Old Fear

Oh man... the last few posts have been depressing.. good lord.. I'm actually shocked that I even wrote anything this year... It's amazing how much can change in 8 months. I can't even believe that the year's almost over. I don't remember what I wrote in my last post and I'm not about to re read since it was quite depressing. 

All I can really say is it took me months for my heart to heal. I've had my heart broken a lot. People say that you get used to it. But you don't. Each time is just as painful as the last. The worst part about emotional pain is you never know how long it will take to heal. I did the usual thing I do when I go through a broken heart. Drink, rebound, party, drink, and drink some more. You do whatever you can to make that pain go away. But it really doesn't. Then one day, you just feel ok. It just eventually hits you. This breakup was different from any other ones that I've had. Why? We had some good times, but I've never had a guy treat me so badly and make me lose so much trust in him. There was so much pain in the relationship and pain out of it. I think the worst part was I tried to so hard to make it work because I saw a future with him. Throughout the breakup, I really got to see who was really there for me and who wasn't. & it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. 

Let's fast track this to about March, April. So after this whole big break up thing, I joined meetup. I wanted to make more friends and socialized more. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm extremely shy in the beginning. I've been like this my whole life which is why it's always been hard for me to make friends. I made some friends through this and ended up going out A LOT. A lot of good times I might say and it definitely helped through the breakup. So months passed after the breakup, and I started dating again... After several frogs... I found this one prince... and.... all I can say is this is definitely different. There's no drama, we fight about absolutely nothing, he actually wants to see me all the time, he tells me he misses me after a day, he calls me, he actually acts his age and not like an 18 year old who wants to get trashed every weekend. it's just... amazing.. Like I can't even describe it... 

Even though everything amazing.. after my last relationship, I have all these fears.. He really fucked me up. There have been no signs of anything negative.. But I still have that fear. I know we've all been hurt. But maybe that's part of all of us... I really don't know what it's going to take for it to go away..Relationships go two ways.. Marriage, or they end. It's the honest truth isn't it? In the end, I have that fear. I don't know how much more my heart can take. At the age we're at, we come to a point where we just don't have time for games.. we know exactly what we want. & we hope that the other person wants exactly the same things we do...

Starting Over...

Reading my last post almost a year ago makes me really sad... I don't really know how we got here.. Maybe I do know because deep down I should've known that he wasn't the one. I just really can't believe it's come to this. Again.. Getting my heart broken.. U would think it wouldn't hurt this time around but it's just as painful. Maybe even more. We broke up exactly two months ago from Sunday. It's been the hardest two months of my life. I've done everything I can to hold onto this relationship of mine and I fought so dam hard. It was the hardest thing ever letting go. Things have been rocky between us for some time now. I think that throughout our relationship we've struggled so much with things. We're such different people and we see things in two different perspectives. I can literally write a whole essay about why we broke up and how much it's hurt me. It's like a really deep cut that is taking forever to heal. The main reason? He's the most stubborn selfish person I've ever met or dated. Our entire relationship has been about him, and what he wants. And what do I do? I stood by  him through everything. I got sooooo tired of fighting over the same things. Being the only one fighting for us, being the only one putting in all the effort. How can u be in a relationship where ur willing to do everything for that person, but they aren't willing to do the same thing for you. It all started with this stupid bitch from California who has been a constant issue in our relationship since the beginning. He might as well have cheated on me with her. When ur in a relationship, when is it ever ok to tell another girl that u wanna fuck her, that ur creeping on her pictures, to tell her to send u pictures and keep them in ur phone, and not even have  a single picture of ur gf in ur phone, to want to go see her after getting in a fight with ur gf, to lie to ur gf about not calling her because u fell asleep but u were really on the phone with her. how is any of these things RIGHT to do to ur own gf? it's NOT. And the worse part? I stood by him, through all this bullshit, and he wasn't even sorry for ANY of it. When I finally put my foot down and told him it's her or me, he had the nerve to be mad at me for it and even had to think about it? really? u have NO right to be upset after putting me through all this bullshit. A REAL bf would've said, i'm sorry babe. I will do ANYTHING to fix this. i fucked up and i will make this right. Nope. didn't get any of that. How fucked up is all of that? & what type of girl is gonna put up with all that shit and still stick by u. NO girl. And i did. I got so fucking tired of this. He's a flirt. and he couldn't see how wrong any of this was. If u want to go flirt with a different girl everyday, give out ur number to a bunch of random girls, go fucking be single. I am NOT going to put up with that bs and just be this girl who's just there whenever it's convenient for you. This was only part of the reason we broke up. Another reason. He's selfish. He got to a point where driving to see me was a drag. We live an hour and half from each other. Saw each other every weekend. Then it was 3 weekends out of the month. Then it was twice a month. How can i be with a guy who doesn't even want to see me. A guy who wants LESS time with his long distance gf? A guy who dreads coming to see me and can't even tell me he misses me. If i'm willing to give up my entire life, and move just to be with u, and u can't even make an effort to come see me? how is this ever going to last? Another issue? He's a dam party boy. I thought i was dating a 29 year old not a 21 year old. I'm going to be 30 and I don't need a kid in my life. I don't mind going out with friends here and there but every weekend? And you'd rather get trashed with ur friends then see ur gf that u haven't seen in two weeks? there's more to life then that. Not to mentioned why do u have to get shit faced drunk every dam time u go out. What a turn off. The worst part is I stuck by him through all of this. Why? Because i freaking loved him more than anything. But u can only put up with so much. And at a certain point u just get really tired of being the only one fighting for the relationship and making all of the effort. Think about someone other than urself for once. I don't regret a single minute i was with him. I cherished every moment I was with him. It still hurts me every single day of my life because I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to break up. I saw a future with him, I wanted to share my life with him. But u can't change people. I can't force him to want to see me more, or give up his partying days if he's not ready to do so. I just think he's not ready to. And i just wasn't the right girl for him to change for. He wants a girl to accept him? He'll never find one. Especially if he wants the whole relationship to be about him. There's always two sides to every story. Always. and I'm 100% sure that he tells all his friends that I wanted to change him, and that's why it didn't work out. They know that friendly, funny, sociable lovable guy to hang out with. They don't know the selfish, stubborn guy who doesn't know how to be in a relationship apparently. Social media ruins lives. Seriously. I don't remember him posting shit when we were together on fb. Now I hear shit like "everything reminds me of her" or "it's been only two months and she's moved on already" or "there isn't a day that goes by that she's not on my mind" What upsets me first of all, is the fact that we're in this situation because of HIM. Because he's too dam selfish and stubborn to actually think about someone's else's needs and wants other then his. The sad part is we both love each other so much but we can't be together. If u love someone, u do anything for them. U do whatever it takes to make it work because u love them. I did my part. And since u don't want me, no one else should have me? I didn't know there was a time limit for u to move on. I can't sit at home crying my eyes out everyday. I have to move on with my life. As much as I want him and I don't want to move on. I have to. I can't just sit around waiting for a miracle that's never going to happen. The hardest part is having to really let go and start over. I'm sad, hurt, angry and scared. I'm scared of taking a risk for the third time, putting my heart on the line again, and getting my heart broken again. I'm so scared. i trusted him. With everything. It took me 5 years to fall in love again. I can't go through this again. I really hope he looks back on this one day and really sees how much I did for him and HE'S the one who caused all of this.

Scared.....

Let me try writing this while i'm NOT under the influence. lol. Gosh i don't even know where to start. Let's start off with work i suppose. Everyone has been pushing me to do something with my career. Since apparently i'm not moving forward but i've just been stuck. I've pretty much been thinking about what i want to do for the past month now and working up the courage to talk to my bosses. My goal is to talk to them about my position with the company by the end of this month. Here are my options, becoming a partner, quitting and starting my own business, asking for a raise, not getting one and getting a new job. The problem is, i'm not exactly sure what i want. As of right now, i'm leaning towards asking for a raise. If i dont happen to get what i ask for, i'm walking. I think i've put this off for so long because i'm afraid of the outcome. Whatever it is, it's going to be a very big change in my life. I see how our company has been recently and i don't see a positive outcome from this. It scares me because I don't want to start over. I don't like change. I'm comfortable. But if i stay and don't say anything i'll never move forward. I'm not financially stable and i don't want to struggle anymore. So i have two weeks, to figure out what i want to say, or what i want to do with  my life. which path to take...
So.. me and the bf. I think my last blog was in December. Since then, things have been good between us. We've struggled here and there w/ our relationship but we've worked through it. There's so many things i want to say about us, and i don't know where to start. First off, we had an incident where I pretty much found out he was flirting with one of his "Friends" or Ex's. whatever the fuck she is. It was bad. I felt so hurt. I felt like i got stabbed. Why would u even be flirting with other girls when u have a gf. Are you thinking about ur gf when ur flirting with them? are you thinking about how your gf would feel if she found out? We got into a pretty big fight about it. i was really so hurt by the whole thing. I told him flirting is NOT ok in my book. it's something u do when ur single. If u want to flirt w/ random girls then maybe u should be single. His defense was that he didn't mean to say it, after he said it he realized he shouldn't have said it. it was a text message. it's not like when u speak to someone and it accidentally comes out. When u text someone, u actually have time to think about what ur going to type. sigh....He then tells me it all comes down to whether or not i can trust him, he's a flirty person and he can't control what he says. And now i'm feeling insecure and not trusting the relationship. It hurts me to see that he kind of turns it around on me, when HE is the reason i feel this way. i feel this way because of something that HE said. He tells me that he has commitment issues which is probably why he hasn't said he loves me yet, because he's afraid of getting hurt or hurting me. We worked our way through this but in the back of my head i think about this every now and then. I told him it's not something that i can get over in a day. I almost feel like this is a continuous issue between us. When we fight it's over the same things. About him flirting or talking continuously with his ex's. I don't like it. but i've learned to accept it. I feel like he cares more about keeping their "friendship" then my feelings. He knows how much it bothers me or that i don't like it, yet he continues to talk to them. We had a pretty long talk last sunday about our relationship, my ex's and where this is kind of going. I told him i'm not sure why he's afraid of telling me he loves me or maybe he just doesn't feel it yet, but I'm not going anywhere, i care for him deeply and he's the one that i want to be with. no one else. he makes me happy and i've known him for almost 10 months and i've never once down anything to hurt him. and he should see that. i think that he's afraid of something which is why he hasn't said it yet. we talked about our careers.  And we can both see a lot of changes in our future. We're in a long distance relationship now where we only see each other on the weekends. Depending on our jobs, it might lead to us seeing each other less and less. I'm not sure what i'm afraid of more: me struggling with the distance, or him being too busy and not wanting to do this back and forth distance anymore. I hope that we both agree that whatever happens we'll make it work. I believe that if you really care for someone, you will make time for them. no matter how busy u are. There's only ONE susan in this life. and there's only one of him. we've also talked about me moving to his city. EVERYONE always asks us when is this happening. we've only been together for 8 months. but we obviously see a future with each other. and that has to happen in the future for us to really be together. we both are starting to dread driving back and forth every weekend. but i keep telling him there's nothing we can do about that. not for a long time. i care for him deeply and would consider moving to his city, but i can't do it now. not for a very long time. not until we're very committed. i mean, engaged committed. i miss him all the time, but i'm in no rush to move that fast. i've already made that mistake before. moving way too fast and it did not end well. i'm not saying it would be the same this time around, but i really don't want to rush things. I think my biggest fear is really getting hurt again. i'm so scared. and i think that's every relationship. u have to take a risk. getting my heart broken was the worse pain i've ever felt emotionally. i seriously felt like i got stabbed in the heart and it didn't go away for so long. i dont ever want to go through that again and i really hope i never have to. i've given him my heart i just hope he knows how to handle it. i can't talk about this anymore. i already miss him enough as it is...here are some pics from the past few months... handsome isn't he..

Random

She: are u afraid of what you'll find or u actually trust him?
Me: a little bit of both I think...

I keep having dreams of him telling me he loves me for the first time...makes me not want to wake up....

Thoughts

I don’t think I’ve written an actual blog since July. As always, there’s a million thoughts running through my mind. Let’s start with work.. it hasn’t been as stressful as before. But I’m kind of at a point where I almost feel stuck. I’m not moving forward and I’m not moving backwards either. I know that’s partly my fault too because it’s not like i’m actually taking any initiative on making anything happen. Right now, all i know is i’m not financially stable and not where i want to be financially at my age. I’m 28 and i still don’t know what to do with my life. I have a few options… First thing is, i need to talk to my bosses asap about my position with the company. I really don’t know why i haven’t done so. I think i feel scared because if they dont tell me what i want to hear then that might lead me to a possibility of starting over. On one end, I’d like to learn the business that i’m in and become a partner eventually with my bosses in the future. And if they agree with that then I want to get started now on learning about the business. On the other hand, there’s also starting my own business. which is even scarier. I feel that i’m good at what i do as far as my job. But in my line of business there’s soooooo much more to learn, so much more that i don’t know to even start this type of business. So financially, i’ve been a little stressed. but i’m not exactly doing anything about it either. On another note, My family temporarily moved in with me last month. Of course my mother sold her house again, which hasn’t even been a year since she’s had it. Her and my grandma are moving into this government housing, which should’ve happened at the end of November which obviously hasn’t. I am not happy with the living situation. Most people who know me, there’s a reason why i moved out of my family’s house and live on my own. Because I LOVE living on my own. So you go from a transition from living on your own for about 3 years to living with ur family again, it’s not exactly easy. They’re driving me crazy. I’m the type of person that when i come home from work, i just want to relax, watch tv and just be on my own. It’s hard to do that when my family is bombarding me w/ questions the minute i walk through the door. Or being able to watch my favorite tv show if everyone’s shouting at each other. Let’s just say i’m not dealing with it well at all, and not sure how much longer this is gonna last.
Last but not least, my love life. =) I’m happy. Which i haven’t been in a very long time. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in so long. My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 6 month anniversary. I know that doesn’t sound long but it is to me. My longest relationship before this was 4 years. Everything in between was just 1 or 2 months. So this is something that i really hope turns into something very serious later down the line. He’s very different from most guys I’ve dated. My friends are always telling me that he keeps me on my toes. Whatever that means. lol. We don’t live in the same city. And that’s what kills me. We live about an hour and a half away from each other. I know that doesn’t sound that far. But with our schedules we only get to see each other on the weekends. It’s a good and bad thing. Bad, because i miss him. Like crazy. Good because i want us to both have our own space and our own separate lives as well. We’ve have some bumps along the road, but in the end, he’s the one that i want to be with. My feelings are growing for him everyday i’m with him. And i’ve never cared this much about anyone besides my ex. And i feel like i’m at that next stage in our relationship. If u know what i mean. lol. we haven’t exactly said it to each other. And i think i’m scared. maybe he is too, or he’s waiting for me to say it first, who really knows. But i think my fear is that he doesn’t feel the same way or won’t say it back. But i guess that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about me or won’t say it later down the line. I have so much more to say… but i’m getting tired…

Highlights 11/30-12/2 &12/7-12/9

~Mill Ave w/ the 520 crew
~The usual Teharu that weekend with the fellas
~Postinos w/ the bf and a good friend
~2nd time hiking for me!
~Putting up my xmas tree and lights w/ the bf...

~My First Tiesto concert!
~6 month anniversary w/ the bf consisting of dinner and a ride up to Mt. Lemmon

Highlights 11/9-11/11

~Getting to see the bf earlier than usual on Friday
~Friday night date night at some bomb ass Italian restaurant Vincitorio's, including a bottle of wine. =) & Talking Stick resort & casino for drinks after. Nightcap at mi casa. Details not included. =P
~Our 1st nascar race event on Saturday
~Our usual sushi at Teharu on Saturday
~date night w/ one of the best girls you'll ever meet. Including sushi and wine at Teharu, Fascinations Shopping, =P and martinis and desert at the living room

The only downside was getting one less day w/ the bf. It's hard enough being away from him. & i'm definitely not good at saying goodbyes. that's all i gotta say about that...

Gotta admit, i'm getting quite nervous about what the future holds for me. All i have to say is the more and more time i spend with him, the more and more i realize that there's no one else i'd rather have by my side and no one else i'd rather be with.Strong words but true...Our 5 month just passed. This is the longest relationship i've been in since my 4 year with my ex. My worst fear? Losing him, and feeling that heartache all over again. Worst pain ever. That's a road that i'd never want to go down again. Another fear? Expressing how i feel and him not feeling the same way I do. I'm very afraid of getting my heart broken again. But I believe that's a risk you have to take in any relationship and you have to decide if the person is worth it in the end or not. You can't live life in fear or you'll end up alone for the rest of your life....

Highlights 11/2-11-4

~The bf surprising me and showing up to see me way earlier than usual
~Riding on my bf’s bike for the first time/riding on a bike for the first time ever! Scary yet exciting!
~Going to the drag boat race on Saturday
~Going to the state fair and the bf winning me a prize
~My very first time hiking. People who know me, know i dislike anything that has to do w/ the outdoors. Only did it cuz the bf loves that type of ish. Seriously didn’t think i’d make it to the top and was sore and couldn’t walk for 3 days!
~Making the bf dinner, ruining it, and having him help me make a new batch. epic fail for me. i should not be allowed in the kitchen.

Highlights 10/26-10/28

I think every weekend for the past 6 months have been quite interesting I must say. Some of the highlights?
~Wine bar w/ the Tucson ladies on Friday
~Learning how to change the oil on my bf’s bike
~Johnny’s 21st Birthday, consisting of pre-gaming shots, $2 sushi, sake bombs,
~Carving me & the bf’s first pumpkin together
~Making pumpkin pie for the first time for both of us together
~Killin a whole bottle of wine. Dam alcoholics
~BF making me pho for the first time
~Me & the bf’s first halloween together

fresh...

i should’ve titled this blog stressed! can’t believe how much has changed in just two months. let’s start off with work. I’ve been working side by side w/ my sister for the past year. She decided to take on a new job and head into a direction into doing something that she went to school for. I’m very happy and knew this day would come. But at the same time I was extremely sad that she had to leave. Not only do I not get to see her and talk to her everyday, but she’s the best co worker i’ve ever had. It’s been extremely exhausting, overwhelming, busy, and stressful at the office since she left. We hired this lady, and it’s bad enough that she only got one day of training w/ my sister, but she’s not very computer literate. She didn’t even know how to minimize a window or what internet explorer was. She’s been working with us for two weeks already and i feel like things that she should have down already she still has to have me look over all of it. It’s exhausting re checking all of her work, doing my sister’s old duties, and doing my job. & this feeling is starting to take over my life. If i’m not at work i’m thinking about work and worrying about work so it’s starting to really stress me out. I feel that i think about my job maybe like 50-60 percent of the time. when i’m not there I mean. Not only has this been stressing me out, but i think it’s because at the same time, I almost feel like i’ve been letting my bosses down. Like I haven’t been at my full potential or something. I don’t know. it’s kind of hard to explain. To top it off, i’ve been financially struggling. My student loans are kicking in in a few weeks and i’m starting to freak out. It’s come down to the fact where i might actually have to consider getting a roommate or a second job, or both. I’m struggling, and i feel that this isn’t something that i should be feeling at my age in my life. I should be comfortably financially stable. Everyone is pushing me to ask my boss for a raise. & i wouldn’t want to ask them unless i really needed it. But i feel that it’s too soon so i’m just unsure as to how they’d feel about it since my last one was in March. But i dont really know what other option i have. anyway, on to more interesting things. me and the “man friend” made things official last month at my friend’s wedding. finally! lol. jk. i was actually kind of shocked. but it was just kind of the perfect moment at the same time since we were at the wedding and it was all romantic and shizz. since then, i feel that everything is good between us. i do struggle w/ the relationship sometimes, especially during the week, because once again i’m just not used to this type of relationship. not getting that constant attention, not seeing and talking to him all the time. it’s a good and bad thing really. bad because i struggle with it, and i miss him very much everyday. but good, because it let’s us both have our own space and to live our own separate lives. i really like this one a lot. and i really, really, really hope that this one goes somewhere. long term i mean. it’s just, at my age, i don’t have time for games anymore, starting over is never fun, and eventually in the future i want a family and kids. i’m not getting any younger. i really hope he feels the same way about me and wants the same things. i dont really know if he knows how much i’m into him or care about him. the relationship is still really fresh though. we’ve only known each other for almost 4 months but been officially together for almost 2. so i think we both just want to take things slow and take a day at a time i guess. we’ve both been scarred, so there’s always that fear of getting hurt. anyway, so last weekend, my best friend came out here. gosh i missed her. i haven’t seen her since like march i think. it’s always so hard saying bye to her and her kid. i miss having her here so much. i miss having her as a roommate. it just sucks not having her here. it just makes me so sad. but what can u do. she’s doing what makes her happy and in the end that’s all that matters. 

cute aren't we... =P