Old Fear

Oh man... the last few posts have been depressing.. good lord.. I'm actually shocked that I even wrote anything this year... It's amazing how much can change in 8 months. I can't even believe that the year's almost over. I don't remember what I wrote in my last post and I'm not about to re read since it was quite depressing. 

All I can really say is it took me months for my heart to heal. I've had my heart broken a lot. People say that you get used to it. But you don't. Each time is just as painful as the last. The worst part about emotional pain is you never know how long it will take to heal. I did the usual thing I do when I go through a broken heart. Drink, rebound, party, drink, and drink some more. You do whatever you can to make that pain go away. But it really doesn't. Then one day, you just feel ok. It just eventually hits you. This breakup was different from any other ones that I've had. Why? We had some good times, but I've never had a guy treat me so badly and make me lose so much trust in him. There was so much pain in the relationship and pain out of it. I think the worst part was I tried to so hard to make it work because I saw a future with him. Throughout the breakup, I really got to see who was really there for me and who wasn't. & it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. 

Let's fast track this to about March, April. So after this whole big break up thing, I joined meetup. I wanted to make more friends and socialized more. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm extremely shy in the beginning. I've been like this my whole life which is why it's always been hard for me to make friends. I made some friends through this and ended up going out A LOT. A lot of good times I might say and it definitely helped through the breakup. So months passed after the breakup, and I started dating again... After several frogs... I found this one prince... and.... all I can say is this is definitely different. There's no drama, we fight about absolutely nothing, he actually wants to see me all the time, he tells me he misses me after a day, he calls me, he actually acts his age and not like an 18 year old who wants to get trashed every weekend. it's just... amazing.. Like I can't even describe it... 

Even though everything amazing.. after my last relationship, I have all these fears.. He really fucked me up. There have been no signs of anything negative.. But I still have that fear. I know we've all been hurt. But maybe that's part of all of us... I really don't know what it's going to take for it to go away..Relationships go two ways.. Marriage, or they end. It's the honest truth isn't it? In the end, I have that fear. I don't know how much more my heart can take. At the age we're at, we come to a point where we just don't have time for games.. we know exactly what we want. & we hope that the other person wants exactly the same things we do...

Starting Over...

Reading my last post almost a year ago makes me really sad... I don't really know how we got here.. Maybe I do know because deep down I should've known that he wasn't the one. I just really can't believe it's come to this. Again.. Getting my heart broken.. U would think it wouldn't hurt this time around but it's just as painful. Maybe even more. We broke up exactly two months ago from Sunday. It's been the hardest two months of my life. I've done everything I can to hold onto this relationship of mine and I fought so dam hard. It was the hardest thing ever letting go. Things have been rocky between us for some time now. I think that throughout our relationship we've struggled so much with things. We're such different people and we see things in two different perspectives. I can literally write a whole essay about why we broke up and how much it's hurt me. It's like a really deep cut that is taking forever to heal. The main reason? He's the most stubborn selfish person I've ever met or dated. Our entire relationship has been about him, and what he wants. And what do I do? I stood by  him through everything. I got sooooo tired of fighting over the same things. Being the only one fighting for us, being the only one putting in all the effort. How can u be in a relationship where ur willing to do everything for that person, but they aren't willing to do the same thing for you. It all started with this stupid bitch from California who has been a constant issue in our relationship since the beginning. He might as well have cheated on me with her. When ur in a relationship, when is it ever ok to tell another girl that u wanna fuck her, that ur creeping on her pictures, to tell her to send u pictures and keep them in ur phone, and not even have  a single picture of ur gf in ur phone, to want to go see her after getting in a fight with ur gf, to lie to ur gf about not calling her because u fell asleep but u were really on the phone with her. how is any of these things RIGHT to do to ur own gf? it's NOT. And the worse part? I stood by him, through all this bullshit, and he wasn't even sorry for ANY of it. When I finally put my foot down and told him it's her or me, he had the nerve to be mad at me for it and even had to think about it? really? u have NO right to be upset after putting me through all this bullshit. A REAL bf would've said, i'm sorry babe. I will do ANYTHING to fix this. i fucked up and i will make this right. Nope. didn't get any of that. How fucked up is all of that? & what type of girl is gonna put up with all that shit and still stick by u. NO girl. And i did. I got so fucking tired of this. He's a flirt. and he couldn't see how wrong any of this was. If u want to go flirt with a different girl everyday, give out ur number to a bunch of random girls, go fucking be single. I am NOT going to put up with that bs and just be this girl who's just there whenever it's convenient for you. This was only part of the reason we broke up. Another reason. He's selfish. He got to a point where driving to see me was a drag. We live an hour and half from each other. Saw each other every weekend. Then it was 3 weekends out of the month. Then it was twice a month. How can i be with a guy who doesn't even want to see me. A guy who wants LESS time with his long distance gf? A guy who dreads coming to see me and can't even tell me he misses me. If i'm willing to give up my entire life, and move just to be with u, and u can't even make an effort to come see me? how is this ever going to last? Another issue? He's a dam party boy. I thought i was dating a 29 year old not a 21 year old. I'm going to be 30 and I don't need a kid in my life. I don't mind going out with friends here and there but every weekend? And you'd rather get trashed with ur friends then see ur gf that u haven't seen in two weeks? there's more to life then that. Not to mentioned why do u have to get shit faced drunk every dam time u go out. What a turn off. The worst part is I stuck by him through all of this. Why? Because i freaking loved him more than anything. But u can only put up with so much. And at a certain point u just get really tired of being the only one fighting for the relationship and making all of the effort. Think about someone other than urself for once. I don't regret a single minute i was with him. I cherished every moment I was with him. It still hurts me every single day of my life because I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to break up. I saw a future with him, I wanted to share my life with him. But u can't change people. I can't force him to want to see me more, or give up his partying days if he's not ready to do so. I just think he's not ready to. And i just wasn't the right girl for him to change for. He wants a girl to accept him? He'll never find one. Especially if he wants the whole relationship to be about him. There's always two sides to every story. Always. and I'm 100% sure that he tells all his friends that I wanted to change him, and that's why it didn't work out. They know that friendly, funny, sociable lovable guy to hang out with. They don't know the selfish, stubborn guy who doesn't know how to be in a relationship apparently. Social media ruins lives. Seriously. I don't remember him posting shit when we were together on fb. Now I hear shit like "everything reminds me of her" or "it's been only two months and she's moved on already" or "there isn't a day that goes by that she's not on my mind" What upsets me first of all, is the fact that we're in this situation because of HIM. Because he's too dam selfish and stubborn to actually think about someone's else's needs and wants other then his. The sad part is we both love each other so much but we can't be together. If u love someone, u do anything for them. U do whatever it takes to make it work because u love them. I did my part. And since u don't want me, no one else should have me? I didn't know there was a time limit for u to move on. I can't sit at home crying my eyes out everyday. I have to move on with my life. As much as I want him and I don't want to move on. I have to. I can't just sit around waiting for a miracle that's never going to happen. The hardest part is having to really let go and start over. I'm sad, hurt, angry and scared. I'm scared of taking a risk for the third time, putting my heart on the line again, and getting my heart broken again. I'm so scared. i trusted him. With everything. It took me 5 years to fall in love again. I can't go through this again. I really hope he looks back on this one day and really sees how much I did for him and HE'S the one who caused all of this.

Scared.....

Let me try writing this while i'm NOT under the influence. lol. Gosh i don't even know where to start. Let's start off with work i suppose. Everyone has been pushing me to do something with my career. Since apparently i'm not moving forward but i've just been stuck. I've pretty much been thinking about what i want to do for the past month now and working up the courage to talk to my bosses. My goal is to talk to them about my position with the company by the end of this month. Here are my options, becoming a partner, quitting and starting my own business, asking for a raise, not getting one and getting a new job. The problem is, i'm not exactly sure what i want. As of right now, i'm leaning towards asking for a raise. If i dont happen to get what i ask for, i'm walking. I think i've put this off for so long because i'm afraid of the outcome. Whatever it is, it's going to be a very big change in my life. I see how our company has been recently and i don't see a positive outcome from this. It scares me because I don't want to start over. I don't like change. I'm comfortable. But if i stay and don't say anything i'll never move forward. I'm not financially stable and i don't want to struggle anymore. So i have two weeks, to figure out what i want to say, or what i want to do with  my life. which path to take...
So.. me and the bf. I think my last blog was in December. Since then, things have been good between us. We've struggled here and there w/ our relationship but we've worked through it. There's so many things i want to say about us, and i don't know where to start. First off, we had an incident where I pretty much found out he was flirting with one of his "Friends" or Ex's. whatever the fuck she is. It was bad. I felt so hurt. I felt like i got stabbed. Why would u even be flirting with other girls when u have a gf. Are you thinking about ur gf when ur flirting with them? are you thinking about how your gf would feel if she found out? We got into a pretty big fight about it. i was really so hurt by the whole thing. I told him flirting is NOT ok in my book. it's something u do when ur single. If u want to flirt w/ random girls then maybe u should be single. His defense was that he didn't mean to say it, after he said it he realized he shouldn't have said it. it was a text message. it's not like when u speak to someone and it accidentally comes out. When u text someone, u actually have time to think about what ur going to type. sigh....He then tells me it all comes down to whether or not i can trust him, he's a flirty person and he can't control what he says. And now i'm feeling insecure and not trusting the relationship. It hurts me to see that he kind of turns it around on me, when HE is the reason i feel this way. i feel this way because of something that HE said. He tells me that he has commitment issues which is probably why he hasn't said he loves me yet, because he's afraid of getting hurt or hurting me. We worked our way through this but in the back of my head i think about this every now and then. I told him it's not something that i can get over in a day. I almost feel like this is a continuous issue between us. When we fight it's over the same things. About him flirting or talking continuously with his ex's. I don't like it. but i've learned to accept it. I feel like he cares more about keeping their "friendship" then my feelings. He knows how much it bothers me or that i don't like it, yet he continues to talk to them. We had a pretty long talk last sunday about our relationship, my ex's and where this is kind of going. I told him i'm not sure why he's afraid of telling me he loves me or maybe he just doesn't feel it yet, but I'm not going anywhere, i care for him deeply and he's the one that i want to be with. no one else. he makes me happy and i've known him for almost 10 months and i've never once down anything to hurt him. and he should see that. i think that he's afraid of something which is why he hasn't said it yet. we talked about our careers.  And we can both see a lot of changes in our future. We're in a long distance relationship now where we only see each other on the weekends. Depending on our jobs, it might lead to us seeing each other less and less. I'm not sure what i'm afraid of more: me struggling with the distance, or him being too busy and not wanting to do this back and forth distance anymore. I hope that we both agree that whatever happens we'll make it work. I believe that if you really care for someone, you will make time for them. no matter how busy u are. There's only ONE susan in this life. and there's only one of him. we've also talked about me moving to his city. EVERYONE always asks us when is this happening. we've only been together for 8 months. but we obviously see a future with each other. and that has to happen in the future for us to really be together. we both are starting to dread driving back and forth every weekend. but i keep telling him there's nothing we can do about that. not for a long time. i care for him deeply and would consider moving to his city, but i can't do it now. not for a very long time. not until we're very committed. i mean, engaged committed. i miss him all the time, but i'm in no rush to move that fast. i've already made that mistake before. moving way too fast and it did not end well. i'm not saying it would be the same this time around, but i really don't want to rush things. I think my biggest fear is really getting hurt again. i'm so scared. and i think that's every relationship. u have to take a risk. getting my heart broken was the worse pain i've ever felt emotionally. i seriously felt like i got stabbed in the heart and it didn't go away for so long. i dont ever want to go through that again and i really hope i never have to. i've given him my heart i just hope he knows how to handle it. i can't talk about this anymore. i already miss him enough as it is...here are some pics from the past few months... handsome isn't he..

Random

She: are u afraid of what you'll find or u actually trust him?
Me: a little bit of both I think...

I keep having dreams of him telling me he loves me for the first time...makes me not want to wake up....

Thoughts

I don’t think I’ve written an actual blog since July. As always, there’s a million thoughts running through my mind. Let’s start with work.. it hasn’t been as stressful as before. But I’m kind of at a point where I almost feel stuck. I’m not moving forward and I’m not moving backwards either. I know that’s partly my fault too because it’s not like i’m actually taking any initiative on making anything happen. Right now, all i know is i’m not financially stable and not where i want to be financially at my age. I’m 28 and i still don’t know what to do with my life. I have a few options… First thing is, i need to talk to my bosses asap about my position with the company. I really don’t know why i haven’t done so. I think i feel scared because if they dont tell me what i want to hear then that might lead me to a possibility of starting over. On one end, I’d like to learn the business that i’m in and become a partner eventually with my bosses in the future. And if they agree with that then I want to get started now on learning about the business. On the other hand, there’s also starting my own business. which is even scarier. I feel that i’m good at what i do as far as my job. But in my line of business there’s soooooo much more to learn, so much more that i don’t know to even start this type of business. So financially, i’ve been a little stressed. but i’m not exactly doing anything about it either. On another note, My family temporarily moved in with me last month. Of course my mother sold her house again, which hasn’t even been a year since she’s had it. Her and my grandma are moving into this government housing, which should’ve happened at the end of November which obviously hasn’t. I am not happy with the living situation. Most people who know me, there’s a reason why i moved out of my family’s house and live on my own. Because I LOVE living on my own. So you go from a transition from living on your own for about 3 years to living with ur family again, it’s not exactly easy. They’re driving me crazy. I’m the type of person that when i come home from work, i just want to relax, watch tv and just be on my own. It’s hard to do that when my family is bombarding me w/ questions the minute i walk through the door. Or being able to watch my favorite tv show if everyone’s shouting at each other. Let’s just say i’m not dealing with it well at all, and not sure how much longer this is gonna last.
Last but not least, my love life. =) I’m happy. Which i haven’t been in a very long time. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in so long. My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 6 month anniversary. I know that doesn’t sound long but it is to me. My longest relationship before this was 4 years. Everything in between was just 1 or 2 months. So this is something that i really hope turns into something very serious later down the line. He’s very different from most guys I’ve dated. My friends are always telling me that he keeps me on my toes. Whatever that means. lol. We don’t live in the same city. And that’s what kills me. We live about an hour and a half away from each other. I know that doesn’t sound that far. But with our schedules we only get to see each other on the weekends. It’s a good and bad thing. Bad, because i miss him. Like crazy. Good because i want us to both have our own space and our own separate lives as well. We’ve have some bumps along the road, but in the end, he’s the one that i want to be with. My feelings are growing for him everyday i’m with him. And i’ve never cared this much about anyone besides my ex. And i feel like i’m at that next stage in our relationship. If u know what i mean. lol. we haven’t exactly said it to each other. And i think i’m scared. maybe he is too, or he’s waiting for me to say it first, who really knows. But i think my fear is that he doesn’t feel the same way or won’t say it back. But i guess that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about me or won’t say it later down the line. I have so much more to say… but i’m getting tired…

Highlights 11/30-12/2 &12/7-12/9

~Mill Ave w/ the 520 crew
~The usual Teharu that weekend with the fellas
~Postinos w/ the bf and a good friend
~2nd time hiking for me!
~Putting up my xmas tree and lights w/ the bf...

~My First Tiesto concert!
~6 month anniversary w/ the bf consisting of dinner and a ride up to Mt. Lemmon

Highlights 11/9-11/11

~Getting to see the bf earlier than usual on Friday
~Friday night date night at some bomb ass Italian restaurant Vincitorio's, including a bottle of wine. =) & Talking Stick resort & casino for drinks after. Nightcap at mi casa. Details not included. =P
~Our 1st nascar race event on Saturday
~Our usual sushi at Teharu on Saturday
~date night w/ one of the best girls you'll ever meet. Including sushi and wine at Teharu, Fascinations Shopping, =P and martinis and desert at the living room

The only downside was getting one less day w/ the bf. It's hard enough being away from him. & i'm definitely not good at saying goodbyes. that's all i gotta say about that...

Gotta admit, i'm getting quite nervous about what the future holds for me. All i have to say is the more and more time i spend with him, the more and more i realize that there's no one else i'd rather have by my side and no one else i'd rather be with.Strong words but true...Our 5 month just passed. This is the longest relationship i've been in since my 4 year with my ex. My worst fear? Losing him, and feeling that heartache all over again. Worst pain ever. That's a road that i'd never want to go down again. Another fear? Expressing how i feel and him not feeling the same way I do. I'm very afraid of getting my heart broken again. But I believe that's a risk you have to take in any relationship and you have to decide if the person is worth it in the end or not. You can't live life in fear or you'll end up alone for the rest of your life....

Highlights 11/2-11-4

~The bf surprising me and showing up to see me way earlier than usual
~Riding on my bf’s bike for the first time/riding on a bike for the first time ever! Scary yet exciting!
~Going to the drag boat race on Saturday
~Going to the state fair and the bf winning me a prize
~My very first time hiking. People who know me, know i dislike anything that has to do w/ the outdoors. Only did it cuz the bf loves that type of ish. Seriously didn’t think i’d make it to the top and was sore and couldn’t walk for 3 days!
~Making the bf dinner, ruining it, and having him help me make a new batch. epic fail for me. i should not be allowed in the kitchen.

Highlights 10/26-10/28

I think every weekend for the past 6 months have been quite interesting I must say. Some of the highlights?
~Wine bar w/ the Tucson ladies on Friday
~Learning how to change the oil on my bf’s bike
~Johnny’s 21st Birthday, consisting of pre-gaming shots, $2 sushi, sake bombs,
~Carving me & the bf’s first pumpkin together
~Making pumpkin pie for the first time for both of us together
~Killin a whole bottle of wine. Dam alcoholics
~BF making me pho for the first time
~Me & the bf’s first halloween together

fresh...

i should’ve titled this blog stressed! can’t believe how much has changed in just two months. let’s start off with work. I’ve been working side by side w/ my sister for the past year. She decided to take on a new job and head into a direction into doing something that she went to school for. I’m very happy and knew this day would come. But at the same time I was extremely sad that she had to leave. Not only do I not get to see her and talk to her everyday, but she’s the best co worker i’ve ever had. It’s been extremely exhausting, overwhelming, busy, and stressful at the office since she left. We hired this lady, and it’s bad enough that she only got one day of training w/ my sister, but she’s not very computer literate. She didn’t even know how to minimize a window or what internet explorer was. She’s been working with us for two weeks already and i feel like things that she should have down already she still has to have me look over all of it. It’s exhausting re checking all of her work, doing my sister’s old duties, and doing my job. & this feeling is starting to take over my life. If i’m not at work i’m thinking about work and worrying about work so it’s starting to really stress me out. I feel that i think about my job maybe like 50-60 percent of the time. when i’m not there I mean. Not only has this been stressing me out, but i think it’s because at the same time, I almost feel like i’ve been letting my bosses down. Like I haven’t been at my full potential or something. I don’t know. it’s kind of hard to explain. To top it off, i’ve been financially struggling. My student loans are kicking in in a few weeks and i’m starting to freak out. It’s come down to the fact where i might actually have to consider getting a roommate or a second job, or both. I’m struggling, and i feel that this isn’t something that i should be feeling at my age in my life. I should be comfortably financially stable. Everyone is pushing me to ask my boss for a raise. & i wouldn’t want to ask them unless i really needed it. But i feel that it’s too soon so i’m just unsure as to how they’d feel about it since my last one was in March. But i dont really know what other option i have. anyway, on to more interesting things. me and the “man friend” made things official last month at my friend’s wedding. finally! lol. jk. i was actually kind of shocked. but it was just kind of the perfect moment at the same time since we were at the wedding and it was all romantic and shizz. since then, i feel that everything is good between us. i do struggle w/ the relationship sometimes, especially during the week, because once again i’m just not used to this type of relationship. not getting that constant attention, not seeing and talking to him all the time. it’s a good and bad thing really. bad because i struggle with it, and i miss him very much everyday. but good, because it let’s us both have our own space and to live our own separate lives. i really like this one a lot. and i really, really, really hope that this one goes somewhere. long term i mean. it’s just, at my age, i don’t have time for games anymore, starting over is never fun, and eventually in the future i want a family and kids. i’m not getting any younger. i really hope he feels the same way about me and wants the same things. i dont really know if he knows how much i’m into him or care about him. the relationship is still really fresh though. we’ve only known each other for almost 4 months but been officially together for almost 2. so i think we both just want to take things slow and take a day at a time i guess. we’ve both been scarred, so there’s always that fear of getting hurt. anyway, so last weekend, my best friend came out here. gosh i missed her. i haven’t seen her since like march i think. it’s always so hard saying bye to her and her kid. i miss having her here so much. i miss having her as a roommate. it just sucks not having her here. it just makes me so sad. but what can u do. she’s doing what makes her happy and in the end that’s all that matters. 

cute aren't we... =P

annoyed

i think fb needs an area so you can write blogs. like how myspace used to. i'm not sure if that's what that note area is for. major headline today. kim kardashian divorces her husband after 72 hours. this bs is getting on my dam nerves. i'm sick and tired of hearing it. every website that i try to go to, this is on the front page. yet no one is saying anything about the 5 yr old girl in glendale that's been missing for 3 weeks, or the 6.0 earthquake that happened in china, or the cop that got shot and killed in glendale this past weekend.. yet when it comes to the kardashian bitches, people study them like it's the bible. its ridiculous. we live in a sad society. it's hard to teach your children morals when you're out there idolizing the kardashians, or idiots like jersey shore. what makes it worst, is that they're making millions for being fucking idiots. my children would be banned from watching this garbage. on another note, i have to be out of my apartment in 30 days. i'm starting to pack slowly, and i started today. i got kinda sad, because i've had so many memories here. it's exciting moving to a new place, but sad to leave the old one behind. there's so much going on within the next few months. it's exciting but so scary at the same time. there's so much change. im moving in 30 days, and me and my sister are graduating in december. ive waited so long for this moment to come. it almost feels surreal. i'm almost afraid that something bad is going to happen that will prevent me from reaching graduation. but in reality, ive finished three of my classes in this semester with all A's. and am one class away from graduating. i currently have a B in the class with 2 assignments to go in it. it's been making me nervous because i've been doing horribly on the exams but amazing on everything else. i'm aiming for an A so i can get straight A's on my very last semester. i'm proud of myself for doing this well so far, because i've never done this well in school in my entire life. ever. i hope my family's proud of me. anyway, ive been thinking a lot about how hard it is to meet someone. i haven't really been with someone for so long. i honestly don't even know how i'd handle it anymore. ive been on my own for so long i'm so used to it. i have friends who see their boyfriends every single day and do almost everything with their boyfriend. and i dont know if i could do that. maybe i'm just not that type of girl. i definitely used to be. but now that i've been on my own for so long, i feel like i need my space. i dont think i could stand having a guy spend 24/7 with me. i would want him to have his own life, his own friends, and i would have my life, and my friends. and we would see each other every now and then. i feel that being consumed with someone so much, if it didn't work out in the end, you'll never learn to be on your own because you've always depended on the other person and lived their life the entire time you were together. i learned that the hard way. don't get me wrong, i'm a hopeless romantic. im the type of girl who would bring him soup when he's sick, or bring him lunch at work, or stock his fridge with his favorite beer, u know, all the cheesy stuff. but deep down, spending every waking moment with him when we're not married kinda freaks me out. today, it seems like people get married after being with someone for about a year. is a year the new thing now? that's the time frame? i probably have food in my pantry older than that. i don't understand what the rush is. this is why divorce is so high. no one wants to take their time getting to know each other first. maybe it's just me because i'm old school. it's the same when it comes to cohabiting. im so against that after what i've been through. i can't imagine myself ever doing that again. i would have to be engaged or something that i knew was heading towards marriage. i understand cohabiting so you can get to know the person and see what it's like living with them. but that's why u spend weekends with them, or a few days. not every single day. cohabiting leads to being comfortable with each other, and i feel that you lose that spark. u know, things that u used to do when u first started dating, like actually going on dates, or getting butterflies everytime he came to pick up for a date. maybe after studying sociology, all this stuff is actually starting to make sense. lol. im outta here.

2 months ago

i can't remember how i was feeling or what i was even doing two months ago around this time. probably the same thing i'm doing now. keeping myself pre occupied with work and school. drowning myself in both so i don't have to think about the obvious. which is how lonely have been for the past 9 months now. anyway, it's amazing how much can happen in the past 2 months. around the end of april i went to see my family back in PA. My cousin that i grew up with got married. it was amazing. it's just crazy seeing us both so grown up, her getting married. i can't believe how much time has passed by. it was pretty great seeing all my family again. made me realize how much i miss them. it's very unfortunate that we don't get to see each other often at all. the last time i saw them was maybe 6 or 7 years ago. i always wonder what my life would've been like if i never left there. I always looked up to my cousin. she was my best friend growing up. she's always been really smart and beautiful and now successful.

after i got back, the week after that my best friend came to visit. always a pleasure as usual. i'm so used to talking to her every day and seeing her everyday that i miss her all the time when she's not here. it's definitely not the same. we didn't really get to do much but as usual, i always cherish every time that i get to see her, since it's not often anymore. plus her daughter is a bundle of joy as usual. it's amazing how much she's grown already.

i think about two weeks after that it was her bday and this is so unlike her, but we planned a last minute trip to vegas. and it was pretty awesome. how can vegas not be awesome? =)

so anyway, summer school officially started. that's definitely been a drag. i'm taking this women and health class. and who knew it would be so much work. each week i basically i have about 10 chapters to read, 2 quizzes, a discussion to post, answer 2 discussions, and not to mention she makes us do projects every other week. i forgot how intense summer classes were. i think i only have about 2 and a half more weeks of the class. that's not even the only class i'm taking. i'm trying to stay positive, because i basically need 7 classes to graduate. i'm taking 4 this summer, so u do the math. i literally spend my weekends reading. isn't that entertaining. on another note, my mom sold her house. it was so quick that i don't think it actually hit any of us until the day before they had to move. and i had no idea how upset my mom was about selling it. she sold it because she couldn't handle the mortgage anymore. i never wanted her to sell it in the first place. it's been about 9 years. it was the first house she bought when we moved here. my mom isn't someone who gets emotional at all. until this. it broke my heart seeing how sad she was about it. and worst part is, i couldn't do anything about it. there's no way i could've helped her out w/ the mortgage without drowning in my own debt that i have to pay off. we've tried to stay positive because now's a chance for her to get a better house. the real estate market is insane right now. we've been looking at houses, and we've found some extremely beautiful homes, 3 bed rooms or 4 bedrooms for about 60-70k. if everything goes well hopefully in the next few weeks she'll find something. so recently i had a falling out with one of my home girls. it extremely upset me to a point where i really questioned our friendship. i'm not gonna put the whole situation out there, but let's say she used me in a really bad lie that she told her boyfriend. not only did she use me in the lie, but it was something that made me look extremely bad, and i'm not at all cool about lying to someone. especially something that i am quite against. to make matters worse, her bf texted me asking if what she told him was true. i couldn't even answer him. she's been apologizing like crazy. and i'm not sure what i want to do about yet. on one hand, i want to forgive and forget. because life is short. i might not be here tomorrow and i've been friends with her for about 9 years or so. on the other hand, she was never a friend that i could tell everything to. she's the type of person that's very self absorbed in herself, only talks about herself, doesn't listen and let's just say it's all about her. i've explained to her many times that friendship is a two way street. so i'm undecided now about what to do. anyway, work is going ok. extremely busy as usual. we've finalized the whole thing about merging with this new company. i'm not entirely happy about it. mainly because i've been with my company for about 3 years now. and now we're a new name, new owners, etc. although i'll still have the same boss. but i've been questioning a lot of things. i feel that i don't get paid enough for everything that i do. and i have to also think about my future. i can't get paid this same rate forever. especially when i graduate soon and i have my student loans to think about. but on the other hand, i've never loved a job as much as this one. i really enjoy. and i love working for my bosses. i'm just very unsure about this new company we've merged with. i don't feel secure and it scares me. my 2nd chapter is waiting for me to read... back to work..

best friend

so i was thinking about this whole concept recently about what or who a best friend really is. i'm sorry, but i think it's pretty much bull shit when guys or girls say "my boyfriend is my best friend" or "my girlfriend is my best friend". ur best friend is someone who's been there for you since the beginning, someone that u call when ur having a fight w/ ur boyfriend, someone that u call up for a girls night, someone that u go with to get ur nails done, someone that u go shopping with. these are things that u are supposed to be doing with ur best friend, NOT ur boyfriend. what happens if ur boyfriend cheated on u, or lied to u? is that really a best friend? a best friend wouldn't do that to u. i hear people say that they boyfriends are their best friends all the time. sorry but its annoying. get tha f outta here with that shit. in the end, ur friends are the ones who will always be there for u. i never would've gotten through any of my breakups without all of my close friends. i don't have a lot of friends. but i've been blessed with the few close ones that i have. thank god.

facebook

the dam thing drives me crazy. i swear, people revolve their whole entire lives around the dam thing. remember that thing called a life u used to have before facebook originated? yea go do something with that before time just passes right by you. and people wonder why kids turn out the way they do. because parents let them have a facebok at age 10, a cell phone at age 7, etc. back in my day, i didn't even get a cell phone until my senior year, i spent my days as a kid outside playing with my friends, going to their house and hanging out, walking to the corner store just to buy candy. seriously, people really get outta control with the dam thing. i dont need to know when you just checked into your house, or your mom's house, or your bathroom, or your work. are u kidding me? not to mention it's not even safe to have that shit on there. u really want strangers knowing where u live? where your parents live? where u work at? think people. i wont even post what city i live in or what my phone number is. then i have people posting about how bored they are all the time. seriously? i wish i could be bored. that's why they invented friends, malls, movies, museums, restaurants, hiking, hello... should i continue? whoever invented the hide posts button on fb was a genius. then i have the people who will text me and be like oh i'm so pissed off, ill reply back & say what happened. they'll say, did u see my facebook? nooooo.. and ur already texting me. i have to go to ur fb to see what happened? u can't just call and tell me? it annoys me even more when people accuse me of being a facebook whore. the whole thing started because my twitter account is linked to my fb account. everytime i post a tweet it gets posted on my fb too. so when i first started my twitter, i loved it. i used to tweet all the time. so people were always like, ur always on facebook. i'm tired of explaining myself. it annoys the hell out of me, it makes me not even wanna have a dam facebook anymore. i tell people i wanna delete my fb and they're like no! how will i get in touch with u. um, i do have something called a phone, and email, and skype this is 2011 people. find a way. if u dont see me on fb or don't see my account anymore. you'll know why.

overwhelmed

my head feels like it's about to explode. i've been so overwhelmed with everything that's been going on. i dont even know where to start. my homework is just sitting here waiting for me get started on it. but i'm procrastinating as usual. so first off, school. i changed my major once again. i've been majoring in business since the beginning of time. it's what i always wanted to do. but now, i'm so fed up with school, that i don't really care what i do anymore as long as i finish. that's the worst advice ever. so i changed it to sociology. the good news is, since i changed it i only need 18 units to graduate. which means i'll be done by the end of this year. i'm guessing i won't even use my degree once i'm done w/ school. the sad thing is, if i could do it all over i would. i fucked up big time, and spent thousands of dollars on something that i'll probably never use. all to just make my mom happy because she just wants to see her daughter graduate. and what's killing me is this math class that i'm in. it scares the shit out of me because my life is pretty much depending on this 1 math class that i'm barely passing on. i'm struggling so much with it and there's no way i can drop it. if i drop it and retake it during the fall then i'll end up having to take probably 6 classes in the fall. major overload if u add 40+ hours of work to that each week. to top it off, i have the worst teacher in the world. our tests are 60% of our grade, which is what's killing me. math is so time consuming. and harder when you're also taking 4 other classes. anyways, i'm praying that i pass. anyway, getting this close to graduation makes me thing about work. i love my job. i've been there for 3 years and i'm good at what i do. the downside of it is that i think i get majorly underpaid. the thing is, we go to school, get a degree, so that we can have a career and get a good job. i need a good steady job where i don't have to worry about my finances all the time. where i have sick leave, or vacation time, where i get paid salary. but then again, how many of us can say that we have a job that we really love. and that's the thing for me. i can go out there and find a better paying job w/ benefits. but will i enjoy my work? or will i just dread going to work everyday? work has been so stressful lately. they put a lot of pressure on me. i basically do everything around the office. i've been there the longest. and i love it. but when i think into the future, i wonder, where is this really going? its like, to be continued. on another note, this guy that i was really into back then, that i'm sure i talked about was here for a while. i was seriously afraid that we would jump back into what we had. but the storm has passed. and i'm glad. i guess we both have changed. i was watching sex and the city and this quote got stuck in my head. " in matters of the heart, is it better to follow your head or your heart" something like that. it's always smarter to follow your head. because it always tells you the right thing to do even if u dont wanna hear it. but then u always follow ur heart. because the heart wants what it wants. no matter how painful it might be. so this lonliness or emptiness, that i like to call it, hasn't gotten any better. the more i think about it, the more it eats away at me. its been almost 8 months since i've had any type of feelings for anyone. or felt any type of connection to anyone. also, i've been thinking a lot about how the only person that we really have to depend on is ourselves. in the end we're all on our own. and now i'm just rambling.this isn't even half the stuff i wanted to write about. but i'm running out of time. til next time..

the mask

i don't really have a lot of time to write since i need to start getting ready for my sister's big bday bash tonight soon. i've been wanting to write for a while now but my computer's been down due to an awesome virus. too much porn i guess. justtttt kidddingggg! haha. so i named this entry "the mask" because that's how i've been feeling recently. like i put on a mask everyday. mainly because when i wake up every morning all i feel is emptiness. maybe it's because i've been living by myself, but at the same time it's been a while since i've really been w/ someone. and i guess i really miss that connection. i hang out w/ friends and all i ever hear about is about their relationships. their boyfriends. it sucks being the only one having to go to functions alone. the whole situation is a good and bad thing. good because not having a boyfriend means i get to concentrate in school. last semester, there were no boys equals no drama, and i did so well in school. honestly, i dont remember ever doing that well in college. the bad part, feeling the empty feeling everyday. so i put on the mask everyday. i smile and listen to people's problems, i dont tell anyone how i feel. what's the point? so they can feel sorry for me? i've been having these dreams lately about my ex of 4 years. i feel like it's just killing me slowly. it really makes me angry because i've been having them so constantly that i haven't been able to sleep well and it makes me angry because i dont think the guy even deserves that much from me. i get mad at myself for even thinking about him. there are times when he doesn't come to mind for so long. then there are times where i think about him every now and then and i don't know why. maybe a part of me misses him. and i think maybe i always will since he was my first love. what bothers me the most is all the dreams i keep having that all end the same way. we're together, but it's not a happy relationship. it's like we're together but we're not happy, we're just settling. he's not the same person and he doesn't make me happy in the dream, and i just can't let go of him because he's the one. it all ends the same way. us being together. me being unhappy. in reality, the more and more i think about the past and that relationship, and as time goes by, the more surreal it feels. i wonder sometimes, did that really happen? i was so young. i hope that i never see him again. i don't know how i would handle it. which is why i'm very glad we live in different states.

other then my mask ,and this empty feeling eating away at me everyday... my life is not very interesting anymore. it never is when guys aren't involved. anyway, school starts next week and i'm already not looking forward to it. it's already not looking good. well first i found out that i got placed on financial aid probation. even though i did really well last semester, i think they put me on it because i dropped a few classes last semester. so basically i have to pass all my classes this semester, and not drop anything or i won't get any financial aid. talk about a lot of pressure. i don't think i've ever gone a semester w/o dropping a class. i guess this should be my motivation too to not give up. on top of that, i get an email that says i got dropped from one of my classes. great. which means i might not graduate this year and it might put me behind another semester. crap like this that makes me not want to continue this journey anymore. but i don't have a choice. and i can't disappoint my family. it's just not an option. i have a lot more to talk about but i don't really have time. time to get ready and put on that mask again.

happy 22nd birthday to my little sister today. i love u julie.



ps. mr. gorgeous, who i'm madly in love with, left me a comment on fb the other day. it wasn't anything huge at all, but it made my day like crazy. goodness. people think i'm crazy for obsessing over this guy. but he's literally amazing. =)

2010 Memories

u would think i would have written a lot more by now, especially since i'm on my winter break. there's been a lot of thoughts floating around, as usual. but i can never actually get it down on paper. so 2010 memories was a trending topic that was on twitter. it actually made me think a lot about this whole year, and i definitely couldn't tweet every single memory i had. the first thing i thought about was January. i have a million bdays to celebrate that month. the thing that stood out the most was my baby sister turning 21. i didn't want this day to come. because it would make me look at my own life and realize i'm officially old. i've seen her grown up for the past 21 yrs of her life and it's been amazing. she's always been a baby to me and probably always will be. during that month, i was also dating this one fool. i call him the "stockton boy" cuz that's where he was from. man was that a mess of a relationship. so this guy was the first guy i actually called my bf since my hard breakup in 2007. we were only together for a month. i dont know why i thought i could do another long distance relationship. especially w/ a guy that lives in the same area as my ex. ugh. in that relationship, i felt like i took it seriously and he didn't. we argued so much that it drained the hell out of me. at a certain point i couldn't handle it anymore. it shouldn't be that complicated in the beginning. long story short, at one point, the fool was blowing up my phone, asking me to take him back, and he tells me he loves me. after being w/ me for a month. reminder, all this happened between jan. -feb. of this year. fool is still texting me. can u believe that bs. he texted me on my bday and xmas. seriously man, get the hint. its over. so move on. another memory was me going to vegas. vegas baby! lol. that was definitely a blast. we actually celebrated my friend who lives in the bay area, her bachelorrette party. i can't remember the club we went to. was it surrender? oh my goodness. amazing. and the fellas there? i thought i was in heaven. goodness. it's like an upscale version of myst. azns everywhere. all the azn chicks were all dolled up and shit. gotta admit, they looked really good. what put a damper on the trip, was when me & my best friend got in a fight about something that happened on my bday 3 yrs ago. what pissed me off was that she put my business out there and she waited 3 yrs to tell me she was still upset about it. i understand she was drunk, but the truth definitely came out. we kinda just threw it aside and said let's just forgive and forget but i know it still bothers her. which i can't do anything about it if that's how she feels. i've already apologized for my mistakes. so u can either forgive me and move on or hold a grudge against me forever. ur choice. it kinda makes me think though, because since that year, 3 yrs ago, she has yet to come out w/ me for my bday. anyway, another memory was when i went to visit my homegirl in idaho for 4th of july. very good times there. i always have fun when i'm out w/ her. im really glad that me and her friendship have grown througout the years. i'm glad that she can call me when she wants to talk. and she's more open w/ me. we're total opposites when it comes to guys though. it's pretty funny. can't take that girl anywhere. she reels in the guys and gets us free drinks. another memory was when her & her brother came to visit here. that was some fun times. it's crazy cuz i knew him first for like a million years. then i met her. and that's a whole other story. so my bday this year. i'm at the point in my life already where i seriously hate talking about my age. when people ask me i really don't like telling them. no one ever believes me when i tell em how old i am. i felt horrible on my bday. it was bad enough that people bailed but then i ended up getting wasted because i was so pissed off about it. i was even more upset because i lost like half of my group that night due to my drunkness and i felt horrible about it the next day. i spent two days recovering from it. and realized im too old for this bs. next year, no going out. we're having a bbq at my place. case closed. another memory, my nephew/godson turning 1. it's crazy. cuz i remember the day he was born just a year ago. how he used to sleep in my lap or my chest. i love him so dearly. now he's trying to talk and walking around. and being a bad boy. lol. his bday party was insane. another memory i forgot about. another foolio i dated back in August. i shoulda kept his dumbass around and at least get a bday gift outta him. i bet i woulda got something good too. lol. that sounds horrible. so this fool was pretty much psycho. everything would be going great, and then the next day he would lash out at me and attack me verbally for no reason. calling me selfish, a slut, i dont care about anyone but myself. and some other bs. at one point, i couldn't deal w/ it anymore. he would seriously be yelling at me on the phone and hurt my feelings and wouldn't even give a dam. im sorry, but i'm a calm person. there's no need to be yelling at me for any reason. i remember he would "playfully" say he loved me. and say he didn't mean it. it would happen 3 times. how exactly does that happen accidentally? i seriously dated this guy for like a month and a half or so. who knows. dont really know what's up w/ these guys telling me they love me. it takes a lot for me to love a guy. it's a shame, because he was very cute and i was very into him. but i wasn't down for that drama. school is such a priority right now, that i can't deal w/ all that drama. i can't fuck it up. another huge memory this year? my best friend and her daughter moving away and me moving into my own place. it hit me really hard seeing them leave. i've been friends w/ her for probably 10 yrs now. maybe more. i lived w/ her for almost 2 yrs. it was hard saying goodbye. mainly cuz she's like a sister to me. how can i forget about the joe case and next concert! omg, best bday ever that was. i can't believe i got to see all of them up close and personal. best memory ever!. anyway, i think that's most of the memories from this year. if i could write everything it would take all night. let's see some pics from this year shall we..








so many more pics, but no time to post. 2011 here we come! =)

the worst

i dont really know why, but the other day i was thinking about the worst things a guys has ever said to me. ready?
-yes i was testing you, and you failed.
-i'm turning 21 soon so i'll be going out a lot, and there's a chance i might cheat on you, i dont wanna hurt you.
-me: i love u. him: "........." (silence)
-dont hate the player, hate the game
-you're a fat ass & gay
-you're selfish & mean, & i don't know why i got involved with you.
-after our "first time" him: u slept w/ that many guys? well that's ok, bc this didn't count.
-yea i just wanted to holla at u for sex.
-you should add me on fb because i forgot what you look like.

and people wonder why i have issues trusting guys....

time

time is so precious. it kinda scares me how quickly it flies by. honestly, during the week, sometimes i dont even know what day it is. sometimes, when friday rolls around i dont even realize it's friday. i feel like there's not enough time. especially during the week. i dont like it. sometimes i really wish i could freeze time just so i can get more work done. anyway, so an update on my so called life. i finally moved into my new place. it was a pain in the ass. i hired movers. but who knew it was so much dam work actually unpacking and decorating. u would think me being a girl i would love decorating. but i hate it. i pretty much gave up. next time, im just going to hire someone to do all this shit. thank god for friends. i had some friends give me ideas and go w/ me to pick out stuff. myself, i'm not handy at all. and i realized that when i started putting shit together. i put my coffee table together. what an accomplishment huh. i had a bookcase and also an end table to do. and i got so frustrated because i couldnt get it together. and im the type of person who likes to do everything on my own. i dont like asking my friends for help because i dont wanna be a hassle. but that's what it ended coming down to. i was disappointed in myself for not being able to do it on my own. but i guess sometimes its not that bad asking for help. and if they're ur friends then they shouldn't mind. there's some parts of my place that still need decorating but im tired of it. so whatever. living on my own is... different. during the week its not that bad because i'm usually not even home. when i am home i spend the time doing work. but on the weekends, it gets lonely. i spend it running errands. but when i am at home, its lonely. honestly, i miss my best friend and her daughter. it's definitely not the same. i really hope she's happy over there. school's been ok. my grades so far are better than last semester for sure. except i got some really bad news the other days. that just made me lose all hope on everything. my advisor calls me. they never call. so i knew it was bad. basically i put in a second petition to retake my finance class for the 3rd time. the girl was like why did u do that. we still have ur first one. didnt u check the outcome. i was like, no. she said well u should've checked on it. then she said, basically we have to see how u do this semester, then u have to do well in ur two accounting classes then MAYBE we'll approve ur petition to retake this finance class. and she was like it's not looking good for u, maybe u should consider a different major. i was so dam upset. ive always struggled in my major and if i continue to stay in it who knows how long it'll take for me to finish and i'll continue to struggle. on friday i spoke to another advisor, and i felt so much better, and i felt like the weight has finally been lifted. before i was majoring in business admin. now i changed it to BIS. which means i'll be majoring in business and sociology. the good news is i'm done w/ all my general classes, except i just need one more math & science. after next semester i'll be done w/ all my sociology classes. then i can just focus on business and hopefully i should be done by fall 2011. thats if i take a full load from now til then. it'll be really tough but i think i can do it. honestly, if i had it my way, i wouldn't even go to school. i dont like school. but i'm doing it for my mom. i dont want to be the failure in the family. and she struggles so much and she does so much for me. i want to be able to give her everything. no matter what it takes. and i've gotten this far, quitting is just not an option in my book. anyway, its crazy how much life is so much easier when there are no guys involved. its so dam lonely. but at the same time, there's no drama. and i can actually concentrate in school. maybe that's why god won't throw me a bone in that department. ive been crushing on the same guy for over a year now, and he still doesn't even know i exist. im invisible in his eyes and im just like the rest of them. i dont like telling people about it, because they just laugh at me when i tell them i like this guy that i've never even met. it makes my day when he comments on my posts sometimes. im the type of girl that appreciates the little things. they tell me, how r u supposed to meet someone if u dont date. then they tell me, dont look for a guy, let him come to u. so which is it people? shit. i dont wanna date. i wanna skip all that drama and just jump into the relationship. its such a long process that leads up to that. anyway, i miss my idaho girl. she moved to portland and i've always wanted to go there. but it's hard since her brother lives there. awkward. she reminds me of me. minus the emo side and she's more wild than i am. but she's my partner in crime and we're definitely trouble together. work has been crazy lately. there's so many changes going on and it kinda scares me. its exciting but at the same type scares me. i dont like being out of the loop and not knowing whats going on. everything has been so secretive. my co worker, which i call my friend now, will ask me, so what kind of guy am i looking for. and it's hard to explain but at the same time it's pretty straight forward. on one hand, i want someone who shares the same interests as me but on the other hand i want someone who's the exact opposite to show me things that i never knew existed. to keep it exciting. someone with a good personality. someone who will go to church with me, someone who understands that its not all about them, but it's about both of us. communication is important. someone who understands that i live a busy life. but will always make time for him. sounds like too much to ask apparently. well whoever he is, he doesn't live in az. they're all the same here. eventually i want to move back to cali. once im done w/ school, im out. it's going to be tough to leave my family. but how else will i be happy. everyone has their own life. in the end, im on my own. in the words from a bronx tale-nobody cares..

fear

so lately. i'm not sure why but i've been feeling scared a lot. i think all the stress is really starting to get to me. im mostly scared of school. im doing well in a majority of my classes. i think im actually getting straight B's. for once. except for my stupid legal ethics class. which im pretty much failing. its a tough decision. because i can retake it, but it'll put me behind for the millionth time. but if i stay in it and fail, there goes my gpa along with retaking the class. i failed a class once and had to do a petition for it and they still haven't approved it. which put me a semester behind. im really worried. because after this semester i still need over 30 units left before i can graduate. im so frustrated and upset that it's taking me so dam long. i want to give up. a part of me really doesn't want to do it anymore.i hate school. but i don't really have the option of quitting.i would disappoint so many people. especially my mom. ive gotten so far so why give up now. and i keep having to tell myself that no matter how much i dont want to do this anymore. she's the reason i'm living and she's done so much for me already it's time for me to do the same for her. i can't stand to see her struggle anymore. or my sister. and i'm going to do whatever it takes to help them. i dont want my kids one day, if i ever have any to go through what i had to go through. i would want them to have everything. at the end of the day i always think, what would mr. gorgeous do. yes, how lame does that sound. but this guy that ive had a crush on for the past year now, that has no idea that i even exist is such an inspiration and he doesnt even know it. he's probably the most hard working person i know. he's so dedicated to being successful one day that he works so hard and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that possible. that's a plus in my book. its amazing how shy i can be, even over the internet. he'll post something that i like on his page, and i'll even be too shy to reply back. u no idea how many times i've written something then deleted it cuz i was too shy to post it. he's gorgeous. i dont even have a shot against these cali girls. anyway, im so busy with work and school during the week, that a majority of the time i dont even know what day it is. the weekends i spend it running errands. i wish that i could just concentrate in school. ive been feeling really tired lately. everyday actually. im not sure if its because ive been stressed and working myself like crazy so im just wearing myself out maybe? who knows. its also a good thing though, because it keeps me busy, which means i have less time to worry. nobody knows this, but every night before i go to bed i pray to god. for my family and friends. i really care more about them then myself. they're the reason im living. i pray and thank god for protecting them. i thank god for blessing me and my family and friends. and every night i ask for forgiveness. why? because im not perfect. im sure i make mistakes everyday. i just want forgiveness for my sins. i wish i was closer to my mom or grandma. but im not. and we just dont have that type of relationship. i wish that we could build that type of relationship. but we can't. she doesn't listen. and i can't change her. so it's gotten a little bit easier w/o my roommate and her daughter. probably because i'm never home anyways and im always busy. but when i am home, i miss them. i talked to sadie today and it made me wanna cry. i told her i missed her and loved her. u get used 2 seeing someone everyday. and its hard when they leave. so the other day i was on my ex's myspace. please dont ask me why i was. i dont know why. im a fool. and his relationship status says single. weird. because its always said in a relationship. hes been with tha same girl for the past 2 yrs now i think. it made me think. but hes still got all their pics up. yet on his twitter i seen pics of him w/ a different girl. who knows. it hurts to look, but i do it anyway. dont really know why. 3 yrs later, and sometimes it still hurts to think about how we ended things, or what we had. so i try not to. which is why i keep myself busy. so i dont have think about bs crap like that. deep down, i really hope he's happy. its hard for me to really hate anyone. even if they've done me wrong. its just, i want to be happy too. i really cant remember the last time i was. all that love, happiness stuff doesnt really exist to me anymore. life kinda seems incomplete w/o it at times. i can have my ways with guys if i wanted to. i can have fun if i wanted to, but how fulfilling would that be? i would just be filling a void temporarily. deep down i'd still feel alone. i dont remember the last time i felt this alone. i know i have my friends and family. i can see them anytime if i wanted. just to have that company. because i know they'll always be there for me til the end. but if u really think about it, deep down, we're all alone. u see couples who have been together for a lifetime, 20, 30, 4o yrs and still get divorced. what does that tell u. and u become dependent on that person, u break up, and ur left w/ nothing. ive been down that road. which has taught me to become more independent. which is why i disagree a lot about the whole cohabiting thing w/ a guy. ive already done it. i cant do it again. i need my own space. i wouldn't get anything done. i want him to have his own life. and my own life. doesn't mean that we can't make time for us. but u need ur own lives, ur own friends, so if something happens ur not left w/ nothing. u gotta look out for urself in the end. but what do i know, ive only been in one serious relationship my whole life, and dated a million losers. i wouldn't be surprised if i ended up alone and adopting a kid. we'll see where life takes me.whatever it is, i'm ready for it.