strength..

i think strength is something that i desperately need right now. i never have time to write anymore. its disappointing. and i'll have less time once school starts in a few days. so anyway, once again.. another one bites the dust. all good things come to an end once again. what can i say about it. i'll be honest. i think i really felt something real w/ this one. and i havent felt that way about anyone for a while. a guy that actually feels the same way about u that u feel about him? that seems so rare nowadays. trust me. i know. at times i felt like i wore the pants in this relationship. i felt like he was competing with me and he was insecure. he was different. he didn't have a myspace or twitter, or facebook. he didn't have friends that are girls. which is a plus in my book. BUT, i felt like he made me feel horrible for having a myspace. or he would trip every time i said i would hang out w/ one of my homies. i cant deal w/ that. u either trust me or u dont. i havent given u any reason not to trust me. one time i went 2 dinner w/ my sister, her bf and one of her homies. i told him about it and he was like that sounds like a double date. r u kidding me right now? who flips about something like that? we would live in this fantasy world where everything was perfect and shit, yall know how that goes. the whole honeymoon stage. then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the next day, he would go off on me. this very last time it happened, i couldnt deal w/ it anymore. he told me i was stubborn, selfish, i only cared about myself, i didnt care about his feelings. i asked him what do u mean, when have i not cared about ur feelings? his answer? i dont know. i dont remember. what!!?? how can u be mad at me for something that u dont even remember? does that make any sense? when i told him i couldnt do this anymore and that im done, his words were, ur missing out. this guy was pretty much yelling at me on the phone. and this isn't the first time. i'm sorry, but i think that anything can be settled calmly. there's no reason for yelling. that's one of my pet peeves. i really hate it when people yell at me. there's really no need for that. does any of this sound healthy to anyone? i told him he was hurting my feelings. his words were, stop blaming me for everything, and stop acting like the victim. how can i be with someone who talks to me like this? this whole situation cut me deeply because i really felt something for the guy. and i tried to be optimistic and gave him a second chance. and that's what happened. which proves, people dont change. he apologized profusely to me later that night, and the next day. i told him, whats the point. i cant deal w/ this bs anymore. im done. u had a bad day? thats no excuse. im not ur punching bag. find another girl to be ur punching bag. its crazy cuz this guy would be telling me EVERYDAY, how much he liked me, missed me, & all these things he loved about me. every dam day. i was a bit shocked. cuz ive never met a guy who was so open about how he felt about me. and me, i was like a closed book, locked up, and wouldn't give him the key. because it made me feel vulnerable. he told me he loved me. not once. but 3 times. and would try 2 play it off and be like, no, i didnt mean that, it just slipped out. im not really sure how that shit just "slips out" 3 times. then he started to tell me, i love YA. im not sure what that means, but the word love was in there. i didn't really know how 2 take that. especially since i definitely wasnt there yet. not even close. or maybe because i haven't had the feeling for so long, i dont even know what it would feel like anymore. i remember the last guy i was with, after we broke up, he kept blowing me up. pretty much every dam month, wanting to get back together. and i would give him the same answer. no and why do u still have my number? at one point he told me he loved me. i was with him for a month. whats up w/ these guys? i dont get it. love is such a strong word to me. it takes a lot for me to say it. its not something that i take lightly either. but anyway, i dont think ive been dealing with this thing very well. ive been sad, and depressed. and mainly hurt more than anything. and tired. tired of starting over. yet again. for the millionth time. i have 2 put on this fake smile everyday bc im tired of people asking me what's wrong. bc deep down its killing me. i miss him. and i miss having someone to talk to. i miss waking up next to him. i miss him making me coffee while i get ready for work. i miss watching the news w/ him every morning before i go 2 work. then i think about him yelling at me, pretty much calling me a slut, putting me down, and everything else that sabotaged our relationship. its a shame. and a waste. i dont regret anything. i never do. its all an experience. u take a chance and u hope for the best. i have 2 do whats best for myself. no matter how much it hurts.

new...

its been a month now. probably. this one is definitely different and confusing. some days are very good. other days i second guess everything. i just realized how much of an over analyzer i am. and how paranoid i get. especially when it comes to guys. i've been talking 2 this guy for probably about a month now. not many people know about him yet cuz i myself dont even know what direction it's heading in. and i won't tell anyone about it until i know more. this blog is a way for me to express myself. not many people know about this. and i tend 2 keep it that way. i tend 2 express my feelings on here a lot. when somethings on my mind, or i'm upset about something, this is where i go. anyway. when i say it's confusing it's because it is. i really don't know what 2 expect from this one. and he really is different. i think we actually talked for a few weeks before we even went on our first date. and the first date was pretty fun. we got 2 know each other a lot. its crazy, bc he tends to ask me a lot of personal questions. very detailed questions. and since i dont know him as well as i want to, i tend to hold a lot of things back. and some of his questions really catch my off guard so i never know what to say. after our first date we continued to talk for a while. and had our second date on friday. it went well. we don't get 2 see each other as much as we both want because we both have crazy schedules. him especially. and what else is different from him? he doesn't text. ever. thank god! i hate it when guys just text me non stop. this one will actually pick up the phone and call me. usually every day. or every night i should say. i never hear from him during the day. which makes me wonder. he tells me, u dont have 2 worry and just because u dont hear from me, doesn't mean i'm not thinking about u. u know, the usual thing u hear. he's also different because I'M actually the one who hollered at him first, he calls me, but i actually called him after our first date, and call him every now and then. something that i would never typically do. ever. i dont call guys. i dont like to. i believe that's their job. anyway, this guy really makes me think. he's told me plenty of times how much he's really into me. i mean, REALLY into me. i've told him how i felt. not entirely. bc once again, i'm not ready 2 let him completely in. but whatever i tell him, it sounds like it's not the answer he's looking for. he asked me what we were. what are we? i told him, we're "talking". that's my term for it. mainly cuz i don't like using the term "dating". it's too general. theres only two things in my book. talking, and in a relationship. and we're talking. a lot. i'm actually surprised that it's gone on for this long. but anyway, i don't think he likes that "label". but that's all i can give him for now. because i dont know. its only been a month. i can't determine anything after 2 dates. of course i would want it to go further and hopefully lead to something more serious. but only time can tell. and im just going w/ the flow for now. but there are moments where i don't hear from him and i question things. u cant build trust if the person doesn't give u something to work with. things like, not hearing from him, or saying hes gonna call me, but doesnt til two days later. what am i supposed 2 think about that? i usually let the little things slide bc it's too early 4 me to fuss over the little stuff. good thing he's not into the whole social networking crap. or not that i know of at least. that's another plus too. i dont wanna have 2 worry about. we all know facebook and myspace ruins lives. to be continued...

me

so it's been almost a month since i've written anything. but like always, i always have so much on my mind. i've been spending a lot of time by myself which has given me a lot of time to think about things. first off, work is going well. we started this new system that my boss has created. and had like a 2 hour meeting. and for the first time in 2 yrs i actually felt like i was a big asset to the company. like my position actually meant something. and it felt good. for a long time i didn't feel like i have job security and that i felt kinda left out of a lot of things. mainly cuz i'm the youngest one at my company so they overlook that. but just because i'm the youngest doesn't mean i dont know anything. i've been with my company the longest and i've moved up a lot and have a better understanding in a lot of things. i think that i've gained a lot of experience. but i still feel overlooked at times. whatever i do in work, or anything sometimes it never feels like enough. no matter how hard i work. its not enough. im a fighter. and at times i dont think i portray myself as that and people underestimate me, but i like a challenge and i love proving them wrong. anyway, school is sick. im taking this class, and thank god it's online. but i didn't realize how difficult it would be. im barely passing. which scares me because i need this class. and i cant afford not to pass another class. this next week is the last week of the class. so this is for all the marbles. my love life, once again is non existent. i started talking to this guy a few weeks ago, and it was going well, then bam, all of a sudden out of nowhere i didn't hear from him again. & im not one of those girls whos gonna be blowing up a guy's phone if i dont hear from him. fuck that. u get deleted if i dont hear back from u. whats the point of keeping ur number. if a guy likes u, he will do something about it. let him pursue u. not the other way around. anyway, since that day i haven't been able 2 get it out of my head why he never called me back. ive been going through ever dam conversation and every little thing that happened and cant come up with a conclusion why he just never called me again. and i'm pretty upset about it. because i thought we both liked each other. and i've never had a guy blow me off so badly with no explanation. at least be a man and tell me to my face why. i can take it. our first date, went really well. our second date went well too. after that he called me everyday and texted me. told me how much he liked me so much, and really saw this going somewhere, and that he missed me everyday. at the same time, i was thinking the same thing, but i wouldn't tell him that, but i would also be thinking, really? after 2 dates? that's how u feel about me? is that possible? is this for real? we live far from each other so the only time we could hang out was on the weekends. so after our second date on a sunday, he pretty much had the next weekend planned out for us. told me he took off saturday to spend time w/ me. he even asked me to go to his work party with him, that wasn't even until another month away. and to me, i think that's something u ask someone that ur really into. so friday rolls around, and we had plans 2 go to the movies. he tells me his kid is sick but she's doing a lot better and his ex is picking her up that afternoon. never even mentioned our date. so later i asked him, so did u still wanna go. and he says well my daughter is getting sick again so i might cancel. first of all, he just said she was doing better AND his ex is picking her up, so wtf? so i was like ok whatever. thats what he told me after HE planned our whole weekend out. then he texts me after work telling me to go to his side of town instead for drinks. what kind of date is that? i told him i had other plans, and i never heard from him again. so can someone explain to me where it went wrong? i really dont get it. and im pretty upset, because i want answers. i want an explanation. and most importantly, im so tired of dating. why? because i keep getting the same results. it never works out and then i have 2 start over every time. i was just thinking about this whole dating thing, and how all it is is just a game. and it pisses me off. because i wanna just get straight to the point. if u like me, do something about it. and thats it. people, especially guys like to play games, because it makes it more interesting. thats my opinion at least. and the worst part, i think he's dating someone else already. im pretty upset about this whole situation. that whole weekend all i did was drink and went through every little conversation and thing to figure out why. anything and everything pretty crossed my mind. it coulda been a major number of things. who really knows. oh, on another note... my ex calls me and has been texting me telling me that he pretty much regretted breaking up w/ me and that he LOVED me. thats right, the L word. i was speechless. i dont think its love, i think his emotions r taking over. i told him, i cant do this anymore. all we did was fight and i cant do the long distance thing anymore. a part of me wants to. but that wouldn't be the right thing to do. it would be for all the wrong reasons. i usually dont believe in second chances. its gonna take a lot more than a couple words for me to change my mind. do something about it. action speaks louder than words right? alright im out. got shit to do.

untitled...

um...its been a lot of mixed feelings lately. weird. so many thoughts, yet i always have the same problem. can never get any of it down on paper when i finally have the time. at this exact moment, im feeling this empty/lonely feeling. i've been feeling it a lot lately. i haven't felt it in a while. probably because when i have school i don't have time to deal with this bs. well first off let's start off with school. what a major disappointment this semester. i'm very disappointed in myself. extremely. not only did i not try hard enough. but now i'm gonna have 2 pay for the consequences. i didn't pass one of my classes so this will be the 2nd class that i'm gonna have 2 retake. & the worst part is i didn't pass it by 2%. not only that, i passed my other classes. but i'm not happy with my grades. which means now my gpa is lower. now i have to work twice as hard this summer & fall semester. what's worst is i went 2 talk 2 my advisor and it turns out, even with my summer classes, & this fall semester, i'll still need 36 units to graduate. which is like a year & a half. the most frustrating part to me is that i should've been done w/ this bs by now. but what happened? i cared more about guys and partying at the time. so now i'm paying for it. some of my friends say that sometimes i'm too hard of myself. maybe i am. but then at the same time it's motivation to do better. this takes me 2 another point. im in school with a full load & working 40 hours or more a week. i really don't know how people do it. its a struggle for me. but it keeps me busy. so its a hate love relationship. i was lucky enough to get a break for the past few weeks bc my summer classes start this tuesday. its so weird having a break bc i'm so used 2 being stressed and having work to do, and not getting sleep every night. now that i don't have that stuff to worry about it gives me more time to think about everything else that's going on in my life and how i really feel. & i don't like having that free time. summer school starts on tuesday and i have homework already. i'm kind of worried about it already because i know it's going to be a tough one. so i'm really nervous about it. anyway, so the other day i was getting ready for work and at the same time watching tv w/ my roommate's daughter. i was saying bye to her and telling her i love her cuz i'm not gonna see her for the next 4 days. & out of nowhere it hit me hard that in a few months i'm not gonna see her everyday anymore. i almost shed a tear. i've grown to love her more & more everyday like she's my own niece. her & her mother r practically family. it's gonna hard saying bye to them when they move away. and i try not to think about it much cuz deep down i think it's gonna hit me hard when the day comes. and now i know how she felt when i left az. anyway, this is the 1st time i've had a 3 day weekend for who knows how long. and it sucks that i don't even get to do anything. everyone decided to do their own thing this weekend. the one time i actually have some free time to go out. this is what i meant when i said, having all the money in the world doesn't mean anything if u don't have anyone to share it with. and a majority of the time i don't. i don't mean a relationship exactly, but a lot of times i feel like i have to work around everyone else's schedule. when it should be mutual. not one sided. i have money to travel, or do whatever, but it doesn't matter if there's no one to do it with. i look back to when i first moved here and see how much has changed. there are different things on the line now, and things that are so important to me now that weren't before. anyway, so my love life. is non existent. seriously. im not kidding. i think it's mainly bc i'm tired of dating. i just wanna skip the whole thing & jump into the relationship. bc the dating part is so complicated and long. " how do u feel about me, where is this going," blah blah blah. i still get messages from guys asking me out every now & then and i never respond. i think i haven't been because i'm just so tired of dating. or maybe im just afraid. when u start dating for a while, and u keep getting the same results, even though u go for different guys, u tend to get tired of the whole thing. i'd rather die alone then be with the wrong person, or someone's gonna treat me badly. & the worst part is, my mom puts a lot of pressure on me to get married and have kids. just cuz my sister had one, does that mean i have to have one now? doesnt exactly work that day. 3 questions she asks me everytime i come home is, when r u gonna get married, or do u have a boyfriend, when are u gonna have kids, and when are u gonna be done w/ school? its the most irritating thing in the world. i try not 2 let it get to me. but it's kinda hard when she bugs me about it everytime i come home to visit. which isnt often thanks to those remarks. in her eyes, it's so important to be in a relationship, bc apparently i need a rich guy to take care of me. sorry mom. i don't need anything. u depend on a guy too much, and u break up, then what happens? i put on a smile every single day. but 60-70% of the time, there's something bothering me. but it's stays in the back of my mind. & sometimes it all gets bottled up and ends up exploding at some point later on. which is why i like staying busy. because it means i don't have time to worry about what's really bothering me. i never understood people who say they're bored all the time. we have a millions of things to do in this world. even if i ever do have free time, i'm always doing something. it's called being productive. life's too short to sit around & do nothing. u can't let it pass u by. life's too short to be worrying, angry, sad all the time. i should be taking my own advice. if u take things for granted, or made mistakes and u get a second chance at it? grab it. because how often does that happen? its like when u fall. do u just sit there? or do u get back up? no one ever got anywhere by sitting still and doing nothing. make a difference.

blank...

so i'm sitting here listening to this new song by radiohead i just downloaded. if u guys know me, i'm mostly into hip hop, r&b and the occasional techno. radiohead is definitely different from anything ive ever heard before. i like the music more than the lyrics. its kinda hard for me to hear the lyrics. the music is actually kind of depressing but i like it. different. anyway, so i've had a lot on my mind lately. but i dont really have much time to write all of it since i should be doing my paper. finals are stressing me out badly. dont be surprised if u guys start seeing me w/ gray hair. u'll know why. anyway, was at my mom's house and she read my fortune. yes she's a psychic. she's pretty accurate. and i believe her. at least 80% of the time. anyway, a majority of the time she always tells me the same thing. that i miss someone. if u know me well, u probably know who's she's talking about. but i'll elaborate on that a little bit later if i have time. she tells me, u got this guy who likes u, and this guy, and this guy. and she can see what they look like and estimate how old they are. and if they live near here. she asks me u have all these guys who like u but i dont understand why u dont have a bf. which is so important to her for some dam reason that i could never understand. i might have all these guys that like me, but they're not the RIGHT guy. do u really want me to be w/ someone who treats me badly? or uses me? or hurts me? i've been thinking a lot about whether i've made the right choices. like what would've happened if i didn't move back here? would things have worked out if i stayed there? how bout if i worked things out w/ the other one? maybe we gave up too easily. maybe we didn't try hard enough. the other night i was talking to my roommate about it. and alcohol was involved, lol. so i got a bit emotional. and everything started pooring out. i asked her, how bout if i didn't make the right decision? i care enough about them enough to want them to be happy even though they've hurt me badly. it's hard for me to see them happy, but deep down that's what i want for them which shows how much i cared for them at one point. but i want to be happy too. i think a lot of things that are leading me to feel this way is because everyone close to me right now is having kids, getting married, done w/ school, etc. and i'm just stuck. i feel left behind and not getting closer to that point. i'm happy and ecstatic for each one of my friends. but at the same time i feel empty. it's been a very empty feeling lately. the more and more i think about it, the more and more it makes me sad that everyone's moving forward. and im just stuck. i know, i'm not trying to live in the past and i can be honest and say that i've grown a lot in the past 3 years. i've learned to be strong, or at least put on a strong exterior. but that doesn't mean i don't think about it sometimes. the "what if" i think we all think about it. my mom basically tells me i won't get into anything serious for years. i don't doubt it. and she said i've been through so many "break ups". she said that there's 2 guys that are going to enter the picture soon. 1 is young, lives kinda far, dark i think. the other is older, lives close and is light. whatever that means. she also reads my palm., reading ur palm is entirely different than getting ur cards read. reading ur palm is basically an outline of ur entire life. ur cards are basically what's going to happen in the near future. anyway, school is stressing me the hell out. this week and next week is gonna be brutal. finals. to top it off i need to have my 2nd surgery soon for my arm. it's so irritating sometimes. alright, time to get started. to be continued...

here goes nothing...

i usually really don't like writing when i'm under the influence, because it's when i'm the most vulnerable & have my guard down the most. anyway, i haven't really written anything because there's not much 2 write about. pretty much nothing is really going on in my life except for school & work. i'm trying hard 2 catch up on school & keep my grades up. but since january/february they've been suffering.i'm pretty much really scared & worried at this point. and to be honest i dont know if i'm going to pass. i think april 11 is the last day 2 withdraw from classes completely. but i'm not going to. i'm just going to stay in them & try my hardest and take whatever grade i get. cuz i have 2 deal with that since it's my own fault. i'm very disappointed in myself. mainly bc i let a guy/relationship disrupt my concentration w/ school. actually i shouldn't really blame any1. because i made my own choices. but its still a disappointment. because it's gonna put me behind even more. which is what really pisses me off. ok so i'm trying 2 think about what's usually on my mind. the main subjects? school, work, family, friends, guys. lately it's been school though. mainly cuz i'm really worried about it. i just really can't concentrate or focus this semester. i tried to but i just can't. anyway, i've been thinking about work a lot lately. mainly cuz that's all i ever do besides school. i've been thinking about more than usual. cuz i had a bad day the other day. which i know, does tend 2 happen here& there. i fucked up on a client's account. & my boss saw it & talked 2 me about it. he's cool. he's very understanding, & i've been w/ the company for two years now. but when i make a mistake, its huge, it affects a lot. the thing with mistakes at work is, u learn from them, fix them, & hopefully it doesn't happen again. its a disappointment though, cuz i've been doing this shit for two years so it shouldn't have even happened in the first place. anyway, that night, i ended up having a bad dream & couldn't even sleep. i had this dream where my boss rehired this girl that they let go & told me 2 train her on everything that i do cuz she was going 2 take my place. i was devastated. in reality, i've learned 2 like my job. shocker huh? how many people can really say that about their job? its really a love hate relationship. u either have good days, or really bad days. & those r the days where i get some really bad clients calling in & bitching at me. its ok though, cuz i can take it. its more like a challenge than anything & i just deal w/ it. i think about the future though cuz i wonder what i'm going 2 do when i finish school. unless i get a really big promotion, i'll have 2 eventually get a job that fits my degree & will be my career. it's hard, because i've grown w/ this company and built a relationship with it. but i'm not really thinking that far ahead yet. even though i've been with the company for that long i still get worried. sometimes i still feel like i dont have job security. just because of how the economy is nowadays. it'd be a piece of cake for them 2 replace me if they really wanted 2. so i usually watch the news every morning b4 work or school & i see all this stuff going on. i usually dont like watching it at all cuz it's depressing. it's not like they ever report anything good. i'm seeing all these tsunamis' happening, earthquakes, etc. and it scares me. not to mention makes me sad. which brings me back 2 the question: why do bad things happen 2 good people. for example, haiti. haven't they suffered enough? after haiti, it was chili, then turkey, taiwan, l.a., now manila. so i ask why? it really scares me. all these countries getting hit with 6.0+ earthquakes. it scares me cuz i wonder if 2012 is real now. and if it's coming sooner than we think. we even had a tornado touch down in az. l.a. got hit w/ a 4.0 recently and it's been heard that they're gonna get hit w/ a really big one in the near future. & that scares me. bc its close to us & i have family & friends there. when i heard all the hype about 2012. i got scared & didn't know what 2 think or believe. then my friend reassured me that it's a myth & the calendar just restarts. but now with everything going on, i'm unsure. & it scares me bc i'm not ready 4 everything 2 end. i need my family & friends in my life. i want & need 2 finish school, i want to have a family & get married one day. we all have dreams & goals that we want 2 accomplish. there's been parts of me that just want 2 just quit it all & travel or move 2 a foreign country. my goal was 2 finish school then move 2 l.a. my homegirl said something 2 me that's really stuck in my head. she said that, "susan, i dont think u'll ever leave cuz u dont wanna leave ur nephew behind, or ur family, friends." i agree. it's hard enough 4 me 2 be away from my nephew for a few days. let alone months. & my family & friends mean the world 2 me. they are my world. they're number 1 on my list. i dont even know if they know that. but they are. but i also have 2 think about myself. what's going 2 make me happy. and what's that? having my degree, & moving 2 l.a. having a bomb ass place along the beach along w/ an awesome job 2 go w/ it. i dont believe i'll be happy til i have all that. a majority of my time or day i spend it stressing, or worrying. i know, it's not good, but that's my life. i live a very busy life. i like being busy. for example, i'm actually free on weekends. i spend it going 2 church & getting errands done. i spent the day by myself 2day. i tend 2 go shopping A LOT during the weekend. & having my alone time 2day made me think about how i actually kinda wanna work on saturdays just so i dont spend it shopping. i dont wanna work the whole day. but a few hours would do it for me. i should prolly spend on school work since i'm already behind. but i just can't. i'm a horrible procrastinator. & probably always will be. i work better under pressure. i can't write anymore, or i wont stop.

wants/needs

so i've been thinking a lot about what i want , what i need, etc. relationship wise. it's hard because if u were to ask me. my answer would be i really don't know and couldn't tell u. after my last "relationship" i really don't know what i want anymore. it made me lose a lot of focus in a lot of things. everytime i get hurt or a guy does me wrong, it makes me put my guard up even more. so who should i thank for that? anyway, it's like half and half. half of me still wants a relationship eventually. the other half not really. i don't really know. it's so hard to explain. i miss having someone to talk to so much. i think about him sometimes. and it just hurts. so i try hard not to. i miss having the comfort and feeling secure w/ a guy. i miss feeling protected, introducing a bf, having someone there for me on my bad days. someone 2 bring me soup when i'm sick, someone to call me just to hear my voice. it's all the little stuff. and then the other half... i dont know. it's not even about living the single life at all. i don't really even know if i want to date anymore. i'm just frustrated from the whole thing, im starting to feel that it's hopeless and a waste of time. maybe because it keeps ending the same way. which is the fact that it ends. part of me wants to just be alone for a while. this also made me lose a lot of focus in school. which i think is what bugs me the most. i'm very disappointed in myself this semester and everytime i think about it, it pisses me off even more. i'm not saying i regret anything or would take any of it back. because i wouldn't. but i did lose focus. and to be honest, i dont' even know if i'm going to pass my classes this semester. that's how bad it is. i'm trying so hard to catch up on all my work but it's not going well. and it scares me a lot because i can't be behind any more then i already am. because then it'll change what i had planned. last semester i worked so hard, and i was so proud of myself because i did so well. i gave up partying, and didn't have a bf and ended up almost getting a complete B average. it's a very good feeling. so u can see why i'm so disappointed in myself this semester. i have to be hard on myself. and i have to push myself. otherwise i won't get anything done. i'm still on the edge about everything. i get these messages from guys everyday telling me everything i want to hear. what do i do with them? i delete them. i read everything i get and take it to heart. but i delete everything. what do i think about them? i almost feel bad for not replying. because at least these guys r taking a chance. but a part of me is like what's the point? i'm so tired of it all. maybe this is just the pain that i'm still feeling talking. who knows. if u were to look in my head right now, u would see a huge sign that says successful. and my hand reaching out trying to grab it. i keep trying and trying but i can't reach it because it's so far away. it's really hard for me to be happy right now. happiness is an emotion that doesn't really exist in my life often. it's a very small percentage. i would say it's 30% stress, 30% worry, 30% overwhelmed, 5% busy, & 5% happy. yes i know. it doesn't sound healthy. but that's the way i live my life. i keep myself busy all the time. i don't really have a choice. school & work take up my life. and if i'm lucky enough on some days i get to see my family & friends. i miss my nephew everyday. and the more and more i think about it, the more and more i'm sad that i don't spend enough time w/ him. i feel like i'm not a very good godmother or aunt for that matter. god blessed me w/ an amazing nephew. but on most days all i can think about is school. and what assignment i have to do next. or what's due next. then again, i think about everything going on in the world, with Haiti, and Chile. and i think about how fortunate i am in the end. the more i think about it though the more sad it makes me. i just can't believe all of this is happening. which brings me back to the question of why do bad things happen to good people. i never understood that. because i feel that they don't deserve it. what did they do to deserve that? it's very unfortunate. life is so short if u really think about it. how did 25 years already pass me by. why am i not where i wanted to be? what is it going to take to get me there? is another 25 years just going to pass me by? everyday i always think that there's never enough time in a day. it's already 9 pm and all i can think about is school. all my assignments i have to do by next week, my exam next week, my classes that i have tomorrow, my work schedule tomorrow & what i need 2 do at work tomorrow. i wasn't kidding when the title of my blog on here says in an average day i have a million thoughts. in reality, it's probably more than that....

1 day at a time..

whoever said breakups are easy are full of crap. it doesn't matter how long you've been w/ the person. it's still hard no matter what. so it just happened on monday but it all started since i got back home last week. i'm not going to write out what happened exactly or all the details. mainly cuz i don't really want 2 broadcast it to the world and i doubt he would appreciate that either. i wouldn't like it if he did it either. either way, i'm not really ready to talk about the whole thing anyway. with anyone really. the only person who really knows what happened is my roommate. & that's only cuz she lives w/ me. anyway, so our main problem in the relationship i would have 2 say is communication. it was really hard. and in the beginning we lacked a lot of it. i thought it got better since we worked on it more, but in the end,i guess not. long distance relationships are hard. i never really believed in em. when i see other people in them, i always think i hope it works out for them, but i dont see many that do. there's always a trust factor. i think what makes it hard for me is the fact that this was my first relationship in the last 3 yrs. i haven't really been with anyone or called anyone my bf since my last ex. i'm a very emotional type person which doesn't help the situation. i thought i grew stronger but apparently not strong enough. things went really bad last friday that i also started drinking since last thursday. the breakup made it worse. last saturday i started drinking from 11am-6 pm. since that day and the breakup i couldn't stop drinking. i know its not healthy and my body is suffering from it. but i just thought, the more i drink the less i'll think about it. but alcohol is just a temporary relief. because the next day the problem is still there. i finally stopped drinking yesterday when i saw my nephew. i haven't seen him in a week and it felt good 2 hold him. i knew i would start crying when i held him. i haven't really gone a day w/o crying yet. its been hard and ive been secluding myself from the world. i dont want to talk about it, see anyone, do anything. i have 2 photoshoots this weekend, and after that u wont see me like this again. dont be surprised if next time u see me i'll have purple or red head, and have it all chopped off. i talked to my mom today and she was like when are u gonna get married and have kids? i hope u find someone soon who will treat u good and so u can get married already and have kids. i was like wtf? can i finish school first? i dont know what i want anymore. after all this i dont even want to date anymore. i hate guys. i cant deal with this bs anymore. its so time consuming. & the biggest thing? i'm so disappointed in myself this semester. im struggling badly in all of my classes. its scary. i wish that i could start over. my days are so long, and i still feel like there's never enough time in a day. i wish that i could just come home from work everyday, hit the gym, and then turn on an nba game. i never even watch any of my fav. shows anymore. my life is just all about work and school. anyway, so how is it that guys deal with this stuff so easily? how is it that they get over someone so quickly. why is it always more painful for the girl? well then i wish i was a guy. i dont even like talking about it bc it just makes me want 2 cry. i think that just like any other relationship it makes u a stronger person and u just learn from it. so if i had a chance, would i change anything, or do it over? no. everything happens 4 a reason. if we were meant 2 be 2gether. then we would be. i can never find words when i finally have time 2 write. let go and move on i guess.

bad day..

everything's been going wrong since i got here. i'm happy that i finally get to spend time w/ him. and trying really hard not to let this stuff bother me but i cant help it. first off, when i got here and picked up my luggage only one of em came out. i must've been sitting there for like half an hour waiting for my luggage. so i went to customer service and was going to ask them about it. the minute i walked in, there it was. on the floor & open. apparently the zipper broke and my suitcase came apart. of course it happened to me. i was so upset. relieved that it could've been worse and lost. and im glad it wasn't. but still upset. i don't think i'm missing anything. but i just spent $70 the other day on another suitcase. im upset because this shouldn't have happened in the first place. excuse me, if im just blabbing away, but sometimes writing helps me feel better. that's if i can get the right words down. so anyway, then the next day my bf finds out that he ended up having to work friday, saturday and sunday. boy were we both upset. which means he's in a bad mood, and he feels hella bad, i'm in a bad mood, and i'm very upset and sad, bummed & disappointed. i should look on the brighter side, bc he works from 4am-12:30 pm, so im really sleeping during most of that time. but still, that could be time that he could be spending with me instead of working. what have we done since i got here? a whole lot of nothing so far. i'm being positive and thinking that it'll get better. oh u wanna hear more bad news. so yesterday i was being an idiot and going through my phone. and somehow accidentally locked it. i couldn't unlock it, which means i can't access anything on my phone. the menu, making calls, contacts, nothing. i can't get messages or phone calls either. i was so upset and worried. so i talked to tech support online & they're like u need a new sim card. so i go into the store and they got me a new sim card but they couldnt figure out the phone lock code so they said i had 2 call samsung. so i called samsung this morning & they said i gotta send in the phone to them or have at&t reflush the software, whatever that means. so i call at&t. was on the phone for almost an hour, to find out the same answer. gotta send the shit in. im so upset at this point. nothing is going right. today, im going back 2 at&t and asking them if my sim card is still usable and its just the phone that's locked. if that's the case, i might just get so upset and end up buying a whole new phone. the bf is very persistent about me getting an iphone. ive never liked the thing and always refused 2 get one. mainly cuz i think its way 2 high tech for me. and complicated. theres too much crap on there.mainly cuz i just need something that i can make phone calls, text & go online. thats it. i tried texting on the iphone once and was like wtf is this crap? its so hard. what if i got my nails done? i'd be fucked. anyway, so im finally here with my boyfriend, and somehow i still miss him. im really hoping that things get better. and i at least figure out this phone shit out. im seriously dying without my phone right now. i didn't realize how dependent on it i was until now.

unfocused?

its only been a few weeks since school started. and once again, everyday is a struggle 4 me. i thought last semester was hard. that was nothing compared to this. i feel like every semester it gets harder. i'm so stressed every single day that i'll probably be getting gray hair soon. i really wonder how people do this type of schedule. because i feel stressed and overwhelmed every single day. i don't want 2 sound like i'm complaining but people don't realize how intense it is. im working 40 hours and taking 15 credit hours at school. for those of you who don't know,that equals 5 classes. how do people do this? let me in on the secret on how you balance ur work. cuz it feels like there's a weight on my shoulders. i know it will pay off in the end but some days i just want to give up. but i keep telling myself that i can't. because i want 2 reach that goal one day that i've always had. otherwise i'll never be completely happy. this is what my schedule looks like. mondays, wake up @ 6:30 work 8-5, come home, shower, make dinner, & do homework. tuesdays, wake up @ 6:30 2 do hw, class from 9-10:15, work @ 11-4:45, class @ 5:40-8:30, visit the family for an hour or two. come home, shower, & homework. wednesdays, wake up @ 6:30, work 8-5, class @ 6:05-9:00, home, shower, dinner, homework. thursdays, wake up @ 6:30 for homework, class @ 9-10:15, work 11-5, visit the family, home, dinner, shower, homework, fridays wake up @ 6:30 then work all day. it's a never ending cycle. & people wonder why i don't party anymore. and the homework is insane. i have labs, quizzes, homework assignments due every week. sometimes i spend hours every night just on a few questions because it's so time consuming and hard. it's very overwhelming. sometimes i think that it's a good thing because it keeps me busy. but then again, i still worry the same amount, stress more, & get overwhelmed. people wonder why i drink during the week. my night ended on a depressing note earlier. i felt pretty depressed. if you go to my school u should know we have a major map and a dars report. i barely know anything about the two. each one lists the classes that u have to take for ur major. i always use my dars report. i looked @ my major map 4 the first time tonight, and i saw some completely different classes that weren't on my dars report. so now i'm stressed, and worried that i'm even more behind then i should be, and that i'm not taking the right classes. i need 2 talk 2 my advisor. not 2 mention, i didn't realize how much math i need 2 take. math is my weakest point. i've never been able 2 pass it. yet, i can't believe im majoring in business. it really worries me bc i struggle so much in it. my goal is 2 finish school in two years. now i'm wondering if that's still possible. no matter how hard i work. i don't want 2 give up, because that will just put me even further behind. and that's not an option. but on days like this, it puts me over the edge. i broke down earlier when i was driving home. because it was just all 2 much. & im worried that i'll never finish. very worried. i work so hard, yet i feel like i'm nowhere close to my destination. and it makes me so sad and angry @ the same time. i'm so frustrated.

on another note, the previous guy i was talking to... well that became official last month. crazy huh. everyone was shocked when they found out. like what? where did this come from? yea... it's a weird but good feeling. weird because i haven't been in a relationship for so long. good because i 4got what it was like 2 have someone in my life who really cares about me and likes me so much. we've been talking for a few months already but officially we've only been together for not that long. some things about him... he drives me crazy, he's funny, always makes me laugh, sociable, tough, passionate, etc. the hard part is he doesn't live here. i told myself i wouldnt ever do the long distance thing again. but he made me realize that just because it didn't work out the 1st time doesn't mean it won't work out this time. u won't know until u take a chance. crazy part is, he lives close 2 the same area my ex used 2 live in. crazy how that turned out huh? i cant stay away from those bay area fellas. anyway, yes, i get worried that it might turn out that way again, but i'm not going down the same path again, and he's right, life is short, u have to take a chance.there are days when we have "disagreements", but somehow it makes me miss him even more. he always wants me 2 be open w/ him and tell him how i feel and if i miss him. but idk, i feel like i can't open up completely with him yet. maybe im scared. or maybe because im not ready to yet. i don't like being open completely cuz then it makes me feel vulnerable and i feel exposed. i'll feel like he has me, and there's no more mystery to it. i'm not ready to let him completely in yet. trust is another really hard area. especially since we live in different states. it's easy 4 him 2 trust me. he has no reason not 2. he knows my schedule. i've never cheated on a guy & don't ever plan on it. i don't really see the point in it. i've always had a trust issue. not just with guys. with people in general. i've gotten hurt a lot which has caused me to put my guard up and build a wall. once ive known the person for a while and am comfortable w/ them, i'll let them in.anyway, i'm going to see him next week for 4 days. which is why im more stressed, bc i'm trying to get all my work done 4 this week & next week b4 i leave. cuz i dont want 2 have 2 worry about anything while i'm there. i have 2 tests when i get back so that's something else 2 worry about. its a weird but nervous feeling bc i haven't been back there since i left. i dont really know how i feel about it. it kind of brings back bad memories bc i have so much history there. but at the same time it's exciting, because i'm starting a new journey w/ someone new. it's a rush. i think i feel a little better after getting this shit out now. lets see if i can get some work done..