unfocused?

its only been a few weeks since school started. and once again, everyday is a struggle 4 me. i thought last semester was hard. that was nothing compared to this. i feel like every semester it gets harder. i'm so stressed every single day that i'll probably be getting gray hair soon. i really wonder how people do this type of schedule. because i feel stressed and overwhelmed every single day. i don't want 2 sound like i'm complaining but people don't realize how intense it is. im working 40 hours and taking 15 credit hours at school. for those of you who don't know,that equals 5 classes. how do people do this? let me in on the secret on how you balance ur work. cuz it feels like there's a weight on my shoulders. i know it will pay off in the end but some days i just want to give up. but i keep telling myself that i can't. because i want 2 reach that goal one day that i've always had. otherwise i'll never be completely happy. this is what my schedule looks like. mondays, wake up @ 6:30 work 8-5, come home, shower, make dinner, & do homework. tuesdays, wake up @ 6:30 2 do hw, class from 9-10:15, work @ 11-4:45, class @ 5:40-8:30, visit the family for an hour or two. come home, shower, & homework. wednesdays, wake up @ 6:30, work 8-5, class @ 6:05-9:00, home, shower, dinner, homework. thursdays, wake up @ 6:30 for homework, class @ 9-10:15, work 11-5, visit the family, home, dinner, shower, homework, fridays wake up @ 6:30 then work all day. it's a never ending cycle. & people wonder why i don't party anymore. and the homework is insane. i have labs, quizzes, homework assignments due every week. sometimes i spend hours every night just on a few questions because it's so time consuming and hard. it's very overwhelming. sometimes i think that it's a good thing because it keeps me busy. but then again, i still worry the same amount, stress more, & get overwhelmed. people wonder why i drink during the week. my night ended on a depressing note earlier. i felt pretty depressed. if you go to my school u should know we have a major map and a dars report. i barely know anything about the two. each one lists the classes that u have to take for ur major. i always use my dars report. i looked @ my major map 4 the first time tonight, and i saw some completely different classes that weren't on my dars report. so now i'm stressed, and worried that i'm even more behind then i should be, and that i'm not taking the right classes. i need 2 talk 2 my advisor. not 2 mention, i didn't realize how much math i need 2 take. math is my weakest point. i've never been able 2 pass it. yet, i can't believe im majoring in business. it really worries me bc i struggle so much in it. my goal is 2 finish school in two years. now i'm wondering if that's still possible. no matter how hard i work. i don't want 2 give up, because that will just put me even further behind. and that's not an option. but on days like this, it puts me over the edge. i broke down earlier when i was driving home. because it was just all 2 much. & im worried that i'll never finish. very worried. i work so hard, yet i feel like i'm nowhere close to my destination. and it makes me so sad and angry @ the same time. i'm so frustrated.

on another note, the previous guy i was talking to... well that became official last month. crazy huh. everyone was shocked when they found out. like what? where did this come from? yea... it's a weird but good feeling. weird because i haven't been in a relationship for so long. good because i 4got what it was like 2 have someone in my life who really cares about me and likes me so much. we've been talking for a few months already but officially we've only been together for not that long. some things about him... he drives me crazy, he's funny, always makes me laugh, sociable, tough, passionate, etc. the hard part is he doesn't live here. i told myself i wouldnt ever do the long distance thing again. but he made me realize that just because it didn't work out the 1st time doesn't mean it won't work out this time. u won't know until u take a chance. crazy part is, he lives close 2 the same area my ex used 2 live in. crazy how that turned out huh? i cant stay away from those bay area fellas. anyway, yes, i get worried that it might turn out that way again, but i'm not going down the same path again, and he's right, life is short, u have to take a chance.there are days when we have "disagreements", but somehow it makes me miss him even more. he always wants me 2 be open w/ him and tell him how i feel and if i miss him. but idk, i feel like i can't open up completely with him yet. maybe im scared. or maybe because im not ready to yet. i don't like being open completely cuz then it makes me feel vulnerable and i feel exposed. i'll feel like he has me, and there's no more mystery to it. i'm not ready to let him completely in yet. trust is another really hard area. especially since we live in different states. it's easy 4 him 2 trust me. he has no reason not 2. he knows my schedule. i've never cheated on a guy & don't ever plan on it. i don't really see the point in it. i've always had a trust issue. not just with guys. with people in general. i've gotten hurt a lot which has caused me to put my guard up and build a wall. once ive known the person for a while and am comfortable w/ them, i'll let them in.anyway, i'm going to see him next week for 4 days. which is why im more stressed, bc i'm trying to get all my work done 4 this week & next week b4 i leave. cuz i dont want 2 have 2 worry about anything while i'm there. i have 2 tests when i get back so that's something else 2 worry about. its a weird but nervous feeling bc i haven't been back there since i left. i dont really know how i feel about it. it kind of brings back bad memories bc i have so much history there. but at the same time it's exciting, because i'm starting a new journey w/ someone new. it's a rush. i think i feel a little better after getting this shit out now. lets see if i can get some work done..