healing.. a slow process

so last month i went through the worst pain ever. physically. im really glad that i can actually use my arm now and type this. i went to vegas with my best friend for the weekend. everything was awesome until the minute we stepped into this one bar. the minute i stepped in i slipped on water, and fell on my elbow. all i remember is it hurt like hell. next thing i knew, somebody grabbed me and pulled me up. i think it was my best friend. the stupid bouncers were gonna kick me out cuz they thought i was drunk. so she explained to them what happened. we went outside and one of the bouncers gave me an ice pack. then sum of the cops called the ambulance. the paramedics didnt really do shit but give me another ice pack & put me in a sling. nobody helped me, no one that worked in the bar came out to see if i was ok. nothing. we went back home the next day. i just remember getting a throbbing pain every few minutes. i would just scream out of nowhere. the following monday i finally went 2 urgent care 2 see a doctor. they said it was broken. thats when the tears came down. i never even cried about the pain or when it happened. i cried when i found out it was broken. then they referred me over 2 an orthopedic surgeon. if u dont know, i DONT have health insurance. so i was paying for all this on my own. went 2 see the surgeon. and got more bad news. i needed surgery. i started crying again once they told me. the worst part was it was gonna cost me 5gs which i didnt have. so i couldnt do the surgery. so i went 2 see the same orthopedic surgeon that my grandma saw.this doctor told me the same thing. that i needed surgery. if i dont do it ill prolly never be able 2 move my elbow/arm again. because the bone is going 2 start healing in the wrong way. & all of this was already a week after the fall happened. good thing about this dr. was he takes payments. i had to go through ER since i didnt have insurance. which is prolly gonna cost me twice as much. if i went through outpatient it woulda cost me 5gs. but i didnt have the money & my mom didnt wanna help me. ER prolly cost me 10gs. who knows. i havent gotten the bill yet. my surgery was 2 days b4 new years. i remember being so nervous bc ive never been through surgery b4. all i remember is being in so much pain when i woke up from it. i was crying from the pain so much. they took me 2 a different room & i had 2 stay overnight. long story short, im healing. the worst part is over. i think about it everyday since it happened. u dont realize how much u depend on ur arm until something happens 2 it. i was so upset about the whole thing. but then i think about the good and bad and how it could've been a lot worse.anyway, on a brighter note, ive seen the doctor maybe a million times by now and been going to physical therapy. i can move it a lot more then before. but it still bothers me everyday and there's still certain things i cant do which ends up making me really frustrated. i cant put up my hair, i have 2 brush my teeth left handed. it's still hard for me 2 change shirts w/o it hurting. putting on a necklace, or doing my makeup. its very frustrating and i get so mad sometimes. but its such a slow healing process. and i can feel the pin that they put in my arm. i haven't really gone out since this happened. i still get scared to wear heels sometimes. im afraid of people bumping into my arm. or slipping & falling again. but u cant live life in fear. anyway, so my baby sister is turning 21 tomorrow actually. its crazy because she's always been a baby to me. probably always will be. its really hard for me seeing her grow up everyday. turning 21, having a son. i never looked forward 2 this day because i officially feel old. & reality's really hitting. i look back and remember how close we used 2 be, how we used 2 do everything 2gether, everything we've been through. & now we're both adults. where have the past 20+ years gone? if its gone by that fast how much more quickly is another 20+ yrs gonna go by. i dont even want 2 think about it. anyway, on 2 the good stuff. the love life. its just the same thing. non existent. like i really want 2 meet any1 right now w/ my arm like this. people really dont realize how hard it is 4 me 2 open up2 someone. i usually cant do it. not until im ready 2 and am comfortable enough w/ the person. because it makes me feel vulnerable and i feel like it exposes u. i blame all the guys that have hurt me in the past. i mean, i cant put the past on the new guys that i talk 2, bc its not their fault. but, i cant help the way i am. i get messages everyday from guys asking me out, telling me how hot i am, giving me their numbers, asking me y im single, etc. i almost never reply. why? ive heard it all, or maybe im scared. i dont really know. im starting 2 really get tired of it. why? because ive dated a lot of guys last year, and it all ended up being a waste of time. never turned into anything. so now im just tired of it. plus school is starting again, and im going to be super busy w/ that and work. the guy that im with needs 2 understand that. i live a busy life and school is my main priority. i need lots of focus when im in school. & i cant lose that or ill fall behind. i cant afford 2 fall behind again. there has been a new guy that ive been talking 2 lately. i cant really say much about it yet cuz i honestly dont know how i feel & dont know where its going yet. or maybe i just dont want 2 say. he makes me laugh, & i really like talking 2 him. the days that i dont talk 2 him. i miss him. saying that much already makes me feel vulnerable. i dont really even know how its possible 2 miss some1 that u've never met b4. & i say that bc he doesnt live here. which is another thing im worried about, bc ive done the long distance b4. & it didnt work out. which doesnt mean this one wont. but i do think about that a lot, and get scared. its a big chance. one of the problems in the last relationship, was that he wasnt willing 2 compromise. i cant be w/ some1 like that. relationships r supposed 2 be mutual. so right now, i just want 2 take things 1 day at a time. its basically how i live my life. i dont like talking about the future cuz i dont know whats going to happen. to be continued.