afraid?

its been almost a month since i wrote one. lately ive been feeling kinda weird. i really dont know why. but it's really hard to explain it. im gonna try to write a short one cuz i got get up for work in 6 & 1/2 hrs. but the thoughts keep coming and coming, and my head feels really filled, but i cant get it out, i cant write it. as usual. i always have that problem. so i've been thinking a lot about everything going on. and how so many things have changed. and the more i think about it, the more it scares me. because i see all these changes, and when i see myself, i feel like im just stuck in the same spot. and i feel like i'm not going anywhere. i work hard everyday and i push myself. but i still feel like i'm not going anywhere. do u wanna know how i'm feeling right now? worried, scared, frustrated, annoyed, alone, loney, stressed, overwhelmed. do any of those emotions sound like a positive one? not really. i really don't like people worrying about me. which is probably why i try to smile and say im ok. ok, so i've been thinking about how everyone around me is taking a step forward, moving on w/ their lives. and i just feel stuck. my sister had her baby. & he's amazing. i pretty much showed up 20 mins after he was born. and i miss him everyday i dont see him. he definitely gets a lot of love from everyone. its a very wonderful feeling seeing my sister so happy. i cried the minute i walked into the room. i cried even more, when i saw her hold him for the first time. she's always been a baby in my eyes and probably always will be. she's my baby. and to see that she has a child now, scares me a little. because we've grown so much. i never really wanted this day to come. i've been living w/ my bff & her daughter for the past 8 months now. and its been awesome. i couldnt have asked for better roommates. we understand each other so we have an amazing friendship. i think about the future, and about how this living situation wont be like this forever. bc eventually she wont be here anymore. in about a year, she'll most likely move away to be w/ her bf. and i wont be able to see her and her daughter aka my "neice" everyday anymore. and it seriously makes me really sad thinking about it. now i know exactly how she felt when i left az and moved to sf. but at least she had someone at the time. she's the one person whos always been there for me, & we spend every day together, yet we never get sick of each other. we're the kind of friends who can just have a blast doing nothing. or sit in total silence and it wont be awkward. thats when u know ur really good friends. i've grown to love her daughter more and more everyday. when i have a bad day & come home, she's there, & she makes me smile when i wanna cry. to think about how they won't be here in the future makes me really sad. i don't even wanna think about it. but we all need to go on w/ our lives and do what makes us happy. one of myother close friends, is gonna be engaged soon. i know it. we all know it. she's been w/ her bf for so long. he's a cool guy. i envy their relationship and wish i had something like that. bc its really rare. and they've been 2gether for so long. u dont see that everyday anymore. today everyone rushes things. u see people getting married after knowing each other for a few months or a year. & how long does that really last? so 2 see my friend be w/ her bf for 7 yrs is amazing. i hope i find something like that one day. i can't believe she's gonna get married though. another step in life. another close friend of mine i found out recently is having a baby. i just pray for her that she has a healthy baby, and that she's happy. then i have one friend that i've been friends with for what seems like forever. she told me that soon, her bf will be moving here for her. they've been together for a really long time too. 1 of my other friends is moving away. her, her fiance, and baby can't afford 2 live here anymore so they're moving to stay w/ his family for a while. if u read my blog, u see where i'm going w/ all of this. everyone has kids, getting married, taking the next step. and i feel like im just stuck. for the longest time, i think, maybe a few months. i think i was doing good.i had work and school to keep me busy. its a good & bad thing bc it takes my mind off of everything else. i dont really have time to think about everything else going on. i dont have time to worry. im too busy w/ work & school. it pretty much takes over my life. i'm afraid of all these changes, i'm more afraid of growing up even more i guess. i feel kind of alone. and when i really think about it, we all just have ourselves to depend on. don't depend on your parents, or your bf or gf. you're the one living ur life. what would u do if u & ur bf broke up? or u moved away from ur family, ur on ur own. u do things for urself not for other people. honestly, i haven't been completely happy in a long time. i haven't found the answer to that yet. i've been feeling empty lately. i feel alone. but i know this moment will pass. i think that i really have changed a lot. and im starting to learn to be even more independent than i was, and really trying hard 2 be a stronger individual. focusing in school is really important right now. thats all i can say about this right now. peace out & god bless.