past

ok, so i think its been like 9 months since i've seen him. and i wanna keep it that way bc i know the minute i see him, it'll just make things complicated. we "drifted" away, bc he wasnt good for me. he hurt me. a lot. i think i "fell for him" pretty hard. i put that in quotations bc i honestly couldnt tell u wat tha hell it was. it was complicated. out of sight out of mind. yea i dont believe that bs. bc jus cuz i didnt see him, doesnt mean i didn't stop thinking about him. cuz i still did here and there. i fell into a cycle w/ him. the more i saw him, the more i liked him, the more i kept hurting myself. nothing ever happened between us cuz there was some1 else in the picture.w/ him at least. i dont even wanna say how long we kept playing this game. but it hurt me more than anything. the other problem was he didnt feel the same way about me that i felt about him. he would never be able to tell me how he really felt. i think he just told me what i wanted to hear. i think that a part of me will always have a "crush" on him. theres a lot of history there. but i can't go through it again. so to know that there's even a slight chance i might see him again, scares me. it also somehow makes me sad. cuz i know myself. and i know i would do something stupid. i would want to see him. for all the wrong reasons. but it would just lead to me being hurt again. and is that really worth it? i dont think he realizes how much he meant to me or how much i liked him. or he just never really cared.

i really dont know why but i've been thinking about my "past" a lot lately. im trying hard not to, bc it hurts when i do. 2 yrs later and u would think i would be over it. but somehow its still stuck in the back of my head sometimes. sometimes i think about texting him, or leaving him a msg on twitter or something. but i know thats a horribleeeeee idea. why? bc the past is the past for a reason. honestly, i dont believe that ex's can be friends. it's just impossible. theres so much history. and i wouldn't wanna go down that road again. why would i want to? more pain? this goes back to a question that i had, why do we do the wrong things, when we know what the right thing to do is? is it because we're just following our hearts? our hearts want one thing, but we know it's not always the right thing, yet we follow it anyway. can u really control ur feelings? i think its even harder, to see that he's so happy w/ some1 else, to know that he loves some1 else. how is it possible that some1 else can make him more happy than i ever did? i gave up everything & did everything for him. but then i think about how, isn't there always something better out there for u? well if there is i havent found it yet. i've only found the same patterns lately. all the same type of guys. people think i go out there looking for players, & fools that wanna hurt me. yea thats wat i want. am i supposed 2 ask them, "hi, r u a bad guy?" and expect them to tell me the truth? they all play the same game. & im really not the right girl to play it with. if i really wanted a bf that bad i could've had a dozen of em by now. but my option was, be single, or get hurt & get played. i think i'd rather be single. try explaining that to my family. they think being single is the worst thing in the world. it's like i have to have a bf. they ask me if i have a bf everytime i come home. its gotten so bad, that sometimes i dont even wanna come home anymore. now, i'm thinking, i'm wasting my time, thinking about all these fools, when i know dam well they could care less about me, and are definitely not thinking about me. i'm getting a headache. peace out & god bless.