feelings...

its amazing how much i have on my mind and how many feelings im feeling all at the same time when im drinking. lol. as bad as that sounds. a lot of people say that the truth comes out when ur drunk. i believe that. i do believe that at moments when im drunk or buzzed i might be a bit more honest. i might put my guard down for a moment and be more outgoing and let things out that i normally wouldn't. a lot of things have been going on lately. i've been feeling a lot things lately. today was one of my days off. it was a really busy day for me though. one part of my head i was focused on getting things done, sum "errands". the other part of my head was thinking about other stuff that's been going on recently. me and my roommate spent most of the day cleaning our place and redecorating it. and i have to say it looks really good now. im satisifed. at least more than before. i cant wait to start decorating the inside for xmas. aka my favorite holiday. anyway, its really amazing how much i can think about in a day. ok so for 1 & a half months pretty much i've been "dating" this guy. yes i'll put that out in the open. i wont put too much details into it though. lets just say that last weeek, we had the "talk" about where it was going, and what we wanted. these r his exact words, i like u, i want u to be my girl, and i want to be ur man, i want u to introduce me as ur man. so it was "established" as official. a few days later he starts being shady, i stop hear him saying things to me like, baby i miss u, i want to see u, i cant wait to see u, blah blah blah. today, was the first day he didnt "reply" to me, or i didnt hear from him all day. if u ask me why the sudden 360? i dont think i'm sure i'd be able to give u a straight answer. heres my input on it. hes the first guy in a long time, that i could actually see myself being serious with. and that means a lot. because i've dated a lot since i've been single. its been 2 yrs since ive been in a serious relationship. it'll be 3 next year. and within those 2 yrs i havent found anyone thats really been worth my time. no one that took me seriously, that i can as well take seriously. so wats the point. so this was the first guy. am i sad? honestly, i dont feel sad. im giving it one more day. to see if i hear from him. after that. im done. surprisingly, the old susan, at this point, would be emotional, sad, and calling all her friends maybe crying wondering what went wrong. or where it went wrong. however, i dont have those feelings. i dont feel sad. i dont feel like crying. i think i cried more when i watched new moon. lol. i feel more disappointed. let down. because hes the first guy i could see myself being serious with. so u would think i would be more upset about it. i mentioned in an older blog, that im busy a lot. so maybe thats part of the reason why im not exactly sad. i dont exactly have time. i was busy the whole day today. even though in the back of my mind i still thought about him and the whole thing. i thought about how i felt, i thought about what i would say or do if i did hear from him. should i play it cool? should i tell him how i feel? how will he know im upset if i dont tell him? another "excuse" it could be, is that he's busy. he doesn't work a normal 8-5 job. so ive been trying to be understanding. but to a certain limit. no one is so busy 24 hours a day, that they cant even pick up a phone to say hi or send me a text to see if im feeling better since im sick. when i finally do hear from him, wat does he say? " y havent i heard from u all day"? r u kidding me? since when is it the girl's job to kit w/ guys? thats ur excuse? its because i didnt call u? im starting to think about how i really felt about him, since i'm not even sad about the whole thing. which shouldnt i be? if hes someone i wanted to be serious with? but once again, how can i take some1 seriously, who doesnt take me seriously? am i wrong here? maybe we were moving too fast. maybe he got scared off. but if thats the case, be a man about it, tell me then. be honest for once. tell the truth. apparently a part of me does care otherwise i wouldnt be talking about this, or thinking about it so much. i put on this strong face, so that nobody will know what's underneath and what im really feeling. maybe im being contradictive. all i know is i feel very disappointed, yet not sad. & in 2 days... its delete..