healing.. a slow process

so last month i went through the worst pain ever. physically. im really glad that i can actually use my arm now and type this. i went to vegas with my best friend for the weekend. everything was awesome until the minute we stepped into this one bar. the minute i stepped in i slipped on water, and fell on my elbow. all i remember is it hurt like hell. next thing i knew, somebody grabbed me and pulled me up. i think it was my best friend. the stupid bouncers were gonna kick me out cuz they thought i was drunk. so she explained to them what happened. we went outside and one of the bouncers gave me an ice pack. then sum of the cops called the ambulance. the paramedics didnt really do shit but give me another ice pack & put me in a sling. nobody helped me, no one that worked in the bar came out to see if i was ok. nothing. we went back home the next day. i just remember getting a throbbing pain every few minutes. i would just scream out of nowhere. the following monday i finally went 2 urgent care 2 see a doctor. they said it was broken. thats when the tears came down. i never even cried about the pain or when it happened. i cried when i found out it was broken. then they referred me over 2 an orthopedic surgeon. if u dont know, i DONT have health insurance. so i was paying for all this on my own. went 2 see the surgeon. and got more bad news. i needed surgery. i started crying again once they told me. the worst part was it was gonna cost me 5gs which i didnt have. so i couldnt do the surgery. so i went 2 see the same orthopedic surgeon that my grandma saw.this doctor told me the same thing. that i needed surgery. if i dont do it ill prolly never be able 2 move my elbow/arm again. because the bone is going 2 start healing in the wrong way. & all of this was already a week after the fall happened. good thing about this dr. was he takes payments. i had to go through ER since i didnt have insurance. which is prolly gonna cost me twice as much. if i went through outpatient it woulda cost me 5gs. but i didnt have the money & my mom didnt wanna help me. ER prolly cost me 10gs. who knows. i havent gotten the bill yet. my surgery was 2 days b4 new years. i remember being so nervous bc ive never been through surgery b4. all i remember is being in so much pain when i woke up from it. i was crying from the pain so much. they took me 2 a different room & i had 2 stay overnight. long story short, im healing. the worst part is over. i think about it everyday since it happened. u dont realize how much u depend on ur arm until something happens 2 it. i was so upset about the whole thing. but then i think about the good and bad and how it could've been a lot worse.anyway, on a brighter note, ive seen the doctor maybe a million times by now and been going to physical therapy. i can move it a lot more then before. but it still bothers me everyday and there's still certain things i cant do which ends up making me really frustrated. i cant put up my hair, i have 2 brush my teeth left handed. it's still hard for me 2 change shirts w/o it hurting. putting on a necklace, or doing my makeup. its very frustrating and i get so mad sometimes. but its such a slow healing process. and i can feel the pin that they put in my arm. i haven't really gone out since this happened. i still get scared to wear heels sometimes. im afraid of people bumping into my arm. or slipping & falling again. but u cant live life in fear. anyway, so my baby sister is turning 21 tomorrow actually. its crazy because she's always been a baby to me. probably always will be. its really hard for me seeing her grow up everyday. turning 21, having a son. i never looked forward 2 this day because i officially feel old. & reality's really hitting. i look back and remember how close we used 2 be, how we used 2 do everything 2gether, everything we've been through. & now we're both adults. where have the past 20+ years gone? if its gone by that fast how much more quickly is another 20+ yrs gonna go by. i dont even want 2 think about it. anyway, on 2 the good stuff. the love life. its just the same thing. non existent. like i really want 2 meet any1 right now w/ my arm like this. people really dont realize how hard it is 4 me 2 open up2 someone. i usually cant do it. not until im ready 2 and am comfortable enough w/ the person. because it makes me feel vulnerable and i feel like it exposes u. i blame all the guys that have hurt me in the past. i mean, i cant put the past on the new guys that i talk 2, bc its not their fault. but, i cant help the way i am. i get messages everyday from guys asking me out, telling me how hot i am, giving me their numbers, asking me y im single, etc. i almost never reply. why? ive heard it all, or maybe im scared. i dont really know. im starting 2 really get tired of it. why? because ive dated a lot of guys last year, and it all ended up being a waste of time. never turned into anything. so now im just tired of it. plus school is starting again, and im going to be super busy w/ that and work. the guy that im with needs 2 understand that. i live a busy life and school is my main priority. i need lots of focus when im in school. & i cant lose that or ill fall behind. i cant afford 2 fall behind again. there has been a new guy that ive been talking 2 lately. i cant really say much about it yet cuz i honestly dont know how i feel & dont know where its going yet. or maybe i just dont want 2 say. he makes me laugh, & i really like talking 2 him. the days that i dont talk 2 him. i miss him. saying that much already makes me feel vulnerable. i dont really even know how its possible 2 miss some1 that u've never met b4. & i say that bc he doesnt live here. which is another thing im worried about, bc ive done the long distance b4. & it didnt work out. which doesnt mean this one wont. but i do think about that a lot, and get scared. its a big chance. one of the problems in the last relationship, was that he wasnt willing 2 compromise. i cant be w/ some1 like that. relationships r supposed 2 be mutual. so right now, i just want 2 take things 1 day at a time. its basically how i live my life. i dont like talking about the future cuz i dont know whats going to happen. to be continued.

break..

guess what? its almost christmas! aka my favorite holiday. =) i think im only like half way done w/ my xmas shopping. i hate the malls around this time. especially on the weekends. anyway, so my winter break has officially started. yeaaaaa.. lol. well for now. my winter session class starts on dec. 29. so i guess i get a break for a few weeks. its weird because im so used to having homework due on tuesday, thursday & sunday nights. so its weird not being stressed for once. im trying 2 find a second job. maybe to do on friday & saturday nights. but i havent really found anything i liked yet. im kinda pscyhed cuz i finally get to start working out again. 4 days a week at least. and it starts on monday. for sure. im gaining weight in all the wrong places. and its gross. im also trying to plan a trip or something while im on break too. might as well take advantage of it. now would be a good time to have a bf in my life. i actually have time to do stuff. anyway, the last guy i was talking to. man, that was a mess. it was a hot & cold "relationship". "baby, i want u 2 introduce me as ur bf, baby i miss u all the time, baby i care about u, baby i want u 2 be my gf" blah blah blah. actions speak louder then words man. a part of me wanted a relationship, a part of me didnt know what i wanted. i felt like he was another waste of time. he continued 2 message me later, and i was like who is this? people, if i dont hear from u after a certain time, i delete u. its simple as that. seriously, what's the point of having someone's number that u dont even talk 2 anymore. anyway, i haven't been in a relationship in years. sometimes i miss it. sometimes i don't. moments like this i do miss it. because of christmas & seeing all my friends in relationships. makes me miss those moments of having someone. but hey, im not gonna get all emo, and cry about it. relationships are important 2 me. and im not the type of girl who would put my bf second. i see a lot of people take their relationships for granted. i see when couples fight about the little stuff. and its not worth it. i think about the past & how i used to do that. and its not worth it. y sweat the small stuff? life is so dam short. my mom & grandma think that getting married, having a boyfriend, or having kids is so important. they ask me everytime i come home whether or not i have a boyfriend yet. which is y i dont come home a lot. it annoys the hell out of me. if i had a bf dont u think i'd tell u? i dont have anything 2 hide. so my mom read my palm last week & was like ur gonna get married late. thank god. im not ready for that shit. marriage is the last thing on my mind. i wanna finish school 1st, have a good job. i think i'd want 2 be w/ the guys for at least 3 years or more before even discussing marriage. everyone wants to get married now and have kids. but i keep wondering, whats the rush? if u love him, and he loves u, then what's the rush? hes not going anywhere, and ur not going anywhere. dont u want to get 2 know each other? and the whole living 2gether thing before marriage too. ive already been through that. i dont think i could do it again. not until im married. im not saying the first time was a mistake. but i learned a lot from it. i need my own space. and i would want him to have his own space. its hard 4 me to get my stuff done when im w/ my bf 24/7. so let me have my space. then ill come see u after. whats wrong w/ that? but then again, i say all this now, but who knows what will happen once i actually get into a relationship. it might be different then. but thats just how i see it now. i dont wanna make the same mistakes again. and i definitely dont wanna rush into anything. every single guy ive talked to has all been the same. it makes me not even want to date anymore. im serious. i feel like its so much work and i just get the same results everytime. i get messages from guys all the time in my inbox. "ur so hot, ur so sexy, here's my number, im diff. from the rest of them, u can trust me" blah blah blah.. please....if u were me, u'd be tired of it too. this blog sucks. im usually better at writing then today. its weird, because when i actually have time 2 sit down and write, i cant get it all 2gether.

different

so this guy wrote me a message. actually it was more like an essay. im definitely not responding, but i didn't even know how to take it..


how r u doin today....first of all before i get to the purpose of this message id like to give u this BLUE ROSE...a lot of people dont understand the mean'n of roses. im give'n u a blue rose for the simple fact of what it stands for and represents. a blue rose represents miracles and new possiblities. now on my message....by the way my name is j....short for jonathan...i look at life and its situations like this....basically i see it as two paths...One is long and difficult...The other short and simple. Which would you take? If u dare to take the long and difficult path..congrats you made the right decision. You will now grow stronger and be rewarded with Love and Happiness once u reach the end. Now if u dare take the short and simple path...Beware....U achieve Love and Happiness right away but I could be a DOG and you will grow weak and question if what you are reading is real in the end.and just to clearify something im not a dog just a figure of speech. Id prefer to take the and difficult path with u though and take time out to get to know u...to know and learn the simple things about as well as the complex and difficult side to u or things about u. I wasnt born a adults, We all have to grow right! Hearts are not made with love in them...Love grows into our hearts,and im not saying i feel that way just from reading your page and looking at your profile pic. Yes, I am real And have the look as well to go along with the personaity. I'm in to r&b, soul well actually ill listen to anything. I'm a U.S Marine and yes im down for fighting for our freedom each and evryday,i enjoy the simple things in life as well and im a very easy goin person. at time complicated but who isnt?...im a 26 yr old male originally from GA Well thats a lil about me and like i said before I would love to get to know you.Well get at me" I PREFER A UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH OVER A COMFORTABLE LIE.......THAT'S WHAT I CONSIDER KEEPING IT REAL AND TRUE"! ok now back to the blue rose....miracle or new possibilities...im hope'n for that miracale or new possibility with you well thats if we get that far or get to that level. but hey u never know. so yea this is all i have to say for now and i hope to hear back from u....j

any input u guys? crazy huh?

feelings...

its amazing how much i have on my mind and how many feelings im feeling all at the same time when im drinking. lol. as bad as that sounds. a lot of people say that the truth comes out when ur drunk. i believe that. i do believe that at moments when im drunk or buzzed i might be a bit more honest. i might put my guard down for a moment and be more outgoing and let things out that i normally wouldn't. a lot of things have been going on lately. i've been feeling a lot things lately. today was one of my days off. it was a really busy day for me though. one part of my head i was focused on getting things done, sum "errands". the other part of my head was thinking about other stuff that's been going on recently. me and my roommate spent most of the day cleaning our place and redecorating it. and i have to say it looks really good now. im satisifed. at least more than before. i cant wait to start decorating the inside for xmas. aka my favorite holiday. anyway, its really amazing how much i can think about in a day. ok so for 1 & a half months pretty much i've been "dating" this guy. yes i'll put that out in the open. i wont put too much details into it though. lets just say that last weeek, we had the "talk" about where it was going, and what we wanted. these r his exact words, i like u, i want u to be my girl, and i want to be ur man, i want u to introduce me as ur man. so it was "established" as official. a few days later he starts being shady, i stop hear him saying things to me like, baby i miss u, i want to see u, i cant wait to see u, blah blah blah. today, was the first day he didnt "reply" to me, or i didnt hear from him all day. if u ask me why the sudden 360? i dont think i'm sure i'd be able to give u a straight answer. heres my input on it. hes the first guy in a long time, that i could actually see myself being serious with. and that means a lot. because i've dated a lot since i've been single. its been 2 yrs since ive been in a serious relationship. it'll be 3 next year. and within those 2 yrs i havent found anyone thats really been worth my time. no one that took me seriously, that i can as well take seriously. so wats the point. so this was the first guy. am i sad? honestly, i dont feel sad. im giving it one more day. to see if i hear from him. after that. im done. surprisingly, the old susan, at this point, would be emotional, sad, and calling all her friends maybe crying wondering what went wrong. or where it went wrong. however, i dont have those feelings. i dont feel sad. i dont feel like crying. i think i cried more when i watched new moon. lol. i feel more disappointed. let down. because hes the first guy i could see myself being serious with. so u would think i would be more upset about it. i mentioned in an older blog, that im busy a lot. so maybe thats part of the reason why im not exactly sad. i dont exactly have time. i was busy the whole day today. even though in the back of my mind i still thought about him and the whole thing. i thought about how i felt, i thought about what i would say or do if i did hear from him. should i play it cool? should i tell him how i feel? how will he know im upset if i dont tell him? another "excuse" it could be, is that he's busy. he doesn't work a normal 8-5 job. so ive been trying to be understanding. but to a certain limit. no one is so busy 24 hours a day, that they cant even pick up a phone to say hi or send me a text to see if im feeling better since im sick. when i finally do hear from him, wat does he say? " y havent i heard from u all day"? r u kidding me? since when is it the girl's job to kit w/ guys? thats ur excuse? its because i didnt call u? im starting to think about how i really felt about him, since i'm not even sad about the whole thing. which shouldnt i be? if hes someone i wanted to be serious with? but once again, how can i take some1 seriously, who doesnt take me seriously? am i wrong here? maybe we were moving too fast. maybe he got scared off. but if thats the case, be a man about it, tell me then. be honest for once. tell the truth. apparently a part of me does care otherwise i wouldnt be talking about this, or thinking about it so much. i put on this strong face, so that nobody will know what's underneath and what im really feeling. maybe im being contradictive. all i know is i feel very disappointed, yet not sad. & in 2 days... its delete..

Regret

Regret. I think that’s another word that I think is pretty powerful. It’s weird because I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Its been coming across my mind a lot lately. I don’t really know why, because I’m one of those people who don’t have any regrets. I don’t really believe in it. I believe that at that moment that it happened, it was exactly what you wanted. You could’ve prevented it from happening rather then “regretting” it later on. I can say though that I’ve made a lot of mistakes, which I’ve learned from. I’ve dated a lot of guys who were losers, or ones that tried to use me. And I tried to stop it before it led to anything else. Because I’m not that type of girl. However there have been times where I fell victim of temptation because I liked the guy so much. I knew he would hurt me somehow yet I chose to go down that path anyways and ended up paying for it later. Does that mean I regret it? No. I don’t. I learned from it. But then I think its difficult when u have children. U don’t want ur kids to make the same mistakes as u did, but then how will they learn? U can tell them the right thing to do, but in the end they’re still going to do what they want to do. The point im trying to make is that we all do things that later on, we look back on and we second guess it or wonder if it was the right thing. No regrets though. It’s in the past already. It already happened, so why not let it be? I think I can say that in the past 25 years I’ve done a lot of stupid things. But I don’t regret anything. It was an experience. And that’s what life is.

opportunities

i should really be getting sum rest. but i've been on a roll writing these blogs. and i have mr. gorgeous to thank for that. he really is an inspiration. people always say that i seem interesting when they read my profile. u should see his. its amazing. and everytime i read his blogs it always makes me think. hes my "celebrity crush" lol. anyway, i read this blog and saw this video that he posted and it really made me think. i'm thinking about coppin the video he posted cuz its so amazing. anyway, he talks about missed opportunities. and that really made me think a lot. especially watching the video as well. anyway, people really don't realize how short life is. i think about it everyday. yet sometimes i wish that i would really take more risks. be less picky. i could not wake up tomorrow, or i could get hit by a bus, or get into an accident and not be here tomorrow. (knocks on wood). im jus sayin. that life is short. it seems like it goes by so quickly. when i think about it i cant believe 25 years have already passed by. so how much more quickly is another 25 years going to pass by? how many opportunities have i missed? we all dont take enough risks or chances in our lifetime. but why not? what do u have to lose. i've never been the type of girl to go up to a guy and just start talking to him. i dont think im bold enough to do that. i dont think i ever will be. even drunk loud susan wouldnt do it. but then that makes me think about how many opportunities i've missed. when i see a really cute guy i would never go up and talk to him. but i always encourage my friends to if they like someone. i tell them to take a chance, because most likely you'll never see that person again. i dont have a problem talking to someone that my friends like for them. i'll do it. yet when it comes to me, i just cant do it for myself. i think i'm scared of rejection. i guess guys do have it hard sometimes. but then this also comes to my other question. wat about when a guy asks me how i feel about him. i have a very hard time telling him. i have a hard time trusting people. especially guys. i always want to know how they feel about me, but when they ask me, i'm afraid to tell them. i always have my guard up. and i guess i dont want to tell them because i dont want to seem vulnerable. i don't want to lay it all out on the table. i want to keep them guessing. plus u should know already. if i didn't like u then i wouldnt be talking to u. so u must be doing something right. this guy... i want to ask him badly, how do u feel about me? where is this going? do u like me? do u even eventually want a serious relationship? but i think i'm afraid of scaring him off. but dont i deserve to get some answers after a month already? how about if something better comes along but i was too occupied w/ him and i missed out on something better. i'm not the type of girl to be juggling guys. if i like a guy, hes gonna be the one i'm talking to. thats it.

Happiness

Honestly, I don’t think that anyone in this world is ever completely happy. If they say they are I still think they’re lying and wouldn’t believe them. When was the last time I was completely happy? I don’t really remember. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness. Sometimes I feel like my life is incomplete and that something’s missing. A lot of you are probably thinking its probably because I’m single. And don’t have that special someone in my life. But I think that’s only part of it. I don’t think I’d say anymore that I’m unhappy. But I don’t think I’ll reach closer to that happiness until I succeed in reaching my goals. One of them is finishing school. I’ve become way more serious with this and have made it one of my top priorities. And that’s the way it should have been in the beginning. Y the sudden change? Because I’m not getting any younger. I don’t want to work at the same job for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to worry about money for the rest of my life. I don’t want to feel unsecure about that. I want to have my career. So that one day I can encourage my kids to do the same. if they want to give up I can say that I never did and I kept pushing even though I wanted to give up. But I didn’t. I want to say I worked hard to get where I am and that it definitely paid off. Why should we all settle for less? That’s what going to school is for. That’s why you need an education. Where are you going to go being a basketball player, or an actress, or rapper. What happens if you get injured playing, and can never play again, then what? What happens, if your career as an actress ends, then what? Having a degree means that you’ll always have a job. I admire everyone that goes to school. Because that means they want to do something with their life. Another thing is, I’ve given up a big part of the party life I used to have. I used to party so much, and ended up going to school part time, dropping all of my classes. And by the end of the semester I’d only be taking one class that I got a C in. if u do the math, and I keep going at it that way, how long would it take me to graduate? And at what cost? School’s not exactly cheap. That’s made me think a lot too. I don’t want to be in major debt by the time I graduate. I used to party Wednesday to Saturday til 7 or 8 in the morning. Ditch school or go to school with a hangover. I can’t do that anymore. not only was it killing my liver, but my body felt weak too. There’s more important things than partying all the time. You can do that any time. It’ll always be there. Another thing that might be why I’m not completely happy is because I haven’t exactly found anyone that “completes” me I guess u can say. As cheesy as that sounds. I guess I’m kind of picky. Everyone says I need to stop talking to these losers, or dating these losers. You guys act like I KNOW that they will be a loser. Its not like I’m going to ask them that. And know when I first meet em. But I haven’t found anyone that’s worth my time. They’ve all been the same type of guys. All after me for the same thing. And I don’t have time for that. Most of them play games and I don’t have time for that either. I never really understood that. Love isn’t a game. You either like the person or u don’t. its that simple. And if u like them, well then do something about it. Like I said in my last blog, I’m not exactly sure what I want anymore. after “dating” or should I say “hanging out” with this recent guy it makes me think of a lot of things. It’s a very hot and cold situation. Which is very frustrating to me. However its good and bad. Obviously I have some sort of feelings for the guy otherwise I wouldn’t care so much y he’s so cold sometimes. But then the other part, I’m so busy most of the time, that I don’t even have time to care. Which sounds really bad too. I cant win. What’s a girl to do. It’s a good and bad thing being single. U don’t have to stress about all the drama. No getting into arguments. And I can focus more in school and not have to be thinking about a guy the whole time. Yet, I miss it sometimes. I miss having someone there for me. And someone to talk to. It’s a lonely and incomplete feeling at times. But I’ve been learning slowly to be stronger emotionally. That was always a weak point.

Update

i've had this blogger forever and i still don't know how to use it. i need to figure out how 2 customize it the way i want it to look. anyway, latest feelings.. confused, stressed, overwhelmed, shocked, surprised, adored, fun, ecstatic, busy, indecisive, annoyed, etc. the list just keeps going and going. school's been stressful as usual. but it keeps me busy which is good. which means i don't worry about the other stuff. wait scratch that. now that i think about it, i still worry. about a lot of things actually. but that's just me. here's a list of things i need to get done asap
SOC-weekly hw due sunday & exam on the 16th
CIS-labs due sunday
ENG-rough draft work plan was due 2day
FAS-3 exams & a paper due by the 19th
FIN-exam was today

u see wat i have to deal with. i found out recently that i got an A on my exam that i took last week. it made my day. literally. i dont remember the last time i was that ecstatic. The first test i got a C. so i was so happy about this one. it was an amazing feeling. obviously if u havent noticed i dont get A's often. cuz if i did i would brag about it more. lol. I found out i got an A on this other discussion i did for another class, 2 B's on on two papers i recently did. so far so good right? i need to keep it up. i cant wait for this semester to end. i get a break for a month. although i'll be taking a winter class. anyway, during winter break i have exactly a month to get back into shape. im so unhappy with my body right now. i think i've been gaining weight but its in all the wrong places. gross. i need to tone it, and i wanna be fit like i used to be. i actually miss going to the gym 4 days a week. i never liked going. but it really does help me fight my stress & takes my mind off of a lot of things. its a big motivation when i work out. i recently deleted my facebook. r u guys shocked? lol. i just got so annoyed at it. everyone was making a huge deal out of it. when all it is is posting a status update and leaving comments and responses on people's status updates. u guys might as well just get a twitter. and all the dam application invites and everything was overwhelming and getting on my nerves. facebook is too much for me. too complicated. im devoted to myspace. i like it way more cuz its not as complicated, u can listen to music, and u can customize ur page the way u want it. and even write on it. a part of me even wants to delete my mypsace. i'm getting too old for this networking crap. i kinda wanna jus keep a blog and twitter. if u think about it, how much time do we spend online? A LOT! we could be out doing something way more productive. people say they keep it to keep in touch w/ their friends. u guys have my email AND phone number. call me.

so time for the good stuff. so theres this guy. of course there is right.. isnt there always. im not gonna put too many details cuz i dont know where its going. hes not from here. thank god. cuz i hate the whole every1 knows every1 crap here in az. ive actually been talkin 2 him for a while. surprisingly. usually we're done after like a week, or two dates or watever. i usually call it quits cuz they always try 2 get in my pants after the 1st date. anyway, hes different. do u guys know where i always want to go on a first date? wats the perfect first date in my eyes? going to the fair. guess where he took me on our first date? to my fav. restaurant and to the fair. actually we've gone twice since i've known him. and he also took me to the game last weekend. i'm not really sure how i feel about him yet. its hard. because its also complicated. anyway, i'm not sure if i can take him seriously yet, cuz i feel like he doesnt take me seriously. u would think, u'd know how u feel about someone or know where its going after a month. tell him that. like i said theres more behind it, but i just dont feel like sharing. then again, i could be a hypocrit, bc a part of me doesn't know what i want anymore. a part of me does want a relationship. but another part of me doesn't know anymore. i live a really busy life during the week, i'm up late doing homework, and im trying really hard this semester to stay focused. and the guy that i'm with needs to understand that. he needs to understand that school is one of my top priorities. which doesn't mean that i wont make time for the right guy. but he needs to be understanding too. i got a lot more to talk about but i only got 4hrs of sleep last nite thx to studying and hw. so peace out and god bless for now.

past

ok, so i think its been like 9 months since i've seen him. and i wanna keep it that way bc i know the minute i see him, it'll just make things complicated. we "drifted" away, bc he wasnt good for me. he hurt me. a lot. i think i "fell for him" pretty hard. i put that in quotations bc i honestly couldnt tell u wat tha hell it was. it was complicated. out of sight out of mind. yea i dont believe that bs. bc jus cuz i didnt see him, doesnt mean i didn't stop thinking about him. cuz i still did here and there. i fell into a cycle w/ him. the more i saw him, the more i liked him, the more i kept hurting myself. nothing ever happened between us cuz there was some1 else in the picture.w/ him at least. i dont even wanna say how long we kept playing this game. but it hurt me more than anything. the other problem was he didnt feel the same way about me that i felt about him. he would never be able to tell me how he really felt. i think he just told me what i wanted to hear. i think that a part of me will always have a "crush" on him. theres a lot of history there. but i can't go through it again. so to know that there's even a slight chance i might see him again, scares me. it also somehow makes me sad. cuz i know myself. and i know i would do something stupid. i would want to see him. for all the wrong reasons. but it would just lead to me being hurt again. and is that really worth it? i dont think he realizes how much he meant to me or how much i liked him. or he just never really cared.

i really dont know why but i've been thinking about my "past" a lot lately. im trying hard not to, bc it hurts when i do. 2 yrs later and u would think i would be over it. but somehow its still stuck in the back of my head sometimes. sometimes i think about texting him, or leaving him a msg on twitter or something. but i know thats a horribleeeeee idea. why? bc the past is the past for a reason. honestly, i dont believe that ex's can be friends. it's just impossible. theres so much history. and i wouldn't wanna go down that road again. why would i want to? more pain? this goes back to a question that i had, why do we do the wrong things, when we know what the right thing to do is? is it because we're just following our hearts? our hearts want one thing, but we know it's not always the right thing, yet we follow it anyway. can u really control ur feelings? i think its even harder, to see that he's so happy w/ some1 else, to know that he loves some1 else. how is it possible that some1 else can make him more happy than i ever did? i gave up everything & did everything for him. but then i think about how, isn't there always something better out there for u? well if there is i havent found it yet. i've only found the same patterns lately. all the same type of guys. people think i go out there looking for players, & fools that wanna hurt me. yea thats wat i want. am i supposed 2 ask them, "hi, r u a bad guy?" and expect them to tell me the truth? they all play the same game. & im really not the right girl to play it with. if i really wanted a bf that bad i could've had a dozen of em by now. but my option was, be single, or get hurt & get played. i think i'd rather be single. try explaining that to my family. they think being single is the worst thing in the world. it's like i have to have a bf. they ask me if i have a bf everytime i come home. its gotten so bad, that sometimes i dont even wanna come home anymore. now, i'm thinking, i'm wasting my time, thinking about all these fools, when i know dam well they could care less about me, and are definitely not thinking about me. i'm getting a headache. peace out & god bless.

afraid?

its been almost a month since i wrote one. lately ive been feeling kinda weird. i really dont know why. but it's really hard to explain it. im gonna try to write a short one cuz i got get up for work in 6 & 1/2 hrs. but the thoughts keep coming and coming, and my head feels really filled, but i cant get it out, i cant write it. as usual. i always have that problem. so i've been thinking a lot about everything going on. and how so many things have changed. and the more i think about it, the more it scares me. because i see all these changes, and when i see myself, i feel like im just stuck in the same spot. and i feel like i'm not going anywhere. i work hard everyday and i push myself. but i still feel like i'm not going anywhere. do u wanna know how i'm feeling right now? worried, scared, frustrated, annoyed, alone, loney, stressed, overwhelmed. do any of those emotions sound like a positive one? not really. i really don't like people worrying about me. which is probably why i try to smile and say im ok. ok, so i've been thinking about how everyone around me is taking a step forward, moving on w/ their lives. and i just feel stuck. my sister had her baby. & he's amazing. i pretty much showed up 20 mins after he was born. and i miss him everyday i dont see him. he definitely gets a lot of love from everyone. its a very wonderful feeling seeing my sister so happy. i cried the minute i walked into the room. i cried even more, when i saw her hold him for the first time. she's always been a baby in my eyes and probably always will be. she's my baby. and to see that she has a child now, scares me a little. because we've grown so much. i never really wanted this day to come. i've been living w/ my bff & her daughter for the past 8 months now. and its been awesome. i couldnt have asked for better roommates. we understand each other so we have an amazing friendship. i think about the future, and about how this living situation wont be like this forever. bc eventually she wont be here anymore. in about a year, she'll most likely move away to be w/ her bf. and i wont be able to see her and her daughter aka my "neice" everyday anymore. and it seriously makes me really sad thinking about it. now i know exactly how she felt when i left az and moved to sf. but at least she had someone at the time. she's the one person whos always been there for me, & we spend every day together, yet we never get sick of each other. we're the kind of friends who can just have a blast doing nothing. or sit in total silence and it wont be awkward. thats when u know ur really good friends. i've grown to love her daughter more and more everyday. when i have a bad day & come home, she's there, & she makes me smile when i wanna cry. to think about how they won't be here in the future makes me really sad. i don't even wanna think about it. but we all need to go on w/ our lives and do what makes us happy. one of myother close friends, is gonna be engaged soon. i know it. we all know it. she's been w/ her bf for so long. he's a cool guy. i envy their relationship and wish i had something like that. bc its really rare. and they've been 2gether for so long. u dont see that everyday anymore. today everyone rushes things. u see people getting married after knowing each other for a few months or a year. & how long does that really last? so 2 see my friend be w/ her bf for 7 yrs is amazing. i hope i find something like that one day. i can't believe she's gonna get married though. another step in life. another close friend of mine i found out recently is having a baby. i just pray for her that she has a healthy baby, and that she's happy. then i have one friend that i've been friends with for what seems like forever. she told me that soon, her bf will be moving here for her. they've been together for a really long time too. 1 of my other friends is moving away. her, her fiance, and baby can't afford 2 live here anymore so they're moving to stay w/ his family for a while. if u read my blog, u see where i'm going w/ all of this. everyone has kids, getting married, taking the next step. and i feel like im just stuck. for the longest time, i think, maybe a few months. i think i was doing good.i had work and school to keep me busy. its a good & bad thing bc it takes my mind off of everything else. i dont really have time to think about everything else going on. i dont have time to worry. im too busy w/ work & school. it pretty much takes over my life. i'm afraid of all these changes, i'm more afraid of growing up even more i guess. i feel kind of alone. and when i really think about it, we all just have ourselves to depend on. don't depend on your parents, or your bf or gf. you're the one living ur life. what would u do if u & ur bf broke up? or u moved away from ur family, ur on ur own. u do things for urself not for other people. honestly, i haven't been completely happy in a long time. i haven't found the answer to that yet. i've been feeling empty lately. i feel alone. but i know this moment will pass. i think that i really have changed a lot. and im starting to learn to be even more independent than i was, and really trying hard 2 be a stronger individual. focusing in school is really important right now. thats all i can say about this right now. peace out & god bless.