past

ok, so i think its been like 9 months since i've seen him. and i wanna keep it that way bc i know the minute i see him, it'll just make things complicated. we "drifted" away, bc he wasnt good for me. he hurt me. a lot. i think i "fell for him" pretty hard. i put that in quotations bc i honestly couldnt tell u wat tha hell it was. it was complicated. out of sight out of mind. yea i dont believe that bs. bc jus cuz i didnt see him, doesnt mean i didn't stop thinking about him. cuz i still did here and there. i fell into a cycle w/ him. the more i saw him, the more i liked him, the more i kept hurting myself. nothing ever happened between us cuz there was some1 else in the picture.w/ him at least. i dont even wanna say how long we kept playing this game. but it hurt me more than anything. the other problem was he didnt feel the same way about me that i felt about him. he would never be able to tell me how he really felt. i think he just told me what i wanted to hear. i think that a part of me will always have a "crush" on him. theres a lot of history there. but i can't go through it again. so to know that there's even a slight chance i might see him again, scares me. it also somehow makes me sad. cuz i know myself. and i know i would do something stupid. i would want to see him. for all the wrong reasons. but it would just lead to me being hurt again. and is that really worth it? i dont think he realizes how much he meant to me or how much i liked him. or he just never really cared.

i really dont know why but i've been thinking about my "past" a lot lately. im trying hard not to, bc it hurts when i do. 2 yrs later and u would think i would be over it. but somehow its still stuck in the back of my head sometimes. sometimes i think about texting him, or leaving him a msg on twitter or something. but i know thats a horribleeeeee idea. why? bc the past is the past for a reason. honestly, i dont believe that ex's can be friends. it's just impossible. theres so much history. and i wouldn't wanna go down that road again. why would i want to? more pain? this goes back to a question that i had, why do we do the wrong things, when we know what the right thing to do is? is it because we're just following our hearts? our hearts want one thing, but we know it's not always the right thing, yet we follow it anyway. can u really control ur feelings? i think its even harder, to see that he's so happy w/ some1 else, to know that he loves some1 else. how is it possible that some1 else can make him more happy than i ever did? i gave up everything & did everything for him. but then i think about how, isn't there always something better out there for u? well if there is i havent found it yet. i've only found the same patterns lately. all the same type of guys. people think i go out there looking for players, & fools that wanna hurt me. yea thats wat i want. am i supposed 2 ask them, "hi, r u a bad guy?" and expect them to tell me the truth? they all play the same game. & im really not the right girl to play it with. if i really wanted a bf that bad i could've had a dozen of em by now. but my option was, be single, or get hurt & get played. i think i'd rather be single. try explaining that to my family. they think being single is the worst thing in the world. it's like i have to have a bf. they ask me if i have a bf everytime i come home. its gotten so bad, that sometimes i dont even wanna come home anymore. now, i'm thinking, i'm wasting my time, thinking about all these fools, when i know dam well they could care less about me, and are definitely not thinking about me. i'm getting a headache. peace out & god bless.

afraid?

its been almost a month since i wrote one. lately ive been feeling kinda weird. i really dont know why. but it's really hard to explain it. im gonna try to write a short one cuz i got get up for work in 6 & 1/2 hrs. but the thoughts keep coming and coming, and my head feels really filled, but i cant get it out, i cant write it. as usual. i always have that problem. so i've been thinking a lot about everything going on. and how so many things have changed. and the more i think about it, the more it scares me. because i see all these changes, and when i see myself, i feel like im just stuck in the same spot. and i feel like i'm not going anywhere. i work hard everyday and i push myself. but i still feel like i'm not going anywhere. do u wanna know how i'm feeling right now? worried, scared, frustrated, annoyed, alone, loney, stressed, overwhelmed. do any of those emotions sound like a positive one? not really. i really don't like people worrying about me. which is probably why i try to smile and say im ok. ok, so i've been thinking about how everyone around me is taking a step forward, moving on w/ their lives. and i just feel stuck. my sister had her baby. & he's amazing. i pretty much showed up 20 mins after he was born. and i miss him everyday i dont see him. he definitely gets a lot of love from everyone. its a very wonderful feeling seeing my sister so happy. i cried the minute i walked into the room. i cried even more, when i saw her hold him for the first time. she's always been a baby in my eyes and probably always will be. she's my baby. and to see that she has a child now, scares me a little. because we've grown so much. i never really wanted this day to come. i've been living w/ my bff & her daughter for the past 8 months now. and its been awesome. i couldnt have asked for better roommates. we understand each other so we have an amazing friendship. i think about the future, and about how this living situation wont be like this forever. bc eventually she wont be here anymore. in about a year, she'll most likely move away to be w/ her bf. and i wont be able to see her and her daughter aka my "neice" everyday anymore. and it seriously makes me really sad thinking about it. now i know exactly how she felt when i left az and moved to sf. but at least she had someone at the time. she's the one person whos always been there for me, & we spend every day together, yet we never get sick of each other. we're the kind of friends who can just have a blast doing nothing. or sit in total silence and it wont be awkward. thats when u know ur really good friends. i've grown to love her daughter more and more everyday. when i have a bad day & come home, she's there, & she makes me smile when i wanna cry. to think about how they won't be here in the future makes me really sad. i don't even wanna think about it. but we all need to go on w/ our lives and do what makes us happy. one of myother close friends, is gonna be engaged soon. i know it. we all know it. she's been w/ her bf for so long. he's a cool guy. i envy their relationship and wish i had something like that. bc its really rare. and they've been 2gether for so long. u dont see that everyday anymore. today everyone rushes things. u see people getting married after knowing each other for a few months or a year. & how long does that really last? so 2 see my friend be w/ her bf for 7 yrs is amazing. i hope i find something like that one day. i can't believe she's gonna get married though. another step in life. another close friend of mine i found out recently is having a baby. i just pray for her that she has a healthy baby, and that she's happy. then i have one friend that i've been friends with for what seems like forever. she told me that soon, her bf will be moving here for her. they've been together for a really long time too. 1 of my other friends is moving away. her, her fiance, and baby can't afford 2 live here anymore so they're moving to stay w/ his family for a while. if u read my blog, u see where i'm going w/ all of this. everyone has kids, getting married, taking the next step. and i feel like im just stuck. for the longest time, i think, maybe a few months. i think i was doing good.i had work and school to keep me busy. its a good & bad thing bc it takes my mind off of everything else. i dont really have time to think about everything else going on. i dont have time to worry. im too busy w/ work & school. it pretty much takes over my life. i'm afraid of all these changes, i'm more afraid of growing up even more i guess. i feel kind of alone. and when i really think about it, we all just have ourselves to depend on. don't depend on your parents, or your bf or gf. you're the one living ur life. what would u do if u & ur bf broke up? or u moved away from ur family, ur on ur own. u do things for urself not for other people. honestly, i haven't been completely happy in a long time. i haven't found the answer to that yet. i've been feeling empty lately. i feel alone. but i know this moment will pass. i think that i really have changed a lot. and im starting to learn to be even more independent than i was, and really trying hard 2 be a stronger individual. focusing in school is really important right now. thats all i can say about this right now. peace out & god bless.