i don't really have a lot of time to write since i need to start getting ready for my sister's big bday bash tonight soon. i've been wanting to write for a while now but my computer's been down due to an awesome virus. too much porn i guess. justtttt kidddingggg! haha. so i named this entry "the mask" because that's how i've been feeling recently. like i put on a mask everyday. mainly because when i wake up every morning all i feel is emptiness. maybe it's because i've been living by myself, but at the same time it's been a while since i've really been w/ someone. and i guess i really miss that connection. i hang out w/ friends and all i ever hear about is about their relationships. their boyfriends. it sucks being the only one having to go to functions alone. the whole situation is a good and bad thing. good because not having a boyfriend means i get to concentrate in school. last semester, there were no boys equals no drama, and i did so well in school. honestly, i dont remember ever doing that well in college. the bad part, feeling the empty feeling everyday. so i put on the mask everyday. i smile and listen to people's problems, i dont tell anyone how i feel. what's the point? so they can feel sorry for me? i've been having these dreams lately about my ex of 4 years. i feel like it's just killing me slowly. it really makes me angry because i've been having them so constantly that i haven't been able to sleep well and it makes me angry because i dont think the guy even deserves that much from me. i get mad at myself for even thinking about him. there are times when he doesn't come to mind for so long. then there are times where i think about him every now and then and i don't know why. maybe a part of me misses him. and i think maybe i always will since he was my first love. what bothers me the most is all the dreams i keep having that all end the same way. we're together, but it's not a happy relationship. it's like we're together but we're not happy, we're just settling. he's not the same person and he doesn't make me happy in the dream, and i just can't let go of him because he's the one. it all ends the same way. us being together. me being unhappy. in reality, the more and more i think about the past and that relationship, and as time goes by, the more surreal it feels. i wonder sometimes, did that really happen? i was so young. i hope that i never see him again. i don't know how i would handle it. which is why i'm very glad we live in different states.
other then my mask ,and this empty feeling eating away at me everyday... my life is not very interesting anymore. it never is when guys aren't involved. anyway, school starts next week and i'm already not looking forward to it. it's already not looking good. well first i found out that i got placed on financial aid probation. even though i did really well last semester, i think they put me on it because i dropped a few classes last semester. so basically i have to pass all my classes this semester, and not drop anything or i won't get any financial aid. talk about a lot of pressure. i don't think i've ever gone a semester w/o dropping a class. i guess this should be my motivation too to not give up. on top of that, i get an email that says i got dropped from one of my classes. great. which means i might not graduate this year and it might put me behind another semester. crap like this that makes me not want to continue this journey anymore. but i don't have a choice. and i can't disappoint my family. it's just not an option. i have a lot more to talk about but i don't really have time. time to get ready and put on that mask again.
happy 22nd birthday to my little sister today. i love u julie.
ps. mr. gorgeous, who i'm madly in love with, left me a comment on fb the other day. it wasn't anything huge at all, but it made my day like crazy. goodness. people think i'm crazy for obsessing over this guy. but he's literally amazing. =)
