Indecisve

i've been thinking a lot about what i really want when it comes to relationships. i thought that this whole time i knew what i wanted but now i'm starting to wonder. Maybe i really don't know. for the longest time i knew what i wanted. which was a relationship. i think a huge part of me was just so lonely and tired of being alone. not to mention seeing all my friends in relationships kinda made me jealous. i just wanna be happy too. but recently after "dating" i really don't know. i dont think i've ever been this indecisive about it before. i thought about it a lot actually, and itz been two years since ive been in a relationship. so ive been single ever since. and i was thinking maybe god is doing me a favor. whenever i was dating anyone itz just so stressful or drama. especially during school. u get in a fight w/ them, and thatz all u think about, itz hard to focus on anything else. so maybe this is a good thing. i wont have anything to worry about, no getting hurt, and i can just concentrate in school. or maybe for once, i just need to stop looking and just let it happen naturally. i think when i was younger i used to like dating. but now not so much anymore. sometimes i really wish i could just skip the whole thing. i dont like first dates at all. i think they're so nerve wrecking.and i really don't believe im any good at it. now that i think about it, my relationship w/ my ex, we talked for 5 months, and became a couple before we even had our first date. and lately for the first time in my life i think i actually like school. im enjoying it. and i actually have been paying attention. surprisingly. ive never even taken this many classes before. but then again itz only the 2nd week of school. i was super nervous the first day of class for some reason. i felt like it was my first day of school all over again. but anyway, i think this is the first time in my life where i actually don't feel lonely. i do sometimes, but not as much as i used to. and not depressed all tha time either. im not neccessarily happy, and i dont think i will be for a long time. but ill live. i get lonely sometimes when im by myself, or i heard about everyone else's relationships but im a survivor. anyway, itz gettin late. itz weird how i usually have so much on my mind and theres so many things i wanna talk about, but when it comes down to write it i cant get it out. anyway, peace out & god bless.

A Lot

so it seems like i always have a lot on my mind but i just always seem to have trouble gettin it down on paper. ever since i was a kid i always had a journal. and i always wrote in it. actually, i still have one. lol. but i just dont have time to write in it as often. so i write in it like maybe once every 6 months. so they're some long ass entries. i guess that's what this blogger's for. for my thoughts. mr. gorgeous aka truth tweeted this quote that really made me think & sounds like me.. Which is why I write when i dont feel like writing, because I might find out shit about myself that I never, ever, knew. -Reg E. Gaines definitely a good one. so anyway, this whole week i haven't been feeling that great. it started out w/ my throat hurting. then all of a sudden i kept feeling like i had a huge cut on my tongue in the back. and it hurt and burns so badly. like i can't even eat cuz it hurts so bad. it even hurts when i talk. so i havent really eaten much at all for this whole week now. it sucks so bad. if u know me, u know that i get sick. a lot. sucks even more that i dont have health insurance. a person like me definitely needs that. so my mom calls me this week and told me that she's getting me health insurance. thank god. if u also don't know, my mom's really good at reading about ur future and ur palm. she's pretty accurate that it's scary. when she read my palm she told me that it's changed a lot since i was a kid. i told her the whole situation about school. i really didn't want 2 because i hate more than anything having her worry about me. i told her i might not finish for another 3 yrs. but when she read my palm she said that i will finish. and i know i will. i have to. she also said that i go through so many break ups before i get married. awesome right.& she says that im always worried. she thinks im always worried about money. but thatz not even half of it. i didnt tell her why. so then she reads my cards. and this is tha scary part. so she tells me theres this one guy, that likes me, & he lives really far away that likes me. she described him just the way he looks, and said that, but, theres another girl in tha picture. i was like wtf. cuz there is a guy im talking to that lives far away but i never told her about him. then she said theres another guy that likes me a lot. and he lives here. but i dont like him. lmao. oh man. sounds familiar. then she told me that i have so many guys chasing me yet, why am i still single? itz a lot more complicated than that mom. there might be a lot of guys chasing me, but that doesn't mean they're all good. i'd rather be single then be w/ a guy that i know is just messing w/ my heart & playing w/ my emotions. y would i want 2 put myself through that? in my mom's point of view and my grandma's they always think that u need a man in ur life to support u. but i dont see it that way. every time i see them they always ask me if i have a bf yet. but i dont care about that stuff. i dont need a guy to support me. i can take care of myself. i dont want to depend on anyone. it really made me think a lot. she also said that i still miss some1. i know who's she's talking about..i dont think that will ever go away but i've learned to dealt w/ it. dont get me wrong, i do get lonely sometimes. and itz a little harder when i see how happy all my friends are w/ their boyfriends. a part of me is starting to lose faith in love and doesn't really believe that it exists anymore. i dont really know what it is anymore. but im not really in a rush anymore. and i shouldnt have to look. i just need 2 concentrate on more important things. like school. anyway, i gotta cut this short. back 2 work. peace out, and god bless.

so lately...

ok so i guess a lot has been going on lately. ok not really. i just have a lot on my mind. i always do. but i haven't had time to blog yet. and i didn't really want to yet until i actually finished customizing my page. but anyway, ive been working a lot lately. my typical day consists of work and the gym. that's pretty much it monday-friday. however i haven't gone 2 the gym now for 2 weeks. so i really need 2 start getting back on track next week. because when school starts its going to be so hectic that i know i wont have time for a lot of things. im kinda nervous about school starting. i always i am. just because i don't know how hard my classes are going to be and if i can handle them. my schedule is still not complete yet because i've bee putting off taking my placement test to see what math i'll be placed in. i'm horrible at math. you'd think i should be good since i'm azn. lol. but no. i always struggled with it. work has been ok lately. ive been working long hours so i can save up because i can't work as much when school starts. its been pretty busy at work lately. it keeps me busy which i'm glad. otherwise my mind would be somewhere else. and i would just end up worrying all tha time. my family's doing ok. my sister's getting big. i think she's hittin close to 8 months. we work 2gether, & everytime i see her i still get shocked. like i dont believe that this is really happening. last time i really felt my nephew kick i shed a few tears. so i have no idea what it'll be like when he actually arrives. which i'm super excited about. her babyshower is coming up, which i'm helping her host. i'm still indecisive about what to get her. my mom's been struggling a lot lately. well my grandma is finally home from rehab, but her ankle is not completely healed yet. so she's still struggling to walk. so my mom stays home w/ her. but to top it off, a few weeks ago, my mom's head starting hurting, and she found out that her nerves were damaged. so now she can't go back 2 work. its adding stress to me, bc she's asking me for money now. since she can't go back 2 work.i told her that when i get my fin. aid i would help her out. but she's depending so much on my sister & me to take care of everything for her. she told me to take out as many loans as i can, pay my bills, pay off my car, and give her the rest so she can pay off her house. first off,i only have enough 2 pay off my bills, not even enough 2 pay my car. i love her, and i would help her out in any way i can. but it irritates me that she's depending on me. i'm not responsible for her bills. she's an adult. she needs to figure out what to do, not ask her children to solve her problems for her. so on monday me & tha roomie actually went out. i know, shocker huh? we went 2 cream lounge & these fools would not leave us alone. 1st sum gay guy came up 2 me & was like "omg, i was gonna wear that exact same outfit" lmao. i think he was by himself. i actually really like cream lounge. i know tha bartender that works there. and i really like their music. but itz so dam small. we went 2 crown room after that. it was our 1st time there. man, their long islands will kill u. i got buzzed off of 1. i was done after that. my roomie got fucked up. sum other fools started talkin 2 us too. these guys were sum cheap bastards, they kept talkin bout drinks, yet they wouldn't buy us any. so we kinda walked away. then sum other fools came up 2 us. these fools wouldn't stop buying us drinks. so these 2 scrubs told us that they were from out of town, & they came here for vacation. why tha hell would u come 2 az for a vacation. they must really like hot weather. so 1 of tha scrubs told me hes from tha bay so i told him i lived in daly city for 3 yrs. & hes like oh really, i heard that girls there go down on guys. r u fuckin kidding me? THATS how u get girls? nice. i made v chug tha last long island i got her, & we got tha fuck outta there. i felt hella bad cuz she couldn't keep tha alcohol down @ all. lol. fun times. well i'm glad itz friday but i feel like tha week just flys by. next thing it'll be time for school again. anyway, i got a lot more 2 say, but i gotta start gettin readyfor tha bday party soon. i'll try 2 blog sometime this weekend after i fix tha page. i'm slowly fixing my myspace too. itz been a while. peace out folks. god bless.

new...

so ive been on this website since june. i posted a few blogs before. but i deleted them all. i think this website is so confusing. it took me an hour jus to figure out how to add people, delete posts, etc. & now im in the process of learning how 2 customize my page so bare w/ me. im jealous that everyones page is all pimped out and stuff. i wish i was more literate when it came to this html stuff. im slowly learning. ive been on this website for tha past few hrs trying 2 figure everything out instead of "working". it frustrates me when i cant figure something out. this website really reminds me of xanga. i think i still have an account on there too. this is like an udpated version. i used 2 be so addicted 2 myspace when i first started it.i was always fixing my page all tha time. ever since twitter came out ive been all about that. so my myspace page is a hot mess right now. im slowly re doing the whole thing, adding and deleting stuff. so itz a complete mess. i dont really know if i like my blog being on public. because i tend to jus write whatever's on my mind. i dont think i even know how 2 set it to private. anyway i need 2 catch up on my ish. so ill be posting more after work today. have so much 2 do today..