fear

so lately. i'm not sure why but i've been feeling scared a lot. i think all the stress is really starting to get to me. im mostly scared of school. im doing well in a majority of my classes. i think im actually getting straight B's. for once. except for my stupid legal ethics class. which im pretty much failing. its a tough decision. because i can retake it, but it'll put me behind for the millionth time. but if i stay in it and fail, there goes my gpa along with retaking the class. i failed a class once and had to do a petition for it and they still haven't approved it. which put me a semester behind. im really worried. because after this semester i still need over 30 units left before i can graduate. im so frustrated and upset that it's taking me so dam long. i want to give up. a part of me really doesn't want to do it anymore.i hate school. but i don't really have the option of quitting.i would disappoint so many people. especially my mom. ive gotten so far so why give up now. and i keep having to tell myself that no matter how much i dont want to do this anymore. she's the reason i'm living and she's done so much for me already it's time for me to do the same for her. i can't stand to see her struggle anymore. or my sister. and i'm going to do whatever it takes to help them. i dont want my kids one day, if i ever have any to go through what i had to go through. i would want them to have everything. at the end of the day i always think, what would mr. gorgeous do. yes, how lame does that sound. but this guy that ive had a crush on for the past year now, that has no idea that i even exist is such an inspiration and he doesnt even know it. he's probably the most hard working person i know. he's so dedicated to being successful one day that he works so hard and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that possible. that's a plus in my book. its amazing how shy i can be, even over the internet. he'll post something that i like on his page, and i'll even be too shy to reply back. u no idea how many times i've written something then deleted it cuz i was too shy to post it. he's gorgeous. i dont even have a shot against these cali girls. anyway, im so busy with work and school during the week, that a majority of the time i dont even know what day it is. the weekends i spend it running errands. i wish that i could just concentrate in school. ive been feeling really tired lately. everyday actually. im not sure if its because ive been stressed and working myself like crazy so im just wearing myself out maybe? who knows. its also a good thing though, because it keeps me busy, which means i have less time to worry. nobody knows this, but every night before i go to bed i pray to god. for my family and friends. i really care more about them then myself. they're the reason im living. i pray and thank god for protecting them. i thank god for blessing me and my family and friends. and every night i ask for forgiveness. why? because im not perfect. im sure i make mistakes everyday. i just want forgiveness for my sins. i wish i was closer to my mom or grandma. but im not. and we just dont have that type of relationship. i wish that we could build that type of relationship. but we can't. she doesn't listen. and i can't change her. so it's gotten a little bit easier w/o my roommate and her daughter. probably because i'm never home anyways and im always busy. but when i am home, i miss them. i talked to sadie today and it made me wanna cry. i told her i missed her and loved her. u get used 2 seeing someone everyday. and its hard when they leave. so the other day i was on my ex's myspace. please dont ask me why i was. i dont know why. im a fool. and his relationship status says single. weird. because its always said in a relationship. hes been with tha same girl for the past 2 yrs now i think. it made me think. but hes still got all their pics up. yet on his twitter i seen pics of him w/ a different girl. who knows. it hurts to look, but i do it anyway. dont really know why. 3 yrs later, and sometimes it still hurts to think about how we ended things, or what we had. so i try not to. which is why i keep myself busy. so i dont have think about bs crap like that. deep down, i really hope he's happy. its hard for me to really hate anyone. even if they've done me wrong. its just, i want to be happy too. i really cant remember the last time i was. all that love, happiness stuff doesnt really exist to me anymore. life kinda seems incomplete w/o it at times. i can have my ways with guys if i wanted to. i can have fun if i wanted to, but how fulfilling would that be? i would just be filling a void temporarily. deep down i'd still feel alone. i dont remember the last time i felt this alone. i know i have my friends and family. i can see them anytime if i wanted. just to have that company. because i know they'll always be there for me til the end. but if u really think about it, deep down, we're all alone. u see couples who have been together for a lifetime, 20, 30, 4o yrs and still get divorced. what does that tell u. and u become dependent on that person, u break up, and ur left w/ nothing. ive been down that road. which has taught me to become more independent. which is why i disagree a lot about the whole cohabiting thing w/ a guy. ive already done it. i cant do it again. i need my own space. i wouldn't get anything done. i want him to have his own life. and my own life. doesn't mean that we can't make time for us. but u need ur own lives, ur own friends, so if something happens ur not left w/ nothing. u gotta look out for urself in the end. but what do i know, ive only been in one serious relationship my whole life, and dated a million losers. i wouldn't be surprised if i ended up alone and adopting a kid. we'll see where life takes me.whatever it is, i'm ready for it.

sad

i need to get up @ 5:45 am tomorrow so i'm gonna make this a short one. i've been sitting here looking at my book for the last hour and haven't gotten anything done. i'm horrible at studying. i dont know how people go 2 the library for hours and just sit there and read a boring book about chemistry or something. its hard for me to focus especially on something that i don't enjoy. but shit needs 2 get done. so tonight is my first night w/o my roommate and her daughter. and its hard. good news?i went the whole day without crying. lol. yesterday was so hard for me. i really wanna cry just thinking about it. no matter how much i drown myself in my work and school, deep down if something's bothering me, at the end of the day it hits me when i have any free time to actually think about it. so my bff's family had her going away party for her yesterday. u guys know me. i'm not very sociable. lol. never have been. im pretty quiet, and shy, the loner girl. plus all i could think about was them leaving today. at the end of the night, vp tells me that sadie's not coming home w/ me and she's staying w/ her sister that night so vp can clean the apt and her room. so basically i had 2 say bye 2 sadie in front of her entire family and everyone saw me cry my dam eyes out. how embarrassing. i told her how much i love her and that i'm gonna miss her. its sad, because she's so young and she has no idea she's not gonna see any of us for a while. she's like, susan, why are u crying. i told her, because i'm not going to see u anymore. she said, why? i said, because ur moving to new mexico. i couldn't stop crying. cried on the way home. cried before going to bed, crying now. ugh. it hit me hard because they're basically family. its one thing to be best friends for 10 yrs, then to live together for the past year and half. u grow even closer. saying bye to my best friend this morning was hard. there was a million things i had to say to her. and when it came down to it, all i said was, im gonna miss u guys. and don't become a stranger. and i told her i'll most likely become an alcoholic. surprisingly i didn't cry. i remember when i was at her party last night, every1 made me feel so much worse. every other person was asking me, "so whats going to happen to u now" what are u gonna do? i feel like we were the kids in superbad. whats going to happen to u guys? is this the end? what the hell people. i really dont think me and veronica were gonna live together for the rest of our lives.lol. i very much dislike goodbyes. i really wanted 2 stay late at work today cuz i really didn't wanna come home to an empty apt. there's nothing in my living room besides my tv and dining room table. i walked into her room and it was so empty. sad. its too quiet in here. i miss sadie so much.i really wonder what my friend is thinking. i wonder if she's sad? you'd think i'd know how shes feeling after knowing her for 10 yrs. but she's unpredictable. i need 2 get a puppy..