different

so this guy wrote me a message. actually it was more like an essay. im definitely not responding, but i didn't even know how to take it..


how r u doin today....first of all before i get to the purpose of this message id like to give u this BLUE ROSE...a lot of people dont understand the mean'n of roses. im give'n u a blue rose for the simple fact of what it stands for and represents. a blue rose represents miracles and new possiblities. now on my message....by the way my name is j....short for jonathan...i look at life and its situations like this....basically i see it as two paths...One is long and difficult...The other short and simple. Which would you take? If u dare to take the long and difficult path..congrats you made the right decision. You will now grow stronger and be rewarded with Love and Happiness once u reach the end. Now if u dare take the short and simple path...Beware....U achieve Love and Happiness right away but I could be a DOG and you will grow weak and question if what you are reading is real in the end.and just to clearify something im not a dog just a figure of speech. Id prefer to take the and difficult path with u though and take time out to get to know u...to know and learn the simple things about as well as the complex and difficult side to u or things about u. I wasnt born a adults, We all have to grow right! Hearts are not made with love in them...Love grows into our hearts,and im not saying i feel that way just from reading your page and looking at your profile pic. Yes, I am real And have the look as well to go along with the personaity. I'm in to r&b, soul well actually ill listen to anything. I'm a U.S Marine and yes im down for fighting for our freedom each and evryday,i enjoy the simple things in life as well and im a very easy goin person. at time complicated but who isnt?...im a 26 yr old male originally from GA Well thats a lil about me and like i said before I would love to get to know you.Well get at me" I PREFER A UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH OVER A COMFORTABLE LIE.......THAT'S WHAT I CONSIDER KEEPING IT REAL AND TRUE"! ok now back to the blue rose....miracle or new possibilities...im hope'n for that miracale or new possibility with you well thats if we get that far or get to that level. but hey u never know. so yea this is all i have to say for now and i hope to hear back from u....j

any input u guys? crazy huh?

feelings...

its amazing how much i have on my mind and how many feelings im feeling all at the same time when im drinking. lol. as bad as that sounds. a lot of people say that the truth comes out when ur drunk. i believe that. i do believe that at moments when im drunk or buzzed i might be a bit more honest. i might put my guard down for a moment and be more outgoing and let things out that i normally wouldn't. a lot of things have been going on lately. i've been feeling a lot things lately. today was one of my days off. it was a really busy day for me though. one part of my head i was focused on getting things done, sum "errands". the other part of my head was thinking about other stuff that's been going on recently. me and my roommate spent most of the day cleaning our place and redecorating it. and i have to say it looks really good now. im satisifed. at least more than before. i cant wait to start decorating the inside for xmas. aka my favorite holiday. anyway, its really amazing how much i can think about in a day. ok so for 1 & a half months pretty much i've been "dating" this guy. yes i'll put that out in the open. i wont put too much details into it though. lets just say that last weeek, we had the "talk" about where it was going, and what we wanted. these r his exact words, i like u, i want u to be my girl, and i want to be ur man, i want u to introduce me as ur man. so it was "established" as official. a few days later he starts being shady, i stop hear him saying things to me like, baby i miss u, i want to see u, i cant wait to see u, blah blah blah. today, was the first day he didnt "reply" to me, or i didnt hear from him all day. if u ask me why the sudden 360? i dont think i'm sure i'd be able to give u a straight answer. heres my input on it. hes the first guy in a long time, that i could actually see myself being serious with. and that means a lot. because i've dated a lot since i've been single. its been 2 yrs since ive been in a serious relationship. it'll be 3 next year. and within those 2 yrs i havent found anyone thats really been worth my time. no one that took me seriously, that i can as well take seriously. so wats the point. so this was the first guy. am i sad? honestly, i dont feel sad. im giving it one more day. to see if i hear from him. after that. im done. surprisingly, the old susan, at this point, would be emotional, sad, and calling all her friends maybe crying wondering what went wrong. or where it went wrong. however, i dont have those feelings. i dont feel sad. i dont feel like crying. i think i cried more when i watched new moon. lol. i feel more disappointed. let down. because hes the first guy i could see myself being serious with. so u would think i would be more upset about it. i mentioned in an older blog, that im busy a lot. so maybe thats part of the reason why im not exactly sad. i dont exactly have time. i was busy the whole day today. even though in the back of my mind i still thought about him and the whole thing. i thought about how i felt, i thought about what i would say or do if i did hear from him. should i play it cool? should i tell him how i feel? how will he know im upset if i dont tell him? another "excuse" it could be, is that he's busy. he doesn't work a normal 8-5 job. so ive been trying to be understanding. but to a certain limit. no one is so busy 24 hours a day, that they cant even pick up a phone to say hi or send me a text to see if im feeling better since im sick. when i finally do hear from him, wat does he say? " y havent i heard from u all day"? r u kidding me? since when is it the girl's job to kit w/ guys? thats ur excuse? its because i didnt call u? im starting to think about how i really felt about him, since i'm not even sad about the whole thing. which shouldnt i be? if hes someone i wanted to be serious with? but once again, how can i take some1 seriously, who doesnt take me seriously? am i wrong here? maybe we were moving too fast. maybe he got scared off. but if thats the case, be a man about it, tell me then. be honest for once. tell the truth. apparently a part of me does care otherwise i wouldnt be talking about this, or thinking about it so much. i put on this strong face, so that nobody will know what's underneath and what im really feeling. maybe im being contradictive. all i know is i feel very disappointed, yet not sad. & in 2 days... its delete..

Regret

Regret. I think that’s another word that I think is pretty powerful. It’s weird because I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Its been coming across my mind a lot lately. I don’t really know why, because I’m one of those people who don’t have any regrets. I don’t really believe in it. I believe that at that moment that it happened, it was exactly what you wanted. You could’ve prevented it from happening rather then “regretting” it later on. I can say though that I’ve made a lot of mistakes, which I’ve learned from. I’ve dated a lot of guys who were losers, or ones that tried to use me. And I tried to stop it before it led to anything else. Because I’m not that type of girl. However there have been times where I fell victim of temptation because I liked the guy so much. I knew he would hurt me somehow yet I chose to go down that path anyways and ended up paying for it later. Does that mean I regret it? No. I don’t. I learned from it. But then I think its difficult when u have children. U don’t want ur kids to make the same mistakes as u did, but then how will they learn? U can tell them the right thing to do, but in the end they’re still going to do what they want to do. The point im trying to make is that we all do things that later on, we look back on and we second guess it or wonder if it was the right thing. No regrets though. It’s in the past already. It already happened, so why not let it be? I think I can say that in the past 25 years I’ve done a lot of stupid things. But I don’t regret anything. It was an experience. And that’s what life is.

opportunities

i should really be getting sum rest. but i've been on a roll writing these blogs. and i have mr. gorgeous to thank for that. he really is an inspiration. people always say that i seem interesting when they read my profile. u should see his. its amazing. and everytime i read his blogs it always makes me think. hes my "celebrity crush" lol. anyway, i read this blog and saw this video that he posted and it really made me think. i'm thinking about coppin the video he posted cuz its so amazing. anyway, he talks about missed opportunities. and that really made me think a lot. especially watching the video as well. anyway, people really don't realize how short life is. i think about it everyday. yet sometimes i wish that i would really take more risks. be less picky. i could not wake up tomorrow, or i could get hit by a bus, or get into an accident and not be here tomorrow. (knocks on wood). im jus sayin. that life is short. it seems like it goes by so quickly. when i think about it i cant believe 25 years have already passed by. so how much more quickly is another 25 years going to pass by? how many opportunities have i missed? we all dont take enough risks or chances in our lifetime. but why not? what do u have to lose. i've never been the type of girl to go up to a guy and just start talking to him. i dont think im bold enough to do that. i dont think i ever will be. even drunk loud susan wouldnt do it. but then that makes me think about how many opportunities i've missed. when i see a really cute guy i would never go up and talk to him. but i always encourage my friends to if they like someone. i tell them to take a chance, because most likely you'll never see that person again. i dont have a problem talking to someone that my friends like for them. i'll do it. yet when it comes to me, i just cant do it for myself. i think i'm scared of rejection. i guess guys do have it hard sometimes. but then this also comes to my other question. wat about when a guy asks me how i feel about him. i have a very hard time telling him. i have a hard time trusting people. especially guys. i always want to know how they feel about me, but when they ask me, i'm afraid to tell them. i always have my guard up. and i guess i dont want to tell them because i dont want to seem vulnerable. i don't want to lay it all out on the table. i want to keep them guessing. plus u should know already. if i didn't like u then i wouldnt be talking to u. so u must be doing something right. this guy... i want to ask him badly, how do u feel about me? where is this going? do u like me? do u even eventually want a serious relationship? but i think i'm afraid of scaring him off. but dont i deserve to get some answers after a month already? how about if something better comes along but i was too occupied w/ him and i missed out on something better. i'm not the type of girl to be juggling guys. if i like a guy, hes gonna be the one i'm talking to. thats it.

Happiness

Honestly, I don’t think that anyone in this world is ever completely happy. If they say they are I still think they’re lying and wouldn’t believe them. When was the last time I was completely happy? I don’t really remember. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness. Sometimes I feel like my life is incomplete and that something’s missing. A lot of you are probably thinking its probably because I’m single. And don’t have that special someone in my life. But I think that’s only part of it. I don’t think I’d say anymore that I’m unhappy. But I don’t think I’ll reach closer to that happiness until I succeed in reaching my goals. One of them is finishing school. I’ve become way more serious with this and have made it one of my top priorities. And that’s the way it should have been in the beginning. Y the sudden change? Because I’m not getting any younger. I don’t want to work at the same job for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to worry about money for the rest of my life. I don’t want to feel unsecure about that. I want to have my career. So that one day I can encourage my kids to do the same. if they want to give up I can say that I never did and I kept pushing even though I wanted to give up. But I didn’t. I want to say I worked hard to get where I am and that it definitely paid off. Why should we all settle for less? That’s what going to school is for. That’s why you need an education. Where are you going to go being a basketball player, or an actress, or rapper. What happens if you get injured playing, and can never play again, then what? What happens, if your career as an actress ends, then what? Having a degree means that you’ll always have a job. I admire everyone that goes to school. Because that means they want to do something with their life. Another thing is, I’ve given up a big part of the party life I used to have. I used to party so much, and ended up going to school part time, dropping all of my classes. And by the end of the semester I’d only be taking one class that I got a C in. if u do the math, and I keep going at it that way, how long would it take me to graduate? And at what cost? School’s not exactly cheap. That’s made me think a lot too. I don’t want to be in major debt by the time I graduate. I used to party Wednesday to Saturday til 7 or 8 in the morning. Ditch school or go to school with a hangover. I can’t do that anymore. not only was it killing my liver, but my body felt weak too. There’s more important things than partying all the time. You can do that any time. It’ll always be there. Another thing that might be why I’m not completely happy is because I haven’t exactly found anyone that “completes” me I guess u can say. As cheesy as that sounds. I guess I’m kind of picky. Everyone says I need to stop talking to these losers, or dating these losers. You guys act like I KNOW that they will be a loser. Its not like I’m going to ask them that. And know when I first meet em. But I haven’t found anyone that’s worth my time. They’ve all been the same type of guys. All after me for the same thing. And I don’t have time for that. Most of them play games and I don’t have time for that either. I never really understood that. Love isn’t a game. You either like the person or u don’t. its that simple. And if u like them, well then do something about it. Like I said in my last blog, I’m not exactly sure what I want anymore. after “dating” or should I say “hanging out” with this recent guy it makes me think of a lot of things. It’s a very hot and cold situation. Which is very frustrating to me. However its good and bad. Obviously I have some sort of feelings for the guy otherwise I wouldn’t care so much y he’s so cold sometimes. But then the other part, I’m so busy most of the time, that I don’t even have time to care. Which sounds really bad too. I cant win. What’s a girl to do. It’s a good and bad thing being single. U don’t have to stress about all the drama. No getting into arguments. And I can focus more in school and not have to be thinking about a guy the whole time. Yet, I miss it sometimes. I miss having someone there for me. And someone to talk to. It’s a lonely and incomplete feeling at times. But I’ve been learning slowly to be stronger emotionally. That was always a weak point.

Update

i've had this blogger forever and i still don't know how to use it. i need to figure out how 2 customize it the way i want it to look. anyway, latest feelings.. confused, stressed, overwhelmed, shocked, surprised, adored, fun, ecstatic, busy, indecisive, annoyed, etc. the list just keeps going and going. school's been stressful as usual. but it keeps me busy which is good. which means i don't worry about the other stuff. wait scratch that. now that i think about it, i still worry. about a lot of things actually. but that's just me. here's a list of things i need to get done asap
SOC-weekly hw due sunday & exam on the 16th
CIS-labs due sunday
ENG-rough draft work plan was due 2day
FAS-3 exams & a paper due by the 19th
FIN-exam was today

u see wat i have to deal with. i found out recently that i got an A on my exam that i took last week. it made my day. literally. i dont remember the last time i was that ecstatic. The first test i got a C. so i was so happy about this one. it was an amazing feeling. obviously if u havent noticed i dont get A's often. cuz if i did i would brag about it more. lol. I found out i got an A on this other discussion i did for another class, 2 B's on on two papers i recently did. so far so good right? i need to keep it up. i cant wait for this semester to end. i get a break for a month. although i'll be taking a winter class. anyway, during winter break i have exactly a month to get back into shape. im so unhappy with my body right now. i think i've been gaining weight but its in all the wrong places. gross. i need to tone it, and i wanna be fit like i used to be. i actually miss going to the gym 4 days a week. i never liked going. but it really does help me fight my stress & takes my mind off of a lot of things. its a big motivation when i work out. i recently deleted my facebook. r u guys shocked? lol. i just got so annoyed at it. everyone was making a huge deal out of it. when all it is is posting a status update and leaving comments and responses on people's status updates. u guys might as well just get a twitter. and all the dam application invites and everything was overwhelming and getting on my nerves. facebook is too much for me. too complicated. im devoted to myspace. i like it way more cuz its not as complicated, u can listen to music, and u can customize ur page the way u want it. and even write on it. a part of me even wants to delete my mypsace. i'm getting too old for this networking crap. i kinda wanna jus keep a blog and twitter. if u think about it, how much time do we spend online? A LOT! we could be out doing something way more productive. people say they keep it to keep in touch w/ their friends. u guys have my email AND phone number. call me.

so time for the good stuff. so theres this guy. of course there is right.. isnt there always. im not gonna put too many details cuz i dont know where its going. hes not from here. thank god. cuz i hate the whole every1 knows every1 crap here in az. ive actually been talkin 2 him for a while. surprisingly. usually we're done after like a week, or two dates or watever. i usually call it quits cuz they always try 2 get in my pants after the 1st date. anyway, hes different. do u guys know where i always want to go on a first date? wats the perfect first date in my eyes? going to the fair. guess where he took me on our first date? to my fav. restaurant and to the fair. actually we've gone twice since i've known him. and he also took me to the game last weekend. i'm not really sure how i feel about him yet. its hard. because its also complicated. anyway, i'm not sure if i can take him seriously yet, cuz i feel like he doesnt take me seriously. u would think, u'd know how u feel about someone or know where its going after a month. tell him that. like i said theres more behind it, but i just dont feel like sharing. then again, i could be a hypocrit, bc a part of me doesn't know what i want anymore. a part of me does want a relationship. but another part of me doesn't know anymore. i live a really busy life during the week, i'm up late doing homework, and im trying really hard this semester to stay focused. and the guy that i'm with needs to understand that. he needs to understand that school is one of my top priorities. which doesn't mean that i wont make time for the right guy. but he needs to be understanding too. i got a lot more to talk about but i only got 4hrs of sleep last nite thx to studying and hw. so peace out and god bless for now.