annoyed

i think fb needs an area so you can write blogs. like how myspace used to. i'm not sure if that's what that note area is for. major headline today. kim kardashian divorces her husband after 72 hours. this bs is getting on my dam nerves. i'm sick and tired of hearing it. every website that i try to go to, this is on the front page. yet no one is saying anything about the 5 yr old girl in glendale that's been missing for 3 weeks, or the 6.0 earthquake that happened in china, or the cop that got shot and killed in glendale this past weekend.. yet when it comes to the kardashian bitches, people study them like it's the bible. its ridiculous. we live in a sad society. it's hard to teach your children morals when you're out there idolizing the kardashians, or idiots like jersey shore. what makes it worst, is that they're making millions for being fucking idiots. my children would be banned from watching this garbage. on another note, i have to be out of my apartment in 30 days. i'm starting to pack slowly, and i started today. i got kinda sad, because i've had so many memories here. it's exciting moving to a new place, but sad to leave the old one behind. there's so much going on within the next few months. it's exciting but so scary at the same time. there's so much change. im moving in 30 days, and me and my sister are graduating in december. ive waited so long for this moment to come. it almost feels surreal. i'm almost afraid that something bad is going to happen that will prevent me from reaching graduation. but in reality, ive finished three of my classes in this semester with all A's. and am one class away from graduating. i currently have a B in the class with 2 assignments to go in it. it's been making me nervous because i've been doing horribly on the exams but amazing on everything else. i'm aiming for an A so i can get straight A's on my very last semester. i'm proud of myself for doing this well so far, because i've never done this well in school in my entire life. ever. i hope my family's proud of me. anyway, ive been thinking a lot about how hard it is to meet someone. i haven't really been with someone for so long. i honestly don't even know how i'd handle it anymore. ive been on my own for so long i'm so used to it. i have friends who see their boyfriends every single day and do almost everything with their boyfriend. and i dont know if i could do that. maybe i'm just not that type of girl. i definitely used to be. but now that i've been on my own for so long, i feel like i need my space. i dont think i could stand having a guy spend 24/7 with me. i would want him to have his own life, his own friends, and i would have my life, and my friends. and we would see each other every now and then. i feel that being consumed with someone so much, if it didn't work out in the end, you'll never learn to be on your own because you've always depended on the other person and lived their life the entire time you were together. i learned that the hard way. don't get me wrong, i'm a hopeless romantic. im the type of girl who would bring him soup when he's sick, or bring him lunch at work, or stock his fridge with his favorite beer, u know, all the cheesy stuff. but deep down, spending every waking moment with him when we're not married kinda freaks me out. today, it seems like people get married after being with someone for about a year. is a year the new thing now? that's the time frame? i probably have food in my pantry older than that. i don't understand what the rush is. this is why divorce is so high. no one wants to take their time getting to know each other first. maybe it's just me because i'm old school. it's the same when it comes to cohabiting. im so against that after what i've been through. i can't imagine myself ever doing that again. i would have to be engaged or something that i knew was heading towards marriage. i understand cohabiting so you can get to know the person and see what it's like living with them. but that's why u spend weekends with them, or a few days. not every single day. cohabiting leads to being comfortable with each other, and i feel that you lose that spark. u know, things that u used to do when u first started dating, like actually going on dates, or getting butterflies everytime he came to pick up for a date. maybe after studying sociology, all this stuff is actually starting to make sense. lol. im outta here.

2 months ago

i can't remember how i was feeling or what i was even doing two months ago around this time. probably the same thing i'm doing now. keeping myself pre occupied with work and school. drowning myself in both so i don't have to think about the obvious. which is how lonely have been for the past 9 months now. anyway, it's amazing how much can happen in the past 2 months. around the end of april i went to see my family back in PA. My cousin that i grew up with got married. it was amazing. it's just crazy seeing us both so grown up, her getting married. i can't believe how much time has passed by. it was pretty great seeing all my family again. made me realize how much i miss them. it's very unfortunate that we don't get to see each other often at all. the last time i saw them was maybe 6 or 7 years ago. i always wonder what my life would've been like if i never left there. I always looked up to my cousin. she was my best friend growing up. she's always been really smart and beautiful and now successful.

after i got back, the week after that my best friend came to visit. always a pleasure as usual. i'm so used to talking to her every day and seeing her everyday that i miss her all the time when she's not here. it's definitely not the same. we didn't really get to do much but as usual, i always cherish every time that i get to see her, since it's not often anymore. plus her daughter is a bundle of joy as usual. it's amazing how much she's grown already.

i think about two weeks after that it was her bday and this is so unlike her, but we planned a last minute trip to vegas. and it was pretty awesome. how can vegas not be awesome? =)

so anyway, summer school officially started. that's definitely been a drag. i'm taking this women and health class. and who knew it would be so much work. each week i basically i have about 10 chapters to read, 2 quizzes, a discussion to post, answer 2 discussions, and not to mention she makes us do projects every other week. i forgot how intense summer classes were. i think i only have about 2 and a half more weeks of the class. that's not even the only class i'm taking. i'm trying to stay positive, because i basically need 7 classes to graduate. i'm taking 4 this summer, so u do the math. i literally spend my weekends reading. isn't that entertaining. on another note, my mom sold her house. it was so quick that i don't think it actually hit any of us until the day before they had to move. and i had no idea how upset my mom was about selling it. she sold it because she couldn't handle the mortgage anymore. i never wanted her to sell it in the first place. it's been about 9 years. it was the first house she bought when we moved here. my mom isn't someone who gets emotional at all. until this. it broke my heart seeing how sad she was about it. and worst part is, i couldn't do anything about it. there's no way i could've helped her out w/ the mortgage without drowning in my own debt that i have to pay off. we've tried to stay positive because now's a chance for her to get a better house. the real estate market is insane right now. we've been looking at houses, and we've found some extremely beautiful homes, 3 bed rooms or 4 bedrooms for about 60-70k. if everything goes well hopefully in the next few weeks she'll find something. so recently i had a falling out with one of my home girls. it extremely upset me to a point where i really questioned our friendship. i'm not gonna put the whole situation out there, but let's say she used me in a really bad lie that she told her boyfriend. not only did she use me in the lie, but it was something that made me look extremely bad, and i'm not at all cool about lying to someone. especially something that i am quite against. to make matters worse, her bf texted me asking if what she told him was true. i couldn't even answer him. she's been apologizing like crazy. and i'm not sure what i want to do about yet. on one hand, i want to forgive and forget. because life is short. i might not be here tomorrow and i've been friends with her for about 9 years or so. on the other hand, she was never a friend that i could tell everything to. she's the type of person that's very self absorbed in herself, only talks about herself, doesn't listen and let's just say it's all about her. i've explained to her many times that friendship is a two way street. so i'm undecided now about what to do. anyway, work is going ok. extremely busy as usual. we've finalized the whole thing about merging with this new company. i'm not entirely happy about it. mainly because i've been with my company for about 3 years now. and now we're a new name, new owners, etc. although i'll still have the same boss. but i've been questioning a lot of things. i feel that i don't get paid enough for everything that i do. and i have to also think about my future. i can't get paid this same rate forever. especially when i graduate soon and i have my student loans to think about. but on the other hand, i've never loved a job as much as this one. i really enjoy. and i love working for my bosses. i'm just very unsure about this new company we've merged with. i don't feel secure and it scares me. my 2nd chapter is waiting for me to read... back to work..

best friend

so i was thinking about this whole concept recently about what or who a best friend really is. i'm sorry, but i think it's pretty much bull shit when guys or girls say "my boyfriend is my best friend" or "my girlfriend is my best friend". ur best friend is someone who's been there for you since the beginning, someone that u call when ur having a fight w/ ur boyfriend, someone that u call up for a girls night, someone that u go with to get ur nails done, someone that u go shopping with. these are things that u are supposed to be doing with ur best friend, NOT ur boyfriend. what happens if ur boyfriend cheated on u, or lied to u? is that really a best friend? a best friend wouldn't do that to u. i hear people say that they boyfriends are their best friends all the time. sorry but its annoying. get tha f outta here with that shit. in the end, ur friends are the ones who will always be there for u. i never would've gotten through any of my breakups without all of my close friends. i don't have a lot of friends. but i've been blessed with the few close ones that i have. thank god.

facebook

the dam thing drives me crazy. i swear, people revolve their whole entire lives around the dam thing. remember that thing called a life u used to have before facebook originated? yea go do something with that before time just passes right by you. and people wonder why kids turn out the way they do. because parents let them have a facebok at age 10, a cell phone at age 7, etc. back in my day, i didn't even get a cell phone until my senior year, i spent my days as a kid outside playing with my friends, going to their house and hanging out, walking to the corner store just to buy candy. seriously, people really get outta control with the dam thing. i dont need to know when you just checked into your house, or your mom's house, or your bathroom, or your work. are u kidding me? not to mention it's not even safe to have that shit on there. u really want strangers knowing where u live? where your parents live? where u work at? think people. i wont even post what city i live in or what my phone number is. then i have people posting about how bored they are all the time. seriously? i wish i could be bored. that's why they invented friends, malls, movies, museums, restaurants, hiking, hello... should i continue? whoever invented the hide posts button on fb was a genius. then i have the people who will text me and be like oh i'm so pissed off, ill reply back & say what happened. they'll say, did u see my facebook? nooooo.. and ur already texting me. i have to go to ur fb to see what happened? u can't just call and tell me? it annoys me even more when people accuse me of being a facebook whore. the whole thing started because my twitter account is linked to my fb account. everytime i post a tweet it gets posted on my fb too. so when i first started my twitter, i loved it. i used to tweet all the time. so people were always like, ur always on facebook. i'm tired of explaining myself. it annoys the hell out of me, it makes me not even wanna have a dam facebook anymore. i tell people i wanna delete my fb and they're like no! how will i get in touch with u. um, i do have something called a phone, and email, and skype this is 2011 people. find a way. if u dont see me on fb or don't see my account anymore. you'll know why.

overwhelmed

my head feels like it's about to explode. i've been so overwhelmed with everything that's been going on. i dont even know where to start. my homework is just sitting here waiting for me get started on it. but i'm procrastinating as usual. so first off, school. i changed my major once again. i've been majoring in business since the beginning of time. it's what i always wanted to do. but now, i'm so fed up with school, that i don't really care what i do anymore as long as i finish. that's the worst advice ever. so i changed it to sociology. the good news is, since i changed it i only need 18 units to graduate. which means i'll be done by the end of this year. i'm guessing i won't even use my degree once i'm done w/ school. the sad thing is, if i could do it all over i would. i fucked up big time, and spent thousands of dollars on something that i'll probably never use. all to just make my mom happy because she just wants to see her daughter graduate. and what's killing me is this math class that i'm in. it scares the shit out of me because my life is pretty much depending on this 1 math class that i'm barely passing on. i'm struggling so much with it and there's no way i can drop it. if i drop it and retake it during the fall then i'll end up having to take probably 6 classes in the fall. major overload if u add 40+ hours of work to that each week. to top it off, i have the worst teacher in the world. our tests are 60% of our grade, which is what's killing me. math is so time consuming. and harder when you're also taking 4 other classes. anyways, i'm praying that i pass. anyway, getting this close to graduation makes me thing about work. i love my job. i've been there for 3 years and i'm good at what i do. the downside of it is that i think i get majorly underpaid. the thing is, we go to school, get a degree, so that we can have a career and get a good job. i need a good steady job where i don't have to worry about my finances all the time. where i have sick leave, or vacation time, where i get paid salary. but then again, how many of us can say that we have a job that we really love. and that's the thing for me. i can go out there and find a better paying job w/ benefits. but will i enjoy my work? or will i just dread going to work everyday? work has been so stressful lately. they put a lot of pressure on me. i basically do everything around the office. i've been there the longest. and i love it. but when i think into the future, i wonder, where is this really going? its like, to be continued. on another note, this guy that i was really into back then, that i'm sure i talked about was here for a while. i was seriously afraid that we would jump back into what we had. but the storm has passed. and i'm glad. i guess we both have changed. i was watching sex and the city and this quote got stuck in my head. " in matters of the heart, is it better to follow your head or your heart" something like that. it's always smarter to follow your head. because it always tells you the right thing to do even if u dont wanna hear it. but then u always follow ur heart. because the heart wants what it wants. no matter how painful it might be. so this lonliness or emptiness, that i like to call it, hasn't gotten any better. the more i think about it, the more it eats away at me. its been almost 8 months since i've had any type of feelings for anyone. or felt any type of connection to anyone. also, i've been thinking a lot about how the only person that we really have to depend on is ourselves. in the end we're all on our own. and now i'm just rambling.this isn't even half the stuff i wanted to write about. but i'm running out of time. til next time..

the mask

i don't really have a lot of time to write since i need to start getting ready for my sister's big bday bash tonight soon. i've been wanting to write for a while now but my computer's been down due to an awesome virus. too much porn i guess. justtttt kidddingggg! haha. so i named this entry "the mask" because that's how i've been feeling recently. like i put on a mask everyday. mainly because when i wake up every morning all i feel is emptiness. maybe it's because i've been living by myself, but at the same time it's been a while since i've really been w/ someone. and i guess i really miss that connection. i hang out w/ friends and all i ever hear about is about their relationships. their boyfriends. it sucks being the only one having to go to functions alone. the whole situation is a good and bad thing. good because not having a boyfriend means i get to concentrate in school. last semester, there were no boys equals no drama, and i did so well in school. honestly, i dont remember ever doing that well in college. the bad part, feeling the empty feeling everyday. so i put on the mask everyday. i smile and listen to people's problems, i dont tell anyone how i feel. what's the point? so they can feel sorry for me? i've been having these dreams lately about my ex of 4 years. i feel like it's just killing me slowly. it really makes me angry because i've been having them so constantly that i haven't been able to sleep well and it makes me angry because i dont think the guy even deserves that much from me. i get mad at myself for even thinking about him. there are times when he doesn't come to mind for so long. then there are times where i think about him every now and then and i don't know why. maybe a part of me misses him. and i think maybe i always will since he was my first love. what bothers me the most is all the dreams i keep having that all end the same way. we're together, but it's not a happy relationship. it's like we're together but we're not happy, we're just settling. he's not the same person and he doesn't make me happy in the dream, and i just can't let go of him because he's the one. it all ends the same way. us being together. me being unhappy. in reality, the more and more i think about the past and that relationship, and as time goes by, the more surreal it feels. i wonder sometimes, did that really happen? i was so young. i hope that i never see him again. i don't know how i would handle it. which is why i'm very glad we live in different states.

other then my mask ,and this empty feeling eating away at me everyday... my life is not very interesting anymore. it never is when guys aren't involved. anyway, school starts next week and i'm already not looking forward to it. it's already not looking good. well first i found out that i got placed on financial aid probation. even though i did really well last semester, i think they put me on it because i dropped a few classes last semester. so basically i have to pass all my classes this semester, and not drop anything or i won't get any financial aid. talk about a lot of pressure. i don't think i've ever gone a semester w/o dropping a class. i guess this should be my motivation too to not give up. on top of that, i get an email that says i got dropped from one of my classes. great. which means i might not graduate this year and it might put me behind another semester. crap like this that makes me not want to continue this journey anymore. but i don't have a choice. and i can't disappoint my family. it's just not an option. i have a lot more to talk about but i don't really have time. time to get ready and put on that mask again.

happy 22nd birthday to my little sister today. i love u julie.



ps. mr. gorgeous, who i'm madly in love with, left me a comment on fb the other day. it wasn't anything huge at all, but it made my day like crazy. goodness. people think i'm crazy for obsessing over this guy. but he's literally amazing. =)