break..

guess what? its almost christmas! aka my favorite holiday. =) i think im only like half way done w/ my xmas shopping. i hate the malls around this time. especially on the weekends. anyway, so my winter break has officially started. yeaaaaa.. lol. well for now. my winter session class starts on dec. 29. so i guess i get a break for a few weeks. its weird because im so used to having homework due on tuesday, thursday & sunday nights. so its weird not being stressed for once. im trying 2 find a second job. maybe to do on friday & saturday nights. but i havent really found anything i liked yet. im kinda pscyhed cuz i finally get to start working out again. 4 days a week at least. and it starts on monday. for sure. im gaining weight in all the wrong places. and its gross. im also trying to plan a trip or something while im on break too. might as well take advantage of it. now would be a good time to have a bf in my life. i actually have time to do stuff. anyway, the last guy i was talking to. man, that was a mess. it was a hot & cold "relationship". "baby, i want u 2 introduce me as ur bf, baby i miss u all the time, baby i care about u, baby i want u 2 be my gf" blah blah blah. actions speak louder then words man. a part of me wanted a relationship, a part of me didnt know what i wanted. i felt like he was another waste of time. he continued 2 message me later, and i was like who is this? people, if i dont hear from u after a certain time, i delete u. its simple as that. seriously, what's the point of having someone's number that u dont even talk 2 anymore. anyway, i haven't been in a relationship in years. sometimes i miss it. sometimes i don't. moments like this i do miss it. because of christmas & seeing all my friends in relationships. makes me miss those moments of having someone. but hey, im not gonna get all emo, and cry about it. relationships are important 2 me. and im not the type of girl who would put my bf second. i see a lot of people take their relationships for granted. i see when couples fight about the little stuff. and its not worth it. i think about the past & how i used to do that. and its not worth it. y sweat the small stuff? life is so dam short. my mom & grandma think that getting married, having a boyfriend, or having kids is so important. they ask me everytime i come home whether or not i have a boyfriend yet. which is y i dont come home a lot. it annoys the hell out of me. if i had a bf dont u think i'd tell u? i dont have anything 2 hide. so my mom read my palm last week & was like ur gonna get married late. thank god. im not ready for that shit. marriage is the last thing on my mind. i wanna finish school 1st, have a good job. i think i'd want 2 be w/ the guys for at least 3 years or more before even discussing marriage. everyone wants to get married now and have kids. but i keep wondering, whats the rush? if u love him, and he loves u, then what's the rush? hes not going anywhere, and ur not going anywhere. dont u want to get 2 know each other? and the whole living 2gether thing before marriage too. ive already been through that. i dont think i could do it again. not until im married. im not saying the first time was a mistake. but i learned a lot from it. i need my own space. and i would want him to have his own space. its hard 4 me to get my stuff done when im w/ my bf 24/7. so let me have my space. then ill come see u after. whats wrong w/ that? but then again, i say all this now, but who knows what will happen once i actually get into a relationship. it might be different then. but thats just how i see it now. i dont wanna make the same mistakes again. and i definitely dont wanna rush into anything. every single guy ive talked to has all been the same. it makes me not even want to date anymore. im serious. i feel like its so much work and i just get the same results everytime. i get messages from guys all the time in my inbox. "ur so hot, ur so sexy, here's my number, im diff. from the rest of them, u can trust me" blah blah blah.. please....if u were me, u'd be tired of it too. this blog sucks. im usually better at writing then today. its weird, because when i actually have time 2 sit down and write, i cant get it all 2gether.

different

so this guy wrote me a message. actually it was more like an essay. im definitely not responding, but i didn't even know how to take it..


how r u doin today....first of all before i get to the purpose of this message id like to give u this BLUE ROSE...a lot of people dont understand the mean'n of roses. im give'n u a blue rose for the simple fact of what it stands for and represents. a blue rose represents miracles and new possiblities. now on my message....by the way my name is j....short for jonathan...i look at life and its situations like this....basically i see it as two paths...One is long and difficult...The other short and simple. Which would you take? If u dare to take the long and difficult path..congrats you made the right decision. You will now grow stronger and be rewarded with Love and Happiness once u reach the end. Now if u dare take the short and simple path...Beware....U achieve Love and Happiness right away but I could be a DOG and you will grow weak and question if what you are reading is real in the end.and just to clearify something im not a dog just a figure of speech. Id prefer to take the and difficult path with u though and take time out to get to know u...to know and learn the simple things about as well as the complex and difficult side to u or things about u. I wasnt born a adults, We all have to grow right! Hearts are not made with love in them...Love grows into our hearts,and im not saying i feel that way just from reading your page and looking at your profile pic. Yes, I am real And have the look as well to go along with the personaity. I'm in to r&b, soul well actually ill listen to anything. I'm a U.S Marine and yes im down for fighting for our freedom each and evryday,i enjoy the simple things in life as well and im a very easy goin person. at time complicated but who isnt?...im a 26 yr old male originally from GA Well thats a lil about me and like i said before I would love to get to know you.Well get at me" I PREFER A UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH OVER A COMFORTABLE LIE.......THAT'S WHAT I CONSIDER KEEPING IT REAL AND TRUE"! ok now back to the blue rose....miracle or new possibilities...im hope'n for that miracale or new possibility with you well thats if we get that far or get to that level. but hey u never know. so yea this is all i have to say for now and i hope to hear back from u....j

any input u guys? crazy huh?

feelings...

its amazing how much i have on my mind and how many feelings im feeling all at the same time when im drinking. lol. as bad as that sounds. a lot of people say that the truth comes out when ur drunk. i believe that. i do believe that at moments when im drunk or buzzed i might be a bit more honest. i might put my guard down for a moment and be more outgoing and let things out that i normally wouldn't. a lot of things have been going on lately. i've been feeling a lot things lately. today was one of my days off. it was a really busy day for me though. one part of my head i was focused on getting things done, sum "errands". the other part of my head was thinking about other stuff that's been going on recently. me and my roommate spent most of the day cleaning our place and redecorating it. and i have to say it looks really good now. im satisifed. at least more than before. i cant wait to start decorating the inside for xmas. aka my favorite holiday. anyway, its really amazing how much i can think about in a day. ok so for 1 & a half months pretty much i've been "dating" this guy. yes i'll put that out in the open. i wont put too much details into it though. lets just say that last weeek, we had the "talk" about where it was going, and what we wanted. these r his exact words, i like u, i want u to be my girl, and i want to be ur man, i want u to introduce me as ur man. so it was "established" as official. a few days later he starts being shady, i stop hear him saying things to me like, baby i miss u, i want to see u, i cant wait to see u, blah blah blah. today, was the first day he didnt "reply" to me, or i didnt hear from him all day. if u ask me why the sudden 360? i dont think i'm sure i'd be able to give u a straight answer. heres my input on it. hes the first guy in a long time, that i could actually see myself being serious with. and that means a lot. because i've dated a lot since i've been single. its been 2 yrs since ive been in a serious relationship. it'll be 3 next year. and within those 2 yrs i havent found anyone thats really been worth my time. no one that took me seriously, that i can as well take seriously. so wats the point. so this was the first guy. am i sad? honestly, i dont feel sad. im giving it one more day. to see if i hear from him. after that. im done. surprisingly, the old susan, at this point, would be emotional, sad, and calling all her friends maybe crying wondering what went wrong. or where it went wrong. however, i dont have those feelings. i dont feel sad. i dont feel like crying. i think i cried more when i watched new moon. lol. i feel more disappointed. let down. because hes the first guy i could see myself being serious with. so u would think i would be more upset about it. i mentioned in an older blog, that im busy a lot. so maybe thats part of the reason why im not exactly sad. i dont exactly have time. i was busy the whole day today. even though in the back of my mind i still thought about him and the whole thing. i thought about how i felt, i thought about what i would say or do if i did hear from him. should i play it cool? should i tell him how i feel? how will he know im upset if i dont tell him? another "excuse" it could be, is that he's busy. he doesn't work a normal 8-5 job. so ive been trying to be understanding. but to a certain limit. no one is so busy 24 hours a day, that they cant even pick up a phone to say hi or send me a text to see if im feeling better since im sick. when i finally do hear from him, wat does he say? " y havent i heard from u all day"? r u kidding me? since when is it the girl's job to kit w/ guys? thats ur excuse? its because i didnt call u? im starting to think about how i really felt about him, since i'm not even sad about the whole thing. which shouldnt i be? if hes someone i wanted to be serious with? but once again, how can i take some1 seriously, who doesnt take me seriously? am i wrong here? maybe we were moving too fast. maybe he got scared off. but if thats the case, be a man about it, tell me then. be honest for once. tell the truth. apparently a part of me does care otherwise i wouldnt be talking about this, or thinking about it so much. i put on this strong face, so that nobody will know what's underneath and what im really feeling. maybe im being contradictive. all i know is i feel very disappointed, yet not sad. & in 2 days... its delete..

Regret

Regret. I think that’s another word that I think is pretty powerful. It’s weird because I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Its been coming across my mind a lot lately. I don’t really know why, because I’m one of those people who don’t have any regrets. I don’t really believe in it. I believe that at that moment that it happened, it was exactly what you wanted. You could’ve prevented it from happening rather then “regretting” it later on. I can say though that I’ve made a lot of mistakes, which I’ve learned from. I’ve dated a lot of guys who were losers, or ones that tried to use me. And I tried to stop it before it led to anything else. Because I’m not that type of girl. However there have been times where I fell victim of temptation because I liked the guy so much. I knew he would hurt me somehow yet I chose to go down that path anyways and ended up paying for it later. Does that mean I regret it? No. I don’t. I learned from it. But then I think its difficult when u have children. U don’t want ur kids to make the same mistakes as u did, but then how will they learn? U can tell them the right thing to do, but in the end they’re still going to do what they want to do. The point im trying to make is that we all do things that later on, we look back on and we second guess it or wonder if it was the right thing. No regrets though. It’s in the past already. It already happened, so why not let it be? I think I can say that in the past 25 years I’ve done a lot of stupid things. But I don’t regret anything. It was an experience. And that’s what life is.

opportunities

i should really be getting sum rest. but i've been on a roll writing these blogs. and i have mr. gorgeous to thank for that. he really is an inspiration. people always say that i seem interesting when they read my profile. u should see his. its amazing. and everytime i read his blogs it always makes me think. hes my "celebrity crush" lol. anyway, i read this blog and saw this video that he posted and it really made me think. i'm thinking about coppin the video he posted cuz its so amazing. anyway, he talks about missed opportunities. and that really made me think a lot. especially watching the video as well. anyway, people really don't realize how short life is. i think about it everyday. yet sometimes i wish that i would really take more risks. be less picky. i could not wake up tomorrow, or i could get hit by a bus, or get into an accident and not be here tomorrow. (knocks on wood). im jus sayin. that life is short. it seems like it goes by so quickly. when i think about it i cant believe 25 years have already passed by. so how much more quickly is another 25 years going to pass by? how many opportunities have i missed? we all dont take enough risks or chances in our lifetime. but why not? what do u have to lose. i've never been the type of girl to go up to a guy and just start talking to him. i dont think im bold enough to do that. i dont think i ever will be. even drunk loud susan wouldnt do it. but then that makes me think about how many opportunities i've missed. when i see a really cute guy i would never go up and talk to him. but i always encourage my friends to if they like someone. i tell them to take a chance, because most likely you'll never see that person again. i dont have a problem talking to someone that my friends like for them. i'll do it. yet when it comes to me, i just cant do it for myself. i think i'm scared of rejection. i guess guys do have it hard sometimes. but then this also comes to my other question. wat about when a guy asks me how i feel about him. i have a very hard time telling him. i have a hard time trusting people. especially guys. i always want to know how they feel about me, but when they ask me, i'm afraid to tell them. i always have my guard up. and i guess i dont want to tell them because i dont want to seem vulnerable. i don't want to lay it all out on the table. i want to keep them guessing. plus u should know already. if i didn't like u then i wouldnt be talking to u. so u must be doing something right. this guy... i want to ask him badly, how do u feel about me? where is this going? do u like me? do u even eventually want a serious relationship? but i think i'm afraid of scaring him off. but dont i deserve to get some answers after a month already? how about if something better comes along but i was too occupied w/ him and i missed out on something better. i'm not the type of girl to be juggling guys. if i like a guy, hes gonna be the one i'm talking to. thats it.

Happiness

Honestly, I don’t think that anyone in this world is ever completely happy. If they say they are I still think they’re lying and wouldn’t believe them. When was the last time I was completely happy? I don’t really remember. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness. Sometimes I feel like my life is incomplete and that something’s missing. A lot of you are probably thinking its probably because I’m single. And don’t have that special someone in my life. But I think that’s only part of it. I don’t think I’d say anymore that I’m unhappy. But I don’t think I’ll reach closer to that happiness until I succeed in reaching my goals. One of them is finishing school. I’ve become way more serious with this and have made it one of my top priorities. And that’s the way it should have been in the beginning. Y the sudden change? Because I’m not getting any younger. I don’t want to work at the same job for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to worry about money for the rest of my life. I don’t want to feel unsecure about that. I want to have my career. So that one day I can encourage my kids to do the same. if they want to give up I can say that I never did and I kept pushing even though I wanted to give up. But I didn’t. I want to say I worked hard to get where I am and that it definitely paid off. Why should we all settle for less? That’s what going to school is for. That’s why you need an education. Where are you going to go being a basketball player, or an actress, or rapper. What happens if you get injured playing, and can never play again, then what? What happens, if your career as an actress ends, then what? Having a degree means that you’ll always have a job. I admire everyone that goes to school. Because that means they want to do something with their life. Another thing is, I’ve given up a big part of the party life I used to have. I used to party so much, and ended up going to school part time, dropping all of my classes. And by the end of the semester I’d only be taking one class that I got a C in. if u do the math, and I keep going at it that way, how long would it take me to graduate? And at what cost? School’s not exactly cheap. That’s made me think a lot too. I don’t want to be in major debt by the time I graduate. I used to party Wednesday to Saturday til 7 or 8 in the morning. Ditch school or go to school with a hangover. I can’t do that anymore. not only was it killing my liver, but my body felt weak too. There’s more important things than partying all the time. You can do that any time. It’ll always be there. Another thing that might be why I’m not completely happy is because I haven’t exactly found anyone that “completes” me I guess u can say. As cheesy as that sounds. I guess I’m kind of picky. Everyone says I need to stop talking to these losers, or dating these losers. You guys act like I KNOW that they will be a loser. Its not like I’m going to ask them that. And know when I first meet em. But I haven’t found anyone that’s worth my time. They’ve all been the same type of guys. All after me for the same thing. And I don’t have time for that. Most of them play games and I don’t have time for that either. I never really understood that. Love isn’t a game. You either like the person or u don’t. its that simple. And if u like them, well then do something about it. Like I said in my last blog, I’m not exactly sure what I want anymore. after “dating” or should I say “hanging out” with this recent guy it makes me think of a lot of things. It’s a very hot and cold situation. Which is very frustrating to me. However its good and bad. Obviously I have some sort of feelings for the guy otherwise I wouldn’t care so much y he’s so cold sometimes. But then the other part, I’m so busy most of the time, that I don’t even have time to care. Which sounds really bad too. I cant win. What’s a girl to do. It’s a good and bad thing being single. U don’t have to stress about all the drama. No getting into arguments. And I can focus more in school and not have to be thinking about a guy the whole time. Yet, I miss it sometimes. I miss having someone there for me. And someone to talk to. It’s a lonely and incomplete feeling at times. But I’ve been learning slowly to be stronger emotionally. That was always a weak point.

Update

i've had this blogger forever and i still don't know how to use it. i need to figure out how 2 customize it the way i want it to look. anyway, latest feelings.. confused, stressed, overwhelmed, shocked, surprised, adored, fun, ecstatic, busy, indecisive, annoyed, etc. the list just keeps going and going. school's been stressful as usual. but it keeps me busy which is good. which means i don't worry about the other stuff. wait scratch that. now that i think about it, i still worry. about a lot of things actually. but that's just me. here's a list of things i need to get done asap
SOC-weekly hw due sunday & exam on the 16th
CIS-labs due sunday
ENG-rough draft work plan was due 2day
FAS-3 exams & a paper due by the 19th
FIN-exam was today

u see wat i have to deal with. i found out recently that i got an A on my exam that i took last week. it made my day. literally. i dont remember the last time i was that ecstatic. The first test i got a C. so i was so happy about this one. it was an amazing feeling. obviously if u havent noticed i dont get A's often. cuz if i did i would brag about it more. lol. I found out i got an A on this other discussion i did for another class, 2 B's on on two papers i recently did. so far so good right? i need to keep it up. i cant wait for this semester to end. i get a break for a month. although i'll be taking a winter class. anyway, during winter break i have exactly a month to get back into shape. im so unhappy with my body right now. i think i've been gaining weight but its in all the wrong places. gross. i need to tone it, and i wanna be fit like i used to be. i actually miss going to the gym 4 days a week. i never liked going. but it really does help me fight my stress & takes my mind off of a lot of things. its a big motivation when i work out. i recently deleted my facebook. r u guys shocked? lol. i just got so annoyed at it. everyone was making a huge deal out of it. when all it is is posting a status update and leaving comments and responses on people's status updates. u guys might as well just get a twitter. and all the dam application invites and everything was overwhelming and getting on my nerves. facebook is too much for me. too complicated. im devoted to myspace. i like it way more cuz its not as complicated, u can listen to music, and u can customize ur page the way u want it. and even write on it. a part of me even wants to delete my mypsace. i'm getting too old for this networking crap. i kinda wanna jus keep a blog and twitter. if u think about it, how much time do we spend online? A LOT! we could be out doing something way more productive. people say they keep it to keep in touch w/ their friends. u guys have my email AND phone number. call me.

so time for the good stuff. so theres this guy. of course there is right.. isnt there always. im not gonna put too many details cuz i dont know where its going. hes not from here. thank god. cuz i hate the whole every1 knows every1 crap here in az. ive actually been talkin 2 him for a while. surprisingly. usually we're done after like a week, or two dates or watever. i usually call it quits cuz they always try 2 get in my pants after the 1st date. anyway, hes different. do u guys know where i always want to go on a first date? wats the perfect first date in my eyes? going to the fair. guess where he took me on our first date? to my fav. restaurant and to the fair. actually we've gone twice since i've known him. and he also took me to the game last weekend. i'm not really sure how i feel about him yet. its hard. because its also complicated. anyway, i'm not sure if i can take him seriously yet, cuz i feel like he doesnt take me seriously. u would think, u'd know how u feel about someone or know where its going after a month. tell him that. like i said theres more behind it, but i just dont feel like sharing. then again, i could be a hypocrit, bc a part of me doesn't know what i want anymore. a part of me does want a relationship. but another part of me doesn't know anymore. i live a really busy life during the week, i'm up late doing homework, and im trying really hard this semester to stay focused. and the guy that i'm with needs to understand that. he needs to understand that school is one of my top priorities. which doesn't mean that i wont make time for the right guy. but he needs to be understanding too. i got a lot more to talk about but i only got 4hrs of sleep last nite thx to studying and hw. so peace out and god bless for now.

past

ok, so i think its been like 9 months since i've seen him. and i wanna keep it that way bc i know the minute i see him, it'll just make things complicated. we "drifted" away, bc he wasnt good for me. he hurt me. a lot. i think i "fell for him" pretty hard. i put that in quotations bc i honestly couldnt tell u wat tha hell it was. it was complicated. out of sight out of mind. yea i dont believe that bs. bc jus cuz i didnt see him, doesnt mean i didn't stop thinking about him. cuz i still did here and there. i fell into a cycle w/ him. the more i saw him, the more i liked him, the more i kept hurting myself. nothing ever happened between us cuz there was some1 else in the picture.w/ him at least. i dont even wanna say how long we kept playing this game. but it hurt me more than anything. the other problem was he didnt feel the same way about me that i felt about him. he would never be able to tell me how he really felt. i think he just told me what i wanted to hear. i think that a part of me will always have a "crush" on him. theres a lot of history there. but i can't go through it again. so to know that there's even a slight chance i might see him again, scares me. it also somehow makes me sad. cuz i know myself. and i know i would do something stupid. i would want to see him. for all the wrong reasons. but it would just lead to me being hurt again. and is that really worth it? i dont think he realizes how much he meant to me or how much i liked him. or he just never really cared.

i really dont know why but i've been thinking about my "past" a lot lately. im trying hard not to, bc it hurts when i do. 2 yrs later and u would think i would be over it. but somehow its still stuck in the back of my head sometimes. sometimes i think about texting him, or leaving him a msg on twitter or something. but i know thats a horribleeeeee idea. why? bc the past is the past for a reason. honestly, i dont believe that ex's can be friends. it's just impossible. theres so much history. and i wouldn't wanna go down that road again. why would i want to? more pain? this goes back to a question that i had, why do we do the wrong things, when we know what the right thing to do is? is it because we're just following our hearts? our hearts want one thing, but we know it's not always the right thing, yet we follow it anyway. can u really control ur feelings? i think its even harder, to see that he's so happy w/ some1 else, to know that he loves some1 else. how is it possible that some1 else can make him more happy than i ever did? i gave up everything & did everything for him. but then i think about how, isn't there always something better out there for u? well if there is i havent found it yet. i've only found the same patterns lately. all the same type of guys. people think i go out there looking for players, & fools that wanna hurt me. yea thats wat i want. am i supposed 2 ask them, "hi, r u a bad guy?" and expect them to tell me the truth? they all play the same game. & im really not the right girl to play it with. if i really wanted a bf that bad i could've had a dozen of em by now. but my option was, be single, or get hurt & get played. i think i'd rather be single. try explaining that to my family. they think being single is the worst thing in the world. it's like i have to have a bf. they ask me if i have a bf everytime i come home. its gotten so bad, that sometimes i dont even wanna come home anymore. now, i'm thinking, i'm wasting my time, thinking about all these fools, when i know dam well they could care less about me, and are definitely not thinking about me. i'm getting a headache. peace out & god bless.

afraid?

its been almost a month since i wrote one. lately ive been feeling kinda weird. i really dont know why. but it's really hard to explain it. im gonna try to write a short one cuz i got get up for work in 6 & 1/2 hrs. but the thoughts keep coming and coming, and my head feels really filled, but i cant get it out, i cant write it. as usual. i always have that problem. so i've been thinking a lot about everything going on. and how so many things have changed. and the more i think about it, the more it scares me. because i see all these changes, and when i see myself, i feel like im just stuck in the same spot. and i feel like i'm not going anywhere. i work hard everyday and i push myself. but i still feel like i'm not going anywhere. do u wanna know how i'm feeling right now? worried, scared, frustrated, annoyed, alone, loney, stressed, overwhelmed. do any of those emotions sound like a positive one? not really. i really don't like people worrying about me. which is probably why i try to smile and say im ok. ok, so i've been thinking about how everyone around me is taking a step forward, moving on w/ their lives. and i just feel stuck. my sister had her baby. & he's amazing. i pretty much showed up 20 mins after he was born. and i miss him everyday i dont see him. he definitely gets a lot of love from everyone. its a very wonderful feeling seeing my sister so happy. i cried the minute i walked into the room. i cried even more, when i saw her hold him for the first time. she's always been a baby in my eyes and probably always will be. she's my baby. and to see that she has a child now, scares me a little. because we've grown so much. i never really wanted this day to come. i've been living w/ my bff & her daughter for the past 8 months now. and its been awesome. i couldnt have asked for better roommates. we understand each other so we have an amazing friendship. i think about the future, and about how this living situation wont be like this forever. bc eventually she wont be here anymore. in about a year, she'll most likely move away to be w/ her bf. and i wont be able to see her and her daughter aka my "neice" everyday anymore. and it seriously makes me really sad thinking about it. now i know exactly how she felt when i left az and moved to sf. but at least she had someone at the time. she's the one person whos always been there for me, & we spend every day together, yet we never get sick of each other. we're the kind of friends who can just have a blast doing nothing. or sit in total silence and it wont be awkward. thats when u know ur really good friends. i've grown to love her daughter more and more everyday. when i have a bad day & come home, she's there, & she makes me smile when i wanna cry. to think about how they won't be here in the future makes me really sad. i don't even wanna think about it. but we all need to go on w/ our lives and do what makes us happy. one of myother close friends, is gonna be engaged soon. i know it. we all know it. she's been w/ her bf for so long. he's a cool guy. i envy their relationship and wish i had something like that. bc its really rare. and they've been 2gether for so long. u dont see that everyday anymore. today everyone rushes things. u see people getting married after knowing each other for a few months or a year. & how long does that really last? so 2 see my friend be w/ her bf for 7 yrs is amazing. i hope i find something like that one day. i can't believe she's gonna get married though. another step in life. another close friend of mine i found out recently is having a baby. i just pray for her that she has a healthy baby, and that she's happy. then i have one friend that i've been friends with for what seems like forever. she told me that soon, her bf will be moving here for her. they've been together for a really long time too. 1 of my other friends is moving away. her, her fiance, and baby can't afford 2 live here anymore so they're moving to stay w/ his family for a while. if u read my blog, u see where i'm going w/ all of this. everyone has kids, getting married, taking the next step. and i feel like im just stuck. for the longest time, i think, maybe a few months. i think i was doing good.i had work and school to keep me busy. its a good & bad thing bc it takes my mind off of everything else. i dont really have time to think about everything else going on. i dont have time to worry. im too busy w/ work & school. it pretty much takes over my life. i'm afraid of all these changes, i'm more afraid of growing up even more i guess. i feel kind of alone. and when i really think about it, we all just have ourselves to depend on. don't depend on your parents, or your bf or gf. you're the one living ur life. what would u do if u & ur bf broke up? or u moved away from ur family, ur on ur own. u do things for urself not for other people. honestly, i haven't been completely happy in a long time. i haven't found the answer to that yet. i've been feeling empty lately. i feel alone. but i know this moment will pass. i think that i really have changed a lot. and im starting to learn to be even more independent than i was, and really trying hard 2 be a stronger individual. focusing in school is really important right now. thats all i can say about this right now. peace out & god bless.

a quick 1

ok im gonna try 2 write up a quick one before i get sum last minute reading done, then my day can finally end. itz been kinda stressful this week cuz i have my first finance exam this thursday. im really nervous about it cuz i think thatz the one class that i'm struggling in. actually scratch that. my social change class is pretty tough too. but my finanace class, this is the second time im taking it. sometimes i wonder why im even majoring in business. im horrible at math & numbers. yet business is the only thing that i've ever been interested in. i think one day it'll work itself out. ive gone this far already, im not starting over or turning back. anyway, once again, my bday was a success i guess i could say. another year has gone by, and i've learned alot. when i look back, i just cant believe how fast it all went by and how much has changed. my bday made me see a lot of things and saw who was really there for me too. that's all im going to say about that. i think i've grown a lot within the past year. a lot of changes. im no longer the party girl i once was. sometimes, i miss it, but definitely not on a daily basis like i used to. i miss going out, drinking, partying til dawn, dancing the night away. i dont miss the throwing up, hangovers, raunchy fellaz at tha club. but there's more to life then partying every weekend. theres not much to do in az, but on some friday or saturday nights i think i have more fun just chillin on my patio w/ a drink, talkin to friends over a night out. doesnt sound like me at all. but thatz the way it is now. or u can find me at church on sundays then at the library doing homework. with that said, school & work are once again taking over my life. i dont think work is supposed 2 be stressful. but ever since my sister left, i feel so stressed at work. i was kind of upset, cuz they never warned me or anything that i'd be taking over her position. so i never got trained on it. so imagine it, im doing my job and hers. and pretty much not knowing what tha hell im doing when it comes to hers. but anyway, im learning slowly as i go along. im really hoping that it'll get easier as i go. but im just super stressed right now w/ work. when it shouldnt be like that. school on the other hand, i have exams coming up. which always stresses me out. but then thats school.. itz supposed 2 be stressful. this is what my whole life consists of pretty much. itz a good and bad thing to me, because it keeps me busy so i dont have to worry about all the other bs thatz going on in my life. im always thinking about so many things. not always good. but lately, i havent even had time to do that. sacrifices... which is what ive had to do a lot of, to get my shit together. if i ever wanna finish this. i cant afford 2 slack on this shit anymore, bc i dont wanna be in school forever. instead of working more hrs, making more money, my gym time, etc. i spend it reading, doing homework. i barely even have time to watch tv. but anyway, im gonna quit bitching now. i wanna write more, cuz i have a million more things on my mind. but once again, no time. peace out & god bless..

Me, Myself, And I

so ever since i started school again my life has been pretty busy. itz very overwhelming. and stressful at times, but at the same time i like it too because it keeps me occupied so i dont worry about everything else going on and i dont feel so alone or lonely. ive been trying not to procrastinate as much but the work is pretty overwhelming. especially my english class. we have homework due every tuesday and thursday and itz usually 3 assignments each time. work overload. and my finance class.... dam.. the first day was prolly the only day that i actually understood anything going on. after that i got so lost. i'm taking this class over bc i got a D on it the first time i took it.but now im getting kind of worried bc i feel so lost and i dont really understand anything going on. im one of those people who dont really like asking for help. i wanna figure it out on my own. im stubborn like that. but im running out of tim trying to figure it out. bc we have our first quiz on thursday. so im a little worried about it. the teacher is better than last semester's. but he still moves pretty fast paced. i only have 2 days to figure it out. i also have a rough draft due for my english class next tuesday which i have no idea wat im gonna write about for that either. and i need 2 figure it out soon, cuz i dont wanna spend next sunday night stressing about it. anyway, so itz been quiet lately bc ive had tha last 4 days off. friday we didnt really have any work for me to do so they gave me the day off and i had today off too bc of labor day. 4 whole days. if i knew sooner i woulda planned a vacation. but anyway, itz nice to finally have time off but itz kinda lonely too. as u know ive been keeping myself busy A LOT. i dont remember the last time i actually felt depressed, lonely, sad, alone or anything like that for a long time. i think this past weekend was when it finally hit me for tha first time in so long. now im getting a headache thinking about all of this. everyone was w/ their boyfriends this weekend. everyone was doing their own thing. i spent the last 4 days by myself. it was lonely. i havent felt like this in a long time. which is y i dont exactly like having time off. i think ive been burying myself in my work and school so i dont feel so lonely. and itz been successful. i even came 2 the conclusion that maybe i dont even have time for boys. most of my friends know me. they know that i've been wanting a relationship for so long. this weekend, it would've been nice to have one instead of being by myself. i spent tha night at my moms the other night. and it was nice, it helped a little. made me think about when i used 2 live at home. this takes me back 2 a sermon that the father at my church was talking about one time. how we depend on others. we depend on our families, boyfriends, girlfriends, kids, jobs. but in the end, we just have ourselves. think about it, how about if ur job doesnt work out, and u lose ur job, what will u have? how bout if god forbid, ur family's not there anymore one day, how about if ur relationship ends? i always say that in the end u always have ur friends, but u cant depend on them either, bc we all live our own lives. u learn to depend on no one but urself. bc in the end, ur not gonna let urself down. and u'll always be there for urself. itz also called being independent. this is what it would be like if i lived by myself. without a roommate. one day. i need 2 think about that. cuz of course, eventually itz going to happen. everyone knows i hate being by myself. itz lonely and boring. but u just need 2 keep yourself busy. theres a million things to do in the world. it makes me think of that song by mj-u are not alone, i am here with you... ive been reading this book called the courage of faith. im only on the second chapter, but a lot of things have stuck out so far. faith gives us the courage to face our own shortcomings. courage is not just about not being afraid, but also knowing what to fear-plato. courage, like archery, take practice-aristotle. gotta get sum work done now or ill never sleep. peace out & god bless.

Indecisve

i've been thinking a lot about what i really want when it comes to relationships. i thought that this whole time i knew what i wanted but now i'm starting to wonder. Maybe i really don't know. for the longest time i knew what i wanted. which was a relationship. i think a huge part of me was just so lonely and tired of being alone. not to mention seeing all my friends in relationships kinda made me jealous. i just wanna be happy too. but recently after "dating" i really don't know. i dont think i've ever been this indecisive about it before. i thought about it a lot actually, and itz been two years since ive been in a relationship. so ive been single ever since. and i was thinking maybe god is doing me a favor. whenever i was dating anyone itz just so stressful or drama. especially during school. u get in a fight w/ them, and thatz all u think about, itz hard to focus on anything else. so maybe this is a good thing. i wont have anything to worry about, no getting hurt, and i can just concentrate in school. or maybe for once, i just need to stop looking and just let it happen naturally. i think when i was younger i used to like dating. but now not so much anymore. sometimes i really wish i could just skip the whole thing. i dont like first dates at all. i think they're so nerve wrecking.and i really don't believe im any good at it. now that i think about it, my relationship w/ my ex, we talked for 5 months, and became a couple before we even had our first date. and lately for the first time in my life i think i actually like school. im enjoying it. and i actually have been paying attention. surprisingly. ive never even taken this many classes before. but then again itz only the 2nd week of school. i was super nervous the first day of class for some reason. i felt like it was my first day of school all over again. but anyway, i think this is the first time in my life where i actually don't feel lonely. i do sometimes, but not as much as i used to. and not depressed all tha time either. im not neccessarily happy, and i dont think i will be for a long time. but ill live. i get lonely sometimes when im by myself, or i heard about everyone else's relationships but im a survivor. anyway, itz gettin late. itz weird how i usually have so much on my mind and theres so many things i wanna talk about, but when it comes down to write it i cant get it out. anyway, peace out & god bless.

A Lot

so it seems like i always have a lot on my mind but i just always seem to have trouble gettin it down on paper. ever since i was a kid i always had a journal. and i always wrote in it. actually, i still have one. lol. but i just dont have time to write in it as often. so i write in it like maybe once every 6 months. so they're some long ass entries. i guess that's what this blogger's for. for my thoughts. mr. gorgeous aka truth tweeted this quote that really made me think & sounds like me.. Which is why I write when i dont feel like writing, because I might find out shit about myself that I never, ever, knew. -Reg E. Gaines definitely a good one. so anyway, this whole week i haven't been feeling that great. it started out w/ my throat hurting. then all of a sudden i kept feeling like i had a huge cut on my tongue in the back. and it hurt and burns so badly. like i can't even eat cuz it hurts so bad. it even hurts when i talk. so i havent really eaten much at all for this whole week now. it sucks so bad. if u know me, u know that i get sick. a lot. sucks even more that i dont have health insurance. a person like me definitely needs that. so my mom calls me this week and told me that she's getting me health insurance. thank god. if u also don't know, my mom's really good at reading about ur future and ur palm. she's pretty accurate that it's scary. when she read my palm she told me that it's changed a lot since i was a kid. i told her the whole situation about school. i really didn't want 2 because i hate more than anything having her worry about me. i told her i might not finish for another 3 yrs. but when she read my palm she said that i will finish. and i know i will. i have to. she also said that i go through so many break ups before i get married. awesome right.& she says that im always worried. she thinks im always worried about money. but thatz not even half of it. i didnt tell her why. so then she reads my cards. and this is tha scary part. so she tells me theres this one guy, that likes me, & he lives really far away that likes me. she described him just the way he looks, and said that, but, theres another girl in tha picture. i was like wtf. cuz there is a guy im talking to that lives far away but i never told her about him. then she said theres another guy that likes me a lot. and he lives here. but i dont like him. lmao. oh man. sounds familiar. then she told me that i have so many guys chasing me yet, why am i still single? itz a lot more complicated than that mom. there might be a lot of guys chasing me, but that doesn't mean they're all good. i'd rather be single then be w/ a guy that i know is just messing w/ my heart & playing w/ my emotions. y would i want 2 put myself through that? in my mom's point of view and my grandma's they always think that u need a man in ur life to support u. but i dont see it that way. every time i see them they always ask me if i have a bf yet. but i dont care about that stuff. i dont need a guy to support me. i can take care of myself. i dont want to depend on anyone. it really made me think a lot. she also said that i still miss some1. i know who's she's talking about..i dont think that will ever go away but i've learned to dealt w/ it. dont get me wrong, i do get lonely sometimes. and itz a little harder when i see how happy all my friends are w/ their boyfriends. a part of me is starting to lose faith in love and doesn't really believe that it exists anymore. i dont really know what it is anymore. but im not really in a rush anymore. and i shouldnt have to look. i just need 2 concentrate on more important things. like school. anyway, i gotta cut this short. back 2 work. peace out, and god bless.

so lately...

ok so i guess a lot has been going on lately. ok not really. i just have a lot on my mind. i always do. but i haven't had time to blog yet. and i didn't really want to yet until i actually finished customizing my page. but anyway, ive been working a lot lately. my typical day consists of work and the gym. that's pretty much it monday-friday. however i haven't gone 2 the gym now for 2 weeks. so i really need 2 start getting back on track next week. because when school starts its going to be so hectic that i know i wont have time for a lot of things. im kinda nervous about school starting. i always i am. just because i don't know how hard my classes are going to be and if i can handle them. my schedule is still not complete yet because i've bee putting off taking my placement test to see what math i'll be placed in. i'm horrible at math. you'd think i should be good since i'm azn. lol. but no. i always struggled with it. work has been ok lately. ive been working long hours so i can save up because i can't work as much when school starts. its been pretty busy at work lately. it keeps me busy which i'm glad. otherwise my mind would be somewhere else. and i would just end up worrying all tha time. my family's doing ok. my sister's getting big. i think she's hittin close to 8 months. we work 2gether, & everytime i see her i still get shocked. like i dont believe that this is really happening. last time i really felt my nephew kick i shed a few tears. so i have no idea what it'll be like when he actually arrives. which i'm super excited about. her babyshower is coming up, which i'm helping her host. i'm still indecisive about what to get her. my mom's been struggling a lot lately. well my grandma is finally home from rehab, but her ankle is not completely healed yet. so she's still struggling to walk. so my mom stays home w/ her. but to top it off, a few weeks ago, my mom's head starting hurting, and she found out that her nerves were damaged. so now she can't go back 2 work. its adding stress to me, bc she's asking me for money now. since she can't go back 2 work.i told her that when i get my fin. aid i would help her out. but she's depending so much on my sister & me to take care of everything for her. she told me to take out as many loans as i can, pay my bills, pay off my car, and give her the rest so she can pay off her house. first off,i only have enough 2 pay off my bills, not even enough 2 pay my car. i love her, and i would help her out in any way i can. but it irritates me that she's depending on me. i'm not responsible for her bills. she's an adult. she needs to figure out what to do, not ask her children to solve her problems for her. so on monday me & tha roomie actually went out. i know, shocker huh? we went 2 cream lounge & these fools would not leave us alone. 1st sum gay guy came up 2 me & was like "omg, i was gonna wear that exact same outfit" lmao. i think he was by himself. i actually really like cream lounge. i know tha bartender that works there. and i really like their music. but itz so dam small. we went 2 crown room after that. it was our 1st time there. man, their long islands will kill u. i got buzzed off of 1. i was done after that. my roomie got fucked up. sum other fools started talkin 2 us too. these guys were sum cheap bastards, they kept talkin bout drinks, yet they wouldn't buy us any. so we kinda walked away. then sum other fools came up 2 us. these fools wouldn't stop buying us drinks. so these 2 scrubs told us that they were from out of town, & they came here for vacation. why tha hell would u come 2 az for a vacation. they must really like hot weather. so 1 of tha scrubs told me hes from tha bay so i told him i lived in daly city for 3 yrs. & hes like oh really, i heard that girls there go down on guys. r u fuckin kidding me? THATS how u get girls? nice. i made v chug tha last long island i got her, & we got tha fuck outta there. i felt hella bad cuz she couldn't keep tha alcohol down @ all. lol. fun times. well i'm glad itz friday but i feel like tha week just flys by. next thing it'll be time for school again. anyway, i got a lot more 2 say, but i gotta start gettin readyfor tha bday party soon. i'll try 2 blog sometime this weekend after i fix tha page. i'm slowly fixing my myspace too. itz been a while. peace out folks. god bless.

new...

so ive been on this website since june. i posted a few blogs before. but i deleted them all. i think this website is so confusing. it took me an hour jus to figure out how to add people, delete posts, etc. & now im in the process of learning how 2 customize my page so bare w/ me. im jealous that everyones page is all pimped out and stuff. i wish i was more literate when it came to this html stuff. im slowly learning. ive been on this website for tha past few hrs trying 2 figure everything out instead of "working". it frustrates me when i cant figure something out. this website really reminds me of xanga. i think i still have an account on there too. this is like an udpated version. i used 2 be so addicted 2 myspace when i first started it.i was always fixing my page all tha time. ever since twitter came out ive been all about that. so my myspace page is a hot mess right now. im slowly re doing the whole thing, adding and deleting stuff. so itz a complete mess. i dont really know if i like my blog being on public. because i tend to jus write whatever's on my mind. i dont think i even know how 2 set it to private. anyway i need 2 catch up on my ish. so ill be posting more after work today. have so much 2 do today..