Indecisve

i've been thinking a lot about what i really want when it comes to relationships. i thought that this whole time i knew what i wanted but now i'm starting to wonder. Maybe i really don't know. for the longest time i knew what i wanted. which was a relationship. i think a huge part of me was just so lonely and tired of being alone. not to mention seeing all my friends in relationships kinda made me jealous. i just wanna be happy too. but recently after "dating" i really don't know. i dont think i've ever been this indecisive about it before. i thought about it a lot actually, and itz been two years since ive been in a relationship. so ive been single ever since. and i was thinking maybe god is doing me a favor. whenever i was dating anyone itz just so stressful or drama. especially during school. u get in a fight w/ them, and thatz all u think about, itz hard to focus on anything else. so maybe this is a good thing. i wont have anything to worry about, no getting hurt, and i can just concentrate in school. or maybe for once, i just need to stop looking and just let it happen naturally. i think when i was younger i used to like dating. but now not so much anymore. sometimes i really wish i could just skip the whole thing. i dont like first dates at all. i think they're so nerve wrecking.and i really don't believe im any good at it. now that i think about it, my relationship w/ my ex, we talked for 5 months, and became a couple before we even had our first date. and lately for the first time in my life i think i actually like school. im enjoying it. and i actually have been paying attention. surprisingly. ive never even taken this many classes before. but then again itz only the 2nd week of school. i was super nervous the first day of class for some reason. i felt like it was my first day of school all over again. but anyway, i think this is the first time in my life where i actually don't feel lonely. i do sometimes, but not as much as i used to. and not depressed all tha time either. im not neccessarily happy, and i dont think i will be for a long time. but ill live. i get lonely sometimes when im by myself, or i heard about everyone else's relationships but im a survivor. anyway, itz gettin late. itz weird how i usually have so much on my mind and theres so many things i wanna talk about, but when it comes down to write it i cant get it out. anyway, peace out & god bless.