2010 Memories

u would think i would have written a lot more by now, especially since i'm on my winter break. there's been a lot of thoughts floating around, as usual. but i can never actually get it down on paper. so 2010 memories was a trending topic that was on twitter. it actually made me think a lot about this whole year, and i definitely couldn't tweet every single memory i had. the first thing i thought about was January. i have a million bdays to celebrate that month. the thing that stood out the most was my baby sister turning 21. i didn't want this day to come. because it would make me look at my own life and realize i'm officially old. i've seen her grown up for the past 21 yrs of her life and it's been amazing. she's always been a baby to me and probably always will be. during that month, i was also dating this one fool. i call him the "stockton boy" cuz that's where he was from. man was that a mess of a relationship. so this guy was the first guy i actually called my bf since my hard breakup in 2007. we were only together for a month. i dont know why i thought i could do another long distance relationship. especially w/ a guy that lives in the same area as my ex. ugh. in that relationship, i felt like i took it seriously and he didn't. we argued so much that it drained the hell out of me. at a certain point i couldn't handle it anymore. it shouldn't be that complicated in the beginning. long story short, at one point, the fool was blowing up my phone, asking me to take him back, and he tells me he loves me. after being w/ me for a month. reminder, all this happened between jan. -feb. of this year. fool is still texting me. can u believe that bs. he texted me on my bday and xmas. seriously man, get the hint. its over. so move on. another memory was me going to vegas. vegas baby! lol. that was definitely a blast. we actually celebrated my friend who lives in the bay area, her bachelorrette party. i can't remember the club we went to. was it surrender? oh my goodness. amazing. and the fellas there? i thought i was in heaven. goodness. it's like an upscale version of myst. azns everywhere. all the azn chicks were all dolled up and shit. gotta admit, they looked really good. what put a damper on the trip, was when me & my best friend got in a fight about something that happened on my bday 3 yrs ago. what pissed me off was that she put my business out there and she waited 3 yrs to tell me she was still upset about it. i understand she was drunk, but the truth definitely came out. we kinda just threw it aside and said let's just forgive and forget but i know it still bothers her. which i can't do anything about it if that's how she feels. i've already apologized for my mistakes. so u can either forgive me and move on or hold a grudge against me forever. ur choice. it kinda makes me think though, because since that year, 3 yrs ago, she has yet to come out w/ me for my bday. anyway, another memory was when i went to visit my homegirl in idaho for 4th of july. very good times there. i always have fun when i'm out w/ her. im really glad that me and her friendship have grown througout the years. i'm glad that she can call me when she wants to talk. and she's more open w/ me. we're total opposites when it comes to guys though. it's pretty funny. can't take that girl anywhere. she reels in the guys and gets us free drinks. another memory was when her & her brother came to visit here. that was some fun times. it's crazy cuz i knew him first for like a million years. then i met her. and that's a whole other story. so my bday this year. i'm at the point in my life already where i seriously hate talking about my age. when people ask me i really don't like telling them. no one ever believes me when i tell em how old i am. i felt horrible on my bday. it was bad enough that people bailed but then i ended up getting wasted because i was so pissed off about it. i was even more upset because i lost like half of my group that night due to my drunkness and i felt horrible about it the next day. i spent two days recovering from it. and realized im too old for this bs. next year, no going out. we're having a bbq at my place. case closed. another memory, my nephew/godson turning 1. it's crazy. cuz i remember the day he was born just a year ago. how he used to sleep in my lap or my chest. i love him so dearly. now he's trying to talk and walking around. and being a bad boy. lol. his bday party was insane. another memory i forgot about. another foolio i dated back in August. i shoulda kept his dumbass around and at least get a bday gift outta him. i bet i woulda got something good too. lol. that sounds horrible. so this fool was pretty much psycho. everything would be going great, and then the next day he would lash out at me and attack me verbally for no reason. calling me selfish, a slut, i dont care about anyone but myself. and some other bs. at one point, i couldn't deal w/ it anymore. he would seriously be yelling at me on the phone and hurt my feelings and wouldn't even give a dam. im sorry, but i'm a calm person. there's no need to be yelling at me for any reason. i remember he would "playfully" say he loved me. and say he didn't mean it. it would happen 3 times. how exactly does that happen accidentally? i seriously dated this guy for like a month and a half or so. who knows. dont really know what's up w/ these guys telling me they love me. it takes a lot for me to love a guy. it's a shame, because he was very cute and i was very into him. but i wasn't down for that drama. school is such a priority right now, that i can't deal w/ all that drama. i can't fuck it up. another huge memory this year? my best friend and her daughter moving away and me moving into my own place. it hit me really hard seeing them leave. i've been friends w/ her for probably 10 yrs now. maybe more. i lived w/ her for almost 2 yrs. it was hard saying goodbye. mainly cuz she's like a sister to me. how can i forget about the joe case and next concert! omg, best bday ever that was. i can't believe i got to see all of them up close and personal. best memory ever!. anyway, i think that's most of the memories from this year. if i could write everything it would take all night. let's see some pics from this year shall we..








so many more pics, but no time to post. 2011 here we come! =)

the worst

i dont really know why, but the other day i was thinking about the worst things a guys has ever said to me. ready?
-yes i was testing you, and you failed.
-i'm turning 21 soon so i'll be going out a lot, and there's a chance i might cheat on you, i dont wanna hurt you.
-me: i love u. him: "........." (silence)
-dont hate the player, hate the game
-you're a fat ass & gay
-you're selfish & mean, & i don't know why i got involved with you.
-after our "first time" him: u slept w/ that many guys? well that's ok, bc this didn't count.
-yea i just wanted to holla at u for sex.
-you should add me on fb because i forgot what you look like.

and people wonder why i have issues trusting guys....

time

time is so precious. it kinda scares me how quickly it flies by. honestly, during the week, sometimes i dont even know what day it is. sometimes, when friday rolls around i dont even realize it's friday. i feel like there's not enough time. especially during the week. i dont like it. sometimes i really wish i could freeze time just so i can get more work done. anyway, so an update on my so called life. i finally moved into my new place. it was a pain in the ass. i hired movers. but who knew it was so much dam work actually unpacking and decorating. u would think me being a girl i would love decorating. but i hate it. i pretty much gave up. next time, im just going to hire someone to do all this shit. thank god for friends. i had some friends give me ideas and go w/ me to pick out stuff. myself, i'm not handy at all. and i realized that when i started putting shit together. i put my coffee table together. what an accomplishment huh. i had a bookcase and also an end table to do. and i got so frustrated because i couldnt get it together. and im the type of person who likes to do everything on my own. i dont like asking my friends for help because i dont wanna be a hassle. but that's what it ended coming down to. i was disappointed in myself for not being able to do it on my own. but i guess sometimes its not that bad asking for help. and if they're ur friends then they shouldn't mind. there's some parts of my place that still need decorating but im tired of it. so whatever. living on my own is... different. during the week its not that bad because i'm usually not even home. when i am home i spend the time doing work. but on the weekends, it gets lonely. i spend it running errands. but when i am at home, its lonely. honestly, i miss my best friend and her daughter. it's definitely not the same. i really hope she's happy over there. school's been ok. my grades so far are better than last semester for sure. except i got some really bad news the other days. that just made me lose all hope on everything. my advisor calls me. they never call. so i knew it was bad. basically i put in a second petition to retake my finance class for the 3rd time. the girl was like why did u do that. we still have ur first one. didnt u check the outcome. i was like, no. she said well u should've checked on it. then she said, basically we have to see how u do this semester, then u have to do well in ur two accounting classes then MAYBE we'll approve ur petition to retake this finance class. and she was like it's not looking good for u, maybe u should consider a different major. i was so dam upset. ive always struggled in my major and if i continue to stay in it who knows how long it'll take for me to finish and i'll continue to struggle. on friday i spoke to another advisor, and i felt so much better, and i felt like the weight has finally been lifted. before i was majoring in business admin. now i changed it to BIS. which means i'll be majoring in business and sociology. the good news is i'm done w/ all my general classes, except i just need one more math & science. after next semester i'll be done w/ all my sociology classes. then i can just focus on business and hopefully i should be done by fall 2011. thats if i take a full load from now til then. it'll be really tough but i think i can do it. honestly, if i had it my way, i wouldn't even go to school. i dont like school. but i'm doing it for my mom. i dont want to be the failure in the family. and she struggles so much and she does so much for me. i want to be able to give her everything. no matter what it takes. and i've gotten this far, quitting is just not an option in my book. anyway, its crazy how much life is so much easier when there are no guys involved. its so dam lonely. but at the same time, there's no drama. and i can actually concentrate in school. maybe that's why god won't throw me a bone in that department. ive been crushing on the same guy for over a year now, and he still doesn't even know i exist. im invisible in his eyes and im just like the rest of them. i dont like telling people about it, because they just laugh at me when i tell them i like this guy that i've never even met. it makes my day when he comments on my posts sometimes. im the type of girl that appreciates the little things. they tell me, how r u supposed to meet someone if u dont date. then they tell me, dont look for a guy, let him come to u. so which is it people? shit. i dont wanna date. i wanna skip all that drama and just jump into the relationship. its such a long process that leads up to that. anyway, i miss my idaho girl. she moved to portland and i've always wanted to go there. but it's hard since her brother lives there. awkward. she reminds me of me. minus the emo side and she's more wild than i am. but she's my partner in crime and we're definitely trouble together. work has been crazy lately. there's so many changes going on and it kinda scares me. its exciting but at the same type scares me. i dont like being out of the loop and not knowing whats going on. everything has been so secretive. my co worker, which i call my friend now, will ask me, so what kind of guy am i looking for. and it's hard to explain but at the same time it's pretty straight forward. on one hand, i want someone who shares the same interests as me but on the other hand i want someone who's the exact opposite to show me things that i never knew existed. to keep it exciting. someone with a good personality. someone who will go to church with me, someone who understands that its not all about them, but it's about both of us. communication is important. someone who understands that i live a busy life. but will always make time for him. sounds like too much to ask apparently. well whoever he is, he doesn't live in az. they're all the same here. eventually i want to move back to cali. once im done w/ school, im out. it's going to be tough to leave my family. but how else will i be happy. everyone has their own life. in the end, im on my own. in the words from a bronx tale-nobody cares..

fear

so lately. i'm not sure why but i've been feeling scared a lot. i think all the stress is really starting to get to me. im mostly scared of school. im doing well in a majority of my classes. i think im actually getting straight B's. for once. except for my stupid legal ethics class. which im pretty much failing. its a tough decision. because i can retake it, but it'll put me behind for the millionth time. but if i stay in it and fail, there goes my gpa along with retaking the class. i failed a class once and had to do a petition for it and they still haven't approved it. which put me a semester behind. im really worried. because after this semester i still need over 30 units left before i can graduate. im so frustrated and upset that it's taking me so dam long. i want to give up. a part of me really doesn't want to do it anymore.i hate school. but i don't really have the option of quitting.i would disappoint so many people. especially my mom. ive gotten so far so why give up now. and i keep having to tell myself that no matter how much i dont want to do this anymore. she's the reason i'm living and she's done so much for me already it's time for me to do the same for her. i can't stand to see her struggle anymore. or my sister. and i'm going to do whatever it takes to help them. i dont want my kids one day, if i ever have any to go through what i had to go through. i would want them to have everything. at the end of the day i always think, what would mr. gorgeous do. yes, how lame does that sound. but this guy that ive had a crush on for the past year now, that has no idea that i even exist is such an inspiration and he doesnt even know it. he's probably the most hard working person i know. he's so dedicated to being successful one day that he works so hard and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that possible. that's a plus in my book. its amazing how shy i can be, even over the internet. he'll post something that i like on his page, and i'll even be too shy to reply back. u no idea how many times i've written something then deleted it cuz i was too shy to post it. he's gorgeous. i dont even have a shot against these cali girls. anyway, im so busy with work and school during the week, that a majority of the time i dont even know what day it is. the weekends i spend it running errands. i wish that i could just concentrate in school. ive been feeling really tired lately. everyday actually. im not sure if its because ive been stressed and working myself like crazy so im just wearing myself out maybe? who knows. its also a good thing though, because it keeps me busy, which means i have less time to worry. nobody knows this, but every night before i go to bed i pray to god. for my family and friends. i really care more about them then myself. they're the reason im living. i pray and thank god for protecting them. i thank god for blessing me and my family and friends. and every night i ask for forgiveness. why? because im not perfect. im sure i make mistakes everyday. i just want forgiveness for my sins. i wish i was closer to my mom or grandma. but im not. and we just dont have that type of relationship. i wish that we could build that type of relationship. but we can't. she doesn't listen. and i can't change her. so it's gotten a little bit easier w/o my roommate and her daughter. probably because i'm never home anyways and im always busy. but when i am home, i miss them. i talked to sadie today and it made me wanna cry. i told her i missed her and loved her. u get used 2 seeing someone everyday. and its hard when they leave. so the other day i was on my ex's myspace. please dont ask me why i was. i dont know why. im a fool. and his relationship status says single. weird. because its always said in a relationship. hes been with tha same girl for the past 2 yrs now i think. it made me think. but hes still got all their pics up. yet on his twitter i seen pics of him w/ a different girl. who knows. it hurts to look, but i do it anyway. dont really know why. 3 yrs later, and sometimes it still hurts to think about how we ended things, or what we had. so i try not to. which is why i keep myself busy. so i dont have think about bs crap like that. deep down, i really hope he's happy. its hard for me to really hate anyone. even if they've done me wrong. its just, i want to be happy too. i really cant remember the last time i was. all that love, happiness stuff doesnt really exist to me anymore. life kinda seems incomplete w/o it at times. i can have my ways with guys if i wanted to. i can have fun if i wanted to, but how fulfilling would that be? i would just be filling a void temporarily. deep down i'd still feel alone. i dont remember the last time i felt this alone. i know i have my friends and family. i can see them anytime if i wanted. just to have that company. because i know they'll always be there for me til the end. but if u really think about it, deep down, we're all alone. u see couples who have been together for a lifetime, 20, 30, 4o yrs and still get divorced. what does that tell u. and u become dependent on that person, u break up, and ur left w/ nothing. ive been down that road. which has taught me to become more independent. which is why i disagree a lot about the whole cohabiting thing w/ a guy. ive already done it. i cant do it again. i need my own space. i wouldn't get anything done. i want him to have his own life. and my own life. doesn't mean that we can't make time for us. but u need ur own lives, ur own friends, so if something happens ur not left w/ nothing. u gotta look out for urself in the end. but what do i know, ive only been in one serious relationship my whole life, and dated a million losers. i wouldn't be surprised if i ended up alone and adopting a kid. we'll see where life takes me.whatever it is, i'm ready for it.

sad

i need to get up @ 5:45 am tomorrow so i'm gonna make this a short one. i've been sitting here looking at my book for the last hour and haven't gotten anything done. i'm horrible at studying. i dont know how people go 2 the library for hours and just sit there and read a boring book about chemistry or something. its hard for me to focus especially on something that i don't enjoy. but shit needs 2 get done. so tonight is my first night w/o my roommate and her daughter. and its hard. good news?i went the whole day without crying. lol. yesterday was so hard for me. i really wanna cry just thinking about it. no matter how much i drown myself in my work and school, deep down if something's bothering me, at the end of the day it hits me when i have any free time to actually think about it. so my bff's family had her going away party for her yesterday. u guys know me. i'm not very sociable. lol. never have been. im pretty quiet, and shy, the loner girl. plus all i could think about was them leaving today. at the end of the night, vp tells me that sadie's not coming home w/ me and she's staying w/ her sister that night so vp can clean the apt and her room. so basically i had 2 say bye 2 sadie in front of her entire family and everyone saw me cry my dam eyes out. how embarrassing. i told her how much i love her and that i'm gonna miss her. its sad, because she's so young and she has no idea she's not gonna see any of us for a while. she's like, susan, why are u crying. i told her, because i'm not going to see u anymore. she said, why? i said, because ur moving to new mexico. i couldn't stop crying. cried on the way home. cried before going to bed, crying now. ugh. it hit me hard because they're basically family. its one thing to be best friends for 10 yrs, then to live together for the past year and half. u grow even closer. saying bye to my best friend this morning was hard. there was a million things i had to say to her. and when it came down to it, all i said was, im gonna miss u guys. and don't become a stranger. and i told her i'll most likely become an alcoholic. surprisingly i didn't cry. i remember when i was at her party last night, every1 made me feel so much worse. every other person was asking me, "so whats going to happen to u now" what are u gonna do? i feel like we were the kids in superbad. whats going to happen to u guys? is this the end? what the hell people. i really dont think me and veronica were gonna live together for the rest of our lives.lol. i very much dislike goodbyes. i really wanted 2 stay late at work today cuz i really didn't wanna come home to an empty apt. there's nothing in my living room besides my tv and dining room table. i walked into her room and it was so empty. sad. its too quiet in here. i miss sadie so much.i really wonder what my friend is thinking. i wonder if she's sad? you'd think i'd know how shes feeling after knowing her for 10 yrs. but she's unpredictable. i need 2 get a puppy..

end of an era

everytime i think of my best friend moving away i think of that episode of friends where rachel moves out because chandler moves in with monica. i cant believe how much has changed and that this is really happening. work and school has been doing an awesome job at keeping my mind preoccupied so i dont have to think of it as much. but in the back of my mind its still there. in probably two weeks or less my best friend and her daughter are moving away. it makes me so sad just to think about it. people always tell me, how do u think we felt when u left. yes i understand that. but she had someone. she wasnt alone. yes i have my friends. but in the end, u really only have urself if u really think about it. i have friends, but there are days that i go without talking to anyone. sometimes i go weeks without seeing anyone. my bff said something to me at one point that really made me think. she said that, susan, if it wasnt for u, a lot of friendships would’ve been left in the dust. u always make the initiative to keep in touch with people or hang out with people even if they just leave u hanging. which is true. i think a big part of it is because i dont have many friends, so the ones that i do have, i cherish the friendship a lot. when u get into a relationship, u tend to get so wrapped into it, u forget about ur friends or u dont talk or see them as much. and im not saying im no angel. because ive definitely been there. but i think ive learned my lesson. ur friends are always gonna be there for u in the end. whos there for u through ur breakups? whos the one to comfort u when ur crying or sad? anyway, i really am sad to see my best friend leave. its a 10 yr friendship. shes the one person that i can talk to about anything. shes one of those friends that when its dead silent, its not awkward. or the one where i can just sit around with and do nothing. we’ve both changed a lot. gone a long way. i think this will really change things. i’ve moved around a lot since i was younger. and its always been so hard for me to keep in touch with my friends. i still really try to keep in touch with a lot of friends but its not the same. u just lose touch. u talk like once every few months. if even that much. or u send a text here and there. or u leave a comment. its definitely not the same. and thats what im afraid of. other than that, ive never really lived by myself before. we’ve been roommates for a yr and a half now maybe? its scary but at the same time, exciting. u know how u see those people, who are popular, and theyre always surrounded by people. yea im definitely not one of those. even on my birthday. i was surrounded by people who cared enough about me to celebrate with me. and deep down, i still felt so lonely and sad. that feeling has been stuck with me for so long now. thats where work comes in. but, your work should be something ur passionate about and like doing, not a place u go to when ur love life sucks. i guess i dont really have a choice. i just deal with it one day at a time. its amazing how much ur emotions can come out when ur drunk. i dont think she sees it the way i see it. it probably means more to me then it does to her. i think she sees it as, oh im going to start a new life with my fiance. its new and exciting. she doesnt see it as leaving all her friends and family and life behind. anyway, ill live. im out.

strength..

i think strength is something that i desperately need right now. i never have time to write anymore. its disappointing. and i'll have less time once school starts in a few days. so anyway, once again.. another one bites the dust. all good things come to an end once again. what can i say about it. i'll be honest. i think i really felt something real w/ this one. and i havent felt that way about anyone for a while. a guy that actually feels the same way about u that u feel about him? that seems so rare nowadays. trust me. i know. at times i felt like i wore the pants in this relationship. i felt like he was competing with me and he was insecure. he was different. he didn't have a myspace or twitter, or facebook. he didn't have friends that are girls. which is a plus in my book. BUT, i felt like he made me feel horrible for having a myspace. or he would trip every time i said i would hang out w/ one of my homies. i cant deal w/ that. u either trust me or u dont. i havent given u any reason not to trust me. one time i went 2 dinner w/ my sister, her bf and one of her homies. i told him about it and he was like that sounds like a double date. r u kidding me right now? who flips about something like that? we would live in this fantasy world where everything was perfect and shit, yall know how that goes. the whole honeymoon stage. then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the next day, he would go off on me. this very last time it happened, i couldnt deal w/ it anymore. he told me i was stubborn, selfish, i only cared about myself, i didnt care about his feelings. i asked him what do u mean, when have i not cared about ur feelings? his answer? i dont know. i dont remember. what!!?? how can u be mad at me for something that u dont even remember? does that make any sense? when i told him i couldnt do this anymore and that im done, his words were, ur missing out. this guy was pretty much yelling at me on the phone. and this isn't the first time. i'm sorry, but i think that anything can be settled calmly. there's no reason for yelling. that's one of my pet peeves. i really hate it when people yell at me. there's really no need for that. does any of this sound healthy to anyone? i told him he was hurting my feelings. his words were, stop blaming me for everything, and stop acting like the victim. how can i be with someone who talks to me like this? this whole situation cut me deeply because i really felt something for the guy. and i tried to be optimistic and gave him a second chance. and that's what happened. which proves, people dont change. he apologized profusely to me later that night, and the next day. i told him, whats the point. i cant deal w/ this bs anymore. im done. u had a bad day? thats no excuse. im not ur punching bag. find another girl to be ur punching bag. its crazy cuz this guy would be telling me EVERYDAY, how much he liked me, missed me, & all these things he loved about me. every dam day. i was a bit shocked. cuz ive never met a guy who was so open about how he felt about me. and me, i was like a closed book, locked up, and wouldn't give him the key. because it made me feel vulnerable. he told me he loved me. not once. but 3 times. and would try 2 play it off and be like, no, i didnt mean that, it just slipped out. im not really sure how that shit just "slips out" 3 times. then he started to tell me, i love YA. im not sure what that means, but the word love was in there. i didn't really know how 2 take that. especially since i definitely wasnt there yet. not even close. or maybe because i haven't had the feeling for so long, i dont even know what it would feel like anymore. i remember the last guy i was with, after we broke up, he kept blowing me up. pretty much every dam month, wanting to get back together. and i would give him the same answer. no and why do u still have my number? at one point he told me he loved me. i was with him for a month. whats up w/ these guys? i dont get it. love is such a strong word to me. it takes a lot for me to say it. its not something that i take lightly either. but anyway, i dont think ive been dealing with this thing very well. ive been sad, and depressed. and mainly hurt more than anything. and tired. tired of starting over. yet again. for the millionth time. i have 2 put on this fake smile everyday bc im tired of people asking me what's wrong. bc deep down its killing me. i miss him. and i miss having someone to talk to. i miss waking up next to him. i miss him making me coffee while i get ready for work. i miss watching the news w/ him every morning before i go 2 work. then i think about him yelling at me, pretty much calling me a slut, putting me down, and everything else that sabotaged our relationship. its a shame. and a waste. i dont regret anything. i never do. its all an experience. u take a chance and u hope for the best. i have 2 do whats best for myself. no matter how much it hurts.

new...

its been a month now. probably. this one is definitely different and confusing. some days are very good. other days i second guess everything. i just realized how much of an over analyzer i am. and how paranoid i get. especially when it comes to guys. i've been talking 2 this guy for probably about a month now. not many people know about him yet cuz i myself dont even know what direction it's heading in. and i won't tell anyone about it until i know more. this blog is a way for me to express myself. not many people know about this. and i tend 2 keep it that way. i tend 2 express my feelings on here a lot. when somethings on my mind, or i'm upset about something, this is where i go. anyway. when i say it's confusing it's because it is. i really don't know what 2 expect from this one. and he really is different. i think we actually talked for a few weeks before we even went on our first date. and the first date was pretty fun. we got 2 know each other a lot. its crazy, bc he tends to ask me a lot of personal questions. very detailed questions. and since i dont know him as well as i want to, i tend to hold a lot of things back. and some of his questions really catch my off guard so i never know what to say. after our first date we continued to talk for a while. and had our second date on friday. it went well. we don't get 2 see each other as much as we both want because we both have crazy schedules. him especially. and what else is different from him? he doesn't text. ever. thank god! i hate it when guys just text me non stop. this one will actually pick up the phone and call me. usually every day. or every night i should say. i never hear from him during the day. which makes me wonder. he tells me, u dont have 2 worry and just because u dont hear from me, doesn't mean i'm not thinking about u. u know, the usual thing u hear. he's also different because I'M actually the one who hollered at him first, he calls me, but i actually called him after our first date, and call him every now and then. something that i would never typically do. ever. i dont call guys. i dont like to. i believe that's their job. anyway, this guy really makes me think. he's told me plenty of times how much he's really into me. i mean, REALLY into me. i've told him how i felt. not entirely. bc once again, i'm not ready 2 let him completely in. but whatever i tell him, it sounds like it's not the answer he's looking for. he asked me what we were. what are we? i told him, we're "talking". that's my term for it. mainly cuz i don't like using the term "dating". it's too general. theres only two things in my book. talking, and in a relationship. and we're talking. a lot. i'm actually surprised that it's gone on for this long. but anyway, i don't think he likes that "label". but that's all i can give him for now. because i dont know. its only been a month. i can't determine anything after 2 dates. of course i would want it to go further and hopefully lead to something more serious. but only time can tell. and im just going w/ the flow for now. but there are moments where i don't hear from him and i question things. u cant build trust if the person doesn't give u something to work with. things like, not hearing from him, or saying hes gonna call me, but doesnt til two days later. what am i supposed 2 think about that? i usually let the little things slide bc it's too early 4 me to fuss over the little stuff. good thing he's not into the whole social networking crap. or not that i know of at least. that's another plus too. i dont wanna have 2 worry about. we all know facebook and myspace ruins lives. to be continued...

me

so it's been almost a month since i've written anything. but like always, i always have so much on my mind. i've been spending a lot of time by myself which has given me a lot of time to think about things. first off, work is going well. we started this new system that my boss has created. and had like a 2 hour meeting. and for the first time in 2 yrs i actually felt like i was a big asset to the company. like my position actually meant something. and it felt good. for a long time i didn't feel like i have job security and that i felt kinda left out of a lot of things. mainly cuz i'm the youngest one at my company so they overlook that. but just because i'm the youngest doesn't mean i dont know anything. i've been with my company the longest and i've moved up a lot and have a better understanding in a lot of things. i think that i've gained a lot of experience. but i still feel overlooked at times. whatever i do in work, or anything sometimes it never feels like enough. no matter how hard i work. its not enough. im a fighter. and at times i dont think i portray myself as that and people underestimate me, but i like a challenge and i love proving them wrong. anyway, school is sick. im taking this class, and thank god it's online. but i didn't realize how difficult it would be. im barely passing. which scares me because i need this class. and i cant afford not to pass another class. this next week is the last week of the class. so this is for all the marbles. my love life, once again is non existent. i started talking to this guy a few weeks ago, and it was going well, then bam, all of a sudden out of nowhere i didn't hear from him again. & im not one of those girls whos gonna be blowing up a guy's phone if i dont hear from him. fuck that. u get deleted if i dont hear back from u. whats the point of keeping ur number. if a guy likes u, he will do something about it. let him pursue u. not the other way around. anyway, since that day i haven't been able 2 get it out of my head why he never called me back. ive been going through ever dam conversation and every little thing that happened and cant come up with a conclusion why he just never called me again. and i'm pretty upset about it. because i thought we both liked each other. and i've never had a guy blow me off so badly with no explanation. at least be a man and tell me to my face why. i can take it. our first date, went really well. our second date went well too. after that he called me everyday and texted me. told me how much he liked me so much, and really saw this going somewhere, and that he missed me everyday. at the same time, i was thinking the same thing, but i wouldn't tell him that, but i would also be thinking, really? after 2 dates? that's how u feel about me? is that possible? is this for real? we live far from each other so the only time we could hang out was on the weekends. so after our second date on a sunday, he pretty much had the next weekend planned out for us. told me he took off saturday to spend time w/ me. he even asked me to go to his work party with him, that wasn't even until another month away. and to me, i think that's something u ask someone that ur really into. so friday rolls around, and we had plans 2 go to the movies. he tells me his kid is sick but she's doing a lot better and his ex is picking her up that afternoon. never even mentioned our date. so later i asked him, so did u still wanna go. and he says well my daughter is getting sick again so i might cancel. first of all, he just said she was doing better AND his ex is picking her up, so wtf? so i was like ok whatever. thats what he told me after HE planned our whole weekend out. then he texts me after work telling me to go to his side of town instead for drinks. what kind of date is that? i told him i had other plans, and i never heard from him again. so can someone explain to me where it went wrong? i really dont get it. and im pretty upset, because i want answers. i want an explanation. and most importantly, im so tired of dating. why? because i keep getting the same results. it never works out and then i have 2 start over every time. i was just thinking about this whole dating thing, and how all it is is just a game. and it pisses me off. because i wanna just get straight to the point. if u like me, do something about it. and thats it. people, especially guys like to play games, because it makes it more interesting. thats my opinion at least. and the worst part, i think he's dating someone else already. im pretty upset about this whole situation. that whole weekend all i did was drink and went through every little conversation and thing to figure out why. anything and everything pretty crossed my mind. it coulda been a major number of things. who really knows. oh, on another note... my ex calls me and has been texting me telling me that he pretty much regretted breaking up w/ me and that he LOVED me. thats right, the L word. i was speechless. i dont think its love, i think his emotions r taking over. i told him, i cant do this anymore. all we did was fight and i cant do the long distance thing anymore. a part of me wants to. but that wouldn't be the right thing to do. it would be for all the wrong reasons. i usually dont believe in second chances. its gonna take a lot more than a couple words for me to change my mind. do something about it. action speaks louder than words right? alright im out. got shit to do.

untitled...

um...its been a lot of mixed feelings lately. weird. so many thoughts, yet i always have the same problem. can never get any of it down on paper when i finally have the time. at this exact moment, im feeling this empty/lonely feeling. i've been feeling it a lot lately. i haven't felt it in a while. probably because when i have school i don't have time to deal with this bs. well first off let's start off with school. what a major disappointment this semester. i'm very disappointed in myself. extremely. not only did i not try hard enough. but now i'm gonna have 2 pay for the consequences. i didn't pass one of my classes so this will be the 2nd class that i'm gonna have 2 retake. & the worst part is i didn't pass it by 2%. not only that, i passed my other classes. but i'm not happy with my grades. which means now my gpa is lower. now i have to work twice as hard this summer & fall semester. what's worst is i went 2 talk 2 my advisor and it turns out, even with my summer classes, & this fall semester, i'll still need 36 units to graduate. which is like a year & a half. the most frustrating part to me is that i should've been done w/ this bs by now. but what happened? i cared more about guys and partying at the time. so now i'm paying for it. some of my friends say that sometimes i'm too hard of myself. maybe i am. but then at the same time it's motivation to do better. this takes me 2 another point. im in school with a full load & working 40 hours or more a week. i really don't know how people do it. its a struggle for me. but it keeps me busy. so its a hate love relationship. i was lucky enough to get a break for the past few weeks bc my summer classes start this tuesday. its so weird having a break bc i'm so used 2 being stressed and having work to do, and not getting sleep every night. now that i don't have that stuff to worry about it gives me more time to think about everything else that's going on in my life and how i really feel. & i don't like having that free time. summer school starts on tuesday and i have homework already. i'm kind of worried about it already because i know it's going to be a tough one. so i'm really nervous about it. anyway, so the other day i was getting ready for work and at the same time watching tv w/ my roommate's daughter. i was saying bye to her and telling her i love her cuz i'm not gonna see her for the next 4 days. & out of nowhere it hit me hard that in a few months i'm not gonna see her everyday anymore. i almost shed a tear. i've grown to love her more & more everyday like she's my own niece. her & her mother r practically family. it's gonna hard saying bye to them when they move away. and i try not to think about it much cuz deep down i think it's gonna hit me hard when the day comes. and now i know how she felt when i left az. anyway, this is the 1st time i've had a 3 day weekend for who knows how long. and it sucks that i don't even get to do anything. everyone decided to do their own thing this weekend. the one time i actually have some free time to go out. this is what i meant when i said, having all the money in the world doesn't mean anything if u don't have anyone to share it with. and a majority of the time i don't. i don't mean a relationship exactly, but a lot of times i feel like i have to work around everyone else's schedule. when it should be mutual. not one sided. i have money to travel, or do whatever, but it doesn't matter if there's no one to do it with. i look back to when i first moved here and see how much has changed. there are different things on the line now, and things that are so important to me now that weren't before. anyway, so my love life. is non existent. seriously. im not kidding. i think it's mainly bc i'm tired of dating. i just wanna skip the whole thing & jump into the relationship. bc the dating part is so complicated and long. " how do u feel about me, where is this going," blah blah blah. i still get messages from guys asking me out every now & then and i never respond. i think i haven't been because i'm just so tired of dating. or maybe im just afraid. when u start dating for a while, and u keep getting the same results, even though u go for different guys, u tend to get tired of the whole thing. i'd rather die alone then be with the wrong person, or someone's gonna treat me badly. & the worst part is, my mom puts a lot of pressure on me to get married and have kids. just cuz my sister had one, does that mean i have to have one now? doesnt exactly work that day. 3 questions she asks me everytime i come home is, when r u gonna get married, or do u have a boyfriend, when are u gonna have kids, and when are u gonna be done w/ school? its the most irritating thing in the world. i try not 2 let it get to me. but it's kinda hard when she bugs me about it everytime i come home to visit. which isnt often thanks to those remarks. in her eyes, it's so important to be in a relationship, bc apparently i need a rich guy to take care of me. sorry mom. i don't need anything. u depend on a guy too much, and u break up, then what happens? i put on a smile every single day. but 60-70% of the time, there's something bothering me. but it's stays in the back of my mind. & sometimes it all gets bottled up and ends up exploding at some point later on. which is why i like staying busy. because it means i don't have time to worry about what's really bothering me. i never understood people who say they're bored all the time. we have a millions of things to do in this world. even if i ever do have free time, i'm always doing something. it's called being productive. life's too short to sit around & do nothing. u can't let it pass u by. life's too short to be worrying, angry, sad all the time. i should be taking my own advice. if u take things for granted, or made mistakes and u get a second chance at it? grab it. because how often does that happen? its like when u fall. do u just sit there? or do u get back up? no one ever got anywhere by sitting still and doing nothing. make a difference.

blank...

so i'm sitting here listening to this new song by radiohead i just downloaded. if u guys know me, i'm mostly into hip hop, r&b and the occasional techno. radiohead is definitely different from anything ive ever heard before. i like the music more than the lyrics. its kinda hard for me to hear the lyrics. the music is actually kind of depressing but i like it. different. anyway, so i've had a lot on my mind lately. but i dont really have much time to write all of it since i should be doing my paper. finals are stressing me out badly. dont be surprised if u guys start seeing me w/ gray hair. u'll know why. anyway, was at my mom's house and she read my fortune. yes she's a psychic. she's pretty accurate. and i believe her. at least 80% of the time. anyway, a majority of the time she always tells me the same thing. that i miss someone. if u know me well, u probably know who's she's talking about. but i'll elaborate on that a little bit later if i have time. she tells me, u got this guy who likes u, and this guy, and this guy. and she can see what they look like and estimate how old they are. and if they live near here. she asks me u have all these guys who like u but i dont understand why u dont have a bf. which is so important to her for some dam reason that i could never understand. i might have all these guys that like me, but they're not the RIGHT guy. do u really want me to be w/ someone who treats me badly? or uses me? or hurts me? i've been thinking a lot about whether i've made the right choices. like what would've happened if i didn't move back here? would things have worked out if i stayed there? how bout if i worked things out w/ the other one? maybe we gave up too easily. maybe we didn't try hard enough. the other night i was talking to my roommate about it. and alcohol was involved, lol. so i got a bit emotional. and everything started pooring out. i asked her, how bout if i didn't make the right decision? i care enough about them enough to want them to be happy even though they've hurt me badly. it's hard for me to see them happy, but deep down that's what i want for them which shows how much i cared for them at one point. but i want to be happy too. i think a lot of things that are leading me to feel this way is because everyone close to me right now is having kids, getting married, done w/ school, etc. and i'm just stuck. i feel left behind and not getting closer to that point. i'm happy and ecstatic for each one of my friends. but at the same time i feel empty. it's been a very empty feeling lately. the more and more i think about it, the more and more it makes me sad that everyone's moving forward. and im just stuck. i know, i'm not trying to live in the past and i can be honest and say that i've grown a lot in the past 3 years. i've learned to be strong, or at least put on a strong exterior. but that doesn't mean i don't think about it sometimes. the "what if" i think we all think about it. my mom basically tells me i won't get into anything serious for years. i don't doubt it. and she said i've been through so many "break ups". she said that there's 2 guys that are going to enter the picture soon. 1 is young, lives kinda far, dark i think. the other is older, lives close and is light. whatever that means. she also reads my palm., reading ur palm is entirely different than getting ur cards read. reading ur palm is basically an outline of ur entire life. ur cards are basically what's going to happen in the near future. anyway, school is stressing me the hell out. this week and next week is gonna be brutal. finals. to top it off i need to have my 2nd surgery soon for my arm. it's so irritating sometimes. alright, time to get started. to be continued...

here goes nothing...

i usually really don't like writing when i'm under the influence, because it's when i'm the most vulnerable & have my guard down the most. anyway, i haven't really written anything because there's not much 2 write about. pretty much nothing is really going on in my life except for school & work. i'm trying hard 2 catch up on school & keep my grades up. but since january/february they've been suffering.i'm pretty much really scared & worried at this point. and to be honest i dont know if i'm going to pass. i think april 11 is the last day 2 withdraw from classes completely. but i'm not going to. i'm just going to stay in them & try my hardest and take whatever grade i get. cuz i have 2 deal with that since it's my own fault. i'm very disappointed in myself. mainly bc i let a guy/relationship disrupt my concentration w/ school. actually i shouldn't really blame any1. because i made my own choices. but its still a disappointment. because it's gonna put me behind even more. which is what really pisses me off. ok so i'm trying 2 think about what's usually on my mind. the main subjects? school, work, family, friends, guys. lately it's been school though. mainly cuz i'm really worried about it. i just really can't concentrate or focus this semester. i tried to but i just can't. anyway, i've been thinking about work a lot lately. mainly cuz that's all i ever do besides school. i've been thinking about more than usual. cuz i had a bad day the other day. which i know, does tend 2 happen here& there. i fucked up on a client's account. & my boss saw it & talked 2 me about it. he's cool. he's very understanding, & i've been w/ the company for two years now. but when i make a mistake, its huge, it affects a lot. the thing with mistakes at work is, u learn from them, fix them, & hopefully it doesn't happen again. its a disappointment though, cuz i've been doing this shit for two years so it shouldn't have even happened in the first place. anyway, that night, i ended up having a bad dream & couldn't even sleep. i had this dream where my boss rehired this girl that they let go & told me 2 train her on everything that i do cuz she was going 2 take my place. i was devastated. in reality, i've learned 2 like my job. shocker huh? how many people can really say that about their job? its really a love hate relationship. u either have good days, or really bad days. & those r the days where i get some really bad clients calling in & bitching at me. its ok though, cuz i can take it. its more like a challenge than anything & i just deal w/ it. i think about the future though cuz i wonder what i'm going 2 do when i finish school. unless i get a really big promotion, i'll have 2 eventually get a job that fits my degree & will be my career. it's hard, because i've grown w/ this company and built a relationship with it. but i'm not really thinking that far ahead yet. even though i've been with the company for that long i still get worried. sometimes i still feel like i dont have job security. just because of how the economy is nowadays. it'd be a piece of cake for them 2 replace me if they really wanted 2. so i usually watch the news every morning b4 work or school & i see all this stuff going on. i usually dont like watching it at all cuz it's depressing. it's not like they ever report anything good. i'm seeing all these tsunamis' happening, earthquakes, etc. and it scares me. not to mention makes me sad. which brings me back 2 the question: why do bad things happen 2 good people. for example, haiti. haven't they suffered enough? after haiti, it was chili, then turkey, taiwan, l.a., now manila. so i ask why? it really scares me. all these countries getting hit with 6.0+ earthquakes. it scares me cuz i wonder if 2012 is real now. and if it's coming sooner than we think. we even had a tornado touch down in az. l.a. got hit w/ a 4.0 recently and it's been heard that they're gonna get hit w/ a really big one in the near future. & that scares me. bc its close to us & i have family & friends there. when i heard all the hype about 2012. i got scared & didn't know what 2 think or believe. then my friend reassured me that it's a myth & the calendar just restarts. but now with everything going on, i'm unsure. & it scares me bc i'm not ready 4 everything 2 end. i need my family & friends in my life. i want & need 2 finish school, i want to have a family & get married one day. we all have dreams & goals that we want 2 accomplish. there's been parts of me that just want 2 just quit it all & travel or move 2 a foreign country. my goal was 2 finish school then move 2 l.a. my homegirl said something 2 me that's really stuck in my head. she said that, "susan, i dont think u'll ever leave cuz u dont wanna leave ur nephew behind, or ur family, friends." i agree. it's hard enough 4 me 2 be away from my nephew for a few days. let alone months. & my family & friends mean the world 2 me. they are my world. they're number 1 on my list. i dont even know if they know that. but they are. but i also have 2 think about myself. what's going 2 make me happy. and what's that? having my degree, & moving 2 l.a. having a bomb ass place along the beach along w/ an awesome job 2 go w/ it. i dont believe i'll be happy til i have all that. a majority of my time or day i spend it stressing, or worrying. i know, it's not good, but that's my life. i live a very busy life. i like being busy. for example, i'm actually free on weekends. i spend it going 2 church & getting errands done. i spent the day by myself 2day. i tend 2 go shopping A LOT during the weekend. & having my alone time 2day made me think about how i actually kinda wanna work on saturdays just so i dont spend it shopping. i dont wanna work the whole day. but a few hours would do it for me. i should prolly spend on school work since i'm already behind. but i just can't. i'm a horrible procrastinator. & probably always will be. i work better under pressure. i can't write anymore, or i wont stop.

wants/needs

so i've been thinking a lot about what i want , what i need, etc. relationship wise. it's hard because if u were to ask me. my answer would be i really don't know and couldn't tell u. after my last "relationship" i really don't know what i want anymore. it made me lose a lot of focus in a lot of things. everytime i get hurt or a guy does me wrong, it makes me put my guard up even more. so who should i thank for that? anyway, it's like half and half. half of me still wants a relationship eventually. the other half not really. i don't really know. it's so hard to explain. i miss having someone to talk to so much. i think about him sometimes. and it just hurts. so i try hard not to. i miss having the comfort and feeling secure w/ a guy. i miss feeling protected, introducing a bf, having someone there for me on my bad days. someone 2 bring me soup when i'm sick, someone to call me just to hear my voice. it's all the little stuff. and then the other half... i dont know. it's not even about living the single life at all. i don't really even know if i want to date anymore. i'm just frustrated from the whole thing, im starting to feel that it's hopeless and a waste of time. maybe because it keeps ending the same way. which is the fact that it ends. part of me wants to just be alone for a while. this also made me lose a lot of focus in school. which i think is what bugs me the most. i'm very disappointed in myself this semester and everytime i think about it, it pisses me off even more. i'm not saying i regret anything or would take any of it back. because i wouldn't. but i did lose focus. and to be honest, i dont' even know if i'm going to pass my classes this semester. that's how bad it is. i'm trying so hard to catch up on all my work but it's not going well. and it scares me a lot because i can't be behind any more then i already am. because then it'll change what i had planned. last semester i worked so hard, and i was so proud of myself because i did so well. i gave up partying, and didn't have a bf and ended up almost getting a complete B average. it's a very good feeling. so u can see why i'm so disappointed in myself this semester. i have to be hard on myself. and i have to push myself. otherwise i won't get anything done. i'm still on the edge about everything. i get these messages from guys everyday telling me everything i want to hear. what do i do with them? i delete them. i read everything i get and take it to heart. but i delete everything. what do i think about them? i almost feel bad for not replying. because at least these guys r taking a chance. but a part of me is like what's the point? i'm so tired of it all. maybe this is just the pain that i'm still feeling talking. who knows. if u were to look in my head right now, u would see a huge sign that says successful. and my hand reaching out trying to grab it. i keep trying and trying but i can't reach it because it's so far away. it's really hard for me to be happy right now. happiness is an emotion that doesn't really exist in my life often. it's a very small percentage. i would say it's 30% stress, 30% worry, 30% overwhelmed, 5% busy, & 5% happy. yes i know. it doesn't sound healthy. but that's the way i live my life. i keep myself busy all the time. i don't really have a choice. school & work take up my life. and if i'm lucky enough on some days i get to see my family & friends. i miss my nephew everyday. and the more and more i think about it, the more and more i'm sad that i don't spend enough time w/ him. i feel like i'm not a very good godmother or aunt for that matter. god blessed me w/ an amazing nephew. but on most days all i can think about is school. and what assignment i have to do next. or what's due next. then again, i think about everything going on in the world, with Haiti, and Chile. and i think about how fortunate i am in the end. the more i think about it though the more sad it makes me. i just can't believe all of this is happening. which brings me back to the question of why do bad things happen to good people. i never understood that. because i feel that they don't deserve it. what did they do to deserve that? it's very unfortunate. life is so short if u really think about it. how did 25 years already pass me by. why am i not where i wanted to be? what is it going to take to get me there? is another 25 years just going to pass me by? everyday i always think that there's never enough time in a day. it's already 9 pm and all i can think about is school. all my assignments i have to do by next week, my exam next week, my classes that i have tomorrow, my work schedule tomorrow & what i need 2 do at work tomorrow. i wasn't kidding when the title of my blog on here says in an average day i have a million thoughts. in reality, it's probably more than that....

1 day at a time..

whoever said breakups are easy are full of crap. it doesn't matter how long you've been w/ the person. it's still hard no matter what. so it just happened on monday but it all started since i got back home last week. i'm not going to write out what happened exactly or all the details. mainly cuz i don't really want 2 broadcast it to the world and i doubt he would appreciate that either. i wouldn't like it if he did it either. either way, i'm not really ready to talk about the whole thing anyway. with anyone really. the only person who really knows what happened is my roommate. & that's only cuz she lives w/ me. anyway, so our main problem in the relationship i would have 2 say is communication. it was really hard. and in the beginning we lacked a lot of it. i thought it got better since we worked on it more, but in the end,i guess not. long distance relationships are hard. i never really believed in em. when i see other people in them, i always think i hope it works out for them, but i dont see many that do. there's always a trust factor. i think what makes it hard for me is the fact that this was my first relationship in the last 3 yrs. i haven't really been with anyone or called anyone my bf since my last ex. i'm a very emotional type person which doesn't help the situation. i thought i grew stronger but apparently not strong enough. things went really bad last friday that i also started drinking since last thursday. the breakup made it worse. last saturday i started drinking from 11am-6 pm. since that day and the breakup i couldn't stop drinking. i know its not healthy and my body is suffering from it. but i just thought, the more i drink the less i'll think about it. but alcohol is just a temporary relief. because the next day the problem is still there. i finally stopped drinking yesterday when i saw my nephew. i haven't seen him in a week and it felt good 2 hold him. i knew i would start crying when i held him. i haven't really gone a day w/o crying yet. its been hard and ive been secluding myself from the world. i dont want to talk about it, see anyone, do anything. i have 2 photoshoots this weekend, and after that u wont see me like this again. dont be surprised if next time u see me i'll have purple or red head, and have it all chopped off. i talked to my mom today and she was like when are u gonna get married and have kids? i hope u find someone soon who will treat u good and so u can get married already and have kids. i was like wtf? can i finish school first? i dont know what i want anymore. after all this i dont even want to date anymore. i hate guys. i cant deal with this bs anymore. its so time consuming. & the biggest thing? i'm so disappointed in myself this semester. im struggling badly in all of my classes. its scary. i wish that i could start over. my days are so long, and i still feel like there's never enough time in a day. i wish that i could just come home from work everyday, hit the gym, and then turn on an nba game. i never even watch any of my fav. shows anymore. my life is just all about work and school. anyway, so how is it that guys deal with this stuff so easily? how is it that they get over someone so quickly. why is it always more painful for the girl? well then i wish i was a guy. i dont even like talking about it bc it just makes me want 2 cry. i think that just like any other relationship it makes u a stronger person and u just learn from it. so if i had a chance, would i change anything, or do it over? no. everything happens 4 a reason. if we were meant 2 be 2gether. then we would be. i can never find words when i finally have time 2 write. let go and move on i guess.

bad day..

everything's been going wrong since i got here. i'm happy that i finally get to spend time w/ him. and trying really hard not to let this stuff bother me but i cant help it. first off, when i got here and picked up my luggage only one of em came out. i must've been sitting there for like half an hour waiting for my luggage. so i went to customer service and was going to ask them about it. the minute i walked in, there it was. on the floor & open. apparently the zipper broke and my suitcase came apart. of course it happened to me. i was so upset. relieved that it could've been worse and lost. and im glad it wasn't. but still upset. i don't think i'm missing anything. but i just spent $70 the other day on another suitcase. im upset because this shouldn't have happened in the first place. excuse me, if im just blabbing away, but sometimes writing helps me feel better. that's if i can get the right words down. so anyway, then the next day my bf finds out that he ended up having to work friday, saturday and sunday. boy were we both upset. which means he's in a bad mood, and he feels hella bad, i'm in a bad mood, and i'm very upset and sad, bummed & disappointed. i should look on the brighter side, bc he works from 4am-12:30 pm, so im really sleeping during most of that time. but still, that could be time that he could be spending with me instead of working. what have we done since i got here? a whole lot of nothing so far. i'm being positive and thinking that it'll get better. oh u wanna hear more bad news. so yesterday i was being an idiot and going through my phone. and somehow accidentally locked it. i couldn't unlock it, which means i can't access anything on my phone. the menu, making calls, contacts, nothing. i can't get messages or phone calls either. i was so upset and worried. so i talked to tech support online & they're like u need a new sim card. so i go into the store and they got me a new sim card but they couldnt figure out the phone lock code so they said i had 2 call samsung. so i called samsung this morning & they said i gotta send in the phone to them or have at&t reflush the software, whatever that means. so i call at&t. was on the phone for almost an hour, to find out the same answer. gotta send the shit in. im so upset at this point. nothing is going right. today, im going back 2 at&t and asking them if my sim card is still usable and its just the phone that's locked. if that's the case, i might just get so upset and end up buying a whole new phone. the bf is very persistent about me getting an iphone. ive never liked the thing and always refused 2 get one. mainly cuz i think its way 2 high tech for me. and complicated. theres too much crap on there.mainly cuz i just need something that i can make phone calls, text & go online. thats it. i tried texting on the iphone once and was like wtf is this crap? its so hard. what if i got my nails done? i'd be fucked. anyway, so im finally here with my boyfriend, and somehow i still miss him. im really hoping that things get better. and i at least figure out this phone shit out. im seriously dying without my phone right now. i didn't realize how dependent on it i was until now.

unfocused?

its only been a few weeks since school started. and once again, everyday is a struggle 4 me. i thought last semester was hard. that was nothing compared to this. i feel like every semester it gets harder. i'm so stressed every single day that i'll probably be getting gray hair soon. i really wonder how people do this type of schedule. because i feel stressed and overwhelmed every single day. i don't want 2 sound like i'm complaining but people don't realize how intense it is. im working 40 hours and taking 15 credit hours at school. for those of you who don't know,that equals 5 classes. how do people do this? let me in on the secret on how you balance ur work. cuz it feels like there's a weight on my shoulders. i know it will pay off in the end but some days i just want to give up. but i keep telling myself that i can't. because i want 2 reach that goal one day that i've always had. otherwise i'll never be completely happy. this is what my schedule looks like. mondays, wake up @ 6:30 work 8-5, come home, shower, make dinner, & do homework. tuesdays, wake up @ 6:30 2 do hw, class from 9-10:15, work @ 11-4:45, class @ 5:40-8:30, visit the family for an hour or two. come home, shower, & homework. wednesdays, wake up @ 6:30, work 8-5, class @ 6:05-9:00, home, shower, dinner, homework. thursdays, wake up @ 6:30 for homework, class @ 9-10:15, work 11-5, visit the family, home, dinner, shower, homework, fridays wake up @ 6:30 then work all day. it's a never ending cycle. & people wonder why i don't party anymore. and the homework is insane. i have labs, quizzes, homework assignments due every week. sometimes i spend hours every night just on a few questions because it's so time consuming and hard. it's very overwhelming. sometimes i think that it's a good thing because it keeps me busy. but then again, i still worry the same amount, stress more, & get overwhelmed. people wonder why i drink during the week. my night ended on a depressing note earlier. i felt pretty depressed. if you go to my school u should know we have a major map and a dars report. i barely know anything about the two. each one lists the classes that u have to take for ur major. i always use my dars report. i looked @ my major map 4 the first time tonight, and i saw some completely different classes that weren't on my dars report. so now i'm stressed, and worried that i'm even more behind then i should be, and that i'm not taking the right classes. i need 2 talk 2 my advisor. not 2 mention, i didn't realize how much math i need 2 take. math is my weakest point. i've never been able 2 pass it. yet, i can't believe im majoring in business. it really worries me bc i struggle so much in it. my goal is 2 finish school in two years. now i'm wondering if that's still possible. no matter how hard i work. i don't want 2 give up, because that will just put me even further behind. and that's not an option. but on days like this, it puts me over the edge. i broke down earlier when i was driving home. because it was just all 2 much. & im worried that i'll never finish. very worried. i work so hard, yet i feel like i'm nowhere close to my destination. and it makes me so sad and angry @ the same time. i'm so frustrated.

on another note, the previous guy i was talking to... well that became official last month. crazy huh. everyone was shocked when they found out. like what? where did this come from? yea... it's a weird but good feeling. weird because i haven't been in a relationship for so long. good because i 4got what it was like 2 have someone in my life who really cares about me and likes me so much. we've been talking for a few months already but officially we've only been together for not that long. some things about him... he drives me crazy, he's funny, always makes me laugh, sociable, tough, passionate, etc. the hard part is he doesn't live here. i told myself i wouldnt ever do the long distance thing again. but he made me realize that just because it didn't work out the 1st time doesn't mean it won't work out this time. u won't know until u take a chance. crazy part is, he lives close 2 the same area my ex used 2 live in. crazy how that turned out huh? i cant stay away from those bay area fellas. anyway, yes, i get worried that it might turn out that way again, but i'm not going down the same path again, and he's right, life is short, u have to take a chance.there are days when we have "disagreements", but somehow it makes me miss him even more. he always wants me 2 be open w/ him and tell him how i feel and if i miss him. but idk, i feel like i can't open up completely with him yet. maybe im scared. or maybe because im not ready to yet. i don't like being open completely cuz then it makes me feel vulnerable and i feel exposed. i'll feel like he has me, and there's no more mystery to it. i'm not ready to let him completely in yet. trust is another really hard area. especially since we live in different states. it's easy 4 him 2 trust me. he has no reason not 2. he knows my schedule. i've never cheated on a guy & don't ever plan on it. i don't really see the point in it. i've always had a trust issue. not just with guys. with people in general. i've gotten hurt a lot which has caused me to put my guard up and build a wall. once ive known the person for a while and am comfortable w/ them, i'll let them in.anyway, i'm going to see him next week for 4 days. which is why im more stressed, bc i'm trying to get all my work done 4 this week & next week b4 i leave. cuz i dont want 2 have 2 worry about anything while i'm there. i have 2 tests when i get back so that's something else 2 worry about. its a weird but nervous feeling bc i haven't been back there since i left. i dont really know how i feel about it. it kind of brings back bad memories bc i have so much history there. but at the same time it's exciting, because i'm starting a new journey w/ someone new. it's a rush. i think i feel a little better after getting this shit out now. lets see if i can get some work done..

healing.. a slow process

so last month i went through the worst pain ever. physically. im really glad that i can actually use my arm now and type this. i went to vegas with my best friend for the weekend. everything was awesome until the minute we stepped into this one bar. the minute i stepped in i slipped on water, and fell on my elbow. all i remember is it hurt like hell. next thing i knew, somebody grabbed me and pulled me up. i think it was my best friend. the stupid bouncers were gonna kick me out cuz they thought i was drunk. so she explained to them what happened. we went outside and one of the bouncers gave me an ice pack. then sum of the cops called the ambulance. the paramedics didnt really do shit but give me another ice pack & put me in a sling. nobody helped me, no one that worked in the bar came out to see if i was ok. nothing. we went back home the next day. i just remember getting a throbbing pain every few minutes. i would just scream out of nowhere. the following monday i finally went 2 urgent care 2 see a doctor. they said it was broken. thats when the tears came down. i never even cried about the pain or when it happened. i cried when i found out it was broken. then they referred me over 2 an orthopedic surgeon. if u dont know, i DONT have health insurance. so i was paying for all this on my own. went 2 see the surgeon. and got more bad news. i needed surgery. i started crying again once they told me. the worst part was it was gonna cost me 5gs which i didnt have. so i couldnt do the surgery. so i went 2 see the same orthopedic surgeon that my grandma saw.this doctor told me the same thing. that i needed surgery. if i dont do it ill prolly never be able 2 move my elbow/arm again. because the bone is going 2 start healing in the wrong way. & all of this was already a week after the fall happened. good thing about this dr. was he takes payments. i had to go through ER since i didnt have insurance. which is prolly gonna cost me twice as much. if i went through outpatient it woulda cost me 5gs. but i didnt have the money & my mom didnt wanna help me. ER prolly cost me 10gs. who knows. i havent gotten the bill yet. my surgery was 2 days b4 new years. i remember being so nervous bc ive never been through surgery b4. all i remember is being in so much pain when i woke up from it. i was crying from the pain so much. they took me 2 a different room & i had 2 stay overnight. long story short, im healing. the worst part is over. i think about it everyday since it happened. u dont realize how much u depend on ur arm until something happens 2 it. i was so upset about the whole thing. but then i think about the good and bad and how it could've been a lot worse.anyway, on a brighter note, ive seen the doctor maybe a million times by now and been going to physical therapy. i can move it a lot more then before. but it still bothers me everyday and there's still certain things i cant do which ends up making me really frustrated. i cant put up my hair, i have 2 brush my teeth left handed. it's still hard for me 2 change shirts w/o it hurting. putting on a necklace, or doing my makeup. its very frustrating and i get so mad sometimes. but its such a slow healing process. and i can feel the pin that they put in my arm. i haven't really gone out since this happened. i still get scared to wear heels sometimes. im afraid of people bumping into my arm. or slipping & falling again. but u cant live life in fear. anyway, so my baby sister is turning 21 tomorrow actually. its crazy because she's always been a baby to me. probably always will be. its really hard for me seeing her grow up everyday. turning 21, having a son. i never looked forward 2 this day because i officially feel old. & reality's really hitting. i look back and remember how close we used 2 be, how we used 2 do everything 2gether, everything we've been through. & now we're both adults. where have the past 20+ years gone? if its gone by that fast how much more quickly is another 20+ yrs gonna go by. i dont even want 2 think about it. anyway, on 2 the good stuff. the love life. its just the same thing. non existent. like i really want 2 meet any1 right now w/ my arm like this. people really dont realize how hard it is 4 me 2 open up2 someone. i usually cant do it. not until im ready 2 and am comfortable enough w/ the person. because it makes me feel vulnerable and i feel like it exposes u. i blame all the guys that have hurt me in the past. i mean, i cant put the past on the new guys that i talk 2, bc its not their fault. but, i cant help the way i am. i get messages everyday from guys asking me out, telling me how hot i am, giving me their numbers, asking me y im single, etc. i almost never reply. why? ive heard it all, or maybe im scared. i dont really know. im starting 2 really get tired of it. why? because ive dated a lot of guys last year, and it all ended up being a waste of time. never turned into anything. so now im just tired of it. plus school is starting again, and im going to be super busy w/ that and work. the guy that im with needs 2 understand that. i live a busy life and school is my main priority. i need lots of focus when im in school. & i cant lose that or ill fall behind. i cant afford 2 fall behind again. there has been a new guy that ive been talking 2 lately. i cant really say much about it yet cuz i honestly dont know how i feel & dont know where its going yet. or maybe i just dont want 2 say. he makes me laugh, & i really like talking 2 him. the days that i dont talk 2 him. i miss him. saying that much already makes me feel vulnerable. i dont really even know how its possible 2 miss some1 that u've never met b4. & i say that bc he doesnt live here. which is another thing im worried about, bc ive done the long distance b4. & it didnt work out. which doesnt mean this one wont. but i do think about that a lot, and get scared. its a big chance. one of the problems in the last relationship, was that he wasnt willing 2 compromise. i cant be w/ some1 like that. relationships r supposed 2 be mutual. so right now, i just want 2 take things 1 day at a time. its basically how i live my life. i dont like talking about the future cuz i dont know whats going to happen. to be continued.