here goes nothing...

i usually really don't like writing when i'm under the influence, because it's when i'm the most vulnerable & have my guard down the most. anyway, i haven't really written anything because there's not much 2 write about. pretty much nothing is really going on in my life except for school & work. i'm trying hard 2 catch up on school & keep my grades up. but since january/february they've been suffering.i'm pretty much really scared & worried at this point. and to be honest i dont know if i'm going to pass. i think april 11 is the last day 2 withdraw from classes completely. but i'm not going to. i'm just going to stay in them & try my hardest and take whatever grade i get. cuz i have 2 deal with that since it's my own fault. i'm very disappointed in myself. mainly bc i let a guy/relationship disrupt my concentration w/ school. actually i shouldn't really blame any1. because i made my own choices. but its still a disappointment. because it's gonna put me behind even more. which is what really pisses me off. ok so i'm trying 2 think about what's usually on my mind. the main subjects? school, work, family, friends, guys. lately it's been school though. mainly cuz i'm really worried about it. i just really can't concentrate or focus this semester. i tried to but i just can't. anyway, i've been thinking about work a lot lately. mainly cuz that's all i ever do besides school. i've been thinking about more than usual. cuz i had a bad day the other day. which i know, does tend 2 happen here& there. i fucked up on a client's account. & my boss saw it & talked 2 me about it. he's cool. he's very understanding, & i've been w/ the company for two years now. but when i make a mistake, its huge, it affects a lot. the thing with mistakes at work is, u learn from them, fix them, & hopefully it doesn't happen again. its a disappointment though, cuz i've been doing this shit for two years so it shouldn't have even happened in the first place. anyway, that night, i ended up having a bad dream & couldn't even sleep. i had this dream where my boss rehired this girl that they let go & told me 2 train her on everything that i do cuz she was going 2 take my place. i was devastated. in reality, i've learned 2 like my job. shocker huh? how many people can really say that about their job? its really a love hate relationship. u either have good days, or really bad days. & those r the days where i get some really bad clients calling in & bitching at me. its ok though, cuz i can take it. its more like a challenge than anything & i just deal w/ it. i think about the future though cuz i wonder what i'm going 2 do when i finish school. unless i get a really big promotion, i'll have 2 eventually get a job that fits my degree & will be my career. it's hard, because i've grown w/ this company and built a relationship with it. but i'm not really thinking that far ahead yet. even though i've been with the company for that long i still get worried. sometimes i still feel like i dont have job security. just because of how the economy is nowadays. it'd be a piece of cake for them 2 replace me if they really wanted 2. so i usually watch the news every morning b4 work or school & i see all this stuff going on. i usually dont like watching it at all cuz it's depressing. it's not like they ever report anything good. i'm seeing all these tsunamis' happening, earthquakes, etc. and it scares me. not to mention makes me sad. which brings me back 2 the question: why do bad things happen 2 good people. for example, haiti. haven't they suffered enough? after haiti, it was chili, then turkey, taiwan, l.a., now manila. so i ask why? it really scares me. all these countries getting hit with 6.0+ earthquakes. it scares me cuz i wonder if 2012 is real now. and if it's coming sooner than we think. we even had a tornado touch down in az. l.a. got hit w/ a 4.0 recently and it's been heard that they're gonna get hit w/ a really big one in the near future. & that scares me. bc its close to us & i have family & friends there. when i heard all the hype about 2012. i got scared & didn't know what 2 think or believe. then my friend reassured me that it's a myth & the calendar just restarts. but now with everything going on, i'm unsure. & it scares me bc i'm not ready 4 everything 2 end. i need my family & friends in my life. i want & need 2 finish school, i want to have a family & get married one day. we all have dreams & goals that we want 2 accomplish. there's been parts of me that just want 2 just quit it all & travel or move 2 a foreign country. my goal was 2 finish school then move 2 l.a. my homegirl said something 2 me that's really stuck in my head. she said that, "susan, i dont think u'll ever leave cuz u dont wanna leave ur nephew behind, or ur family, friends." i agree. it's hard enough 4 me 2 be away from my nephew for a few days. let alone months. & my family & friends mean the world 2 me. they are my world. they're number 1 on my list. i dont even know if they know that. but they are. but i also have 2 think about myself. what's going 2 make me happy. and what's that? having my degree, & moving 2 l.a. having a bomb ass place along the beach along w/ an awesome job 2 go w/ it. i dont believe i'll be happy til i have all that. a majority of my time or day i spend it stressing, or worrying. i know, it's not good, but that's my life. i live a very busy life. i like being busy. for example, i'm actually free on weekends. i spend it going 2 church & getting errands done. i spent the day by myself 2day. i tend 2 go shopping A LOT during the weekend. & having my alone time 2day made me think about how i actually kinda wanna work on saturdays just so i dont spend it shopping. i dont wanna work the whole day. but a few hours would do it for me. i should prolly spend on school work since i'm already behind. but i just can't. i'm a horrible procrastinator. & probably always will be. i work better under pressure. i can't write anymore, or i wont stop.