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so i'm sitting here listening to this new song by radiohead i just downloaded. if u guys know me, i'm mostly into hip hop, r&b and the occasional techno. radiohead is definitely different from anything ive ever heard before. i like the music more than the lyrics. its kinda hard for me to hear the lyrics. the music is actually kind of depressing but i like it. different. anyway, so i've had a lot on my mind lately. but i dont really have much time to write all of it since i should be doing my paper. finals are stressing me out badly. dont be surprised if u guys start seeing me w/ gray hair. u'll know why. anyway, was at my mom's house and she read my fortune. yes she's a psychic. she's pretty accurate. and i believe her. at least 80% of the time. anyway, a majority of the time she always tells me the same thing. that i miss someone. if u know me well, u probably know who's she's talking about. but i'll elaborate on that a little bit later if i have time. she tells me, u got this guy who likes u, and this guy, and this guy. and she can see what they look like and estimate how old they are. and if they live near here. she asks me u have all these guys who like u but i dont understand why u dont have a bf. which is so important to her for some dam reason that i could never understand. i might have all these guys that like me, but they're not the RIGHT guy. do u really want me to be w/ someone who treats me badly? or uses me? or hurts me? i've been thinking a lot about whether i've made the right choices. like what would've happened if i didn't move back here? would things have worked out if i stayed there? how bout if i worked things out w/ the other one? maybe we gave up too easily. maybe we didn't try hard enough. the other night i was talking to my roommate about it. and alcohol was involved, lol. so i got a bit emotional. and everything started pooring out. i asked her, how bout if i didn't make the right decision? i care enough about them enough to want them to be happy even though they've hurt me badly. it's hard for me to see them happy, but deep down that's what i want for them which shows how much i cared for them at one point. but i want to be happy too. i think a lot of things that are leading me to feel this way is because everyone close to me right now is having kids, getting married, done w/ school, etc. and i'm just stuck. i feel left behind and not getting closer to that point. i'm happy and ecstatic for each one of my friends. but at the same time i feel empty. it's been a very empty feeling lately. the more and more i think about it, the more and more it makes me sad that everyone's moving forward. and im just stuck. i know, i'm not trying to live in the past and i can be honest and say that i've grown a lot in the past 3 years. i've learned to be strong, or at least put on a strong exterior. but that doesn't mean i don't think about it sometimes. the "what if" i think we all think about it. my mom basically tells me i won't get into anything serious for years. i don't doubt it. and she said i've been through so many "break ups". she said that there's 2 guys that are going to enter the picture soon. 1 is young, lives kinda far, dark i think. the other is older, lives close and is light. whatever that means. she also reads my palm., reading ur palm is entirely different than getting ur cards read. reading ur palm is basically an outline of ur entire life. ur cards are basically what's going to happen in the near future. anyway, school is stressing me the hell out. this week and next week is gonna be brutal. finals. to top it off i need to have my 2nd surgery soon for my arm. it's so irritating sometimes. alright, time to get started. to be continued...