me

so it's been almost a month since i've written anything. but like always, i always have so much on my mind. i've been spending a lot of time by myself which has given me a lot of time to think about things. first off, work is going well. we started this new system that my boss has created. and had like a 2 hour meeting. and for the first time in 2 yrs i actually felt like i was a big asset to the company. like my position actually meant something. and it felt good. for a long time i didn't feel like i have job security and that i felt kinda left out of a lot of things. mainly cuz i'm the youngest one at my company so they overlook that. but just because i'm the youngest doesn't mean i dont know anything. i've been with my company the longest and i've moved up a lot and have a better understanding in a lot of things. i think that i've gained a lot of experience. but i still feel overlooked at times. whatever i do in work, or anything sometimes it never feels like enough. no matter how hard i work. its not enough. im a fighter. and at times i dont think i portray myself as that and people underestimate me, but i like a challenge and i love proving them wrong. anyway, school is sick. im taking this class, and thank god it's online. but i didn't realize how difficult it would be. im barely passing. which scares me because i need this class. and i cant afford not to pass another class. this next week is the last week of the class. so this is for all the marbles. my love life, once again is non existent. i started talking to this guy a few weeks ago, and it was going well, then bam, all of a sudden out of nowhere i didn't hear from him again. & im not one of those girls whos gonna be blowing up a guy's phone if i dont hear from him. fuck that. u get deleted if i dont hear back from u. whats the point of keeping ur number. if a guy likes u, he will do something about it. let him pursue u. not the other way around. anyway, since that day i haven't been able 2 get it out of my head why he never called me back. ive been going through ever dam conversation and every little thing that happened and cant come up with a conclusion why he just never called me again. and i'm pretty upset about it. because i thought we both liked each other. and i've never had a guy blow me off so badly with no explanation. at least be a man and tell me to my face why. i can take it. our first date, went really well. our second date went well too. after that he called me everyday and texted me. told me how much he liked me so much, and really saw this going somewhere, and that he missed me everyday. at the same time, i was thinking the same thing, but i wouldn't tell him that, but i would also be thinking, really? after 2 dates? that's how u feel about me? is that possible? is this for real? we live far from each other so the only time we could hang out was on the weekends. so after our second date on a sunday, he pretty much had the next weekend planned out for us. told me he took off saturday to spend time w/ me. he even asked me to go to his work party with him, that wasn't even until another month away. and to me, i think that's something u ask someone that ur really into. so friday rolls around, and we had plans 2 go to the movies. he tells me his kid is sick but she's doing a lot better and his ex is picking her up that afternoon. never even mentioned our date. so later i asked him, so did u still wanna go. and he says well my daughter is getting sick again so i might cancel. first of all, he just said she was doing better AND his ex is picking her up, so wtf? so i was like ok whatever. thats what he told me after HE planned our whole weekend out. then he texts me after work telling me to go to his side of town instead for drinks. what kind of date is that? i told him i had other plans, and i never heard from him again. so can someone explain to me where it went wrong? i really dont get it. and im pretty upset, because i want answers. i want an explanation. and most importantly, im so tired of dating. why? because i keep getting the same results. it never works out and then i have 2 start over every time. i was just thinking about this whole dating thing, and how all it is is just a game. and it pisses me off. because i wanna just get straight to the point. if u like me, do something about it. and thats it. people, especially guys like to play games, because it makes it more interesting. thats my opinion at least. and the worst part, i think he's dating someone else already. im pretty upset about this whole situation. that whole weekend all i did was drink and went through every little conversation and thing to figure out why. anything and everything pretty crossed my mind. it coulda been a major number of things. who really knows. oh, on another note... my ex calls me and has been texting me telling me that he pretty much regretted breaking up w/ me and that he LOVED me. thats right, the L word. i was speechless. i dont think its love, i think his emotions r taking over. i told him, i cant do this anymore. all we did was fight and i cant do the long distance thing anymore. a part of me wants to. but that wouldn't be the right thing to do. it would be for all the wrong reasons. i usually dont believe in second chances. its gonna take a lot more than a couple words for me to change my mind. do something about it. action speaks louder than words right? alright im out. got shit to do.