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um...its been a lot of mixed feelings lately. weird. so many thoughts, yet i always have the same problem. can never get any of it down on paper when i finally have the time. at this exact moment, im feeling this empty/lonely feeling. i've been feeling it a lot lately. i haven't felt it in a while. probably because when i have school i don't have time to deal with this bs. well first off let's start off with school. what a major disappointment this semester. i'm very disappointed in myself. extremely. not only did i not try hard enough. but now i'm gonna have 2 pay for the consequences. i didn't pass one of my classes so this will be the 2nd class that i'm gonna have 2 retake. & the worst part is i didn't pass it by 2%. not only that, i passed my other classes. but i'm not happy with my grades. which means now my gpa is lower. now i have to work twice as hard this summer & fall semester. what's worst is i went 2 talk 2 my advisor and it turns out, even with my summer classes, & this fall semester, i'll still need 36 units to graduate. which is like a year & a half. the most frustrating part to me is that i should've been done w/ this bs by now. but what happened? i cared more about guys and partying at the time. so now i'm paying for it. some of my friends say that sometimes i'm too hard of myself. maybe i am. but then at the same time it's motivation to do better. this takes me 2 another point. im in school with a full load & working 40 hours or more a week. i really don't know how people do it. its a struggle for me. but it keeps me busy. so its a hate love relationship. i was lucky enough to get a break for the past few weeks bc my summer classes start this tuesday. its so weird having a break bc i'm so used 2 being stressed and having work to do, and not getting sleep every night. now that i don't have that stuff to worry about it gives me more time to think about everything else that's going on in my life and how i really feel. & i don't like having that free time. summer school starts on tuesday and i have homework already. i'm kind of worried about it already because i know it's going to be a tough one. so i'm really nervous about it. anyway, so the other day i was getting ready for work and at the same time watching tv w/ my roommate's daughter. i was saying bye to her and telling her i love her cuz i'm not gonna see her for the next 4 days. & out of nowhere it hit me hard that in a few months i'm not gonna see her everyday anymore. i almost shed a tear. i've grown to love her more & more everyday like she's my own niece. her & her mother r practically family. it's gonna hard saying bye to them when they move away. and i try not to think about it much cuz deep down i think it's gonna hit me hard when the day comes. and now i know how she felt when i left az. anyway, this is the 1st time i've had a 3 day weekend for who knows how long. and it sucks that i don't even get to do anything. everyone decided to do their own thing this weekend. the one time i actually have some free time to go out. this is what i meant when i said, having all the money in the world doesn't mean anything if u don't have anyone to share it with. and a majority of the time i don't. i don't mean a relationship exactly, but a lot of times i feel like i have to work around everyone else's schedule. when it should be mutual. not one sided. i have money to travel, or do whatever, but it doesn't matter if there's no one to do it with. i look back to when i first moved here and see how much has changed. there are different things on the line now, and things that are so important to me now that weren't before. anyway, so my love life. is non existent. seriously. im not kidding. i think it's mainly bc i'm tired of dating. i just wanna skip the whole thing & jump into the relationship. bc the dating part is so complicated and long. " how do u feel about me, where is this going," blah blah blah. i still get messages from guys asking me out every now & then and i never respond. i think i haven't been because i'm just so tired of dating. or maybe im just afraid. when u start dating for a while, and u keep getting the same results, even though u go for different guys, u tend to get tired of the whole thing. i'd rather die alone then be with the wrong person, or someone's gonna treat me badly. & the worst part is, my mom puts a lot of pressure on me to get married and have kids. just cuz my sister had one, does that mean i have to have one now? doesnt exactly work that day. 3 questions she asks me everytime i come home is, when r u gonna get married, or do u have a boyfriend, when are u gonna have kids, and when are u gonna be done w/ school? its the most irritating thing in the world. i try not 2 let it get to me. but it's kinda hard when she bugs me about it everytime i come home to visit. which isnt often thanks to those remarks. in her eyes, it's so important to be in a relationship, bc apparently i need a rich guy to take care of me. sorry mom. i don't need anything. u depend on a guy too much, and u break up, then what happens? i put on a smile every single day. but 60-70% of the time, there's something bothering me. but it's stays in the back of my mind. & sometimes it all gets bottled up and ends up exploding at some point later on. which is why i like staying busy. because it means i don't have time to worry about what's really bothering me. i never understood people who say they're bored all the time. we have a millions of things to do in this world. even if i ever do have free time, i'm always doing something. it's called being productive. life's too short to sit around & do nothing. u can't let it pass u by. life's too short to be worrying, angry, sad all the time. i should be taking my own advice. if u take things for granted, or made mistakes and u get a second chance at it? grab it. because how often does that happen? its like when u fall. do u just sit there? or do u get back up? no one ever got anywhere by sitting still and doing nothing. make a difference.

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so i'm sitting here listening to this new song by radiohead i just downloaded. if u guys know me, i'm mostly into hip hop, r&b and the occasional techno. radiohead is definitely different from anything ive ever heard before. i like the music more than the lyrics. its kinda hard for me to hear the lyrics. the music is actually kind of depressing but i like it. different. anyway, so i've had a lot on my mind lately. but i dont really have much time to write all of it since i should be doing my paper. finals are stressing me out badly. dont be surprised if u guys start seeing me w/ gray hair. u'll know why. anyway, was at my mom's house and she read my fortune. yes she's a psychic. she's pretty accurate. and i believe her. at least 80% of the time. anyway, a majority of the time she always tells me the same thing. that i miss someone. if u know me well, u probably know who's she's talking about. but i'll elaborate on that a little bit later if i have time. she tells me, u got this guy who likes u, and this guy, and this guy. and she can see what they look like and estimate how old they are. and if they live near here. she asks me u have all these guys who like u but i dont understand why u dont have a bf. which is so important to her for some dam reason that i could never understand. i might have all these guys that like me, but they're not the RIGHT guy. do u really want me to be w/ someone who treats me badly? or uses me? or hurts me? i've been thinking a lot about whether i've made the right choices. like what would've happened if i didn't move back here? would things have worked out if i stayed there? how bout if i worked things out w/ the other one? maybe we gave up too easily. maybe we didn't try hard enough. the other night i was talking to my roommate about it. and alcohol was involved, lol. so i got a bit emotional. and everything started pooring out. i asked her, how bout if i didn't make the right decision? i care enough about them enough to want them to be happy even though they've hurt me badly. it's hard for me to see them happy, but deep down that's what i want for them which shows how much i cared for them at one point. but i want to be happy too. i think a lot of things that are leading me to feel this way is because everyone close to me right now is having kids, getting married, done w/ school, etc. and i'm just stuck. i feel left behind and not getting closer to that point. i'm happy and ecstatic for each one of my friends. but at the same time i feel empty. it's been a very empty feeling lately. the more and more i think about it, the more and more it makes me sad that everyone's moving forward. and im just stuck. i know, i'm not trying to live in the past and i can be honest and say that i've grown a lot in the past 3 years. i've learned to be strong, or at least put on a strong exterior. but that doesn't mean i don't think about it sometimes. the "what if" i think we all think about it. my mom basically tells me i won't get into anything serious for years. i don't doubt it. and she said i've been through so many "break ups". she said that there's 2 guys that are going to enter the picture soon. 1 is young, lives kinda far, dark i think. the other is older, lives close and is light. whatever that means. she also reads my palm., reading ur palm is entirely different than getting ur cards read. reading ur palm is basically an outline of ur entire life. ur cards are basically what's going to happen in the near future. anyway, school is stressing me the hell out. this week and next week is gonna be brutal. finals. to top it off i need to have my 2nd surgery soon for my arm. it's so irritating sometimes. alright, time to get started. to be continued...