here goes nothing...

i usually really don't like writing when i'm under the influence, because it's when i'm the most vulnerable & have my guard down the most. anyway, i haven't really written anything because there's not much 2 write about. pretty much nothing is really going on in my life except for school & work. i'm trying hard 2 catch up on school & keep my grades up. but since january/february they've been suffering.i'm pretty much really scared & worried at this point. and to be honest i dont know if i'm going to pass. i think april 11 is the last day 2 withdraw from classes completely. but i'm not going to. i'm just going to stay in them & try my hardest and take whatever grade i get. cuz i have 2 deal with that since it's my own fault. i'm very disappointed in myself. mainly bc i let a guy/relationship disrupt my concentration w/ school. actually i shouldn't really blame any1. because i made my own choices. but its still a disappointment. because it's gonna put me behind even more. which is what really pisses me off. ok so i'm trying 2 think about what's usually on my mind. the main subjects? school, work, family, friends, guys. lately it's been school though. mainly cuz i'm really worried about it. i just really can't concentrate or focus this semester. i tried to but i just can't. anyway, i've been thinking about work a lot lately. mainly cuz that's all i ever do besides school. i've been thinking about more than usual. cuz i had a bad day the other day. which i know, does tend 2 happen here& there. i fucked up on a client's account. & my boss saw it & talked 2 me about it. he's cool. he's very understanding, & i've been w/ the company for two years now. but when i make a mistake, its huge, it affects a lot. the thing with mistakes at work is, u learn from them, fix them, & hopefully it doesn't happen again. its a disappointment though, cuz i've been doing this shit for two years so it shouldn't have even happened in the first place. anyway, that night, i ended up having a bad dream & couldn't even sleep. i had this dream where my boss rehired this girl that they let go & told me 2 train her on everything that i do cuz she was going 2 take my place. i was devastated. in reality, i've learned 2 like my job. shocker huh? how many people can really say that about their job? its really a love hate relationship. u either have good days, or really bad days. & those r the days where i get some really bad clients calling in & bitching at me. its ok though, cuz i can take it. its more like a challenge than anything & i just deal w/ it. i think about the future though cuz i wonder what i'm going 2 do when i finish school. unless i get a really big promotion, i'll have 2 eventually get a job that fits my degree & will be my career. it's hard, because i've grown w/ this company and built a relationship with it. but i'm not really thinking that far ahead yet. even though i've been with the company for that long i still get worried. sometimes i still feel like i dont have job security. just because of how the economy is nowadays. it'd be a piece of cake for them 2 replace me if they really wanted 2. so i usually watch the news every morning b4 work or school & i see all this stuff going on. i usually dont like watching it at all cuz it's depressing. it's not like they ever report anything good. i'm seeing all these tsunamis' happening, earthquakes, etc. and it scares me. not to mention makes me sad. which brings me back 2 the question: why do bad things happen 2 good people. for example, haiti. haven't they suffered enough? after haiti, it was chili, then turkey, taiwan, l.a., now manila. so i ask why? it really scares me. all these countries getting hit with 6.0+ earthquakes. it scares me cuz i wonder if 2012 is real now. and if it's coming sooner than we think. we even had a tornado touch down in az. l.a. got hit w/ a 4.0 recently and it's been heard that they're gonna get hit w/ a really big one in the near future. & that scares me. bc its close to us & i have family & friends there. when i heard all the hype about 2012. i got scared & didn't know what 2 think or believe. then my friend reassured me that it's a myth & the calendar just restarts. but now with everything going on, i'm unsure. & it scares me bc i'm not ready 4 everything 2 end. i need my family & friends in my life. i want & need 2 finish school, i want to have a family & get married one day. we all have dreams & goals that we want 2 accomplish. there's been parts of me that just want 2 just quit it all & travel or move 2 a foreign country. my goal was 2 finish school then move 2 l.a. my homegirl said something 2 me that's really stuck in my head. she said that, "susan, i dont think u'll ever leave cuz u dont wanna leave ur nephew behind, or ur family, friends." i agree. it's hard enough 4 me 2 be away from my nephew for a few days. let alone months. & my family & friends mean the world 2 me. they are my world. they're number 1 on my list. i dont even know if they know that. but they are. but i also have 2 think about myself. what's going 2 make me happy. and what's that? having my degree, & moving 2 l.a. having a bomb ass place along the beach along w/ an awesome job 2 go w/ it. i dont believe i'll be happy til i have all that. a majority of my time or day i spend it stressing, or worrying. i know, it's not good, but that's my life. i live a very busy life. i like being busy. for example, i'm actually free on weekends. i spend it going 2 church & getting errands done. i spent the day by myself 2day. i tend 2 go shopping A LOT during the weekend. & having my alone time 2day made me think about how i actually kinda wanna work on saturdays just so i dont spend it shopping. i dont wanna work the whole day. but a few hours would do it for me. i should prolly spend on school work since i'm already behind. but i just can't. i'm a horrible procrastinator. & probably always will be. i work better under pressure. i can't write anymore, or i wont stop.

wants/needs

so i've been thinking a lot about what i want , what i need, etc. relationship wise. it's hard because if u were to ask me. my answer would be i really don't know and couldn't tell u. after my last "relationship" i really don't know what i want anymore. it made me lose a lot of focus in a lot of things. everytime i get hurt or a guy does me wrong, it makes me put my guard up even more. so who should i thank for that? anyway, it's like half and half. half of me still wants a relationship eventually. the other half not really. i don't really know. it's so hard to explain. i miss having someone to talk to so much. i think about him sometimes. and it just hurts. so i try hard not to. i miss having the comfort and feeling secure w/ a guy. i miss feeling protected, introducing a bf, having someone there for me on my bad days. someone 2 bring me soup when i'm sick, someone to call me just to hear my voice. it's all the little stuff. and then the other half... i dont know. it's not even about living the single life at all. i don't really even know if i want to date anymore. i'm just frustrated from the whole thing, im starting to feel that it's hopeless and a waste of time. maybe because it keeps ending the same way. which is the fact that it ends. part of me wants to just be alone for a while. this also made me lose a lot of focus in school. which i think is what bugs me the most. i'm very disappointed in myself this semester and everytime i think about it, it pisses me off even more. i'm not saying i regret anything or would take any of it back. because i wouldn't. but i did lose focus. and to be honest, i dont' even know if i'm going to pass my classes this semester. that's how bad it is. i'm trying so hard to catch up on all my work but it's not going well. and it scares me a lot because i can't be behind any more then i already am. because then it'll change what i had planned. last semester i worked so hard, and i was so proud of myself because i did so well. i gave up partying, and didn't have a bf and ended up almost getting a complete B average. it's a very good feeling. so u can see why i'm so disappointed in myself this semester. i have to be hard on myself. and i have to push myself. otherwise i won't get anything done. i'm still on the edge about everything. i get these messages from guys everyday telling me everything i want to hear. what do i do with them? i delete them. i read everything i get and take it to heart. but i delete everything. what do i think about them? i almost feel bad for not replying. because at least these guys r taking a chance. but a part of me is like what's the point? i'm so tired of it all. maybe this is just the pain that i'm still feeling talking. who knows. if u were to look in my head right now, u would see a huge sign that says successful. and my hand reaching out trying to grab it. i keep trying and trying but i can't reach it because it's so far away. it's really hard for me to be happy right now. happiness is an emotion that doesn't really exist in my life often. it's a very small percentage. i would say it's 30% stress, 30% worry, 30% overwhelmed, 5% busy, & 5% happy. yes i know. it doesn't sound healthy. but that's the way i live my life. i keep myself busy all the time. i don't really have a choice. school & work take up my life. and if i'm lucky enough on some days i get to see my family & friends. i miss my nephew everyday. and the more and more i think about it, the more and more i'm sad that i don't spend enough time w/ him. i feel like i'm not a very good godmother or aunt for that matter. god blessed me w/ an amazing nephew. but on most days all i can think about is school. and what assignment i have to do next. or what's due next. then again, i think about everything going on in the world, with Haiti, and Chile. and i think about how fortunate i am in the end. the more i think about it though the more sad it makes me. i just can't believe all of this is happening. which brings me back to the question of why do bad things happen to good people. i never understood that. because i feel that they don't deserve it. what did they do to deserve that? it's very unfortunate. life is so short if u really think about it. how did 25 years already pass me by. why am i not where i wanted to be? what is it going to take to get me there? is another 25 years just going to pass me by? everyday i always think that there's never enough time in a day. it's already 9 pm and all i can think about is school. all my assignments i have to do by next week, my exam next week, my classes that i have tomorrow, my work schedule tomorrow & what i need 2 do at work tomorrow. i wasn't kidding when the title of my blog on here says in an average day i have a million thoughts. in reality, it's probably more than that....