wants/needs

so i've been thinking a lot about what i want , what i need, etc. relationship wise. it's hard because if u were to ask me. my answer would be i really don't know and couldn't tell u. after my last "relationship" i really don't know what i want anymore. it made me lose a lot of focus in a lot of things. everytime i get hurt or a guy does me wrong, it makes me put my guard up even more. so who should i thank for that? anyway, it's like half and half. half of me still wants a relationship eventually. the other half not really. i don't really know. it's so hard to explain. i miss having someone to talk to so much. i think about him sometimes. and it just hurts. so i try hard not to. i miss having the comfort and feeling secure w/ a guy. i miss feeling protected, introducing a bf, having someone there for me on my bad days. someone 2 bring me soup when i'm sick, someone to call me just to hear my voice. it's all the little stuff. and then the other half... i dont know. it's not even about living the single life at all. i don't really even know if i want to date anymore. i'm just frustrated from the whole thing, im starting to feel that it's hopeless and a waste of time. maybe because it keeps ending the same way. which is the fact that it ends. part of me wants to just be alone for a while. this also made me lose a lot of focus in school. which i think is what bugs me the most. i'm very disappointed in myself this semester and everytime i think about it, it pisses me off even more. i'm not saying i regret anything or would take any of it back. because i wouldn't. but i did lose focus. and to be honest, i dont' even know if i'm going to pass my classes this semester. that's how bad it is. i'm trying so hard to catch up on all my work but it's not going well. and it scares me a lot because i can't be behind any more then i already am. because then it'll change what i had planned. last semester i worked so hard, and i was so proud of myself because i did so well. i gave up partying, and didn't have a bf and ended up almost getting a complete B average. it's a very good feeling. so u can see why i'm so disappointed in myself this semester. i have to be hard on myself. and i have to push myself. otherwise i won't get anything done. i'm still on the edge about everything. i get these messages from guys everyday telling me everything i want to hear. what do i do with them? i delete them. i read everything i get and take it to heart. but i delete everything. what do i think about them? i almost feel bad for not replying. because at least these guys r taking a chance. but a part of me is like what's the point? i'm so tired of it all. maybe this is just the pain that i'm still feeling talking. who knows. if u were to look in my head right now, u would see a huge sign that says successful. and my hand reaching out trying to grab it. i keep trying and trying but i can't reach it because it's so far away. it's really hard for me to be happy right now. happiness is an emotion that doesn't really exist in my life often. it's a very small percentage. i would say it's 30% stress, 30% worry, 30% overwhelmed, 5% busy, & 5% happy. yes i know. it doesn't sound healthy. but that's the way i live my life. i keep myself busy all the time. i don't really have a choice. school & work take up my life. and if i'm lucky enough on some days i get to see my family & friends. i miss my nephew everyday. and the more and more i think about it, the more and more i'm sad that i don't spend enough time w/ him. i feel like i'm not a very good godmother or aunt for that matter. god blessed me w/ an amazing nephew. but on most days all i can think about is school. and what assignment i have to do next. or what's due next. then again, i think about everything going on in the world, with Haiti, and Chile. and i think about how fortunate i am in the end. the more i think about it though the more sad it makes me. i just can't believe all of this is happening. which brings me back to the question of why do bad things happen to good people. i never understood that. because i feel that they don't deserve it. what did they do to deserve that? it's very unfortunate. life is so short if u really think about it. how did 25 years already pass me by. why am i not where i wanted to be? what is it going to take to get me there? is another 25 years just going to pass me by? everyday i always think that there's never enough time in a day. it's already 9 pm and all i can think about is school. all my assignments i have to do by next week, my exam next week, my classes that i have tomorrow, my work schedule tomorrow & what i need 2 do at work tomorrow. i wasn't kidding when the title of my blog on here says in an average day i have a million thoughts. in reality, it's probably more than that....