1 day at a time..

whoever said breakups are easy are full of crap. it doesn't matter how long you've been w/ the person. it's still hard no matter what. so it just happened on monday but it all started since i got back home last week. i'm not going to write out what happened exactly or all the details. mainly cuz i don't really want 2 broadcast it to the world and i doubt he would appreciate that either. i wouldn't like it if he did it either. either way, i'm not really ready to talk about the whole thing anyway. with anyone really. the only person who really knows what happened is my roommate. & that's only cuz she lives w/ me. anyway, so our main problem in the relationship i would have 2 say is communication. it was really hard. and in the beginning we lacked a lot of it. i thought it got better since we worked on it more, but in the end,i guess not. long distance relationships are hard. i never really believed in em. when i see other people in them, i always think i hope it works out for them, but i dont see many that do. there's always a trust factor. i think what makes it hard for me is the fact that this was my first relationship in the last 3 yrs. i haven't really been with anyone or called anyone my bf since my last ex. i'm a very emotional type person which doesn't help the situation. i thought i grew stronger but apparently not strong enough. things went really bad last friday that i also started drinking since last thursday. the breakup made it worse. last saturday i started drinking from 11am-6 pm. since that day and the breakup i couldn't stop drinking. i know its not healthy and my body is suffering from it. but i just thought, the more i drink the less i'll think about it. but alcohol is just a temporary relief. because the next day the problem is still there. i finally stopped drinking yesterday when i saw my nephew. i haven't seen him in a week and it felt good 2 hold him. i knew i would start crying when i held him. i haven't really gone a day w/o crying yet. its been hard and ive been secluding myself from the world. i dont want to talk about it, see anyone, do anything. i have 2 photoshoots this weekend, and after that u wont see me like this again. dont be surprised if next time u see me i'll have purple or red head, and have it all chopped off. i talked to my mom today and she was like when are u gonna get married and have kids? i hope u find someone soon who will treat u good and so u can get married already and have kids. i was like wtf? can i finish school first? i dont know what i want anymore. after all this i dont even want to date anymore. i hate guys. i cant deal with this bs anymore. its so time consuming. & the biggest thing? i'm so disappointed in myself this semester. im struggling badly in all of my classes. its scary. i wish that i could start over. my days are so long, and i still feel like there's never enough time in a day. i wish that i could just come home from work everyday, hit the gym, and then turn on an nba game. i never even watch any of my fav. shows anymore. my life is just all about work and school. anyway, so how is it that guys deal with this stuff so easily? how is it that they get over someone so quickly. why is it always more painful for the girl? well then i wish i was a guy. i dont even like talking about it bc it just makes me want 2 cry. i think that just like any other relationship it makes u a stronger person and u just learn from it. so if i had a chance, would i change anything, or do it over? no. everything happens 4 a reason. if we were meant 2 be 2gether. then we would be. i can never find words when i finally have time 2 write. let go and move on i guess.