1 day at a time..

whoever said breakups are easy are full of crap. it doesn't matter how long you've been w/ the person. it's still hard no matter what. so it just happened on monday but it all started since i got back home last week. i'm not going to write out what happened exactly or all the details. mainly cuz i don't really want 2 broadcast it to the world and i doubt he would appreciate that either. i wouldn't like it if he did it either. either way, i'm not really ready to talk about the whole thing anyway. with anyone really. the only person who really knows what happened is my roommate. & that's only cuz she lives w/ me. anyway, so our main problem in the relationship i would have 2 say is communication. it was really hard. and in the beginning we lacked a lot of it. i thought it got better since we worked on it more, but in the end,i guess not. long distance relationships are hard. i never really believed in em. when i see other people in them, i always think i hope it works out for them, but i dont see many that do. there's always a trust factor. i think what makes it hard for me is the fact that this was my first relationship in the last 3 yrs. i haven't really been with anyone or called anyone my bf since my last ex. i'm a very emotional type person which doesn't help the situation. i thought i grew stronger but apparently not strong enough. things went really bad last friday that i also started drinking since last thursday. the breakup made it worse. last saturday i started drinking from 11am-6 pm. since that day and the breakup i couldn't stop drinking. i know its not healthy and my body is suffering from it. but i just thought, the more i drink the less i'll think about it. but alcohol is just a temporary relief. because the next day the problem is still there. i finally stopped drinking yesterday when i saw my nephew. i haven't seen him in a week and it felt good 2 hold him. i knew i would start crying when i held him. i haven't really gone a day w/o crying yet. its been hard and ive been secluding myself from the world. i dont want to talk about it, see anyone, do anything. i have 2 photoshoots this weekend, and after that u wont see me like this again. dont be surprised if next time u see me i'll have purple or red head, and have it all chopped off. i talked to my mom today and she was like when are u gonna get married and have kids? i hope u find someone soon who will treat u good and so u can get married already and have kids. i was like wtf? can i finish school first? i dont know what i want anymore. after all this i dont even want to date anymore. i hate guys. i cant deal with this bs anymore. its so time consuming. & the biggest thing? i'm so disappointed in myself this semester. im struggling badly in all of my classes. its scary. i wish that i could start over. my days are so long, and i still feel like there's never enough time in a day. i wish that i could just come home from work everyday, hit the gym, and then turn on an nba game. i never even watch any of my fav. shows anymore. my life is just all about work and school. anyway, so how is it that guys deal with this stuff so easily? how is it that they get over someone so quickly. why is it always more painful for the girl? well then i wish i was a guy. i dont even like talking about it bc it just makes me want 2 cry. i think that just like any other relationship it makes u a stronger person and u just learn from it. so if i had a chance, would i change anything, or do it over? no. everything happens 4 a reason. if we were meant 2 be 2gether. then we would be. i can never find words when i finally have time 2 write. let go and move on i guess.

bad day..

everything's been going wrong since i got here. i'm happy that i finally get to spend time w/ him. and trying really hard not to let this stuff bother me but i cant help it. first off, when i got here and picked up my luggage only one of em came out. i must've been sitting there for like half an hour waiting for my luggage. so i went to customer service and was going to ask them about it. the minute i walked in, there it was. on the floor & open. apparently the zipper broke and my suitcase came apart. of course it happened to me. i was so upset. relieved that it could've been worse and lost. and im glad it wasn't. but still upset. i don't think i'm missing anything. but i just spent $70 the other day on another suitcase. im upset because this shouldn't have happened in the first place. excuse me, if im just blabbing away, but sometimes writing helps me feel better. that's if i can get the right words down. so anyway, then the next day my bf finds out that he ended up having to work friday, saturday and sunday. boy were we both upset. which means he's in a bad mood, and he feels hella bad, i'm in a bad mood, and i'm very upset and sad, bummed & disappointed. i should look on the brighter side, bc he works from 4am-12:30 pm, so im really sleeping during most of that time. but still, that could be time that he could be spending with me instead of working. what have we done since i got here? a whole lot of nothing so far. i'm being positive and thinking that it'll get better. oh u wanna hear more bad news. so yesterday i was being an idiot and going through my phone. and somehow accidentally locked it. i couldn't unlock it, which means i can't access anything on my phone. the menu, making calls, contacts, nothing. i can't get messages or phone calls either. i was so upset and worried. so i talked to tech support online & they're like u need a new sim card. so i go into the store and they got me a new sim card but they couldnt figure out the phone lock code so they said i had 2 call samsung. so i called samsung this morning & they said i gotta send in the phone to them or have at&t reflush the software, whatever that means. so i call at&t. was on the phone for almost an hour, to find out the same answer. gotta send the shit in. im so upset at this point. nothing is going right. today, im going back 2 at&t and asking them if my sim card is still usable and its just the phone that's locked. if that's the case, i might just get so upset and end up buying a whole new phone. the bf is very persistent about me getting an iphone. ive never liked the thing and always refused 2 get one. mainly cuz i think its way 2 high tech for me. and complicated. theres too much crap on there.mainly cuz i just need something that i can make phone calls, text & go online. thats it. i tried texting on the iphone once and was like wtf is this crap? its so hard. what if i got my nails done? i'd be fucked. anyway, so im finally here with my boyfriend, and somehow i still miss him. im really hoping that things get better. and i at least figure out this phone shit out. im seriously dying without my phone right now. i didn't realize how dependent on it i was until now.

unfocused?

its only been a few weeks since school started. and once again, everyday is a struggle 4 me. i thought last semester was hard. that was nothing compared to this. i feel like every semester it gets harder. i'm so stressed every single day that i'll probably be getting gray hair soon. i really wonder how people do this type of schedule. because i feel stressed and overwhelmed every single day. i don't want 2 sound like i'm complaining but people don't realize how intense it is. im working 40 hours and taking 15 credit hours at school. for those of you who don't know,that equals 5 classes. how do people do this? let me in on the secret on how you balance ur work. cuz it feels like there's a weight on my shoulders. i know it will pay off in the end but some days i just want to give up. but i keep telling myself that i can't. because i want 2 reach that goal one day that i've always had. otherwise i'll never be completely happy. this is what my schedule looks like. mondays, wake up @ 6:30 work 8-5, come home, shower, make dinner, & do homework. tuesdays, wake up @ 6:30 2 do hw, class from 9-10:15, work @ 11-4:45, class @ 5:40-8:30, visit the family for an hour or two. come home, shower, & homework. wednesdays, wake up @ 6:30, work 8-5, class @ 6:05-9:00, home, shower, dinner, homework. thursdays, wake up @ 6:30 for homework, class @ 9-10:15, work 11-5, visit the family, home, dinner, shower, homework, fridays wake up @ 6:30 then work all day. it's a never ending cycle. & people wonder why i don't party anymore. and the homework is insane. i have labs, quizzes, homework assignments due every week. sometimes i spend hours every night just on a few questions because it's so time consuming and hard. it's very overwhelming. sometimes i think that it's a good thing because it keeps me busy. but then again, i still worry the same amount, stress more, & get overwhelmed. people wonder why i drink during the week. my night ended on a depressing note earlier. i felt pretty depressed. if you go to my school u should know we have a major map and a dars report. i barely know anything about the two. each one lists the classes that u have to take for ur major. i always use my dars report. i looked @ my major map 4 the first time tonight, and i saw some completely different classes that weren't on my dars report. so now i'm stressed, and worried that i'm even more behind then i should be, and that i'm not taking the right classes. i need 2 talk 2 my advisor. not 2 mention, i didn't realize how much math i need 2 take. math is my weakest point. i've never been able 2 pass it. yet, i can't believe im majoring in business. it really worries me bc i struggle so much in it. my goal is 2 finish school in two years. now i'm wondering if that's still possible. no matter how hard i work. i don't want 2 give up, because that will just put me even further behind. and that's not an option. but on days like this, it puts me over the edge. i broke down earlier when i was driving home. because it was just all 2 much. & im worried that i'll never finish. very worried. i work so hard, yet i feel like i'm nowhere close to my destination. and it makes me so sad and angry @ the same time. i'm so frustrated.

on another note, the previous guy i was talking to... well that became official last month. crazy huh. everyone was shocked when they found out. like what? where did this come from? yea... it's a weird but good feeling. weird because i haven't been in a relationship for so long. good because i 4got what it was like 2 have someone in my life who really cares about me and likes me so much. we've been talking for a few months already but officially we've only been together for not that long. some things about him... he drives me crazy, he's funny, always makes me laugh, sociable, tough, passionate, etc. the hard part is he doesn't live here. i told myself i wouldnt ever do the long distance thing again. but he made me realize that just because it didn't work out the 1st time doesn't mean it won't work out this time. u won't know until u take a chance. crazy part is, he lives close 2 the same area my ex used 2 live in. crazy how that turned out huh? i cant stay away from those bay area fellas. anyway, yes, i get worried that it might turn out that way again, but i'm not going down the same path again, and he's right, life is short, u have to take a chance.there are days when we have "disagreements", but somehow it makes me miss him even more. he always wants me 2 be open w/ him and tell him how i feel and if i miss him. but idk, i feel like i can't open up completely with him yet. maybe im scared. or maybe because im not ready to yet. i don't like being open completely cuz then it makes me feel vulnerable and i feel exposed. i'll feel like he has me, and there's no more mystery to it. i'm not ready to let him completely in yet. trust is another really hard area. especially since we live in different states. it's easy 4 him 2 trust me. he has no reason not 2. he knows my schedule. i've never cheated on a guy & don't ever plan on it. i don't really see the point in it. i've always had a trust issue. not just with guys. with people in general. i've gotten hurt a lot which has caused me to put my guard up and build a wall. once ive known the person for a while and am comfortable w/ them, i'll let them in.anyway, i'm going to see him next week for 4 days. which is why im more stressed, bc i'm trying to get all my work done 4 this week & next week b4 i leave. cuz i dont want 2 have 2 worry about anything while i'm there. i have 2 tests when i get back so that's something else 2 worry about. its a weird but nervous feeling bc i haven't been back there since i left. i dont really know how i feel about it. it kind of brings back bad memories bc i have so much history there. but at the same time it's exciting, because i'm starting a new journey w/ someone new. it's a rush. i think i feel a little better after getting this shit out now. lets see if i can get some work done..