strength..

i think strength is something that i desperately need right now. i never have time to write anymore. its disappointing. and i'll have less time once school starts in a few days. so anyway, once again.. another one bites the dust. all good things come to an end once again. what can i say about it. i'll be honest. i think i really felt something real w/ this one. and i havent felt that way about anyone for a while. a guy that actually feels the same way about u that u feel about him? that seems so rare nowadays. trust me. i know. at times i felt like i wore the pants in this relationship. i felt like he was competing with me and he was insecure. he was different. he didn't have a myspace or twitter, or facebook. he didn't have friends that are girls. which is a plus in my book. BUT, i felt like he made me feel horrible for having a myspace. or he would trip every time i said i would hang out w/ one of my homies. i cant deal w/ that. u either trust me or u dont. i havent given u any reason not to trust me. one time i went 2 dinner w/ my sister, her bf and one of her homies. i told him about it and he was like that sounds like a double date. r u kidding me right now? who flips about something like that? we would live in this fantasy world where everything was perfect and shit, yall know how that goes. the whole honeymoon stage. then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the next day, he would go off on me. this very last time it happened, i couldnt deal w/ it anymore. he told me i was stubborn, selfish, i only cared about myself, i didnt care about his feelings. i asked him what do u mean, when have i not cared about ur feelings? his answer? i dont know. i dont remember. what!!?? how can u be mad at me for something that u dont even remember? does that make any sense? when i told him i couldnt do this anymore and that im done, his words were, ur missing out. this guy was pretty much yelling at me on the phone. and this isn't the first time. i'm sorry, but i think that anything can be settled calmly. there's no reason for yelling. that's one of my pet peeves. i really hate it when people yell at me. there's really no need for that. does any of this sound healthy to anyone? i told him he was hurting my feelings. his words were, stop blaming me for everything, and stop acting like the victim. how can i be with someone who talks to me like this? this whole situation cut me deeply because i really felt something for the guy. and i tried to be optimistic and gave him a second chance. and that's what happened. which proves, people dont change. he apologized profusely to me later that night, and the next day. i told him, whats the point. i cant deal w/ this bs anymore. im done. u had a bad day? thats no excuse. im not ur punching bag. find another girl to be ur punching bag. its crazy cuz this guy would be telling me EVERYDAY, how much he liked me, missed me, & all these things he loved about me. every dam day. i was a bit shocked. cuz ive never met a guy who was so open about how he felt about me. and me, i was like a closed book, locked up, and wouldn't give him the key. because it made me feel vulnerable. he told me he loved me. not once. but 3 times. and would try 2 play it off and be like, no, i didnt mean that, it just slipped out. im not really sure how that shit just "slips out" 3 times. then he started to tell me, i love YA. im not sure what that means, but the word love was in there. i didn't really know how 2 take that. especially since i definitely wasnt there yet. not even close. or maybe because i haven't had the feeling for so long, i dont even know what it would feel like anymore. i remember the last guy i was with, after we broke up, he kept blowing me up. pretty much every dam month, wanting to get back together. and i would give him the same answer. no and why do u still have my number? at one point he told me he loved me. i was with him for a month. whats up w/ these guys? i dont get it. love is such a strong word to me. it takes a lot for me to say it. its not something that i take lightly either. but anyway, i dont think ive been dealing with this thing very well. ive been sad, and depressed. and mainly hurt more than anything. and tired. tired of starting over. yet again. for the millionth time. i have 2 put on this fake smile everyday bc im tired of people asking me what's wrong. bc deep down its killing me. i miss him. and i miss having someone to talk to. i miss waking up next to him. i miss him making me coffee while i get ready for work. i miss watching the news w/ him every morning before i go 2 work. then i think about him yelling at me, pretty much calling me a slut, putting me down, and everything else that sabotaged our relationship. its a shame. and a waste. i dont regret anything. i never do. its all an experience. u take a chance and u hope for the best. i have 2 do whats best for myself. no matter how much it hurts.