untitled...

um...its been a lot of mixed feelings lately. weird. so many thoughts, yet i always have the same problem. can never get any of it down on paper when i finally have the time. at this exact moment, im feeling this empty/lonely feeling. i've been feeling it a lot lately. i haven't felt it in a while. probably because when i have school i don't have time to deal with this bs. well first off let's start off with school. what a major disappointment this semester. i'm very disappointed in myself. extremely. not only did i not try hard enough. but now i'm gonna have 2 pay for the consequences. i didn't pass one of my classes so this will be the 2nd class that i'm gonna have 2 retake. & the worst part is i didn't pass it by 2%. not only that, i passed my other classes. but i'm not happy with my grades. which means now my gpa is lower. now i have to work twice as hard this summer & fall semester. what's worst is i went 2 talk 2 my advisor and it turns out, even with my summer classes, & this fall semester, i'll still need 36 units to graduate. which is like a year & a half. the most frustrating part to me is that i should've been done w/ this bs by now. but what happened? i cared more about guys and partying at the time. so now i'm paying for it. some of my friends say that sometimes i'm too hard of myself. maybe i am. but then at the same time it's motivation to do better. this takes me 2 another point. im in school with a full load & working 40 hours or more a week. i really don't know how people do it. its a struggle for me. but it keeps me busy. so its a hate love relationship. i was lucky enough to get a break for the past few weeks bc my summer classes start this tuesday. its so weird having a break bc i'm so used 2 being stressed and having work to do, and not getting sleep every night. now that i don't have that stuff to worry about it gives me more time to think about everything else that's going on in my life and how i really feel. & i don't like having that free time. summer school starts on tuesday and i have homework already. i'm kind of worried about it already because i know it's going to be a tough one. so i'm really nervous about it. anyway, so the other day i was getting ready for work and at the same time watching tv w/ my roommate's daughter. i was saying bye to her and telling her i love her cuz i'm not gonna see her for the next 4 days. & out of nowhere it hit me hard that in a few months i'm not gonna see her everyday anymore. i almost shed a tear. i've grown to love her more & more everyday like she's my own niece. her & her mother r practically family. it's gonna hard saying bye to them when they move away. and i try not to think about it much cuz deep down i think it's gonna hit me hard when the day comes. and now i know how she felt when i left az. anyway, this is the 1st time i've had a 3 day weekend for who knows how long. and it sucks that i don't even get to do anything. everyone decided to do their own thing this weekend. the one time i actually have some free time to go out. this is what i meant when i said, having all the money in the world doesn't mean anything if u don't have anyone to share it with. and a majority of the time i don't. i don't mean a relationship exactly, but a lot of times i feel like i have to work around everyone else's schedule. when it should be mutual. not one sided. i have money to travel, or do whatever, but it doesn't matter if there's no one to do it with. i look back to when i first moved here and see how much has changed. there are different things on the line now, and things that are so important to me now that weren't before. anyway, so my love life. is non existent. seriously. im not kidding. i think it's mainly bc i'm tired of dating. i just wanna skip the whole thing & jump into the relationship. bc the dating part is so complicated and long. " how do u feel about me, where is this going," blah blah blah. i still get messages from guys asking me out every now & then and i never respond. i think i haven't been because i'm just so tired of dating. or maybe im just afraid. when u start dating for a while, and u keep getting the same results, even though u go for different guys, u tend to get tired of the whole thing. i'd rather die alone then be with the wrong person, or someone's gonna treat me badly. & the worst part is, my mom puts a lot of pressure on me to get married and have kids. just cuz my sister had one, does that mean i have to have one now? doesnt exactly work that day. 3 questions she asks me everytime i come home is, when r u gonna get married, or do u have a boyfriend, when are u gonna have kids, and when are u gonna be done w/ school? its the most irritating thing in the world. i try not 2 let it get to me. but it's kinda hard when she bugs me about it everytime i come home to visit. which isnt often thanks to those remarks. in her eyes, it's so important to be in a relationship, bc apparently i need a rich guy to take care of me. sorry mom. i don't need anything. u depend on a guy too much, and u break up, then what happens? i put on a smile every single day. but 60-70% of the time, there's something bothering me. but it's stays in the back of my mind. & sometimes it all gets bottled up and ends up exploding at some point later on. which is why i like staying busy. because it means i don't have time to worry about what's really bothering me. i never understood people who say they're bored all the time. we have a millions of things to do in this world. even if i ever do have free time, i'm always doing something. it's called being productive. life's too short to sit around & do nothing. u can't let it pass u by. life's too short to be worrying, angry, sad all the time. i should be taking my own advice. if u take things for granted, or made mistakes and u get a second chance at it? grab it. because how often does that happen? its like when u fall. do u just sit there? or do u get back up? no one ever got anywhere by sitting still and doing nothing. make a difference.