Random

She: are u afraid of what you'll find or u actually trust him?
Me: a little bit of both I think...

I keep having dreams of him telling me he loves me for the first time...makes me not want to wake up....

Thoughts

I don’t think I’ve written an actual blog since July. As always, there’s a million thoughts running through my mind. Let’s start with work.. it hasn’t been as stressful as before. But I’m kind of at a point where I almost feel stuck. I’m not moving forward and I’m not moving backwards either. I know that’s partly my fault too because it’s not like i’m actually taking any initiative on making anything happen. Right now, all i know is i’m not financially stable and not where i want to be financially at my age. I’m 28 and i still don’t know what to do with my life. I have a few options… First thing is, i need to talk to my bosses asap about my position with the company. I really don’t know why i haven’t done so. I think i feel scared because if they dont tell me what i want to hear then that might lead me to a possibility of starting over. On one end, I’d like to learn the business that i’m in and become a partner eventually with my bosses in the future. And if they agree with that then I want to get started now on learning about the business. On the other hand, there’s also starting my own business. which is even scarier. I feel that i’m good at what i do as far as my job. But in my line of business there’s soooooo much more to learn, so much more that i don’t know to even start this type of business. So financially, i’ve been a little stressed. but i’m not exactly doing anything about it either. On another note, My family temporarily moved in with me last month. Of course my mother sold her house again, which hasn’t even been a year since she’s had it. Her and my grandma are moving into this government housing, which should’ve happened at the end of November which obviously hasn’t. I am not happy with the living situation. Most people who know me, there’s a reason why i moved out of my family’s house and live on my own. Because I LOVE living on my own. So you go from a transition from living on your own for about 3 years to living with ur family again, it’s not exactly easy. They’re driving me crazy. I’m the type of person that when i come home from work, i just want to relax, watch tv and just be on my own. It’s hard to do that when my family is bombarding me w/ questions the minute i walk through the door. Or being able to watch my favorite tv show if everyone’s shouting at each other. Let’s just say i’m not dealing with it well at all, and not sure how much longer this is gonna last.
Last but not least, my love life. =) I’m happy. Which i haven’t been in a very long time. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in so long. My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 6 month anniversary. I know that doesn’t sound long but it is to me. My longest relationship before this was 4 years. Everything in between was just 1 or 2 months. So this is something that i really hope turns into something very serious later down the line. He’s very different from most guys I’ve dated. My friends are always telling me that he keeps me on my toes. Whatever that means. lol. We don’t live in the same city. And that’s what kills me. We live about an hour and a half away from each other. I know that doesn’t sound that far. But with our schedules we only get to see each other on the weekends. It’s a good and bad thing. Bad, because i miss him. Like crazy. Good because i want us to both have our own space and our own separate lives as well. We’ve have some bumps along the road, but in the end, he’s the one that i want to be with. My feelings are growing for him everyday i’m with him. And i’ve never cared this much about anyone besides my ex. And i feel like i’m at that next stage in our relationship. If u know what i mean. lol. we haven’t exactly said it to each other. And i think i’m scared. maybe he is too, or he’s waiting for me to say it first, who really knows. But i think my fear is that he doesn’t feel the same way or won’t say it back. But i guess that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about me or won’t say it later down the line. I have so much more to say… but i’m getting tired…

Highlights 11/30-12/2 &12/7-12/9

~Mill Ave w/ the 520 crew
~The usual Teharu that weekend with the fellas
~Postinos w/ the bf and a good friend
~2nd time hiking for me!
~Putting up my xmas tree and lights w/ the bf...

~My First Tiesto concert!
~6 month anniversary w/ the bf consisting of dinner and a ride up to Mt. Lemmon

Highlights 11/9-11/11

~Getting to see the bf earlier than usual on Friday
~Friday night date night at some bomb ass Italian restaurant Vincitorio's, including a bottle of wine. =) & Talking Stick resort & casino for drinks after. Nightcap at mi casa. Details not included. =P
~Our 1st nascar race event on Saturday
~Our usual sushi at Teharu on Saturday
~date night w/ one of the best girls you'll ever meet. Including sushi and wine at Teharu, Fascinations Shopping, =P and martinis and desert at the living room

The only downside was getting one less day w/ the bf. It's hard enough being away from him. & i'm definitely not good at saying goodbyes. that's all i gotta say about that...

Gotta admit, i'm getting quite nervous about what the future holds for me. All i have to say is the more and more time i spend with him, the more and more i realize that there's no one else i'd rather have by my side and no one else i'd rather be with.Strong words but true...Our 5 month just passed. This is the longest relationship i've been in since my 4 year with my ex. My worst fear? Losing him, and feeling that heartache all over again. Worst pain ever. That's a road that i'd never want to go down again. Another fear? Expressing how i feel and him not feeling the same way I do. I'm very afraid of getting my heart broken again. But I believe that's a risk you have to take in any relationship and you have to decide if the person is worth it in the end or not. You can't live life in fear or you'll end up alone for the rest of your life....

Highlights 11/2-11-4

~The bf surprising me and showing up to see me way earlier than usual
~Riding on my bf’s bike for the first time/riding on a bike for the first time ever! Scary yet exciting!
~Going to the drag boat race on Saturday
~Going to the state fair and the bf winning me a prize
~My very first time hiking. People who know me, know i dislike anything that has to do w/ the outdoors. Only did it cuz the bf loves that type of ish. Seriously didn’t think i’d make it to the top and was sore and couldn’t walk for 3 days!
~Making the bf dinner, ruining it, and having him help me make a new batch. epic fail for me. i should not be allowed in the kitchen.

Highlights 10/26-10/28

I think every weekend for the past 6 months have been quite interesting I must say. Some of the highlights?
~Wine bar w/ the Tucson ladies on Friday
~Learning how to change the oil on my bf’s bike
~Johnny’s 21st Birthday, consisting of pre-gaming shots, $2 sushi, sake bombs,
~Carving me & the bf’s first pumpkin together
~Making pumpkin pie for the first time for both of us together
~Killin a whole bottle of wine. Dam alcoholics
~BF making me pho for the first time
~Me & the bf’s first halloween together

fresh...

i should’ve titled this blog stressed! can’t believe how much has changed in just two months. let’s start off with work. I’ve been working side by side w/ my sister for the past year. She decided to take on a new job and head into a direction into doing something that she went to school for. I’m very happy and knew this day would come. But at the same time I was extremely sad that she had to leave. Not only do I not get to see her and talk to her everyday, but she’s the best co worker i’ve ever had. It’s been extremely exhausting, overwhelming, busy, and stressful at the office since she left. We hired this lady, and it’s bad enough that she only got one day of training w/ my sister, but she’s not very computer literate. She didn’t even know how to minimize a window or what internet explorer was. She’s been working with us for two weeks already and i feel like things that she should have down already she still has to have me look over all of it. It’s exhausting re checking all of her work, doing my sister’s old duties, and doing my job. & this feeling is starting to take over my life. If i’m not at work i’m thinking about work and worrying about work so it’s starting to really stress me out. I feel that i think about my job maybe like 50-60 percent of the time. when i’m not there I mean. Not only has this been stressing me out, but i think it’s because at the same time, I almost feel like i’ve been letting my bosses down. Like I haven’t been at my full potential or something. I don’t know. it’s kind of hard to explain. To top it off, i’ve been financially struggling. My student loans are kicking in in a few weeks and i’m starting to freak out. It’s come down to the fact where i might actually have to consider getting a roommate or a second job, or both. I’m struggling, and i feel that this isn’t something that i should be feeling at my age in my life. I should be comfortably financially stable. Everyone is pushing me to ask my boss for a raise. & i wouldn’t want to ask them unless i really needed it. But i feel that it’s too soon so i’m just unsure as to how they’d feel about it since my last one was in March. But i dont really know what other option i have. anyway, on to more interesting things. me and the “man friend” made things official last month at my friend’s wedding. finally! lol. jk. i was actually kind of shocked. but it was just kind of the perfect moment at the same time since we were at the wedding and it was all romantic and shizz. since then, i feel that everything is good between us. i do struggle w/ the relationship sometimes, especially during the week, because once again i’m just not used to this type of relationship. not getting that constant attention, not seeing and talking to him all the time. it’s a good and bad thing really. bad because i struggle with it, and i miss him very much everyday. but good, because it let’s us both have our own space and to live our own separate lives. i really like this one a lot. and i really, really, really hope that this one goes somewhere. long term i mean. it’s just, at my age, i don’t have time for games anymore, starting over is never fun, and eventually in the future i want a family and kids. i’m not getting any younger. i really hope he feels the same way about me and wants the same things. i dont really know if he knows how much i’m into him or care about him. the relationship is still really fresh though. we’ve only known each other for almost 4 months but been officially together for almost 2. so i think we both just want to take things slow and take a day at a time i guess. we’ve both been scarred, so there’s always that fear of getting hurt. anyway, so last weekend, my best friend came out here. gosh i missed her. i haven’t seen her since like march i think. it’s always so hard saying bye to her and her kid. i miss having her here so much. i miss having her as a roommate. it just sucks not having her here. it just makes me so sad. but what can u do. she’s doing what makes her happy and in the end that’s all that matters. 

cute aren't we... =P

annoyed

i think fb needs an area so you can write blogs. like how myspace used to. i'm not sure if that's what that note area is for. major headline today. kim kardashian divorces her husband after 72 hours. this bs is getting on my dam nerves. i'm sick and tired of hearing it. every website that i try to go to, this is on the front page. yet no one is saying anything about the 5 yr old girl in glendale that's been missing for 3 weeks, or the 6.0 earthquake that happened in china, or the cop that got shot and killed in glendale this past weekend.. yet when it comes to the kardashian bitches, people study them like it's the bible. its ridiculous. we live in a sad society. it's hard to teach your children morals when you're out there idolizing the kardashians, or idiots like jersey shore. what makes it worst, is that they're making millions for being fucking idiots. my children would be banned from watching this garbage. on another note, i have to be out of my apartment in 30 days. i'm starting to pack slowly, and i started today. i got kinda sad, because i've had so many memories here. it's exciting moving to a new place, but sad to leave the old one behind. there's so much going on within the next few months. it's exciting but so scary at the same time. there's so much change. im moving in 30 days, and me and my sister are graduating in december. ive waited so long for this moment to come. it almost feels surreal. i'm almost afraid that something bad is going to happen that will prevent me from reaching graduation. but in reality, ive finished three of my classes in this semester with all A's. and am one class away from graduating. i currently have a B in the class with 2 assignments to go in it. it's been making me nervous because i've been doing horribly on the exams but amazing on everything else. i'm aiming for an A so i can get straight A's on my very last semester. i'm proud of myself for doing this well so far, because i've never done this well in school in my entire life. ever. i hope my family's proud of me. anyway, ive been thinking a lot about how hard it is to meet someone. i haven't really been with someone for so long. i honestly don't even know how i'd handle it anymore. ive been on my own for so long i'm so used to it. i have friends who see their boyfriends every single day and do almost everything with their boyfriend. and i dont know if i could do that. maybe i'm just not that type of girl. i definitely used to be. but now that i've been on my own for so long, i feel like i need my space. i dont think i could stand having a guy spend 24/7 with me. i would want him to have his own life, his own friends, and i would have my life, and my friends. and we would see each other every now and then. i feel that being consumed with someone so much, if it didn't work out in the end, you'll never learn to be on your own because you've always depended on the other person and lived their life the entire time you were together. i learned that the hard way. don't get me wrong, i'm a hopeless romantic. im the type of girl who would bring him soup when he's sick, or bring him lunch at work, or stock his fridge with his favorite beer, u know, all the cheesy stuff. but deep down, spending every waking moment with him when we're not married kinda freaks me out. today, it seems like people get married after being with someone for about a year. is a year the new thing now? that's the time frame? i probably have food in my pantry older than that. i don't understand what the rush is. this is why divorce is so high. no one wants to take their time getting to know each other first. maybe it's just me because i'm old school. it's the same when it comes to cohabiting. im so against that after what i've been through. i can't imagine myself ever doing that again. i would have to be engaged or something that i knew was heading towards marriage. i understand cohabiting so you can get to know the person and see what it's like living with them. but that's why u spend weekends with them, or a few days. not every single day. cohabiting leads to being comfortable with each other, and i feel that you lose that spark. u know, things that u used to do when u first started dating, like actually going on dates, or getting butterflies everytime he came to pick up for a date. maybe after studying sociology, all this stuff is actually starting to make sense. lol. im outta here.

2 months ago

i can't remember how i was feeling or what i was even doing two months ago around this time. probably the same thing i'm doing now. keeping myself pre occupied with work and school. drowning myself in both so i don't have to think about the obvious. which is how lonely have been for the past 9 months now. anyway, it's amazing how much can happen in the past 2 months. around the end of april i went to see my family back in PA. My cousin that i grew up with got married. it was amazing. it's just crazy seeing us both so grown up, her getting married. i can't believe how much time has passed by. it was pretty great seeing all my family again. made me realize how much i miss them. it's very unfortunate that we don't get to see each other often at all. the last time i saw them was maybe 6 or 7 years ago. i always wonder what my life would've been like if i never left there. I always looked up to my cousin. she was my best friend growing up. she's always been really smart and beautiful and now successful.

after i got back, the week after that my best friend came to visit. always a pleasure as usual. i'm so used to talking to her every day and seeing her everyday that i miss her all the time when she's not here. it's definitely not the same. we didn't really get to do much but as usual, i always cherish every time that i get to see her, since it's not often anymore. plus her daughter is a bundle of joy as usual. it's amazing how much she's grown already.

i think about two weeks after that it was her bday and this is so unlike her, but we planned a last minute trip to vegas. and it was pretty awesome. how can vegas not be awesome? =)

so anyway, summer school officially started. that's definitely been a drag. i'm taking this women and health class. and who knew it would be so much work. each week i basically i have about 10 chapters to read, 2 quizzes, a discussion to post, answer 2 discussions, and not to mention she makes us do projects every other week. i forgot how intense summer classes were. i think i only have about 2 and a half more weeks of the class. that's not even the only class i'm taking. i'm trying to stay positive, because i basically need 7 classes to graduate. i'm taking 4 this summer, so u do the math. i literally spend my weekends reading. isn't that entertaining. on another note, my mom sold her house. it was so quick that i don't think it actually hit any of us until the day before they had to move. and i had no idea how upset my mom was about selling it. she sold it because she couldn't handle the mortgage anymore. i never wanted her to sell it in the first place. it's been about 9 years. it was the first house she bought when we moved here. my mom isn't someone who gets emotional at all. until this. it broke my heart seeing how sad she was about it. and worst part is, i couldn't do anything about it. there's no way i could've helped her out w/ the mortgage without drowning in my own debt that i have to pay off. we've tried to stay positive because now's a chance for her to get a better house. the real estate market is insane right now. we've been looking at houses, and we've found some extremely beautiful homes, 3 bed rooms or 4 bedrooms for about 60-70k. if everything goes well hopefully in the next few weeks she'll find something. so recently i had a falling out with one of my home girls. it extremely upset me to a point where i really questioned our friendship. i'm not gonna put the whole situation out there, but let's say she used me in a really bad lie that she told her boyfriend. not only did she use me in the lie, but it was something that made me look extremely bad, and i'm not at all cool about lying to someone. especially something that i am quite against. to make matters worse, her bf texted me asking if what she told him was true. i couldn't even answer him. she's been apologizing like crazy. and i'm not sure what i want to do about yet. on one hand, i want to forgive and forget. because life is short. i might not be here tomorrow and i've been friends with her for about 9 years or so. on the other hand, she was never a friend that i could tell everything to. she's the type of person that's very self absorbed in herself, only talks about herself, doesn't listen and let's just say it's all about her. i've explained to her many times that friendship is a two way street. so i'm undecided now about what to do. anyway, work is going ok. extremely busy as usual. we've finalized the whole thing about merging with this new company. i'm not entirely happy about it. mainly because i've been with my company for about 3 years now. and now we're a new name, new owners, etc. although i'll still have the same boss. but i've been questioning a lot of things. i feel that i don't get paid enough for everything that i do. and i have to also think about my future. i can't get paid this same rate forever. especially when i graduate soon and i have my student loans to think about. but on the other hand, i've never loved a job as much as this one. i really enjoy. and i love working for my bosses. i'm just very unsure about this new company we've merged with. i don't feel secure and it scares me. my 2nd chapter is waiting for me to read... back to work..

best friend

so i was thinking about this whole concept recently about what or who a best friend really is. i'm sorry, but i think it's pretty much bull shit when guys or girls say "my boyfriend is my best friend" or "my girlfriend is my best friend". ur best friend is someone who's been there for you since the beginning, someone that u call when ur having a fight w/ ur boyfriend, someone that u call up for a girls night, someone that u go with to get ur nails done, someone that u go shopping with. these are things that u are supposed to be doing with ur best friend, NOT ur boyfriend. what happens if ur boyfriend cheated on u, or lied to u? is that really a best friend? a best friend wouldn't do that to u. i hear people say that they boyfriends are their best friends all the time. sorry but its annoying. get tha f outta here with that shit. in the end, ur friends are the ones who will always be there for u. i never would've gotten through any of my breakups without all of my close friends. i don't have a lot of friends. but i've been blessed with the few close ones that i have. thank god.