Everything is possible for him who believes. — Mark 9:23

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Old Fear

Oh man... the last few posts have been depressing.. good lord.. I'm actually shocked that I even wrote anything this year... It's amazing how much can change in 8 months. I can't even believe that the year's almost over. I don't remember what I wrote in my last post and I'm not about to re read since it was quite depressing. 

All I can really say is it took me months for my heart to heal. I've had my heart broken a lot. People say that you get used to it. But you don't. Each time is just as painful as the last. The worst part about emotional pain is you never know how long it will take to heal. I did the usual thing I do when I go through a broken heart. Drink, rebound, party, drink, and drink some more. You do whatever you can to make that pain go away. But it really doesn't. Then one day, you just feel ok. It just eventually hits you. This breakup was different from any other ones that I've had. Why? We had some good times, but I've never had a guy treat me so badly and make me lose so much trust in him. There was so much pain in the relationship and pain out of it. I think the worst part was I tried to so hard to make it work because I saw a future with him. Throughout the breakup, I really got to see who was really there for me and who wasn't. & it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. 

Let's fast track this to about March, April. So after this whole big break up thing, I joined meetup. I wanted to make more friends and socialized more. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm extremely shy in the beginning. I've been like this my whole life which is why it's always been hard for me to make friends. I made some friends through this and ended up going out A LOT. A lot of good times I might say and it definitely helped through the breakup. So months passed after the breakup, and I started dating again... After several frogs... I found this one prince... and.... all I can say is this is definitely different. There's no drama, we fight about absolutely nothing, he actually wants to see me all the time, he tells me he misses me after a day, he calls me, he actually acts his age and not like an 18 year old who wants to get trashed every weekend. it's just... amazing.. Like I can't even describe it... 

Even though everything amazing.. after my last relationship, I have all these fears.. He really fucked me up. There have been no signs of anything negative.. But I still have that fear. I know we've all been hurt. But maybe that's part of all of us... I really don't know what it's going to take for it to go away..Relationships go two ways.. Marriage, or they end. It's the honest truth isn't it? In the end, I have that fear. I don't know how much more my heart can take. At the age we're at, we come to a point where we just don't have time for games.. we know exactly what we want. & we hope that the other person wants exactly the same things we do...


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