Starting Over...

Reading my last post almost a year ago makes me really sad... I don't really know how we got here.. Maybe I do know because deep down I should've known that he wasn't the one. I just really can't believe it's come to this. Again.. Getting my heart broken.. U would think it wouldn't hurt this time around but it's just as painful. Maybe even more. We broke up exactly two months ago from Sunday. It's been the hardest two months of my life. I've done everything I can to hold onto this relationship of mine and I fought so dam hard. It was the hardest thing ever letting go. Things have been rocky between us for some time now. I think that throughout our relationship we've struggled so much with things. We're such different people and we see things in two different perspectives. I can literally write a whole essay about why we broke up and how much it's hurt me. It's like a really deep cut that is taking forever to heal. The main reason? He's the most stubborn selfish person I've ever met or dated. Our entire relationship has been about him, and what he wants. And what do I do? I stood by  him through everything. I got sooooo tired of fighting over the same things. Being the only one fighting for us, being the only one putting in all the effort. How can u be in a relationship where ur willing to do everything for that person, but they aren't willing to do the same thing for you. It all started with this stupid bitch from California who has been a constant issue in our relationship since the beginning. He might as well have cheated on me with her. When ur in a relationship, when is it ever ok to tell another girl that u wanna fuck her, that ur creeping on her pictures, to tell her to send u pictures and keep them in ur phone, and not even have  a single picture of ur gf in ur phone, to want to go see her after getting in a fight with ur gf, to lie to ur gf about not calling her because u fell asleep but u were really on the phone with her. how is any of these things RIGHT to do to ur own gf? it's NOT. And the worse part? I stood by him, through all this bullshit, and he wasn't even sorry for ANY of it. When I finally put my foot down and told him it's her or me, he had the nerve to be mad at me for it and even had to think about it? really? u have NO right to be upset after putting me through all this bullshit. A REAL bf would've said, i'm sorry babe. I will do ANYTHING to fix this. i fucked up and i will make this right. Nope. didn't get any of that. How fucked up is all of that? & what type of girl is gonna put up with all that shit and still stick by u. NO girl. And i did. I got so fucking tired of this. He's a flirt. and he couldn't see how wrong any of this was. If u want to go flirt with a different girl everyday, give out ur number to a bunch of random girls, go fucking be single. I am NOT going to put up with that bs and just be this girl who's just there whenever it's convenient for you. This was only part of the reason we broke up. Another reason. He's selfish. He got to a point where driving to see me was a drag. We live an hour and half from each other. Saw each other every weekend. Then it was 3 weekends out of the month. Then it was twice a month. How can i be with a guy who doesn't even want to see me. A guy who wants LESS time with his long distance gf? A guy who dreads coming to see me and can't even tell me he misses me. If i'm willing to give up my entire life, and move just to be with u, and u can't even make an effort to come see me? how is this ever going to last? Another issue? He's a dam party boy. I thought i was dating a 29 year old not a 21 year old. I'm going to be 30 and I don't need a kid in my life. I don't mind going out with friends here and there but every weekend? And you'd rather get trashed with ur friends then see ur gf that u haven't seen in two weeks? there's more to life then that. Not to mentioned why do u have to get shit faced drunk every dam time u go out. What a turn off. The worst part is I stuck by him through all of this. Why? Because i freaking loved him more than anything. But u can only put up with so much. And at a certain point u just get really tired of being the only one fighting for the relationship and making all of the effort. Think about someone other than urself for once. I don't regret a single minute i was with him. I cherished every moment I was with him. It still hurts me every single day of my life because I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to break up. I saw a future with him, I wanted to share my life with him. But u can't change people. I can't force him to want to see me more, or give up his partying days if he's not ready to do so. I just think he's not ready to. And i just wasn't the right girl for him to change for. He wants a girl to accept him? He'll never find one. Especially if he wants the whole relationship to be about him. There's always two sides to every story. Always. and I'm 100% sure that he tells all his friends that I wanted to change him, and that's why it didn't work out. They know that friendly, funny, sociable lovable guy to hang out with. They don't know the selfish, stubborn guy who doesn't know how to be in a relationship apparently. Social media ruins lives. Seriously. I don't remember him posting shit when we were together on fb. Now I hear shit like "everything reminds me of her" or "it's been only two months and she's moved on already" or "there isn't a day that goes by that she's not on my mind" What upsets me first of all, is the fact that we're in this situation because of HIM. Because he's too dam selfish and stubborn to actually think about someone's else's needs and wants other then his. The sad part is we both love each other so much but we can't be together. If u love someone, u do anything for them. U do whatever it takes to make it work because u love them. I did my part. And since u don't want me, no one else should have me? I didn't know there was a time limit for u to move on. I can't sit at home crying my eyes out everyday. I have to move on with my life. As much as I want him and I don't want to move on. I have to. I can't just sit around waiting for a miracle that's never going to happen. The hardest part is having to really let go and start over. I'm sad, hurt, angry and scared. I'm scared of taking a risk for the third time, putting my heart on the line again, and getting my heart broken again. I'm so scared. i trusted him. With everything. It took me 5 years to fall in love again. I can't go through this again. I really hope he looks back on this one day and really sees how much I did for him and HE'S the one who caused all of this.