Scared.....

Let me try writing this while i'm NOT under the influence. lol. Gosh i don't even know where to start. Let's start off with work i suppose. Everyone has been pushing me to do something with my career. Since apparently i'm not moving forward but i've just been stuck. I've pretty much been thinking about what i want to do for the past month now and working up the courage to talk to my bosses. My goal is to talk to them about my position with the company by the end of this month. Here are my options, becoming a partner, quitting and starting my own business, asking for a raise, not getting one and getting a new job. The problem is, i'm not exactly sure what i want. As of right now, i'm leaning towards asking for a raise. If i dont happen to get what i ask for, i'm walking. I think i've put this off for so long because i'm afraid of the outcome. Whatever it is, it's going to be a very big change in my life. I see how our company has been recently and i don't see a positive outcome from this. It scares me because I don't want to start over. I don't like change. I'm comfortable. But if i stay and don't say anything i'll never move forward. I'm not financially stable and i don't want to struggle anymore. So i have two weeks, to figure out what i want to say, or what i want to do with  my life. which path to take...
So.. me and the bf. I think my last blog was in December. Since then, things have been good between us. We've struggled here and there w/ our relationship but we've worked through it. There's so many things i want to say about us, and i don't know where to start. First off, we had an incident where I pretty much found out he was flirting with one of his "Friends" or Ex's. whatever the fuck she is. It was bad. I felt so hurt. I felt like i got stabbed. Why would u even be flirting with other girls when u have a gf. Are you thinking about ur gf when ur flirting with them? are you thinking about how your gf would feel if she found out? We got into a pretty big fight about it. i was really so hurt by the whole thing. I told him flirting is NOT ok in my book. it's something u do when ur single. If u want to flirt w/ random girls then maybe u should be single. His defense was that he didn't mean to say it, after he said it he realized he shouldn't have said it. it was a text message. it's not like when u speak to someone and it accidentally comes out. When u text someone, u actually have time to think about what ur going to type. sigh....He then tells me it all comes down to whether or not i can trust him, he's a flirty person and he can't control what he says. And now i'm feeling insecure and not trusting the relationship. It hurts me to see that he kind of turns it around on me, when HE is the reason i feel this way. i feel this way because of something that HE said. He tells me that he has commitment issues which is probably why he hasn't said he loves me yet, because he's afraid of getting hurt or hurting me. We worked our way through this but in the back of my head i think about this every now and then. I told him it's not something that i can get over in a day. I almost feel like this is a continuous issue between us. When we fight it's over the same things. About him flirting or talking continuously with his ex's. I don't like it. but i've learned to accept it. I feel like he cares more about keeping their "friendship" then my feelings. He knows how much it bothers me or that i don't like it, yet he continues to talk to them. We had a pretty long talk last sunday about our relationship, my ex's and where this is kind of going. I told him i'm not sure why he's afraid of telling me he loves me or maybe he just doesn't feel it yet, but I'm not going anywhere, i care for him deeply and he's the one that i want to be with. no one else. he makes me happy and i've known him for almost 10 months and i've never once down anything to hurt him. and he should see that. i think that he's afraid of something which is why he hasn't said it yet. we talked about our careers.  And we can both see a lot of changes in our future. We're in a long distance relationship now where we only see each other on the weekends. Depending on our jobs, it might lead to us seeing each other less and less. I'm not sure what i'm afraid of more: me struggling with the distance, or him being too busy and not wanting to do this back and forth distance anymore. I hope that we both agree that whatever happens we'll make it work. I believe that if you really care for someone, you will make time for them. no matter how busy u are. There's only ONE susan in this life. and there's only one of him. we've also talked about me moving to his city. EVERYONE always asks us when is this happening. we've only been together for 8 months. but we obviously see a future with each other. and that has to happen in the future for us to really be together. we both are starting to dread driving back and forth every weekend. but i keep telling him there's nothing we can do about that. not for a long time. i care for him deeply and would consider moving to his city, but i can't do it now. not for a very long time. not until we're very committed. i mean, engaged committed. i miss him all the time, but i'm in no rush to move that fast. i've already made that mistake before. moving way too fast and it did not end well. i'm not saying it would be the same this time around, but i really don't want to rush things. I think my biggest fear is really getting hurt again. i'm so scared. and i think that's every relationship. u have to take a risk. getting my heart broken was the worse pain i've ever felt emotionally. i seriously felt like i got stabbed in the heart and it didn't go away for so long. i dont ever want to go through that again and i really hope i never have to. i've given him my heart i just hope he knows how to handle it. i can't talk about this anymore. i already miss him enough as it is...here are some pics from the past few months... handsome isn't he..