2 months ago

i can't remember how i was feeling or what i was even doing two months ago around this time. probably the same thing i'm doing now. keeping myself pre occupied with work and school. drowning myself in both so i don't have to think about the obvious. which is how lonely have been for the past 9 months now. anyway, it's amazing how much can happen in the past 2 months. around the end of april i went to see my family back in PA. My cousin that i grew up with got married. it was amazing. it's just crazy seeing us both so grown up, her getting married. i can't believe how much time has passed by. it was pretty great seeing all my family again. made me realize how much i miss them. it's very unfortunate that we don't get to see each other often at all. the last time i saw them was maybe 6 or 7 years ago. i always wonder what my life would've been like if i never left there. I always looked up to my cousin. she was my best friend growing up. she's always been really smart and beautiful and now successful.

after i got back, the week after that my best friend came to visit. always a pleasure as usual. i'm so used to talking to her every day and seeing her everyday that i miss her all the time when she's not here. it's definitely not the same. we didn't really get to do much but as usual, i always cherish every time that i get to see her, since it's not often anymore. plus her daughter is a bundle of joy as usual. it's amazing how much she's grown already.

i think about two weeks after that it was her bday and this is so unlike her, but we planned a last minute trip to vegas. and it was pretty awesome. how can vegas not be awesome? =)

so anyway, summer school officially started. that's definitely been a drag. i'm taking this women and health class. and who knew it would be so much work. each week i basically i have about 10 chapters to read, 2 quizzes, a discussion to post, answer 2 discussions, and not to mention she makes us do projects every other week. i forgot how intense summer classes were. i think i only have about 2 and a half more weeks of the class. that's not even the only class i'm taking. i'm trying to stay positive, because i basically need 7 classes to graduate. i'm taking 4 this summer, so u do the math. i literally spend my weekends reading. isn't that entertaining. on another note, my mom sold her house. it was so quick that i don't think it actually hit any of us until the day before they had to move. and i had no idea how upset my mom was about selling it. she sold it because she couldn't handle the mortgage anymore. i never wanted her to sell it in the first place. it's been about 9 years. it was the first house she bought when we moved here. my mom isn't someone who gets emotional at all. until this. it broke my heart seeing how sad she was about it. and worst part is, i couldn't do anything about it. there's no way i could've helped her out w/ the mortgage without drowning in my own debt that i have to pay off. we've tried to stay positive because now's a chance for her to get a better house. the real estate market is insane right now. we've been looking at houses, and we've found some extremely beautiful homes, 3 bed rooms or 4 bedrooms for about 60-70k. if everything goes well hopefully in the next few weeks she'll find something. so recently i had a falling out with one of my home girls. it extremely upset me to a point where i really questioned our friendship. i'm not gonna put the whole situation out there, but let's say she used me in a really bad lie that she told her boyfriend. not only did she use me in the lie, but it was something that made me look extremely bad, and i'm not at all cool about lying to someone. especially something that i am quite against. to make matters worse, her bf texted me asking if what she told him was true. i couldn't even answer him. she's been apologizing like crazy. and i'm not sure what i want to do about yet. on one hand, i want to forgive and forget. because life is short. i might not be here tomorrow and i've been friends with her for about 9 years or so. on the other hand, she was never a friend that i could tell everything to. she's the type of person that's very self absorbed in herself, only talks about herself, doesn't listen and let's just say it's all about her. i've explained to her many times that friendship is a two way street. so i'm undecided now about what to do. anyway, work is going ok. extremely busy as usual. we've finalized the whole thing about merging with this new company. i'm not entirely happy about it. mainly because i've been with my company for about 3 years now. and now we're a new name, new owners, etc. although i'll still have the same boss. but i've been questioning a lot of things. i feel that i don't get paid enough for everything that i do. and i have to also think about my future. i can't get paid this same rate forever. especially when i graduate soon and i have my student loans to think about. but on the other hand, i've never loved a job as much as this one. i really enjoy. and i love working for my bosses. i'm just very unsure about this new company we've merged with. i don't feel secure and it scares me. my 2nd chapter is waiting for me to read... back to work..

best friend

so i was thinking about this whole concept recently about what or who a best friend really is. i'm sorry, but i think it's pretty much bull shit when guys or girls say "my boyfriend is my best friend" or "my girlfriend is my best friend". ur best friend is someone who's been there for you since the beginning, someone that u call when ur having a fight w/ ur boyfriend, someone that u call up for a girls night, someone that u go with to get ur nails done, someone that u go shopping with. these are things that u are supposed to be doing with ur best friend, NOT ur boyfriend. what happens if ur boyfriend cheated on u, or lied to u? is that really a best friend? a best friend wouldn't do that to u. i hear people say that they boyfriends are their best friends all the time. sorry but its annoying. get tha f outta here with that shit. in the end, ur friends are the ones who will always be there for u. i never would've gotten through any of my breakups without all of my close friends. i don't have a lot of friends. but i've been blessed with the few close ones that i have. thank god.

facebook

the dam thing drives me crazy. i swear, people revolve their whole entire lives around the dam thing. remember that thing called a life u used to have before facebook originated? yea go do something with that before time just passes right by you. and people wonder why kids turn out the way they do. because parents let them have a facebok at age 10, a cell phone at age 7, etc. back in my day, i didn't even get a cell phone until my senior year, i spent my days as a kid outside playing with my friends, going to their house and hanging out, walking to the corner store just to buy candy. seriously, people really get outta control with the dam thing. i dont need to know when you just checked into your house, or your mom's house, or your bathroom, or your work. are u kidding me? not to mention it's not even safe to have that shit on there. u really want strangers knowing where u live? where your parents live? where u work at? think people. i wont even post what city i live in or what my phone number is. then i have people posting about how bored they are all the time. seriously? i wish i could be bored. that's why they invented friends, malls, movies, museums, restaurants, hiking, hello... should i continue? whoever invented the hide posts button on fb was a genius. then i have the people who will text me and be like oh i'm so pissed off, ill reply back & say what happened. they'll say, did u see my facebook? nooooo.. and ur already texting me. i have to go to ur fb to see what happened? u can't just call and tell me? it annoys me even more when people accuse me of being a facebook whore. the whole thing started because my twitter account is linked to my fb account. everytime i post a tweet it gets posted on my fb too. so when i first started my twitter, i loved it. i used to tweet all the time. so people were always like, ur always on facebook. i'm tired of explaining myself. it annoys the hell out of me, it makes me not even wanna have a dam facebook anymore. i tell people i wanna delete my fb and they're like no! how will i get in touch with u. um, i do have something called a phone, and email, and skype this is 2011 people. find a way. if u dont see me on fb or don't see my account anymore. you'll know why.

overwhelmed

my head feels like it's about to explode. i've been so overwhelmed with everything that's been going on. i dont even know where to start. my homework is just sitting here waiting for me get started on it. but i'm procrastinating as usual. so first off, school. i changed my major once again. i've been majoring in business since the beginning of time. it's what i always wanted to do. but now, i'm so fed up with school, that i don't really care what i do anymore as long as i finish. that's the worst advice ever. so i changed it to sociology. the good news is, since i changed it i only need 18 units to graduate. which means i'll be done by the end of this year. i'm guessing i won't even use my degree once i'm done w/ school. the sad thing is, if i could do it all over i would. i fucked up big time, and spent thousands of dollars on something that i'll probably never use. all to just make my mom happy because she just wants to see her daughter graduate. and what's killing me is this math class that i'm in. it scares the shit out of me because my life is pretty much depending on this 1 math class that i'm barely passing on. i'm struggling so much with it and there's no way i can drop it. if i drop it and retake it during the fall then i'll end up having to take probably 6 classes in the fall. major overload if u add 40+ hours of work to that each week. to top it off, i have the worst teacher in the world. our tests are 60% of our grade, which is what's killing me. math is so time consuming. and harder when you're also taking 4 other classes. anyways, i'm praying that i pass. anyway, getting this close to graduation makes me thing about work. i love my job. i've been there for 3 years and i'm good at what i do. the downside of it is that i think i get majorly underpaid. the thing is, we go to school, get a degree, so that we can have a career and get a good job. i need a good steady job where i don't have to worry about my finances all the time. where i have sick leave, or vacation time, where i get paid salary. but then again, how many of us can say that we have a job that we really love. and that's the thing for me. i can go out there and find a better paying job w/ benefits. but will i enjoy my work? or will i just dread going to work everyday? work has been so stressful lately. they put a lot of pressure on me. i basically do everything around the office. i've been there the longest. and i love it. but when i think into the future, i wonder, where is this really going? its like, to be continued. on another note, this guy that i was really into back then, that i'm sure i talked about was here for a while. i was seriously afraid that we would jump back into what we had. but the storm has passed. and i'm glad. i guess we both have changed. i was watching sex and the city and this quote got stuck in my head. " in matters of the heart, is it better to follow your head or your heart" something like that. it's always smarter to follow your head. because it always tells you the right thing to do even if u dont wanna hear it. but then u always follow ur heart. because the heart wants what it wants. no matter how painful it might be. so this lonliness or emptiness, that i like to call it, hasn't gotten any better. the more i think about it, the more it eats away at me. its been almost 8 months since i've had any type of feelings for anyone. or felt any type of connection to anyone. also, i've been thinking a lot about how the only person that we really have to depend on is ourselves. in the end we're all on our own. and now i'm just rambling.this isn't even half the stuff i wanted to write about. but i'm running out of time. til next time..

the mask

i don't really have a lot of time to write since i need to start getting ready for my sister's big bday bash tonight soon. i've been wanting to write for a while now but my computer's been down due to an awesome virus. too much porn i guess. justtttt kidddingggg! haha. so i named this entry "the mask" because that's how i've been feeling recently. like i put on a mask everyday. mainly because when i wake up every morning all i feel is emptiness. maybe it's because i've been living by myself, but at the same time it's been a while since i've really been w/ someone. and i guess i really miss that connection. i hang out w/ friends and all i ever hear about is about their relationships. their boyfriends. it sucks being the only one having to go to functions alone. the whole situation is a good and bad thing. good because not having a boyfriend means i get to concentrate in school. last semester, there were no boys equals no drama, and i did so well in school. honestly, i dont remember ever doing that well in college. the bad part, feeling the empty feeling everyday. so i put on the mask everyday. i smile and listen to people's problems, i dont tell anyone how i feel. what's the point? so they can feel sorry for me? i've been having these dreams lately about my ex of 4 years. i feel like it's just killing me slowly. it really makes me angry because i've been having them so constantly that i haven't been able to sleep well and it makes me angry because i dont think the guy even deserves that much from me. i get mad at myself for even thinking about him. there are times when he doesn't come to mind for so long. then there are times where i think about him every now and then and i don't know why. maybe a part of me misses him. and i think maybe i always will since he was my first love. what bothers me the most is all the dreams i keep having that all end the same way. we're together, but it's not a happy relationship. it's like we're together but we're not happy, we're just settling. he's not the same person and he doesn't make me happy in the dream, and i just can't let go of him because he's the one. it all ends the same way. us being together. me being unhappy. in reality, the more and more i think about the past and that relationship, and as time goes by, the more surreal it feels. i wonder sometimes, did that really happen? i was so young. i hope that i never see him again. i don't know how i would handle it. which is why i'm very glad we live in different states.

other then my mask ,and this empty feeling eating away at me everyday... my life is not very interesting anymore. it never is when guys aren't involved. anyway, school starts next week and i'm already not looking forward to it. it's already not looking good. well first i found out that i got placed on financial aid probation. even though i did really well last semester, i think they put me on it because i dropped a few classes last semester. so basically i have to pass all my classes this semester, and not drop anything or i won't get any financial aid. talk about a lot of pressure. i don't think i've ever gone a semester w/o dropping a class. i guess this should be my motivation too to not give up. on top of that, i get an email that says i got dropped from one of my classes. great. which means i might not graduate this year and it might put me behind another semester. crap like this that makes me not want to continue this journey anymore. but i don't have a choice. and i can't disappoint my family. it's just not an option. i have a lot more to talk about but i don't really have time. time to get ready and put on that mask again.

happy 22nd birthday to my little sister today. i love u julie.



ps. mr. gorgeous, who i'm madly in love with, left me a comment on fb the other day. it wasn't anything huge at all, but it made my day like crazy. goodness. people think i'm crazy for obsessing over this guy. but he's literally amazing. =)

2010 Memories

u would think i would have written a lot more by now, especially since i'm on my winter break. there's been a lot of thoughts floating around, as usual. but i can never actually get it down on paper. so 2010 memories was a trending topic that was on twitter. it actually made me think a lot about this whole year, and i definitely couldn't tweet every single memory i had. the first thing i thought about was January. i have a million bdays to celebrate that month. the thing that stood out the most was my baby sister turning 21. i didn't want this day to come. because it would make me look at my own life and realize i'm officially old. i've seen her grown up for the past 21 yrs of her life and it's been amazing. she's always been a baby to me and probably always will be. during that month, i was also dating this one fool. i call him the "stockton boy" cuz that's where he was from. man was that a mess of a relationship. so this guy was the first guy i actually called my bf since my hard breakup in 2007. we were only together for a month. i dont know why i thought i could do another long distance relationship. especially w/ a guy that lives in the same area as my ex. ugh. in that relationship, i felt like i took it seriously and he didn't. we argued so much that it drained the hell out of me. at a certain point i couldn't handle it anymore. it shouldn't be that complicated in the beginning. long story short, at one point, the fool was blowing up my phone, asking me to take him back, and he tells me he loves me. after being w/ me for a month. reminder, all this happened between jan. -feb. of this year. fool is still texting me. can u believe that bs. he texted me on my bday and xmas. seriously man, get the hint. its over. so move on. another memory was me going to vegas. vegas baby! lol. that was definitely a blast. we actually celebrated my friend who lives in the bay area, her bachelorrette party. i can't remember the club we went to. was it surrender? oh my goodness. amazing. and the fellas there? i thought i was in heaven. goodness. it's like an upscale version of myst. azns everywhere. all the azn chicks were all dolled up and shit. gotta admit, they looked really good. what put a damper on the trip, was when me & my best friend got in a fight about something that happened on my bday 3 yrs ago. what pissed me off was that she put my business out there and she waited 3 yrs to tell me she was still upset about it. i understand she was drunk, but the truth definitely came out. we kinda just threw it aside and said let's just forgive and forget but i know it still bothers her. which i can't do anything about it if that's how she feels. i've already apologized for my mistakes. so u can either forgive me and move on or hold a grudge against me forever. ur choice. it kinda makes me think though, because since that year, 3 yrs ago, she has yet to come out w/ me for my bday. anyway, another memory was when i went to visit my homegirl in idaho for 4th of july. very good times there. i always have fun when i'm out w/ her. im really glad that me and her friendship have grown througout the years. i'm glad that she can call me when she wants to talk. and she's more open w/ me. we're total opposites when it comes to guys though. it's pretty funny. can't take that girl anywhere. she reels in the guys and gets us free drinks. another memory was when her & her brother came to visit here. that was some fun times. it's crazy cuz i knew him first for like a million years. then i met her. and that's a whole other story. so my bday this year. i'm at the point in my life already where i seriously hate talking about my age. when people ask me i really don't like telling them. no one ever believes me when i tell em how old i am. i felt horrible on my bday. it was bad enough that people bailed but then i ended up getting wasted because i was so pissed off about it. i was even more upset because i lost like half of my group that night due to my drunkness and i felt horrible about it the next day. i spent two days recovering from it. and realized im too old for this bs. next year, no going out. we're having a bbq at my place. case closed. another memory, my nephew/godson turning 1. it's crazy. cuz i remember the day he was born just a year ago. how he used to sleep in my lap or my chest. i love him so dearly. now he's trying to talk and walking around. and being a bad boy. lol. his bday party was insane. another memory i forgot about. another foolio i dated back in August. i shoulda kept his dumbass around and at least get a bday gift outta him. i bet i woulda got something good too. lol. that sounds horrible. so this fool was pretty much psycho. everything would be going great, and then the next day he would lash out at me and attack me verbally for no reason. calling me selfish, a slut, i dont care about anyone but myself. and some other bs. at one point, i couldn't deal w/ it anymore. he would seriously be yelling at me on the phone and hurt my feelings and wouldn't even give a dam. im sorry, but i'm a calm person. there's no need to be yelling at me for any reason. i remember he would "playfully" say he loved me. and say he didn't mean it. it would happen 3 times. how exactly does that happen accidentally? i seriously dated this guy for like a month and a half or so. who knows. dont really know what's up w/ these guys telling me they love me. it takes a lot for me to love a guy. it's a shame, because he was very cute and i was very into him. but i wasn't down for that drama. school is such a priority right now, that i can't deal w/ all that drama. i can't fuck it up. another huge memory this year? my best friend and her daughter moving away and me moving into my own place. it hit me really hard seeing them leave. i've been friends w/ her for probably 10 yrs now. maybe more. i lived w/ her for almost 2 yrs. it was hard saying goodbye. mainly cuz she's like a sister to me. how can i forget about the joe case and next concert! omg, best bday ever that was. i can't believe i got to see all of them up close and personal. best memory ever!. anyway, i think that's most of the memories from this year. if i could write everything it would take all night. let's see some pics from this year shall we..








so many more pics, but no time to post. 2011 here we come! =)

the worst

i dont really know why, but the other day i was thinking about the worst things a guys has ever said to me. ready?
-yes i was testing you, and you failed.
-i'm turning 21 soon so i'll be going out a lot, and there's a chance i might cheat on you, i dont wanna hurt you.
-me: i love u. him: "........." (silence)
-dont hate the player, hate the game
-you're a fat ass & gay
-you're selfish & mean, & i don't know why i got involved with you.
-after our "first time" him: u slept w/ that many guys? well that's ok, bc this didn't count.
-yea i just wanted to holla at u for sex.
-you should add me on fb because i forgot what you look like.

and people wonder why i have issues trusting guys....

time

time is so precious. it kinda scares me how quickly it flies by. honestly, during the week, sometimes i dont even know what day it is. sometimes, when friday rolls around i dont even realize it's friday. i feel like there's not enough time. especially during the week. i dont like it. sometimes i really wish i could freeze time just so i can get more work done. anyway, so an update on my so called life. i finally moved into my new place. it was a pain in the ass. i hired movers. but who knew it was so much dam work actually unpacking and decorating. u would think me being a girl i would love decorating. but i hate it. i pretty much gave up. next time, im just going to hire someone to do all this shit. thank god for friends. i had some friends give me ideas and go w/ me to pick out stuff. myself, i'm not handy at all. and i realized that when i started putting shit together. i put my coffee table together. what an accomplishment huh. i had a bookcase and also an end table to do. and i got so frustrated because i couldnt get it together. and im the type of person who likes to do everything on my own. i dont like asking my friends for help because i dont wanna be a hassle. but that's what it ended coming down to. i was disappointed in myself for not being able to do it on my own. but i guess sometimes its not that bad asking for help. and if they're ur friends then they shouldn't mind. there's some parts of my place that still need decorating but im tired of it. so whatever. living on my own is... different. during the week its not that bad because i'm usually not even home. when i am home i spend the time doing work. but on the weekends, it gets lonely. i spend it running errands. but when i am at home, its lonely. honestly, i miss my best friend and her daughter. it's definitely not the same. i really hope she's happy over there. school's been ok. my grades so far are better than last semester for sure. except i got some really bad news the other days. that just made me lose all hope on everything. my advisor calls me. they never call. so i knew it was bad. basically i put in a second petition to retake my finance class for the 3rd time. the girl was like why did u do that. we still have ur first one. didnt u check the outcome. i was like, no. she said well u should've checked on it. then she said, basically we have to see how u do this semester, then u have to do well in ur two accounting classes then MAYBE we'll approve ur petition to retake this finance class. and she was like it's not looking good for u, maybe u should consider a different major. i was so dam upset. ive always struggled in my major and if i continue to stay in it who knows how long it'll take for me to finish and i'll continue to struggle. on friday i spoke to another advisor, and i felt so much better, and i felt like the weight has finally been lifted. before i was majoring in business admin. now i changed it to BIS. which means i'll be majoring in business and sociology. the good news is i'm done w/ all my general classes, except i just need one more math & science. after next semester i'll be done w/ all my sociology classes. then i can just focus on business and hopefully i should be done by fall 2011. thats if i take a full load from now til then. it'll be really tough but i think i can do it. honestly, if i had it my way, i wouldn't even go to school. i dont like school. but i'm doing it for my mom. i dont want to be the failure in the family. and she struggles so much and she does so much for me. i want to be able to give her everything. no matter what it takes. and i've gotten this far, quitting is just not an option in my book. anyway, its crazy how much life is so much easier when there are no guys involved. its so dam lonely. but at the same time, there's no drama. and i can actually concentrate in school. maybe that's why god won't throw me a bone in that department. ive been crushing on the same guy for over a year now, and he still doesn't even know i exist. im invisible in his eyes and im just like the rest of them. i dont like telling people about it, because they just laugh at me when i tell them i like this guy that i've never even met. it makes my day when he comments on my posts sometimes. im the type of girl that appreciates the little things. they tell me, how r u supposed to meet someone if u dont date. then they tell me, dont look for a guy, let him come to u. so which is it people? shit. i dont wanna date. i wanna skip all that drama and just jump into the relationship. its such a long process that leads up to that. anyway, i miss my idaho girl. she moved to portland and i've always wanted to go there. but it's hard since her brother lives there. awkward. she reminds me of me. minus the emo side and she's more wild than i am. but she's my partner in crime and we're definitely trouble together. work has been crazy lately. there's so many changes going on and it kinda scares me. its exciting but at the same type scares me. i dont like being out of the loop and not knowing whats going on. everything has been so secretive. my co worker, which i call my friend now, will ask me, so what kind of guy am i looking for. and it's hard to explain but at the same time it's pretty straight forward. on one hand, i want someone who shares the same interests as me but on the other hand i want someone who's the exact opposite to show me things that i never knew existed. to keep it exciting. someone with a good personality. someone who will go to church with me, someone who understands that its not all about them, but it's about both of us. communication is important. someone who understands that i live a busy life. but will always make time for him. sounds like too much to ask apparently. well whoever he is, he doesn't live in az. they're all the same here. eventually i want to move back to cali. once im done w/ school, im out. it's going to be tough to leave my family. but how else will i be happy. everyone has their own life. in the end, im on my own. in the words from a bronx tale-nobody cares..

fear

so lately. i'm not sure why but i've been feeling scared a lot. i think all the stress is really starting to get to me. im mostly scared of school. im doing well in a majority of my classes. i think im actually getting straight B's. for once. except for my stupid legal ethics class. which im pretty much failing. its a tough decision. because i can retake it, but it'll put me behind for the millionth time. but if i stay in it and fail, there goes my gpa along with retaking the class. i failed a class once and had to do a petition for it and they still haven't approved it. which put me a semester behind. im really worried. because after this semester i still need over 30 units left before i can graduate. im so frustrated and upset that it's taking me so dam long. i want to give up. a part of me really doesn't want to do it anymore.i hate school. but i don't really have the option of quitting.i would disappoint so many people. especially my mom. ive gotten so far so why give up now. and i keep having to tell myself that no matter how much i dont want to do this anymore. she's the reason i'm living and she's done so much for me already it's time for me to do the same for her. i can't stand to see her struggle anymore. or my sister. and i'm going to do whatever it takes to help them. i dont want my kids one day, if i ever have any to go through what i had to go through. i would want them to have everything. at the end of the day i always think, what would mr. gorgeous do. yes, how lame does that sound. but this guy that ive had a crush on for the past year now, that has no idea that i even exist is such an inspiration and he doesnt even know it. he's probably the most hard working person i know. he's so dedicated to being successful one day that he works so hard and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that possible. that's a plus in my book. its amazing how shy i can be, even over the internet. he'll post something that i like on his page, and i'll even be too shy to reply back. u no idea how many times i've written something then deleted it cuz i was too shy to post it. he's gorgeous. i dont even have a shot against these cali girls. anyway, im so busy with work and school during the week, that a majority of the time i dont even know what day it is. the weekends i spend it running errands. i wish that i could just concentrate in school. ive been feeling really tired lately. everyday actually. im not sure if its because ive been stressed and working myself like crazy so im just wearing myself out maybe? who knows. its also a good thing though, because it keeps me busy, which means i have less time to worry. nobody knows this, but every night before i go to bed i pray to god. for my family and friends. i really care more about them then myself. they're the reason im living. i pray and thank god for protecting them. i thank god for blessing me and my family and friends. and every night i ask for forgiveness. why? because im not perfect. im sure i make mistakes everyday. i just want forgiveness for my sins. i wish i was closer to my mom or grandma. but im not. and we just dont have that type of relationship. i wish that we could build that type of relationship. but we can't. she doesn't listen. and i can't change her. so it's gotten a little bit easier w/o my roommate and her daughter. probably because i'm never home anyways and im always busy. but when i am home, i miss them. i talked to sadie today and it made me wanna cry. i told her i missed her and loved her. u get used 2 seeing someone everyday. and its hard when they leave. so the other day i was on my ex's myspace. please dont ask me why i was. i dont know why. im a fool. and his relationship status says single. weird. because its always said in a relationship. hes been with tha same girl for the past 2 yrs now i think. it made me think. but hes still got all their pics up. yet on his twitter i seen pics of him w/ a different girl. who knows. it hurts to look, but i do it anyway. dont really know why. 3 yrs later, and sometimes it still hurts to think about how we ended things, or what we had. so i try not to. which is why i keep myself busy. so i dont have think about bs crap like that. deep down, i really hope he's happy. its hard for me to really hate anyone. even if they've done me wrong. its just, i want to be happy too. i really cant remember the last time i was. all that love, happiness stuff doesnt really exist to me anymore. life kinda seems incomplete w/o it at times. i can have my ways with guys if i wanted to. i can have fun if i wanted to, but how fulfilling would that be? i would just be filling a void temporarily. deep down i'd still feel alone. i dont remember the last time i felt this alone. i know i have my friends and family. i can see them anytime if i wanted. just to have that company. because i know they'll always be there for me til the end. but if u really think about it, deep down, we're all alone. u see couples who have been together for a lifetime, 20, 30, 4o yrs and still get divorced. what does that tell u. and u become dependent on that person, u break up, and ur left w/ nothing. ive been down that road. which has taught me to become more independent. which is why i disagree a lot about the whole cohabiting thing w/ a guy. ive already done it. i cant do it again. i need my own space. i wouldn't get anything done. i want him to have his own life. and my own life. doesn't mean that we can't make time for us. but u need ur own lives, ur own friends, so if something happens ur not left w/ nothing. u gotta look out for urself in the end. but what do i know, ive only been in one serious relationship my whole life, and dated a million losers. i wouldn't be surprised if i ended up alone and adopting a kid. we'll see where life takes me.whatever it is, i'm ready for it.

sad

i need to get up @ 5:45 am tomorrow so i'm gonna make this a short one. i've been sitting here looking at my book for the last hour and haven't gotten anything done. i'm horrible at studying. i dont know how people go 2 the library for hours and just sit there and read a boring book about chemistry or something. its hard for me to focus especially on something that i don't enjoy. but shit needs 2 get done. so tonight is my first night w/o my roommate and her daughter. and its hard. good news?i went the whole day without crying. lol. yesterday was so hard for me. i really wanna cry just thinking about it. no matter how much i drown myself in my work and school, deep down if something's bothering me, at the end of the day it hits me when i have any free time to actually think about it. so my bff's family had her going away party for her yesterday. u guys know me. i'm not very sociable. lol. never have been. im pretty quiet, and shy, the loner girl. plus all i could think about was them leaving today. at the end of the night, vp tells me that sadie's not coming home w/ me and she's staying w/ her sister that night so vp can clean the apt and her room. so basically i had 2 say bye 2 sadie in front of her entire family and everyone saw me cry my dam eyes out. how embarrassing. i told her how much i love her and that i'm gonna miss her. its sad, because she's so young and she has no idea she's not gonna see any of us for a while. she's like, susan, why are u crying. i told her, because i'm not going to see u anymore. she said, why? i said, because ur moving to new mexico. i couldn't stop crying. cried on the way home. cried before going to bed, crying now. ugh. it hit me hard because they're basically family. its one thing to be best friends for 10 yrs, then to live together for the past year and half. u grow even closer. saying bye to my best friend this morning was hard. there was a million things i had to say to her. and when it came down to it, all i said was, im gonna miss u guys. and don't become a stranger. and i told her i'll most likely become an alcoholic. surprisingly i didn't cry. i remember when i was at her party last night, every1 made me feel so much worse. every other person was asking me, "so whats going to happen to u now" what are u gonna do? i feel like we were the kids in superbad. whats going to happen to u guys? is this the end? what the hell people. i really dont think me and veronica were gonna live together for the rest of our lives.lol. i very much dislike goodbyes. i really wanted 2 stay late at work today cuz i really didn't wanna come home to an empty apt. there's nothing in my living room besides my tv and dining room table. i walked into her room and it was so empty. sad. its too quiet in here. i miss sadie so much.i really wonder what my friend is thinking. i wonder if she's sad? you'd think i'd know how shes feeling after knowing her for 10 yrs. but she's unpredictable. i need 2 get a puppy..